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Reported a serial sex addict in the community
March 14, 2010
4:01 pm
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fantas
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I'm very proud of myself and yet very sad at the same time. I had to turn in a dear friend to the "heads" in our faith community because he would target these vulnerable women to talk to them about our faith and then seduce them, sleep with them and leave them all heart broken and afraid to report him. Yesterday, I heard one of those stories again and I thought it was time to report him and I did.

This type of behavior in not tolerated at all and he could loose his rights to being a member unless he enters rehab and diligently works on himself with full transparency. Assuming he wants to remain a member. I started to think that his love for our faith, maybe the ultimate con game on us all. He plays the part so well that we have all bought into it. I guess we shall see. He is definitely a charmer/abuser, narcissist and all other things you can throw in there. I know I did what I had to do but I still feel anxious and just wanted to share here. I always feel better so thank you for reading!!

March 14, 2010
4:09 pm
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through_the_fire
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Fantas,

Good for you for speaking out!

It's funny how we can feel anxious when doing what is right. I think that's because so many of us are taught to not trust ourselves. If we speak up, we're made to feel guilty for hurting someone... who just needs more understanding. You helped put an end to exploitation--- good for you!

Fire

March 14, 2010
5:39 pm
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fantas
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Fire, thank you so much for saying that. I love my faith and can't be guilty of allowing hurt to go on. I understand he is hurting as well but this is the only he can get help, if he needs it. The innocent need to be protected.. Thanks again!!

March 14, 2010
8:25 pm
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Anonymous
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Fantas:

Surely you have saved many from many forms of pain and suffering.

Nothing is more despicable to me than someone using the power of their position to abuse those who trust him/her.

You are a courageous and exceptional person to report someone for misdeeds you consider a friend. Well done! 🙂

((((Fantas))))

March 14, 2010
10:45 pm
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fantas
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(((Moon & Stars))), I really appreciate your words. It's difficult to know what to do. I'm hoping he will be able to see the error of his ways and and be willing to do whatever it takes to get well. He is an awesome person with many gifts but not using them very well.

March 15, 2010
3:47 pm
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fantas
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Wouldn't change a thing, but I'm on an all out panic attack now...Just thinking about what will he say if he finds out I turned him in... Damn, does this people pleasing crap ever end?

March 15, 2010
4:03 pm
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sdesigns
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fantas: When I first read this I thought to myself- why would she be the one to Out this guy? did he do anything to you? Why wouldn't some of the other women turn him in? I still don't see why this was your business and why you turned him in?

It sort of reminds me of what is called 13th stepping in AA- when AA'ers pick up on newcomers to try and have sex with them while they are in a vulnerable state, pretending to be helpful concerned etc.

Just curious as to why you involved yourself to this extent when it apparently didn't involve you directly. and I sure hope you are positive he did what you are accusing him of.

sd

March 15, 2010
6:05 pm
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fantas
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Well, Good question and I have thought about this for a few years, actually.I have known his behavior for quite a while and just turned the other cheek. The other women may very well have reported on him but I have no idea because such information isn't given to the community. I saw what was happening, I knew he was taking advantage of being a member of our group and pretending to tell them about it, but left them right after he slept with them and moved on to the next.

People and especially women who come to this group for support tend to be in a very vulnerable state and he took advantage of that. I just couldn't keep a blind eye anymore. He was also very friendly to younger girls who seemed to get very easily taken and attached to him. My radar was very red. I do not know how many people knew this and turned a blind eye but I just couldn't.

I equate it to knowing your friend's, sister's, mother's husband, is having an affair and just looking the other way because it's none of your business. I never want my community to be blind sighted by a rape accusation, which it could very easily turn to given how he treats these women and their level of vulnerability and know that I could have said something.

As it is, I'm not privy to any other actions that are taken from here and I hope that if I ever put anyone at risk, someone will out me.

I really agonized with this before I told and I'm still agonizing with it.

What would you do?

March 15, 2010
8:23 pm
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sdesigns
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Well, first of all, I don't know what a serial sex addict even is. I sex addict is probably serial anyhow, wouldn't you say, if its an addiction? And if its an addiction they are more than likely going to exhibit behavior that feeds that addiction.

And, I am not really understanding who this group is that you reported him to but wouldn't they be people who would be able to see his behavior themselves, and do something about it if that was within their power?

If they investigate this, how would you confirm your allegations since you didn't experience this? Would others step forward and tell what they experienced? Are you their spokes person?

IF IF IF this isn't completely true, you run the risk of repercussions since its sounds like you've made some serious accusations about someone that could damage their reputation, career, etc if they aren't true or proven. See what I mean? And now you've taken that burden upon yourself, and you may suffer consequences.

In my opinion, its really up to the women who suffered his behavior to make the charges/ allegations. You may come off as a busy body, etc by sticking your nose in it. Not saying that would happen, just saying you may have bitten off more than you could chew, when its not really your issue.

Again, relating thart to what to what I've heard about AA and men who "13th Step", they aren't supposed to do that and may be asked to leave that particular group meeting. But I don't think that happens too often (getting asked to leave). I think people mostly look the other way. Not saying thats right, just saying thats what happens.

sd

March 15, 2010
9:59 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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Someone on these threads told me something a few months ago that stuck with me. I'm sure I'll botch it, but essentially, s/he asked me, "Wow, isn't it exhausting to be responsible to police the world?" At first it kind of made me mad, but s/he was right, because it was exhausting, and helps give me something to hang onto when I start wanting to correct the behaviors of others who I am not accountable for.

I wouldn't dwell on it though. You did what you thought was right and helpful at the time. Maybe it will help someone.

March 15, 2010
10:32 pm
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fantas
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I cannot mention the name of the organization, as the would go against out anonymity regulations, but it suffices to say that it's on a volunteer bases aspires to meet the needs people who are sort of out on their luck. As a person who was continuously abused and molested while other people watched and said nothing because it wasn't their business, I'm super vigilant on the issue of sex and perpetual predators.
You could even say super sensitive and I'd rather be this way than not. This is one police hat I'm not taking off.

Validating this is very easy, as I have had this conversation with the individual, he doesn't deny it, and accepts that this is a big problem with. He admits it, he just wont ask to get help and is using vulnerable people. As with promises to change, and I like the codie I am, believed and kept the secret and I feel it's time others who can actually do something about it knew.

I can't do anything about his addiction but he doesn't have to practice it within the premises. Since being there is voluntary, he can choose to come or not come to participate. In fact if he wants, he come in as one of those who seek assistance, all these are options.

At the end of the day, I have to live with my conscience...

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