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Relationship Advice Wanted...
January 3, 2007
11:47 am
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single
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I have been with my bf now for a year and 4 months. We love and care for each other, he helps me with my daughter and my house, etc.

But there are a few issues. His job requires him to travel two weeks out of the month to Miami and different places in Florida. He also has gambling issues, financial issues, and I have caught him on a few black online dating sites in the past as well as black porn sites. My bf is white and I am not Black, I am Hawaiian-Asian.

I have serious abandonment issues being left by my mother at a very young age and also by my daughter's father when I was 6 months pregnant.

I want to have a family (at least another baby) since I feel as though my family was stolen from me, but I don't think that my bf is the one long term with these issues.

I want to see where this relationship goes but I am very afraid that he will end up leaving me for a black woman since I am not black. I am so afraid of this that I started taking Paxil to calm my anxieties.

My question would be, do I continue with this relationship and take that chance, or do I end it knowing that I deserve better based on the facts alone?

HELP!

January 3, 2007
12:02 pm
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Anonymous
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Pornography can be very addictive and change men's perception and their thoughts about the value of women if they get into deep with it.

As is gambling....ummm...if he isn't getting help for this stuff then...I wouldn't want to be with him.

There is Gamblers Anonymous:

http://www.gamblersanonymous.o.....tions.html

Maybe a personal therapist for the sex issuse?

It is hard to trust an addict because they will sometimes lie to keep it up....I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone traveling away for 2 week periods with these problems...yikes.

You deserve better...but the choice always has to be yours in the end.

January 3, 2007
12:05 pm
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atalose
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what was his reaction when you caught him on the dating and porn site?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 3, 2007
12:06 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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if you don't feel that your BF is the one long term, then don't waste your time with him.

if your gut says this is not the right guy, then why be with him?

trust your gut.

even without the abandonment issues and him looking at porn sites...if he is financially irresponsible and travels too much, how will he make a responsible partner to further your family with?

because you want a family and a resemblance of a family structure, he doesn't sound like the one.

ADD IN his gambling and financial difficulties, AND his obvious porn addiction, I think you already realize the answer.

It's hard to walk away, especially if you have abandonment issues...I know, I am just like you.

But, I am now 35 and am "running out of time"...and realize I wasted valuable time with guys who were OBVIOUSLY not "the one"...tho at the time, I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt and "see how it turns out".

Don't waste your time...if he isn't the one after 16 months, chances are, he isn't going to be the one in another 16 months.

Now - BEFORE you jump into another relationship, I serious suggest some counseling, to help you learn to spot guys who are trouble, and to gain some self esteem and work on your abandonment issues.

they say "hungry shoppers are the worst shoppers"...and if you have abandonment issues, it makes you "needy" looking which makes you a target for guys who will use you...and makes you eager to settle for the first guy who gives you attention and promises you the world.

So, work on yourself, so you are strong and confident and find a better choice for a mate...instead of kissing alot of frogs, praying to get lucky along the way.

January 3, 2007
12:47 pm
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Hi single,

I am interested in you answer to atalose's question. Also, you say he "helps you with your daughter". How old is she? Do you see him being a stepdad for her and a good father figure as she grows up? You are not just single, you are a mom.... lots more responsibility there to consider when choosing a mate.

There's a quotation that sometimes appears at the top of this page when you log on, to the effect that advice is what we seek when we already know the answer but don't want to know it.... does that fit for you?

January 3, 2007
1:06 pm
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taj64
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I think you alrealdy know that this relationship is not good for you. He does not sound like he is into you or loving as caring as you say. He on on dating site. He is interested. Sounds like he might want both of you and it does not appear that is what you want. You want stability, and family life. Whether or not your past is abandonment or not, your wants and needs are valid. I doubt sincerely this man is capable of giving you what you desire. You have quite a few facts right in front of you, one that he travels quite a bit and when you start to nestle into a family you are going to be left high and dry for all the responsilibities, not to mention a long distance type relationship. Basically you are settling something less than what you want. It does not matter the color of any skin or other woman's skin, he will leave if he does not want to be with you. Having abandonment issues is what is causing you to be fearful of him leaving but unfortuantely you don't have control over his feelings and what he is doing. YOu can only control yourself. So if you not happy with the way things are now then it is likely they will not get better based on his lifestyle. His lifestyle is different than yours. I'd say you will could end up in a healthier relationship, a more family type man that has the same goals as you do if you work on yourself and also recover from a possible breakup. Breakups are the worst yet they open the door for something else. Besides do you really want this guy as a father? He doesnt seem like a father figure type.

