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request for couples counselling -
July 11, 2007
1:21 pm
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okjewel
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I'm new to this site and hope I can gain some input/feedback on a situation I'm in.

I have asked my fiance to attend couples counselling and he at first refused. I decided I wouldn't live with him unless we were in it. I have moved to a different city since then. He decided he couldn't live without me so he went to two sessions.

Since then, we have had a trust issue come up where after I asked him how he was spending the following week, he replied not much. He did not disclose he was going on a trip, which he is on now. He had his reasons for not telling me, such as... when you moved out you gave up all rights to my life. ??

A month ago, when we had our big fight about counselling and he chose not to go, then I moved out...he also lied about being on dates through the internet. ?? Why?

Anyway, today I am insisting that we attend counselling if we're to stay engaged and seeing each other.

comments? thoughts?

July 11, 2007
1:25 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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you may be forcing him to do something his heart is NOT into.

he may be doing it to "shut you up", but if his heart isn't in it, it won't do much good.

my ex cheated on me, I forced the counseling issue so that we could heal together...he was against it, didn't believe in "quacks"....he went, but you could tell he was not "embracing it".

He ended up manipulating the counselor into taking his side and making ME the crazy one.

I would guess that your fiance is only doing this to satisfy you and make you happy long enough to get back with you.

Does he consider you back together?

your time apart - it doesn't matter what he did...you were separated, so if he dated, that's really not something you could control.

however, if you are back together, and his "plan" are still none of your business...then yeah, I would have a complaint too.

you can't force someone to change...and if he really wanted to make this work, he would have embraced it, not fought it.

July 11, 2007
1:28 pm
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StronginHim77
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Wow. You've packed alot of information into that posting. And not much of it is "good," regarding your fiance.

First of all, when is the wedding?

Secondly, what are the issues which prompted you to seek couples counseling in the first place? I am a solid advocate for premarital counseling, so I am surprised that he resisted this. It doesn't speak well for his character or his openness.

As far as dating thru the internet...is this an activity which he pursued BEFORE hooking up with you? Or during his relationship with you? Big difference, so I wanted to get some clarification on that.

Sounds like he is trying to "punish" you for drawing some healthy boundaries, requiring the counseling, etc. That is frequently the sign of a controlling personality and that is NOT a healthy sign.

Share whatever else you can. These threads are anonymous and most of us have made every relationship mistake in the books, so you won't feel judged. We will listen and share whatever we can to help you sort through this.

- Ma Strong

July 11, 2007
2:08 pm
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turnabout
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Well, you don't have any right to his life, but you do have rights to your own ... like having secure relationships that build you up and encourage you in trusting yourself. Are you giving yourself that in this relationship? Or are you violating this right?

No one has a right to get everything they want ... like getting him into counseling, or him getting you to live with him ... but all have the right to get their needs met ... like building those kind of secure relationships mentioned earlier. You have the right to take care of yourself. Sounds like moving out was just one step in your progression towards getting that kind of relationship, one that is secure and where your needs for trust and respect are met. What if it isn't a matter of counseling or anything else "fixing" him so that he can meet those needs? What if they just can't be met in him?

If he doesn't want to do what is necessary to meet your needs (and he didn't go to counseling for YOU, did he? but for himself, in order to hold onto you), then you don't really even have a starting point, do you?

July 12, 2007
12:35 pm
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mean girl
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There's one thing I've learned and that is, that you can't change someone that doesn't want to change. He is obviously not wanting to change for himself, but just trying to impress you. I'm going through a similar situatuion. We have been off and on and have fought about counseling for about 2 years. I finally got tired of him telling me no and got sick of the fighting so we split. That's when i realized that there is no helping someone else unless they are ready for change. Even if he told you that he hated himself and he went to counseling, there might be times when you'll think,"is this just an act?" But it also depends on how your trust issues are and if you have trust issues with alot of people or if you have had them when beeing in other relationships. This might be pattern and could turn any possibly good relationship bad. I know I have trust issues with mine. This stuff goes through my head everyday and we fight because I still question what he does. All the lies from the past have damage our relationship. I don't really know who my true boyfriend is. We've been together for almost 5 years and engaged for 2 until I broke uo with him in april 07'. Now we are trying to mend things back together but nothing is working because it's been all one big lie. The only really great thing that came out of it was our 2 year old daughter. Now we have to worry about not messing her life up.

July 12, 2007
12:45 pm
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mean girl
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