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relationship roller coaster
January 11, 2007
12:25 pm
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thetbeav
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I'm new to the boards and have spent the last few days just reading. Everyone seems very supportive and kind, and I could use some of that! 🙂 I start counseling for the first time this coming up Wednesday. I've always felt very strong and level headed, but I've been in a roller coaster relationship for the last year and a half. One day he is all my dreams could ever hope for, the next he's putting me down and completely hateful. Nevertheless, all the put downs and name calling over and over has paid a toll, and I'm ready to get some professional help to deal with it.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar?

January 11, 2007
1:04 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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I know I have and know many others here that have as well.

Are you still in the relationship?

what do you hope to gain from this?

I think you are doing the right thing by seeing a therapist and getting some help...I spent many years blaming my partners for all my pain....one day I woke up to realize that I was ALLOWING it. and that the fault was more mine than theirs.

Yes, they had a degree of responsibility, BUT if I had not let them into my life, and "accepted the ticket to ride" that roller coaster...I never would have had the pain.

no matter what happens - remember, YOU have a CHOICE.

you can keep going with this situation...knowing it's going to have it's ups and downs...or you can find a different one to ride, one that may suit your needs better.

good luck to you.

women who love too much and codepdent no more are the best books, they may help.

January 11, 2007
1:52 pm
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thetbeav
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Well, it's not that easy to just leave the relationship...not b/c of the normal "I love him" "maybe someday it will be better" stuff. But, we rented out the house I own in order to live together and we own a business together. I have no friends or family in this town (anyone I can truly go to for help) and I've rented out my house so I can't go there. And as far as the business, I'm contractually obligated to continue. I'm just stuck right now and have to get some things in line before I would be able to leave. This is all what I'm hoping a professional can help me sort through and get to a plan.

THanks for the book recommendations: I'm reading Patricia Evans - her verbal abusive, how to spot and cope book right now. It hits home 100%.

January 11, 2007
2:05 pm
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nappy
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I guess once you get your affairs in order, then you will know what to do. I can't say to go and I can't say to leave, that is a choice that you have to make.
rising is right about the fact that we do have choices in life on how others treat us. And it is our faults at times that we go through what we go through because we have allow others to treat us badly.

You just might have to learn to live with how he is treating you, if you decide to stay. It won't be easy.

It is not easy and I know that some on here would say to leave him because they already knows that it will continue and you will feel less and less happy with that person.

I have left many of things in my past relationships but I never look back. I think about them sometimes and thanking god everyday that I didn't stay stuck in a relationship that I knew was not good for me, regardless of what I had going on with me at the time.
The old saying is "IF I'M GOING TO DO BAD, THEN LET ME DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF"
I can relate to that message because why do you want to be sad your whole life while you are with this certain person. Who is fooling who, both party knows that each one is not happy but the one that is really not happy is going to make life hell for the other person.

January 11, 2007
4:35 pm
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scyllamessina
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Be careful that you don't wait to a point where things explode. Is he willing to go to counseling with you?

January 11, 2007
4:45 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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I remember thinking I couldn't make my boyfriend leave cuz we had a rent together.

or cuz he owed me tons of money.

well, no pain was worth the price tag it was costing me.

leaving cost me monetarily, but in the end, was priceless, once I got my sanity back.

contracts can be broken...renters can be evicted...there are ways, IF you really want it.

January 11, 2007
7:29 pm
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thetbeav
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I can't just evict a renter b/c of my bad relationship. IT's not my renter's problem that I'm in a rocky relationship. It's my bed that I've made, and I'll at least lie in it until the rental agreement has expired.

If I were to cancel my contracts with the MANY clients I have coming up, I will only make things difficult for them and destroy my reputation in the industry. I would be kissing my career goodbye and I have invested a tremendous amount of time and money into it.

I'm not sure exactly what the answer is, but I'll figure it out. Hopefully counseling will help me figure out what the right courses of actions are.

Yes, he has said that he wants to do couseling. He says he wants to do whatever it takes to make sure we have a happy relationship. After so long of just the same ole', it's hard to imagine that anything will be able to work.

I'm just taking things day by day.

January 11, 2007
7:49 pm
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doubleloss
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thetbev, hi and welcome to the boards. counseling sounds like the best thing you can do for yourself right now. it's good to have a plan and work things through at a pace that you are comfortable with. I am coming out of an 18 year old relationship (married 12) my ex and i own a condo AND a business and the transition has not been easy eventhough him and I are in good terms and neither is jurking the other one around, so I'm lucky in that respect. If your relationship is abusive things might get ugly and complicated so if you decide to leave make sure you think of all the things that are going to come up, for sure talk to a lawyer and cover all your bases. Friendly or not when people are hurting we all behave weird. Best of luck to you!

January 11, 2007
9:08 pm
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thetbeav
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doubleloss, thanks for the feedback. It sounds like you know exactly where I'm coming from. I can't just make impulsive decisions without making sure I've covered evertything I've worked so hard for.

It's comforting to hear that in the end, two people (like you and your ex) have found a way to be within good terms and take care of things that you grew together.

January 12, 2007
2:53 pm
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doubleloss
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hi thetbeav, yes, we are lucky that way, we are truly good friends, and even then it is very, very hard. For me this whole thing has been a very long process, I have been critized to death as friends and family were like : you have to be quicker, faster, blabla bla, but we could only move at our own pace. Having said that we didn't have an abusive relationship; perhaps things would have moved much quicker if I was being insulted and verbally attacked, i don't know. But friendly or not is brutal, so take care ofyourself, KNOW your rights, that's the best advice I can give you.

January 16, 2007
1:10 am
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thetbeav
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Thanks for the comments, double. It feels good jut to even just talk about it. I've just been dealing with it internally for so long.
It feels good to get it out.

Thanks again! 🙂

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