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Relationship Connection - Electric or Stable?
July 29, 2004
10:38 pm
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Bianca
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So here's something I've been wondering for a while...

With my ex-husband I had an amazing connection. He just "got" me, was in tune with what I was thinking, and we just clicked together. Of course, he was passive-aggressive, hid his emotions from me until it was too late, had an affair, and we divorced.

But I still think of it as an amazing connection, because it was so intense and incredible.

With my current guy (recovering codependent) we have never had an amazing connection. We have had an okay connection, but never an amazing electrifying connection. Yet our relationship is more stable, more solid, and more trusting then my relationship with my ex ever was.

Do you think a healthy relationship needs to have that amazing electric connection, where both people just "get" the other person and their thoughts are very in tune?

I am really wanting that electric connection, and feel like maybe that's a problem with my current relationship. But solid is better then wild, especially in a long term relationship.

And I'm also wondering - it kinda seemed, at least for those two weeks before his relapse into codependency, that his ability to "get" me is improving as his codependency is decreasing. I wonder if some of the mothering/ smothering/ caretaking qualities were getting in the way of his ability to be in tune with me.

hmmm... thoughts anyone?

July 30, 2004
12:26 am
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balancesekr
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Bianca,

You may be right about this...

"I wonder if some of the mothering/ smothering/ caretaking qualities were getting in the way of his ability to be in tune with me."

Often we see things from the same viewpoint, we don't look at something from different angles, perhaps you can have that electric connection with your current beau but in a different way!

Besides, most of the time that electricity is all there is, there is no substance behind it, just disappointment, at least that's what I've experienced, you've got to love the person for who they are, not what they do to you 😉 Although, that is important also.

(((HUGS)))
Balance

July 30, 2004
4:06 pm
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CAMER
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I myself always like the "bad boys" but just like electricty too much and you do get "burned"....sticking with stabliltiy is far better than knowing when you will get shocked with the *electricity*!!

July 30, 2004
6:26 pm
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fairy99
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I have a friend in my life like that, and we have oftentalked about why we didn't get married all those years ago when we first met. He gets me alot more than my husband does, we even finish each others sentences, it's crazy at how connected we are. I know my life would have been so different had we gotten together. I know both of us wouldn't have had all the failed relationships we have had. I agree with Camer about the electricity, you may spark the wrong kind. Good luck.

July 31, 2004
12:41 pm
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sixfootblonde
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camer is right on. electricity is amazing and mind blowing and all that good physical stuff. but stability is the thing you can anchor a life to.

July 31, 2004
1:13 pm
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Flip
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I know what you all mean by "electricity!"

Isn't it really like meeting anyone and going through a HONEYMOON period? Eventually that intensity and thrill wears off and you're left with each other.

I agree that stability and balance are so important in relationships with anyone. But with intimate relationships that take TWO who want to build on being together, there always seems to be a time when the honeymoon seems over.

But know what? You've become best friends and companions. And sometimes when someone is rejected when a partner wants to be intimate sexually they feel unloved.

I guess some people are able to use that "electric" excitement of sex continuously throughout a relationship as their form of communication. I respect that, although for me, any argument with someone does not make me hot! Ha.
(But amazingly some like it hot when they are angry or upset...)

Somehow I learned that the thrill is there when someone you love just "touches" you physically. Or lets you touch them. With any part of your body or even a fingertip!
A little touch can say how much you love each other sometimes a lot more than just a f... (oh, are there rules about swear words in this room???)

Well to each his own. But the important part is to be a kid, be a parent, and be adults with each other. And if you cannot balance these things with one person, I guess you find them in various people in your life.

Huh?

Smiles.

Flip

August 4, 2004
11:32 am
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freeatlast
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Wow, so much of this sounds like my own relationship. I have had that connection, just overwhelming and feeling as if it is too good to be true. After 7 years and one break up and getting back together, the connection is still as intense as ever. We are best friends, we like and love each other, but I have trusting issues and get very jealous even when to her it seems I have no reason to be. Is this a healthy relationship or just a perverse connection? I am still trying to figure that out.

August 4, 2004
11:35 am
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babysteps
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Freeatlast,

I think it can be a healthy one as long as both you love each other and not the "idea" of each other. I know sometimes I easily fall for the "idea" of who I think someone is.

Perhaps if you work on your trust issues and jealousy, this relationship can be healthier than it is. Have you looked into speaking with a therapist? It might help you to have an unbiased professional opinion.

Baby Steps

August 4, 2004
12:41 pm
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workinonit
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I love the proverbial bad boys. I wish I could get interested in someone more mundane , stable etc but why change now?

My ex was exactly the way flip described, "Somehow I learned that the thrill is there when someone you love just "touches" you physically. Or lets you touch them. With any part of your body or even a fingertip! A little touch can say how much you love each other sometimes a lot more than just a f... " OK no swear words here either LOL

But he couldn't cut the communication part. He allowed his passive aggressive style to get in the waqy of what was potentially an awesome relationship. Damn, I still miss him and that touch.........

Don't even want to think about it with someone else yet.

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