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Relationship on the rocks
October 27, 2006
3:12 pm
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Anonymous
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Hello-
I was engaged to my fiance' and was pregnant and unfortunately had a miscarriage. Well I had some depression and hormone issues afterwards that caused my behavior to change. I came home about 1 month later from having the miscarriage to see that he moved out and left me a typed memo of why he left. I was crushed. We had e-mailed back and forth and he explained that he thought I didn't want to be with him anymore so he left me without sitting me down and communicating to me what he was thinking. So we were e-mailing me basically begging for forgiveness and him convincing me he wasn't the right guy for me. Well when I finally accepted it and told him so he e-mailed me and said he wanted to talk in person, and then well we got back together. During our 3 week split he slept with someone else and was talking to girls late at night, obviously he had a much easier time with this than I did. Now we are together and I love him but I have a lot of resentment for what he did even though I took him back I feel he didn't really want to be with me and I forced him back. When I try to vent my feelings to him we get in these 3 hr discussions everytoher night that end up with him yelling, saying we should just break up, then he goes to bed when I'm upset with no resolution and can't sleep, so then I go to work exhausted and it seems to be a cycle. I don't believe he really wants to be with me and I can't figure out why he came back and why he still is there. We got a house we are renting that he really likes and I sometimes feel like he's sticking around for that. he tells me he hasn't seen the person he fell in love with in a long time and maybe he doesn't really know me at all. Well with everything that happened it's been a rocky road and hard to get back my frame of mind. He lied about being involved with anyone when I asked him, he lied repeatedly until he got caught red handed. I don't kow what to do, I'm scared he's going to leave again. I know he knows how needy I am of him and I think he takes advantage of my insecurities. I need advice so badly, my stomach is always in knots and I can't eat.....

October 27, 2006
3:53 pm
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Simondo3573
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This guy is treating you bad. Is this making you happy I feel for you. This is a great site to share your problems. I stuck it out with my cheating wife for seven years and for once a cheat always a cheat. My story is under "coming to terms with the end of my marriage' other folk will give you support to. Unless this guy can show you some love you should split - sorry but you will find happiness again with some one better. I'm a needy person and this site is for people like us. What I say is my point of view and you should do what you thinks best. Good luck and welcome to the site. You will find loads of threads from people with a similar story some where you are now and others further down the way. Big Hugs you are not alone

October 27, 2006
4:28 pm
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shyshy
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I think I have another point of view. Perhaps he slept with other women when he left because he was hurting? I remember doing some really stupid things when I separated from my husband because I was hurting.

I think maybe it was hard for him to come to a conclusion on what to do with the relationship and when he finally decided he figured the best way to deal with it is to move on with his life. If he left then in his mind it was over.

If he's with you now, there is no sense in bringing up the past as much as you may want to. It just aggravates things and keeps you from moving forward. Appreciate the fact that you are together again and try and move past this whole ordeal.

I know it's hard, but you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it all out. Believe me, I've been there.

Start over and concentrate on what will make the relationship better. He said he hasn't seen the woman he fell in love with in a long time so maybe you should concentrate on finding yourself again and finding enjoyment in life and in what you have right now.

Peace!

October 27, 2006
4:34 pm
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shyshy
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P.S.

Finding yourself again and concentrating on you will get him more interested and bring him closer. The healthier you get emotionally the more attracted he will become. At least, that's usually the case.

October 27, 2006
6:42 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I could have written this post word for word. You have NO clue how dead on my situation WAS to yours.

I, too, questioned why he would be with me if he seemed so unhappy.

I still don't know the answer to that.

However, the fact remains - he doesn't think he's good enough for you.

And someone told me that when someone tells you that, you should believe it - not try and talk him out of it.

I talked two of my exes into staying - I am a good salesman they say. They believed what I said - and I believed they were good people.

But they weren't. And no matter how much I wanted to believe they were, they weren't, underneath it all.

As for the sleeping with someone else - mine cheated. I took him back. We went to counseling. I tried trusting him again. I went to coda meetings. I came here. I started trusting him again. He cheated on me again.

I think the biggest disappointment was that I allowed myself to stay in this miserable situation for far too long. I deserved much better.

I understand that perhaps he was confused about your relationship status - the question I have is where were you during that month and how come you weren't in touch with him and did he know about the miscarriage? If he was totally in the dark, I can understand he thought you abandoned him and went looking for someone else.

However, that doesn't fix the relationship now.

If you spend more time miserable, it may be best just to walk away now. Sometimes too much water passes under the bridge and no matter how much you want to get past it all, you can't.

If you are "discussing" on a regular basis and getting nowhere and still unhappy....you really are just beating a dead horse.

October 27, 2006
7:17 pm
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taj64
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I think you do know the answer deep down but is to hard for you to accept. His behavior is from someone who does not want to commit. He does indeed care for you but it is not the love that you need or want. He sees that you are insecure, so he is walking on eggshells not to hurt you because on one level he does not want to do this. Relationships do change as time goes and in this case it appears that it did not grow for him but did for you. Some men just don't leave becuase of a comfort level. They don't leave because they may not have something to fall back on and are scared to act. It could go on and on if you allow it to. And you seem willing to allow rather than to face the inevitable. Without trust a relationship ends up being unsuccessful. And this relationship, the caring side looks very one side. You're going to end up really hurt if you stay in it. As for sleeping with another person, there really is no excuse for it, none. He is grown man, capable of making decisions, and he decided to take the wrong path to deal with hurt. He is telling you loud and clear that he is not the guy for you, I believe there is truth to that because even out of anger and pain comes out true feelings. He is not valuing you as a partner. It is time for you to value yourself more by not allowing someone to walk on you this way. Work on yourself, your insecure feelings, and things will get better for you and you will learn for next time around to have guy that really does care for you, put you first and foremost and won't even think about stepping out or lying. You deserve better.

October 27, 2006
7:54 pm
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pleasant
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Relationship on the Rocks: This is my first time on this website and I truly thought that I'm the only one needy enough to take what little crumbs of affection and attention my husband is willing to give to me right now. We've been separated for 6 months because we have a very volital relationship and it wasn't good for the kids to see us arguing all the time. When it started to become violent, I knew I had to leave. I moved out but I didn't move on. We've been seeing each other since I left, but he to, started to stray away and lie about where he was at. It wasn't until I caught him that he finally admitted that he thought he had feelings for someone else. It crushed me and I to, have had difficulty eating and functioning like a normal human-being. I went to counseling and all they wanted to do was encourage me to go find someone else. That's not what I need to do because I'm co-dependent and I know that I need to heal before getting involved in another relationship. I just don't know how to get myself to move on at this point. I've got religion, I've got children, I've got a job, but I don't have a friend that can relate to my situation because they think I'm so strong and independent. They have no idea how vulnerable I really am and I don't want them to. So, I appreciate this website because I don't feel so alone in my misery. I'm sorry that this is so long-winded but I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel and I'm here if you need to vent. Take care.

October 29, 2006
5:34 am
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sis_who_got_help
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I'm filled with questions, please answer only if you feel comfortable doing so: You had a miscarriage and then moved out? Was this because you were overwhelmed with emotion or because you knew he wouldn't be there? What were his reasons for leaving in the first place? Are you happy with your relationship or are you staying because you feel like there is never going to be anyone else that will love you?
I think you should try to find out why you want to stay with someone who is emotionally abandoning you. You said that you were engaged, I take it you are not anymore? I encourage you to look deep inside and find love for yourself. You are worthy of love and deserve nothing less.

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