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relationships that fail
June 26, 2007
2:20 am
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Monkeyfanatic
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so I realized that i think i need to be with someone to keep my life going...I was in a 2 and a half yr relationship where the guy hurt me emotionally and physically and since then ive found other people to attach myself to but it never works out....and now alcohol seems to been my answer the past week or so and im not happy with myself at all....and i constantly wait to see if my phone will ring and of course it doesnt...or when people say they will call me ill expect them 2 and when they dont i get anxious and upset and worked up and i just dont know wat to do with myself....

June 26, 2007
2:29 am
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Antagonist
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How did your relationship with your ex-boyfriend end?

June 26, 2007
2:41 am
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Monkeyfanatic
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well he lied about being alone wit some girl at his church..he thought it was okay for him to have chick friends but not me...or if i did i wouldnt be alone wit them while he could...and i found out and that weekend i was suppose to stay at his hse so one nite i slept in my car for an hr or so until he got home and we didnt sleep in the same bed that nite...then the next day we just fought all day and broke up...we hung out once after that but i realized i cant put myself thru anymore pain physically and or emotionally

June 26, 2007
2:59 am
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Antagonist
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Putting yourself through a relationship like that is not healthy, nor is abusing alcohol. Don't let alcohol take control of you. I say this with personal experience. I never even tasted alcohol until the night I found my ex-girlfriend with my bestfriend. I got plastared that night.

Don't look at your phone expecting a phone call. You should simply inform your loved ones that you need some time with yourself and simply turn your phone off.

I used to be in your situation, where I would look at my phone hundred times a day to see if my ex-girlfriend would call. Who cares if your boyfriend calls or not? He is not being a healthy part of your life. I also had the bad habit of getting pissed off at people when they would tell me that they would call but never called. I found out as time passed and I got more distance from the ex-girlfriend my habit of getting pissed at people faded. It's purely from being anxious all the time and my relationship made me anxious all the time.

Find new hobbies that you like. Start doing things that are new to you. Read a book, draw, clean your room. My personal salvation is my garage and my cars. Without my garage or tools I would go nuts. Everytime I am home and I feel depressed, I drag myself into the garage and start working on my project car. Within the first 10 minutes I get so drowned into working on my car that I forget all about being depressed.

Good luck, and please don't depend on alcohol. Drowning your sorrows in alcohol is not the answer.

June 26, 2007
10:50 am
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Monkeyfanatic
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Its hard to find new stuff cause all i did was wake up talk to him school then we would talk or work and we would talk then like hang out or w/e like he made it so he was all i had and now that i have nothin...its like a piece is missing and i have been trying to do all the old stuff before he came around and its not the same... and idk i think its hard 2 cause im trying not to meet new people cause i cant keep like attachin myself to someone and give them wat they want and then regret it and it all just goes down hill from there...which is y this last weeek i had the alcohol so i could pass out sooner....and not really have to talk to anyone...cause no one wants to hear it u kno they all got their own issues. And im stuck wit this engagement bill and hes not paying jack for it and like has his own life.....and idk it just bites really badly

June 26, 2007
12:11 pm
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Antagonist
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Well you have this forum to post on and get everything off your chest. And there is always someone willing to give an advice and hope.

My ex-girlfriend and I were in the same boat. Always talking and seeing each other during the day. The fact that she lives so close and goes to the same school as me contributed to the fact of seeing each other almost everyday. After we broke up I was clueless on what to do. It was like a complete part of me went missing. No matter how hard it is, you have to find something to do and occupy yourself. Don't depend on alcohol to make you pass out at night. All you need to do is get yourself tired and you will fall sleep pretty fast. Go for a late night walk or run for 15-20 minutes. Come home and take a warm shower and dive right into bed. That should put you to sleep pretty nicely.

There are SO many things you can do to occupy yourself. You just need to try. I understand that he was a big part of your life but the same way you brought him in you can take him out. And don't say you have nothing, you always have yourself to depend on. Things will get better. Trust me.

