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Relationship Advice
December 10, 2001
2:54 pm
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Scoripo
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September 27, 2010
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My partner and I are trying to rebuild our relationship of almost 2 years. We lived together a little over a year and then I moved out when things weren't working out.

She has lots of friends who we hung out with. I have never really established friends myself within this community - just always had friends of my partners.

Anyway, during the bad times in our relationship she talked to almost all of the friends and told things we were having problems with. I have never talked to any of them one-on-one, I have dealt with everything myself, it's been very hard. I have resentment for some of the people, we'll call them her friends, who have made little nasty comments, I've overheard, because they are people my g/f really didn't like until I talked with her about their intentions. Of course the "friend" doesn't know this. I have been hurt because I thought these people were my friends but I don't think that anymore. I am still cordial with them when I see them, but I no longer consider them friends of mine.

My dilemna is that one of these people have a b-day party this weekend, that I only know about because I saw it on my g/f's calendar. I don't know if I'm invited or my g/f has overlooked telling me. Should I ask her or should I just not care? I'm going to be very hurt if my g/f goes and I'm not invited.

One of the issues we've had in trying to start over is her going out to the bars with her friends but I'm not allowed to because, since I don't have friends, (these are my girlfriend's exact words) I would be just looking for somebody to hook up with. I don't think it should be okay for her to go but not me.

I am going to join a group this week in the community for codependncy and I'm hoping I can make like-minded friends.

Thanks and any advice would be appreciated.

December 10, 2001
3:02 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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I always suggest the book relationship rescue by Phil McGraw. She sounds like she is in controll some what over this relationship, and it could use some respect for your feelings. The first thing I would demand, is that she not air your issues, like gossip, it does no good. Women do that sometimes to get validation, and fuel for the fire, but it only enables the problems, with out addressing the issues with the person who is responsible. If the birthday party is a girls night out, it would make sense why she hasn't invited you, but to go out on a regular basis for drinks with the girls is not acceptable in a relationship that you are trying to restore. Get out to the gym, meet some friends, go to coffee houses, hook up as she says is your ultimate intention, but with friends of your own. Its impossible to rebuild if your trust is threatened, or your being dictated to what to do, or how she sees the relationship, with out hearing you. Sounds sorta selfish.

December 10, 2001
6:15 pm
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gingerleigh
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"Focus on you". This gets said a lot, and it kind of loses its potency, but the phrase is right on the money. How do you feel about yourself? Do you have your own social circle that doesn't include her? Do you have your own hobbies? If she isn't around, are you able to pursue interests? Do you like spending time in your own company? You are focusing on rebuilding your relationship... what about rebuilding yourself, your self worth, your self esteem?

You mention that you've never really established yourself, and since you bring it up, I suspect that this bugs you on some level. Why not work on establishing yourself first, and then on rebuilding the relationship?

*smile*

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