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Relationship help
October 17, 2002
5:48 pm
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costy
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my wife is immature, childish,emotionally weak.can anyone help?

October 17, 2002
6:22 pm
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tracylyn
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My first thought was to rip on you here and say how very judgemental of you.....but I would not be very helpful if I did that.

So, taking a deep breathe to slow down and think a minute.....I think we'd first need to know what you are really asking, what do you want help with, why do you feel this way, please exlain and I'm sure you'll get a whole bunch of advise from a whole bunch of very wise souls.

Thanks, be well.

October 18, 2002
2:22 am
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lily1979
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October 18, 2002
8:52 am
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costy
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Dear tracylyn,
It was nice of that u responded to my thread.i need help inorder to under stand my wife better.Its been 2 months we have been married.We r from india.I have an arrange marrige.My wife has a lot of insecurities in mind.she is emotionally weak & cries often with minor things.She is lean & does not eat well.She needs to broaden her mind & developsome maturity.she is 26 yrs but it does not seems that she has that maturity.I would like u to discuss about this.I wish she could be more independent& do not have to depend on me.So suggest

October 18, 2002
10:43 am
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Cici
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Hi costy,

If this is an arranged marriage, and you've only been together for 2 months, then you're probably still in a period of adjustment. Your new wife will not necessarily behave in the way you want her to - she's an individual with individual needs and obviously she sounds like she is in a lot of emotional pain. If she's not eating well and crying a lot - well, that sounds like depression to me.

Facing a change in life's circumstanes, and any major, life-changing event, can lead to depression - and with the proper gentle support, any individual can recover from this. It takes a lot of understanding, though. It can be tough living with a person who is depressed.

I can't hel pyou much beyond that. I knew my husband for 2 years before we married so he was well aware of my faults and my strengths before we were married.

Does she have a job? Does she speak english well yet? My Mom is not a native english speaker and it took her a few years to be able to be independent. Can she drive a car?

Probably the best self-esteem builder I can think of is if she gets her own job.

October 18, 2002
5:01 pm
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costy
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well cici,

It was nice of u to respond.My wife is a research scientist &can speak english well.I believe this may be the way she is born & brought up.i agree to u that we r married recently & its a major event as she has left her parents & have come along with me to live life togather.I can say she is fussy about eating its not that she does not eat.i feel her behaviour is very much realted to her physical standards.she is short tempered because of her lean& short built.I wish to create a good understanding with her.I plan to bring some self help books &audios.What do u comment?What do u say about the insecurities she has?

October 18, 2002
8:00 pm
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Molly
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Give her time and chill bro....
Women need to feel safe. Women need to feel secure, and it doesn't happen in 2 months. The world is amuck, which makes it even worse than usual, time, will help, so consider her.Short lean people are not the only ones that do not eat, she could be depressed, scared, shy, angry just for a few. Talk to her.

October 18, 2002
9:09 pm
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karoline
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Costy,

Not only is your wife adjusting to a newly, arranged marriage but she is also experiencing what could be called culture shock. No? How long have the two of you been in the United States? As the other folks here have indicated, your wife sounds depressed and anxious.

How does your wife view her present situation? Have you talked to her directly about these concerns or are you speaking mainly from your observations?

One way to start would be to let her know in a kind, compassionate and loving way that you are concerned about her.

October 20, 2002
10:40 am
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costy
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Dear karolone/Molly,
I am truly convinced by your suggestions ,u are true that she is undergoing a cultural shock & would take time to adjust.Its been just 2 months we have come to united states.She often talks about going back.But I a rigid with the fact to estalish myself here .She is in a wonderful job as a research assistant of which she never realises the worth.Her one leg still happpens to be in india.she often compares India with united states & crips on many things.She still needs time to love
& understand her life with me & my career here too.On a simple argument she stops eating food.This is her basic behavior.i wish if she could be strong to face & enjoy life.She makes fussy in eating food & does not like milk which is important source of nutrition.I would give her more compassion & love but I want her to know that life is not a honeymoon or bed of roses.Kindly suggest me some exercises which I could practice inorder her adjust & come over things easily.

