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relationship with a married man
January 16, 2007
6:58 am
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wannabe
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I was in a one year relationship with a collegue we were both single. he was a drunkard and very iresponsible, on few ocaasiona he abused me sexually. we broke up after I started confiding in a married guy whom I trusted so much. he would advice me against my boyfriend and would even offer me money. eventually it turned into a relationship. his wife is away at the U.S for studies for 5years. she has been gone one year now. we are in Africa.

my first boyfriend is planning to marry his ex-girlfriend and I still have feelings for him. should I ask him to forgive me and marry me? or is there a chance that the married guy may marry me too. they both say they love me. I have feelings for both of them.

January 16, 2007
8:08 am
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bevdee
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With the man that abused you sexually, what is it that you believe he needs to forgive you for?

January 16, 2007
8:12 am
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wannabe
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bevdee, thanx for responding.

I feel he should forgive me for leaving him for a married guy. he knew all along when I was getting advice and even discouraged me, saying we could solve our issues on our own. but I never listened.

I feel guilty because the married man was a mutual friend, and I want to apologise coz I feel I betrayed him

January 16, 2007
8:20 am
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bevdee
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Wannabee

What steps did your ex take toward solving the issues of drunkenness, irresponsibility and rape? It would seem, if you say he tried to discourage you from leaving, that he had some warning.

Do you know if he has stopped drinking?

January 16, 2007
8:24 am
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reachingout
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I don't think you should marry any of them sounds like you need some time for just you.Come on one is married the other abused you this isn't love you need to rethink these relationships.Not trying to be harsh but you need to step back and look at your life

January 16, 2007
8:32 am
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wannabe
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reachingout,
thanx for the input. you have a point, am fearful though of loosing the married man and being single. I depend on him so much, am not confident of meeting a single guy again

bevdee
my ex has not changed, he still drinks. the only difference is, he got a job in a different town so now he has no choice but to stay on his own, he cant stay with the parents anymore. I chat with him one in a while. as far as the rape is concerned he has never admited it was rape because he says I was his girlfriend.

January 16, 2007
8:47 am
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bevdee
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Wannabe

From what you tell, it doesn't sound as if he has changed very much.

"he has never admited it was rape because he says I was his girlfriend." I would see this as a huge warning of things to come if you were to resume your relationship with him. Because you were his girlfriend - this gives him the right to your body, even though you say no?

What would he think is permissable if y'all were married?

I know that in the past, I have had feelings of jealousy when I found out an ex had a new woman, or was getting married. There was alot of regret and sadness for the love I thought I lost.

But now, I kinda feel sorry for the new woman, knowing she will probably have as hard or harder time than I did.

January 16, 2007
9:21 am
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lovetocrochet
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Have to agree with the advice given. Rape is rape, regardless of if he knew you or not.

There are laws that protect women from being raped by their own husbands - what does that tell you? Hopefully that your ex is screamingly wrong and that he's also dangerous. If you get back with him, chances are he'll do it again, and that will only justify in his mind abusing you more.

I would also break it off with the married man. You're committing adultery no matter how you slice it, you're messing with a marriage. Put yourself on the other side of this and ask yourself if you'd want to be this man's wife... there are no excuses for having an affair.

January 17, 2007
12:13 am
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wannabe
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thanks for the advice,

I know I have the will power to do the right thing. than you all

January 24, 2007
8:51 am
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wannabe
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am back again, I guess matters of the heart are not just a switch to be put on and off.

I broke up with both.

the married guy and the wife have now separated. they were never legaly married so I dont know if they will have to go through court cases and divorce blah blah blah

the thing is, he called and he wants us to consider getting back together. I love him, I want him and I think he does too thats why he asked.

has anyone experienced this???? is that still adultery???

I have a headache just trying to make a decision!!!!

January 24, 2007
9:17 am
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taj64
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If they are not legally married then they are not married, simple as that so technically speaking no adultry. But the obstacle I see is that he was/is living life as a married couple as far as emotionally for while in that there was a commitment whether or not papers are involved and he still in my opinion was straying. I'd be very concerned that he is just wanting to not be alone now that this relationship is over and that he is on rebound now and not really ready. I was involved with a married man too and he stayed with her to work it out. I'd prefer it if I never saw him again so that I would never be tempted because I can understand your dilemma completely. I would be very tempted to try again but scared that he would cheat on me. As it was in that relationship I was second choice even though he said he never thought I was second, I was second and I deserve to be one and only. It was heartbreak beyond anything I have ever imagined. I hope you can make the right decision for you because it is yours alone and every relationship is different. Sometimes they do work out. I would really think about this and if you do decide to get back with him, take your time. Often times when a person is on the side when the person is married, they only get to see the good side and not the bad stuff that the wife/husband sees and you don't get a real life experience and he might not be so good for you. It is a lot to weigh so do so carefully. I wish you luck. PS I love my married guy still I have to admit, yet I also still angry with him for all the hurt he caused me; either never goes away.

January 24, 2007
12:42 pm
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Shaney
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I think taj has a valid concern. His fear of being alone may have him needing to confirm a relationship with you, before this one is completely over. Did they separate due to his infidelity, or were there other issues?

Honestly, I'd be very wary of handing my heart over to this guy. Have you ever heard the phrase, "You lose 'em how you got 'em?" I've seen this very idea proven time and time again - if you got them due to cheating, then you'll probably lose them the same way. I just feel that there would always be trust issues to deal with, which destroys the very core of any relationship. Just something to think about.

January 25, 2007
2:32 am
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wannabe
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thankx Taj and Shaney

its amazing how shairing stuff can really help.

no they dint break up because of ifedility.

its a long story, but I will explain. he had gotten a contract for a few days where she was working. lets call the lady XY and the guy GN later in the evening XY and a buddy of hers asked GN for a lift. he gave both of them a ride, when they got to town he offerd to buy them drinks. while they were having drinks XY got a call from her BF and excuse dherself.

XY and GN drank till late and ended up having a one-night -stand. which resulted in XY getting a pregnant.

since they were both single, GN asked XY to move in with him for the sake of the baby. (note there was neither love nor a relationship let alone courship)

the first two years were okay, but then they both started getting uncomfortable. the lady expecially felt cheated coz after the pregnancy she lost her job and married a guy he dint even know.

then the normal issues begine, no talking for days, no getting intimate and they both wanted to separate, but like most of us they cared so much about what people will say.

so after six years of living in the same house. GN decides to put XY on a plane to the U.S, that was a kind separation, she has the opportunity to futher her education and better opportunity in life.

note: I met and worked with GN when XY was still here and they were married. for a whole year and six months, he was my big brother, infact I would always confide in him about other relationships.

for six months after XY left GN, never dated anyone, then we went on our very first date and after that we started seeing each other idfferently, we did start to love each other.

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