June 26, 2007
1:12 pm
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I agree with Antagonist. Find new things to try and explore on your own and enjoy re-inventing yourself with new experiences. It won't make the hurt go away, but it will keep your mind off of it for periods of time until you eventually forget to be sad and you can let go. We all need to vent and if you have no one you can call, then everyone here will listen and is here to help.

Don't beat yourself up over it and don't use alcohol as a crutch or you'll have a whole new problem. Good luck deciding who the "new you" will be! 🙂

June 26, 2007
3:41 pm
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Monkeyfanatic
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thanks guys its not just him tho in general i have codependency issues like if a guy looks ok for now i clench on which is y like i think i need to find classes to go to cause I cant talk to my parents and i mean ive had other crap like in my life like molested twice and i cant talk to my parents about it cause they wouldnt understand. I try to have serious conversations wit my mom and she just laughs because she has epilepsy and does not understand. My sis thinks she has the same issues as me but much worse so i dont talk to her much either and idk i just feel alone all the time even tho there r people around me but idk it just doesnt feel like anyone understands wats going on.. its like i fall further and further away from the world everyday....maybe i need a therapist but i dont have money for that....

June 26, 2007
4:48 pm
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Antagonist
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You need to focus on one thing at a time. If you try to fix all the problems at once you will burn out and get no where.

Right now it seems like you are

1) Trying to get over an ex-boyfriend and a relationship that was unhealthy.
2) Figure out how you can get out of being codependent.
3) Being depressed and feeling alone throughout everything.

I think you should focus on #1 at the moment. The more you get over the ex-boyfriend the more you help yourself work out #2 and #3. You are not alone in this, I know you think that no one is here for you. If you must think that way, so be it, but at least think of it as you are alone yet you are strong enough to take care of yourself and pull yourself through.

Like I mentioned previously, you need to get yourself busy with other things. I'm not telling you to go find another boyfriend or anything in that matter. Find a hobby, something that requires your full attention. The more you take your mind off your ex-boyfriend the sooner you will help yourself get through the other problems you are facing.

If it was not for my work and my project car, I would have still be going to therapy and taking Prozac to help with my anxiety.

June 26, 2007
6:49 pm
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Honolulugal
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Great advice Antagonist! You certainly sound healthy.

Monkey? There are lots of threads here in regard to being codependent. Start reading and posting. It really does help! I'm worlds better now, than I was last July when I realized what I was battling.

H-gal

June 26, 2007
7:12 pm
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Antagonist
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Thanks Honolulugal =) Good to know that I sound healthy, but I wish I was truly healthy also. I have a long path ahead of me and have my daily moments where I become depressed thinking about my ex-girlfriend and my past relationship.

I only hope my words and advices provide some help to Monkeyfanatic and actually help her in her situation. I still remember the emotional and mental pain I was in...and I never again want to be in that situation again.

June 26, 2007
10:39 pm
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Lisa26
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Antagonist,

I was wondering if I may ask you about your experience with therapy and taking Prozac for your anxiety? How long were you on it? Did you notice a difference? The reason I ask is that my ex (who I am also not over)was doing this and it definitely contributed to our breakup. He has become a different person in many ways although I still feel the essential problems are there. Just curious as to your thoughts?

June 27, 2007
12:50 am
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Antagonist
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~Lisa26

I do not mind answering your questions at all =)

I went to approximately 15 therapy sessions. It was about twice a month (give or take). I was on Prozac for 3 months I believe.

With all honesty I think the therapy helped a lot more than the Prozac did. I remember that the only thing Prozac did for me was make me sleepy. I could take 5 hour naps and wake up and go back to sleep an hour later. I think I personally contributed more to getting myself better than the pills did. Not forgetting the factor that my whole family and friends were against me taking Prozac lol.

But as I was saying, therapy is/was the biggest help for me. It was great talking to someone who is way older than me with a lot more experience that I could talk openly without being embarassed or hesistant. I loved how she did not mind me cursing or getting pissed off at the topic we were talking about lol. The only reason I stopped going is because I started working full time and felt that with work I did not need therapy anymore. Work gave me a feeling of achievement which in return made me feel motivated to get myself moving.