October 20, 2002
7:59 pm
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Alena
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Costy,
Welcome to this site, and welcome to the U.S. !

Pardon me, but I must say I chuckled to myself when you wrote that you don't want your wife to think that life is a honeymoon or a bed of roses...*smile*...uh, here in the wonderful US of A, you ARE on your honeymoon...American couples are considered on their honeymoon for about the first year of marriage. This is when you are all lovey, cuddly, massive doses of hugs and kisses, sweet talk and promises, trying to be lighthearted and just sailing through the differences and relishing in the making up sessions.

If your wife has a good career here, she more than likely is exposed to us American women on a daily basis and I'm sure we will be enlightening her on our customs, as opposed to yours...I believe we are just so much more liberal with our lives here, she may be frustrated by the clashing of what she knows as her culture and what she is beginning to know as American culture. I wish you so much good luck, my only suggestion to you is to see if you can just be gentle with her during this time, be gentle and loving with each other. Two months of marriage, an arranged one at that, has to be pretty difficult. Try a little tenderness.....eh?

October 20, 2002
8:59 pm
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karoline
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Great advice, Alena!!

Costy, hang in there with her and be patient. It must be very difficult for your wife to make such great adjustments!! I can't even imagine. Don't rush her. It will take some time.

October 21, 2002
9:15 am
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costy
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Dear Alena & Karoline,
Thanks for your magnetic advice.
U guys have given me wondeful piece of advice.But I would like to ask u how she could over her childishness & get a little more mature.i would also like to take some selfhelp books or some books on marital realtionship.there r several books available.I wish bloom my realtionship & have a great understanding.My prime concern now is her health as I already mentioned in my above threads that she does not consume milk & makes fuss about food.suggest?

October 21, 2002
9:40 am
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SGS
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Hi, I am dating a man who works at my job site. I dated him a year ago and when we got serious he backed off. I let him go graciously. A year went by and I'd see him & he'd wave--ugh. This summer he saw me and asked me to call him. I didn't call for two weeks. He finally reached me by phone and we got together. Now I'm afraid the same distancing is happening again. I thought it would be different this time because it was. Each weekend we would plan to go to garage sales and it was fun. He's buying a house for the first time & I know he's busy. He called Friday to say he was busy Friday night meeting with the home sellers. It is Monday and no phone call. I beeped him twice and no call back. I kept myself busy this weekend. I'm a strong person & guess I just need to grab another pound of strength. This time I'm putting myself first. Do you think I need to give him more TIME?? I want to get my things back he has of mine and end it. I'm hypervilating at work and I want to be able to concentrate. What do you think about putting a note on his car like: If you don't want to see me anymore or return my calls
I want my things back. (my wax container, my cosmetic container under your tv cabinet, my blue gym bag and shirts in the closet) and the $15 for the bus ticket too.

Please leave my things in my lobby Tuesday.

You can go into my audix & let me know what time you will leave my things so I can get them. You can call xxx and leave me a message if you don’t want to talk to me. (It takes about a minute for my voice to come on)

Is this the same time, same station as last time? Is this a replay of a year ago? You distance yourself completely? If it is - have a great life.

I had every reason to think it was going to be different this time - because it was different.

Do you have issues?

Are you afraid? It’s not nice to leave people hanging. A courtesy phone call is always appreciated.

October 21, 2002
11:24 am
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costy
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Dear sgS ,
Please do not enter between our threads & as we already having a flow of discussions .kindly post seperate thread alltogather.thank u

October 21, 2002
2:53 pm
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Alena
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Costy,
May I ask how old you are? Your wife is 26, has a good job as an assistant research scientist? I suggest that maybe what you are seeing in her as immaturity is really just normal behavior in her period of adjustment. As we've all stated, you are both under alot of pressure here in the new country, new relationship, new jobs. And possibly she is crying and not eating because of depression.