January 3, 2007
4:30 pm
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single
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Thank you for all the feedback, I really appreciate it. My bf has 3 kids of his own and my daughter (13yrs old) gets along with my bf and his kids. He is a really good father to his kids and tries to give them everything they need.

However, his lifestyle is inconsistent w/ his traveling. His reaction to the porn and on line dating sites were that they were old profiles and they are from the past before he met me.

At best our relationship is like we're best friends, always together and always enjoying each other's company. We hardly fight. Which is alright for now... but I am looking down the road at a long term relationship....

The facts do not look good.

January 3, 2007
8:28 pm
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missfixit
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You can tell if the sites are old or not by the "last date signed on". If they are old, you will know it.

January 3, 2007
10:19 pm
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truthBtold
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Single,

I think that you already know the answer. Risingfromtheashes addressed some important points.

In your words.....simply end it knowing that you deserve better...is pretty much the bottom line and just chalk this one up to experience hon.

Don't waste anymore of your precious time.

You DO DESERVE better....(but you already knew that!!!!)

((((((((TBT)))))))

January 3, 2007
10:43 pm
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NAZZDACK
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Does he cheat on you? Does he mistreat you? Beat you? Mentally abuse you? How does he treat your kids?

I seriously think there is more here than what you are you telling. So far the only issue I see you should be helping him with is overcoming his gambling addiction, assuming this is a problem where he is going into debt over this.

He works and goes out of town, maybe that is when he watches the porn? As a guy a see no problem with porn unless it affects our sex life and/or addiction.

What exactly do you think you deserve by the way? How would your your feeling towards this other guy be altered if he was suddenly promoted and was pulling 450K a year? Could you deal with those issues then?

January 5, 2007
3:47 pm
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totosrubyred
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IF YOU HAD TO ASK!!!! I have learned that if I have to ask I am looking for others to make it OK for me to play a game I cannot win. When I am honest with myself (usually after I am in deep and hurting) I can admit that if I feel I need to ask others what is best for me it is because I am looking for excuses, enabling me to do what I know is not in my best interest. So IF you have to ask figure out why you are asking because you evidently are not comfortable with the situation, be strong talk to him about your boundries on the subject and if he cannot respect them.... do what is best for you!

January 5, 2007
4:14 pm
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chelle08
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TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!! ITS ALWAYS HARD TO LEAVE,IT GETS EVEN HARDER THE LONGER YOU STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP. IF HE HAS ADDICTION ISSUES,YOU CANT FIX HIM.ONLY HE CAN HELP HIMSELF.SPEND YOUR TIME WORKING ON YOU AND BEING THERE FOR YOUR CHILD.GOOD LUCK!!

January 15, 2007
7:00 am
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theater07
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Me and my finance has been together for approximately 2 years now. I usually do porn and stuff like that (admitting the truth.) My finance asked me, "Are you still doing pornography online?" At first slightness I lied for guilt, but it didn't work out. Why? She looks at me dead in the eyes (1 on 1). I asked her, "why are you staring at me like that." She said, "Could you please be honest with me? I check the internet and found out you still doing porn. She should me pictures of the sites and the women value that was interesting in.

Eventually, I was chock and didn't reply. Therefore, she became angry and hot minded. She gave me a second warning of not doing that again or she will dump me.

Since she found the evidence; she think her body is not good enough for me. That is why I'm so choke but won't do that again before she goes crazy.

My advice is finding the evidence and question your boyfriend.

Test on his mind and see if he's telling you the truth.

If he tells false stories; you should busted him by showing evidence and also ask him about those females in Florida which u have the right of knowing the full truth since you busted him.

At final, you can decide on given him a second chance or get rid of him.

It's your choice of securing your life from HIV/AIDS. Take care.

January 15, 2007
7:02 am
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theater07
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Me and my finance has been together for approximately 2 years now. I usually do porn and stuff like that (admitting the truth.) My finance asked me, "Are you still doing pornography online?" At first slightness I lied for guilt, but it didn't work out. Why? She looks at me dead in the eyes (1 on 1). I asked her, "why are you staring at me like that." She said, "Could you please be honest with me? I check the internet and found out you still doing porn. She should me pictures of the sites and the women value that was interesting in.

Eventually, I was chock and didn't reply. Therefore, she became angry and hot minded. She gave me a second warning of not doing that again or she will dump me.

Since she found the evidence; she think her body is not good enough for me. That is why I'm so choke but won't do that again before she goes crazy.

My advice is finding the evidence and question your boyfriend.

Test on his mind and see if he's telling you the truth.

If he tells false stories; you showed busted him by showing evidence and also ask him about those females in Florida which u have the right of knowing the full truth since you busted him.

At final, you can decide on given him a second chance or get rid of him.

It's your choice of securing your life from HIV/AIDS. Take care.

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