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Repeated Codependency and Me
October 30, 2006
1:46 am
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ShawnO
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I have had a repeated codependent nature throughout my life and need help. I have been through a year and a half of therapy, but have not been in nearly two years. I have recently had my fiance tell me she needed lots and lots of space and after an argument of accusations from me she told me she did not want to talk to or see me for two weeks or more. She has never truly dated anyone. I did not allow her the opportunity after a marriage that went sour to do so. I did not date her. I have been friends with her for three years and have a deep-rooted love for her in my heart. When we met I was very independent. However, in a relationship, I focus all my energy towards my partner's needs regardless of whether or not they can fulfill them on their own. I am having a difficult time with not speaking to her. I have been married before and this was partially the same reason for that break-up. I don't want to lose another love in my life. Can anyone help?

October 30, 2006
6:35 am
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CAMER
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give your fiance her space...i know it may be hard, but try it..while giving her her own space, you can work on yourself, and your needs and wants....Remember a relationship is only part of your world, not your complete world, you need hobbies, time with friends, etc....balance is key!

October 30, 2006
9:37 am
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atalose
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Shawn,
When anything is suffocated, it dies. Often out of our own fear of losing something, we tend to hold on to it for dear life. When one partner needs space, the other always klings out of fear of losing that person.
You need to give her space, respect what she is asking of you, prove you can do that for yourself and to her.
The more you kling the further she will pull away and the more she will resent you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 30, 2006
2:58 pm
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how about working on your independency within the context of "dependency" (when being or relating to your fiance) ... ask a therapist to work with you on this (support & guidance). Get a clear view on all those small and big things (factors) that "trigger" (repeat) a state of (co-) dependency within you and look for ways to "bounce back" (moving towards being or acting independent again). Maybe you need (develop) a skill in playing a mental game of tennis ... sooo ... all you really have to do ... is ... watch the ball (your "balance"?).

October 31, 2006
2:14 am
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ShawnO
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Thanks to all. I am glad that there are people who care enough about this subject to take time out of their days to assist someone in need. I have always struggled with this and am beginning individual counseling on Friday. It is very hard not to be able to see her and talk to her and see joy in her eyes. I have been thinking a lot today about the things she was attracted to when she met me. They were all me and my independence. I thought that I had worked beyond my codependency issues but have realized that it is not something that just goes away. I am glad I am not alone. I just want to feel like somebody inside myself. Therapy will help. You guys will help. Thank you all for being who you are.

October 31, 2006
4:30 pm
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taj64
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When in a relationship even after you feel independent that insecure patterns learned through childhood and also other relationships is what feels normal to you so it gets repeated. Awareness is the key knowing this. Working on yourself and loving yourself, accepting yourself and strengthening yourself will lead you to a healthier relationships. It really is hard work but not something to give up on if you truly want this to work. Also it might be that you are attracted to someone or type of person who avoids intimacy or needs their space because this is what you are used to and because they are not emotionally available to you. The more the person avoids you, the more needy you get. You should not take all the blame though. It takes two in a relationship. Keep at the work! It will pay off.

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