Perhaps you could just ask her to see a doctor, get a good check up, if the doctor thinks she needs vitamins or a better diet, leave it up to the doctor. But, for sure, I would back off of your wife and let give her time to adjust. You may be just adding to her stress by thinking she is childish, immature, and not eating properly. Really, Costy, 2 months is hardly enough time to judge whether she is hopelessly childish or not....*grin*....what you may see as immature may just be an inablility to express how she is really feeling at the moment. Ask her to see a physician and go from there....good luck.

October 21, 2002
10:42 pm
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Ladeska
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Sounds like she needs friends here in the U.S. who are "like her" and can empathize with how hard it is here in the U.S. when you are from another culture. The woman needs to have her own support group more than anything and you need to stop trying to "fix" her. She has her own mind, knows her own body and needs to seek help that comes from her and not from someone trying to make her hurry up and feel better or read or listen to this and that. A strong-willed person will only crawl deeper into their hole because she needs to be understood more than anything....not fixed. Give her some space, maybe make way for her to meet some new friends of her own culture, religion, country, etc. And you might need to examine why you want her to be this and that and be real sure - it's not because you want her to be the wife you'd always envisioned you should have. She will resist that and want you to see - the real her, not who you want to make her become. Flowers need space and light in order to grow. Her food issues also seem to be a form of control, she's resisting something....and most of the time it might be because she feels like she's not being heard or understood and food has become a weapon she wields to "make a statement". Marriage isn't about her becoming a good little girl and all of a sudden adjusting to ALOT of things at once and becoming the model wife in record time. It's about - living life with a partner who gives her the space to breath and figure some things out for herself so that she may join you at some point in a fashion that says - I am whole and I am responsible for myself. As Kahlil Gibran so magnificently points out in The Prophet - you drink the same wine, but not from the same cup and you are like pillars that hold up the temple, but you do not stand in one another's shadow.

October 22, 2002
3:27 am
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Squeezles
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Was she forced into this marriage? Did she want to get married? Did she want to leave India? Did she want to go to the US? Is she bitter that she had to give up her family, friends, job, culture etc just because you want to live and work in the US? Did she get a say in any of the proceedings? It seems to me that everything that she has known has been taken away from her in one foul swoop - she's had to readjust to everything and telling her that she is acting 'childish' isn't going to help her. She is acting this way for a REASON! Find out what it is and then you can work on trying to fix it. Help her connect with her own people and culture. Most nationalities in a multi-cultural society tend to have their 'communities' where they can maintain their own customs and cultures and support one another. Try and encourage her to join some kind of group with this focus. Is she allowed to ring/write to her family back home? She's probably desparately lonely and homesick and cutting her off from her family is the last thing she needs.

If you are concerned for her health, encourage her to go to a doctor. Take her shopping and encourage her to pick out foods that SHE likes. It's not imperative for her to drink milk. Maybe she just doesn't like it? Maybe the taste is different to what she was used to in India? Water or juice are still acceptable and good things to drink.

It sort of sounds to me that you are trying to make her 'American' while at the saem time you're trying to make her deny she is 'Indian'. It's only been 2 months. Have you lived in America before the marriage? If so, how long did it take you to adjust to the new culture? Give her the same courtesy. If you have only recently moved too, just be aware that people adjust and react to things differently.

October 22, 2002
4:48 am
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I have moved about 56 times in 30 or so years. My personal experience is that it will take about 6 months to BEGIN to feel comfortable in a different town in my own country. Moving to a foreign country took me a year.

It isn't language differences but culture, different food, different work hours, different recreational things to do. I needed to become accustomed to all these things and it took me a little while. Although I understood intellectually, emotionally I could only do it in my own time.

My husband at that time wasn't very helpful at all, he just kept on telling me I should pull myself together and find some interests. My thoughts were, I'd moved away from my family, given up my full time job, my pets, my house, my friends to support him but I didn't feel he was supporting me as well as he could or should.

