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relationship problem
March 26, 2001
5:57 pm
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joe joe
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Well, I'm new at this. And I'm struggling with something here. Ok, here it is.
I'm a 29 year old single male with a history of relationships that left me very bitter. I haven't had an intimate relationship in 6 1/2 years. Now, I've had this dance partner of the same age for about 3 or 4 months, although I've known her for almost a year. We were just friends until just last week. To make a long story short, she shared some feelings with me and said that she 'cares for me very much...'-- It really shocked me that someone so beautiful would be interested in me. There are a couple obstacles though. One is: she is somewhat of a supervisor to me. Second: she has a boyfriend who is also a friend of mine. But the thing that is bothering me most is this: My past relationships have left me very bitter and I was OK when I was alone. Lonely, yes, but I was fine. Now, I am very distraught over this. I want a relationship with her so much, but I feel I'm not good enough for her and also am SO AFRAID of being hurt again. Our friendship has changed-- how can I restore what we had. If I had my way, I'd talk to her every day, but it's been 4 days now of not speaking. We've been separated at work, which is good. I felt too much tension between us. Why am I taking out all of my bitter feelings toward her? She's done nothing to me! I'm still not sure if I even want a relationship with her. It's probably better to stay friends. I did a good thing. I went to a counselor today who told me that I have to learn my boundaries. I'm giving too much of myself to her and it is leaving me vulnerable. And that is true I guess. Anyway, if anyone out there has got any advice that might help, I'd certainly love to hear from you. I'm in desperate need of some positive reinforcement. In the mean time, I'll just have to hang in there and take it slow. Thanks for reading.........

March 26, 2001
6:19 pm
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Ladeska
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You need to follow your couselor's advice. No. 1 - she is already in a relationship and with your friend. So, big time betrayal on her part. This isn't very nice of her to include you in her muddled up feelings and mess. For you to have genuine feelings for her is one thing, but to put them into action is another. She's not a free woman and you may be repeating history here by moving forward with her. But, in all actuality you are fighting that and this is the good part. You're pulling back and going - wait a minute - what's going on here with me and with her? You're able to pull back and put your brain into action without following impulse to just blindly follow and let your heart direct things. This is very good and healthy for you. Not all people that will interest us or have appeal to us - are good matches for us. We just need to acknowledge that we were drawn, but then analyze the situation and go - no, this wouldn't be good for me for these reasons. She's obviously a needy person right now and may be a needy woman in general. That doesn't mean that her charm and sex appeal isn't really operational. (smile) I'm sure the allure is really strong in that department or you wouldn't be in such a quandry.

It feels strange when we get healthier and then are presented with a temptation to go back and repeat history. We have a flood of feelings that come at us. We may falter some, sway, fall, and ask a million questions. But, the important thing is - you're looking at it and asking the questions. Good for you!!! Big High Five for you! My hunch is - this woman is trouble and you need to back away and not allow her to make you wear it. Just say No and still be who you are. Whatever she does as a result of this boundary - is her problem and you shouldn't act codependently and assume it is your responsibility. Just because she pushes the buttons, doesn't mean that everything immediately falls into her lap as she would want it. Real people with real lives are involved here and the world does not revolve around her wishes or desires. Bummer. She sounds like a very self-centered person and quite the charmer. Beware.

6 1/2 years of being a good friend to yourself isn't so bad. It's a good thing really and you will be very gunshy about entering into another relationship. You need to be. We all need to be wary about what we are getting into. I suggest you write down what you want in a relationship and in a woman and look at that list often when someone comes into your life that sends the lights flashing. No. 1 on that list should be - they are unattached. If she's unhappy in her relationship, the last thing she needs to be doing is hooking up with her guy's friend. Sounds to me like she's passive aggressive and just trying to make him jealous at your expense. Her being in a supervisory capacity over you is not a good thing. I see "predator" written all across her forehead. You need to be very careful here with her. Sexual harrassment would be the name of this tune if it gets out of hand. Good luck and write back if you need to.

March 27, 2001
4:03 am
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joe joe
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Wow! That was some really good reading. You are very right with some of the things you said. She IS trouble. I am beginning to recognize the signs now. Maybe it's because I have pretty much decided that I'm carrying alot of baggage from my past. I really want a relationship, but it has to be for the right reasons and with the right person; I'm convinced that she is NOT the right one. Predator- now that's a good one! I just hope that in time, we can put this behind us and still be friends. NO MORE DANCING for awhile. I just have to stay focused.

I want to really thank you for your help!!!

March 27, 2001
4:15 pm
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Ladeska
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You're so welcome, Joe. We humans - need each other. God only knows I've had my share of poisonous relationships. But....the thing is - you have to allow yourself to learn and grow from mistakes and to use it as step from whence you propel yourself upward, not downward. You've gained knowledge here and it will season into wisdom. It's not all bad what you gone through. "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud would be a good book for you. As far as the predator thing is concerned - you'd be very surprised to know how the "need to hunt" for the sheer sport of it is alive and well on planet earth and in suburbia. Our primal instincts are still there, some of them have just gotten very maligned and twisted. I would definitely give that woman some space.......and keep your eyes real open.....some rejected people can turn really nasty. My hunch is - she'll go find another victim so she can get her jollies. Will be most interesting for you to just sit back and watch...

March 30, 2001
1:58 pm
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she-she
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Hello, I am new at this but I think that my boyfriend is cheating on me.

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