Prozac is not going to make your boyfriend turn into a complete different person that you dream of. He has to WANT to change to make it happen. Medication is simply a little boost. If he honestly does not want to contribute to fixing the things causing a problem in your relationship than there is nothing that could change that. I wanted to change, I wanted to get better and I wanted to achieve my goals and move on with my life. Before I went to therapy and Prozac I felt like I did not want do do anything.

June 27, 2007
1:25 am
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Monkeyfanatic
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thanks guys....yea just saw that the x bf has a new gf and he put that he loves her....weve only been broken up for a month now...so my heart just broke all over again actually....yea im thinkin go walkin and exercising more and like maybe join a gym and i can get all my frustration out there....idk yet....i kinda have bad motivation so if i go by myself it doesnt last long....

June 27, 2007
1:33 am
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Antagonist
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I take it you looked up his MySpace/FaceBook/AIM away messege?

Someone needs to tell the guy to grow up. My ex-girlfriend used to pull the same crap on me...and it worked perfectly. It used to get me fired up and heated up.

Best thing you do is un-install your AIM. Delete your MySpace/FaceBook. You can always get those back later down the road. For now focus on yourself and stop playing his childish mind games. That's so 10th grade.

June 27, 2007
1:51 am
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Monkeyfanatic
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well its cause they r dating now so its like a pic of him and her and it says "i love her so much"...I was just going to go there and wish him a happy b-day cause his b-day is tomorrow....and it made me cry...I mean yea ive tried to date someone since then but i wouldnt tell them I love them....

June 27, 2007
1:57 am
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Antagonist
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That's the whole point! He knows you are going to see that and he knows it is going to hurt you. He is just going with instant gratification anyway. I feel bad for the new girl that has no clue she is simply being used. Stop letting him control your emotions.

I made a silly mistake by txting my ex-girlfriend "happy birthday" when it was her birthday. This was when we were broken up and were not talking. I don't know what gave me the idea of wishing her a happy birthday. If she was in my situation she would not wish me a happy birthday...why did I do it? I don't know and I wish I would have not done it. My birthday is in 20 days, I won't definitely get a happy birthday from my ex-girlfriend. Don't give something that in return is going to hurt you. I do that all the time and that's why im still messed up. That's why I am codependent. I try to achieve people's appriciation and acceptence by doing nice things for them...and I never get what I hope for. Don't be like me.

How old is he? How old are you? Like I mentioned above, he is doing something that a highschool student would pull.

June 27, 2007
2:16 am
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fantas
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Monkey...I totally understand what you are ging through. I have been on both sides of the break up. I have obsessed and I literally was stalked by my ex for almost a year after we broke up. I have learned several things:

1. When you break up, you need to move on by yourself. What the other person does, no longer concerns you and vice versa. It may hurt but in all honesty, you and your ex both have a right to move one. Whether it's the next minute or the next year. 2. Every time, I tried to findout what my ex was up to, or made contact with him, I devalued myself and my worth. Every time he violated my space in any, I felt unsafe and hurt. 3. It's wasn't to my benefit to keep looking back...I should have spent that time grieving the loss of the relationship and learning to move on.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. Every rejection is a new direction. Keep up the strength!

June 27, 2007
2:35 am
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Monkeyfanatic
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im 21 hes turning 23 tomorrow...I kno its just hard to not kno wats going on u kno. Like I said before he was all I had like and he made sure of that..I stopped talking to friends before because of him.Because he wanted my full attention. Thankfully I was able to get them back because ive known them for so long and they know that i wouldnt have done that normally but knew he had that type of control over me. Yea i warned this other girl about him to watch out for wat he does...but she never responded to me so yea...Idk..its just weird to not be apart of that anymore u kno. But at the same time im glad cause i hated his mom...she was totally fake with me and his brother 2...but his dad was sincere and his cousin. Its just idk how like u could be so selfish and be like "i totally love this girl" that he hasnt known that long and probably has been dating for like wat 2 or 3 weeks now...idk just doesnt make sense...