Yes, I made friends with other Brits but frankly, they weren't people I would have wanted to be friends with 'back home'. It took me two years to get to the stage where I felt comfortable - and feeling comfortable involved things like being able to say hello to someone I recognised in the supermarket or walking down the road.

I made friends with local people but it took time and I think perhaps your wife needs more than just two months! It always seemed to me that the men lost themselves in their jobs and so they didn't mind too much where they were, but the women struggled a lot because they seemed to need a group of women to interact with - much as they do all over the world whether it be by camp fires outside a tent or in the beauty parlour.

Please don't push your wife into running when she's only just learning to stand!

October 22, 2002
10:57 am
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costy
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Dear everybody ,
U guys have given effective advises to me.As sqeezeles has mentioned to me,I would like to tell that my wife is academically bright person.She has been a top scoreer in her bachleors & masters degree in biochemistry.I was when we got engaged I persuaded her to take up her profession in Research which she had dropped after doing masters 3 yrs back.After we met I pesuaded her to complete of what she had left.She was totally derailed in her career & was working as diet counsellor in a health clinic.This job had nothing to do with her masters in biochemistry. I helped her in getting a job in USA.In India research does not have a major say.earlier she gave up her career in biochemistry only that required a lot of time & Patience to do a PHd& she does not feels like stressing or working hard for that.She still has a scary picture of doing phd.she still thinks of an easy going job.She is more focused in having a personal life & spending time with me rather than a professinal growth.She is bright & intelligent & doesn't realises how well she could do.which I even would be proud of.she was never forced for the marrige.Her parents never wanted her be away in a foreign country.But believe I wanted her to grow not get deraliled after studying biochemistry for 5 yrs.I wanted her to utilize of what ever she has learned.She calls her parents every week.She has a Say but in career issues i donot want her to go down. i truly love her & would promote her for well being.her father was even intrested for persuaing her for phd, but she never listened & gave up 5 yrs ago.I could understand thatshe has come up leaving her family, but at the same time one should not get into conservative sentiments & realise that god has given me a wonderful oppurtunity to excel in life.

October 22, 2002
2:54 pm
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artist 2
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Hey Costly...?

I had to grow up too. The only way I could do that is first: to feel accepted (this means accept her tears and her lack of appitite), second: to feel nurtured (by accepting you begin to make her feel nurtured-how about cooking something healthy for her?), and third: to feel wanted (make love to her and never let her go!). You give all those things to your wife, and your irritations will cease!

She wants to feel safe here alone in the US. She is alone away from her family - no? Start by making her feel safe, give her a good home.

Good luck!

October 22, 2002
3:17 pm
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Cici
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Hi Costy,

My Mum moved to American from Vietnam when she married my Dad, and when I was younger, Mum paid to have her whole family brought over to the U.S., and they lived with us for a while after they moved in order to save money to attend a university.

I noticed that amogst them, there was a long period of adjustment - my grandmother still wants to move back to Vietnam and she's lived here since 1989!

It is a combination of culture shock, and grieiving over the loss of your past life and the loss of what is familiar to you. Men and women get satisfaction from different things in their lives - men more often feel happiness when they excel at work and make good money. Women, on the other hand, tend to put more value on family and friends, which I think is pretty much to be expected.

So, although it might make sense to you that she throw herself into her career, there are other things that she needs that are just as important - friends to talk to, a supportive relaitonship with her husband, that kind of thing. It's just that men and women are different, and find enjoyment in different types of things.

It just takes time. It took a while for me to adjust to being married, I'd have to say (if I had to make an estaimte) - at least 6 months or so. And the more you pressure her to behave in a way that you find appropriate, the slower the progress will probably be.

I suppose, in summation, that there isn't a shortcut to "making someone act happy". It happens when the authentic feeling is there, and at no other time.

