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Relationships: What happens when one party is more needy or vulnerable?
April 20, 2005
6:34 pm
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on my way
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An interesting thought has come to mind in another thread posting:

If one party is needy, vulnerable when entering a relationship, what problems can both eventually encounter? To me it seems like a no win situation. The needy one and vulnerable one remains needy, vulnerable, and increasingly unhappy as she/he demands more time of the un-needy partner, who is virtually in control of the relationship. No one's needs are met eventually. The one in control becomes bored, tired of the drain, the needy one ends up feeling rejected...and it is a recipe for a failed relationship. It is a temporary fix, that has no lasting value.

Any thoughts?

April 20, 2005
6:46 pm
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sdesigns
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My last relationship- I was NOT the needy one, he was. But as time went on, I got sucked in to his neediness and I remember thinking that I was becoming needy for him. I completely changed so that I could be with him, doing what he wanted, how he wanted, when he wanted. And then he dumped me. Very strange dynamics. And a very sick relationship. SD

April 20, 2005
6:58 pm
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Is it possible do you think that the one in control zeros in on this particular person?

If yes, how, does anyone know why?

April 20, 2005
6:58 pm
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Is it possible do you think that the one in control zeros in on this particular person?

If yes, how, does anyone know why?

April 20, 2005
7:07 pm
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Anonymous
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This is a great thread! Just from my own experiences? The one in control does tend to look for someone who will allow this to happen, for whatever reason that person allows it, be it love, infatuation, their own need to be "needed", tendency to be nuturing, etc. But you are correct, it usually is a no win situation.

Sunny

April 20, 2005
7:23 pm
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Ok, another thought, movin right along here, ....
The person who is not needy or in control, choosing a needy, vulnerable person to date...WHY do they choose this type person..afraid of commitment maybe, in it for the thrill, or something?

April 20, 2005
7:29 pm
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Anonymous
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False hope? Low self esteem? Good question!!

April 20, 2005
7:33 pm
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Let's take a scenario,
Man is in control not needy, woman is needy and vulnerable.

Sorry for all of the questions, but this has opened up a few new thougths and answers for me, and some of it is beginning to come together!

April 20, 2005
7:43 pm
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OMW,

I'm reaching way back into the deep recesses of my mind, lol...I'm thinking maybe learned behavoirs could be a part of it? But if man is in control, whats wrong with that picture? If control is the issue, that is not acceptable in a working relationship, it simply will not work unless needy/vulnerable wants or chooses to be a doormat, thus her life is out of control. Make sense? It will be interesting to see what others here think about this.

Sunny

April 20, 2005
9:02 pm
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godscreation
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Question-
Why would a woman allow a married man who is separated, move in with her and her kids after knowing him 2months? She has a beautiful home, a great paying job and a brand new car. She then allows him to quit his job to work on his 12-step drug and alcohol program. She totally supports him financially and buys him new clothes,cell phone ect. This person is the woman my husband is living with. I am trying to figure out the attraction. Any ideas?

April 20, 2005
9:40 pm
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Dear godscreation,

My take? Pure stupidity on her part, what kind of woman (or a man for that matter) would do that? A desperate one! That truly is desperate losing ones own self and giving all to another person. The attraction is, IMHO...HER problem.. She obviously has her own set of problems, just my thinking. I'm very sorry you are going through this. Is he really worth it? Think about that. You write that she has a beautiful "life" shall I say...Doubtful...... So wonderful that she is acting in this manner? I don't think she is dealing with a full deck. What can you do? Take control of your own life....

Thinking of you,

Sunny

April 21, 2005
5:56 pm
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godscreation, sounds like she "bought" him, and he fell for it...why? Who knows..it sounds awfully shallow. Money cannot buy happiness. I am sorry this happened to you...make sure he pays child support.
Also sounds like a mid-life crisis for him.

April 21, 2005
8:50 pm
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godscreation
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Sunnygrl,
Thank you for your reply. I did figure this woman was pretty desperate to move him in so quick. No, he is not all that and certainly not worth the heart-ache he has caused my son and myself. I am working on taking control of my own life and choices because that is all I can do. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise for the best. Thanks for the encouragement.

On My Way,
Thanks for your thoughts too. I guess she uses her money to buy companionship. But by her supporting him I will not be able to get child support, since he has no job. But I will just let go of the things I have no control over.

April 21, 2005
9:55 pm
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PoundingHeart
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Have you ever heard the expression "the one who loves the least controls the relationship"? ...or something like that. I think, unfortunately, that holds some truth.

People play those stupid games because they have no choice. If you are open and honest and allow yourself to be vulnerable and love someone, they will walk all over you in the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have no faith anymore in having something real and honest. Because in order to have someone treat me right I have to act like a b****ch and they'll be all over me drooling trying to make me happy. It makes NO sense to me, but that's how I see it. Life has taught me that there is truth to it.

April 21, 2005
10:13 pm
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Dear godscreation,

I am glad to hear that you are working on keeping you and your son in a safe place together. He has chosen his way, now you do whatever it takes to hold onto what you have. You and your son mean a heck of alot more than he/she... You deserve so much more. I'll be here for support, if you need... Take care of YOU..

Prayers and hugs,

Sunny

April 22, 2005
10:57 am
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how about this thought...it has no intimacy...relationships are built on intimacy...not sexual...just getting to know someone, sharing you heart, being accepted.

April 22, 2005
10:11 pm
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OMW,

You mean godscreations dilemma?

If so, I fully agree. This woman and man are not worthy . They have both shown their true selves. She buys him, he takes it, fools both. It can only end up disastrously. I always say, what goes around, comes around.

Best,

Sunny

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