June 27, 2007
4:57 pm
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nappy
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Relationship that fail is because so many peoples are putting so much expectation into that other person.
They have this thinking that the person that they get up with is suppose to make everything alright in there life and when they don't then they are wondering what is happening and then they are hurt.
When you do get into a relationship with that kind of thinking then you are setting yourself up hurt and failure.
Everyone has some sort of baggage. They just trying to find that someone that will help them carry the baggage because it could be very heavy.
Womens are looking for this STRONG man that will make everything alright. This man is suppose to take care of everything, even when he carries her over the threshold that is suppose to mean that he will make everything better.
And a man is looking for a MAID. Someone who will clean up his mess and make everything alright and to don't carry to many of his baggages because he don't want her to know that he isn't perfect.
I see alot of young peoples that has there whole life in front of them but they don't see it themselves. As a woman, you need to first try and stand on your own before you start searching for your soul mate.
Mens come and go but it is up to you to stand firm whether or not you have a man in your life.

You wrote:
"Like I said before he was all I had like and he made sure of that."

He didn't do that, you did. You did that because you gave him ALL of your power as a woman. You center your life around him.

"Because he wanted my full attention"

You can't and shouldn't give a man your full attention. Please, that is what you do when you have a child, not to somebody that is grown.

"Yea i warned this other girl about him to watch out for wat he does...but she never responded to me so yea."

You can't control another person and you can't warn other girls about him. Everyone is difference and who to say that the next girl he get up with is not going to let him have all of her power as a woman.

You truly need to work on yourself and let this person go. When you are not together, you can do whatever you want to do.
Nappy!

June 27, 2007
7:37 pm
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Monkeyfanatic
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i didnt let him do anything he just did it...hes the one that went thru my phone and deleted numbers. And yes I do have to move on and i will just rite now like we said i need to focus on my inner issues and figure out how to get rid of those so in my next relationship the same crap wont happen or if it starts 2 i kno how to get up and walk away with out a scar.....

June 28, 2007
7:34 am
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Hi monkey fanatic, I had a really hard time breaking up with one of my last boyfriends. In fact, I still look at this myspace page even though he now lives with someone and has a baby with her. He was abusive, but a charmer. He had me hooked like no one else had. Nappy said something in here that really hit me. Never give a man your full attention. Kids need full attention and he's not a kid. That's a pretty deep statement and I'm going to follow it because I tend to put all my eggs in one person at one time and well, quite frankly that's a lot of pressure on that one person. The other thing is...try really hard to move on. The more you cling your hopes on your ex, the longer it will take for you to heal and be ready for the person who is right for you. I read this in an article written by Lance Armstrong's ex wife. You might want to google it and see if it comes up. This is totally true. The faster you let go, the faster you will move on. I'm not saying it's not hard, but sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and jump into your new life with a lot of faith and courage. Wishing you happiness and courage. xxoo

June 29, 2007
4:50 am
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Monkeyfanatic
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im afraid...cause idk wats the truth or wats a lie when people talk to me....so idk how to like move on...idk how to figure out wats bests..... I mean yea theres always been somone else for the past 10 yrs but he lives so far away...so i cant just concentrate on that cause idk if that will ever happen u kno...dang man idk wat to about anything....like guys ask me out but idk cause i dont trust people so like idk how to act or like be around them....

June 29, 2007
5:04 pm
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nappy
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Monkeyfanatic,
You ask the question on how to move on.

Just untangle the knots.. One day at a time.

Pictures your life as a jumble of shoestrings all tied up in knots, each shoestring a difference color. The different shoestrings represent the different elements of your life.

Each knot represents a problem, and the process of untangling those knots and straightening out those problems is going to take a bit of time and effort. It took a long time to tie all those knots, and it will take some time to straighten them all out.

One of peoples problems is that they tend to jum from one thing to another. They have come to expect everything to be quick and easy.

It may be hard, and it may take time, but if you will commit yourself to the process of getting it done, sooner or later you will see victory in your life and experience the freedom you have wanted for so long.
Nappy!

PS. Oh the important thing to remember is, no matter how long it takes, never give up, and never quit- keep at it.

June 29, 2007
5:08 pm
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ggfred4
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Nappy, I have to tell you what a wonderful analogy you wrote...about the knots. I wish everyone on this site could read it. Thank you,

gg

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