October 23, 2002
2:39 am
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Squeezles
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Costy...Don't get me wrong, you sound very sincere and seem to care about her feelings - you are here after all trying to find a way to help her, but I'm somewhat bothered by your constant 'push' for her career wise. Why is that? Why is it important to YOU? Is her having a career going to give you some prestige that you think you want? Is it a financial incentive? Why don't you let her decide what SHE wants to do? You've already decided for her that she is to live in the US (in one of your posts you made some comment about how you want a career here and how you are "rigid with the fact to estalish myself here"). See to me that says that YOU yourself are happy because you are doing what YOU want - she's not happy because she's not doing what SHE wants. Granted marriage is about compromise etc it just seems that she is being forced to do things she really doesn't want to accept.
If she has a job and she's happy with that job why are you trying to insist she has another career? Encouragement is great, but one should be happy with what the work that they are doing since most people spend more time at work than at home.

I'm not sure of your background or the entire situation- but you seem disappointed that she's dropped out of a PhD (or has she completed it? I got a little confused in your post). Do you have a PhD? A PhD is hard work!! I'm doing a PhD and it's hard! You have to really love what you're doing to do it - it's a very big intellectual, financial, emotional committment. To be honest my PhD makes me more depressed than happy. I can't tell you the number of times in the last few years that I've felt like giving in. My boyfriend is under strict instruction to pick me up, dust me off and set me on my feet again when I fall down. I've asked my bf to badger me to finish my PhD because I want to finish my PhD - I would find it really interfering if he kept on at me if I hadn't specifically asked him to. Even now, at times I feel somewhat inadequate and defensive when he tells me that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to or that I'm slacking off or that I should be working harder than I am. Whilst he might be right and doing it for my own interests he doesn't understand what I'm going through so I don't really feel that he has the right to dictate to me. Do you see what I mean? I've known my bf for two years and I love him to death but I wouldn't tolerate him dictating to me what I do with my career. It is MY life. This is the path I'VE chosen. Encouragement is good, don't get me wrong, but ultimately career is an individual choice. If she seeks your support or advice than give it to her, but other than that leave her be. So what if she doesn't 'fulfil her full potential' - according to whom anyway? You need to have some boundaries where someone can offer you support but if it's getting too much you can tell them to leavee you alone. I mean, does she try to influence your career? No? Then give her the same courtesy.

You sound very caring, I just think you need to back off and let her explore WHO she is - let her find out what makes her happy.
She recently got married - to someone she probably doesn't really know very well and you seem to think the fact that she wants to focus on her 'personal life and spending time with you' is a BAD thing? I don't get that. Relax and enjoy your wife.

October 23, 2002
10:17 am
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costy
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Dear Sqeezles ,
i believe u are right saying that I should not force her to do Phd.Fine!
I a nut shell from all the points what i have derived from entire threads & all discussion above is :

1.To give her sufficient time to adjust.
2. Love & support.

3. let her make some friends from similar culture & community.
4. Do not force her in career issues.
Anything which u could add to these points after reading all threads.?

I would also like to add that she is possesive about me.Even if I hug my aunt or grand maa first ,she makes a face & says that she never happened to me my first preference.She never thinks that I have added her to my life where as my relation to my aunt or grand ma is diffrent.

October 23, 2002
11:04 am
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Cici
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Well, another thing I can add is - think of you and your wife as a team.

It's not about you adding her to your life, or her adding you to her life - it's about starting a new life together. As a team - when you have children later on this will be of great assistance to you.

I guess in America we have different attitudes about marriage and family. The couple starts a new unit together, and so the wife comes first for the husband (over her family, her father, etc.) - in the same token, wife should come first for husband (over his family, mother, etc.).

October 23, 2002
8:25 pm
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Squeezles
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Costy - yeah basically. Maybe you should sit down with her and ask her what will make her happy (within reason) and ask her how you can achieve it. She is maybe a little insecure, if she is anxious about you spending time/hugging your grandma, but I dare say that is because she is a new wife and wants her time with you. I'm sure that is difficult for you. You're both just getting used to the new life you have created - it is a transition time for the both of you. Work at making a secure, loving environment and within time I'm sure everything will work out for the best. Good luck.

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