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Releasing the past
January 23, 2003
6:27 am
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Anonymous
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Good morning. I need some support or advice right now. I'm in recovery but am having a hard time letting go of the past. I went to Houston recently by myself to a conference and as I drove around it reminded me of a codependent ended relationship I had with an Arab man for 10 years. Of course it's over, he married an Arab, something he advised me of for 10 years. Hence, all the pain has come up surrounding it, on top of a one year relationship I had with someone else that almost killed me. Early recovery is painful however, my group keeps telling me , it's not about these men, it's about your father abandoning you years and years ago.

DOes anyone have any feedback plz?
Thanks kindly!

Karina

January 23, 2003
11:24 am
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Hi Karina2,
I still struggle with releasing the past.....
Do you feel that your father abandoned you?
Recently I discovered that I am happier letting go of my father then constantly reliving the injustices I felt towards him for his past behavior. I accepted that my father is a human being. As a human being, he is not perfect. So why should I expect him to be only what he chooses to be and do.
I have also had a series of relationships. History will repeat itself if one does not change ones outlook. For me, I struggle with wanting someone to take care of me and then resenting a control freak.
I am discovering that I need to take care of me. If I work on my behavior, I believe that I will eventually quit attracting people that are unhealthy to me. It is a work in progress....one day at a time... with some back sliding and more forward steps.
If you want to talk about your previous relationships, do so. Sometimes just getting it out helps us to see what we are doing to sabbatoge our own lives.

January 23, 2003
2:03 pm
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My father and mother divorced when I was 9 years old. My father lived 20 minutes away and I hardly ever saw him. And he certainly didn't come across as affectionate or caring.

I'm in my 40s now, and it did affect my relationships with men. Especially because I always wanted my dad to have a relationship with me. So whenever I would form a real relationship I would do anything to keep them from abandoning me. Even if it was not what I wanted to do and wasn't good for me.

First you need to figure out who you are - without a man and deep within yourself who you are. Then you must realize you have certain rights and deserve to be treated well. After that you can learn to set boundaries so that no one tramples on your rights and disregards your well being and feelings.

It sounds like 3 simple sentences, but I still work on these issues to this day. My dad died almost 3 years ago and if I had to sum up my feelings, it would be that the opportunity was lost to have a relationship with my father. He just couldn't handle children and since he ignored that he couldn't relate to us as adults. I did try to reach out, but he wasn't able to connect. He was a frail human being with a limited capacity for love.

Don't compromise yourself just to have a man in your life. It does not leave you feeling fulfilled or happy. Keep up with the therapy, it will help.

Jenny

January 23, 2003
2:51 pm
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Karina2~

Ahhhhh, if it were only that easy. Releasing the past will never be easy. It does take work, but it's well worth it. I realeased my past some time after my father passed away. My parents never devorced, but my father was an alcoholic, a loner, anti-social, depressed (although never diagnosed). He wasn't around for us at all. My mother did everything. I didn't realize what an affect he had in who I had become until after he was gone and I started dealing with the grief, the anger, the sadness and then releasing it all. After learning to do that with his death, forgiving him, knowing that he had a decease, I know he loved me the way he knew how, I was able to release many other things....I found myself, decided I was worthy of true happiness and started living for today, for my future.

You cannot dwell on what "might have been" or what mistakes you made, learn from them, grow from them and begin living a truly enriching life.

Be well.

January 23, 2003
3:03 pm
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Would be nice if I could spell today. ha ha ha.

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