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relapse-suzie Q
May 27, 2009
5:30 pm
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suzieQ_85
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September 30, 2010
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oooooh no i was doing sooo damn well and now i feel so blue.
i guess i was also in denial about what it has done to me-not wanting to stop and breathe and feel what i was feeling.

and now i do and oh my does it feel shitty.

so i went on the study trip and i was just having a lot on my plate so i had to keep going and to keep my cool and i guess that when i had my little crush it was just my way of keeping it together.
my selfworth was basically non-excistent after what my ex did and said to me, and when there was someone saying i was beautiful and giving me attention it just made me feel good. really good.
i didnt jump into anything, didnt even kiss him but i was getting attached to the emails and texts-it made me happy.

But the thing is, he's sooo young.. he's 19. im 24. he's still a baby you know. But very smart and funny so the emails were great. But then today we met at school, we both had a break between classes and it just basically sucked... i felt very akward and started babbling and i saw him going like: uhhh?? and there was his stupid classmate also going like:uuhhh. and they both basically looked bored with me.

And now i think: oh see my ex was right. i am really worth nothing. im stupid and useless and ugly and uninteresting. he was right! and i just feel so down and so ashamed about babbling today and now the emails wont be there anymore..
they really gave me that jolt of joy you know like: ooooh he's very sweet. they made me laugh in the morning. And now he must be like: oh my she's stupid and boring and superficial.
i didnt even want a new relationship or anything so its not that big of a deal and i didnt like him that much at all but it's the feeling of rejection, of not being good enough that's killing me!!!

help!
🙁

May 27, 2009
10:51 pm
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PreciousG
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Suzie,

I am so sorry that you are struggling. You are not stupid, boring, or ugly. AND YOUR EX WAS NOT RIGHT!!!!! You are worth everything. You, just have to take the time to discover, embrace , and accept your worth. Our worth is not based on what others perception of us but rather it is based on how we see and feel about ourselves. Nobody can give us worth ONLY we can give that to ourselves.

You had some time, some work, new experiences, and new friends to take your mind off of your trouble, feelings ect. Now you are returning to your "normal" life minus a boyfriend and have nothing to distract you from yourself or your emotions.

What you are facing is difficult and will be very painful at times. It is normal not a relapse.What you are experiencing is just part of the process. You did not relapse you are becoming aware of reality and trying to face it. It is normal. Are you still going to therapy? Please, try to continue to see the therapist. I know that if I didn't have my therapist I would have never made it. You need support, guidance, and understanding. Your therapy can give you that and help you to learn how to give these things to yourself.

You are very special and worthy of kindness, understanding, and love from yourself Suzie. Please, be gentle with yourself and take things one day at a time. If you rush this process what you learn along the way will not last and you will not free yourself of the pain that you are experiencing. You will remain stuck. You deserve to be free, to fly, and be able to give yourself reassurance and happiness. Nobody else can give you this only you can TRULY give this to yourself.

You can do this Suzie. I thing that you are doing excellent work. You are being honest and opening up. That is very stressful and frightening Suzie. You are breathing by posting here and sharing your feelings and experiences. I am proud of you.

Talk to your Angels and let them comfort you Suzie, that is what they are there for.

Sorry that I have not responded sooner. I have been extremely busy with moving out. It has been crazy. I have to meet with my nutz'o sister this weekend and again on Monday. It will be crazy. I will not have internet access after tonight. I will not be able to post again until maybe Sunday night or Monday.

Just know that I am thinking of you and believe that you are a strong woman and will make it through this extremely painful time.

((((Suzie)))))

Your Friend,

PreciousG

May 28, 2009
12:53 am
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StronginHim77
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Dear Suzie -

Replacing a relationship with another relationship is not your solution. If you are like me, you are "relationship addicted." In other words, you have to feel connected to a man -- any man -- to feel valuable, worthwhile and whole.

Please, please continue to address your own recovery during this difficult time. Check out CODA meetings. Read about codependency. If you can afford private therapy, go for it.

This young guy was simply a man givingn you attention and meeting your need to feel ratified and accepted by a man. This is not healing. This is a continuation of relationship addiction. I really understand it because I have been in your shoes.

- Ma Strong

May 29, 2009
3:49 pm
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RobynB
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September 27, 2010
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Hey Suzie!

No, hey, you are doing great! You are not worthless! This just wasn't the right guy for you now. In fact, a lot of guys won't be the right guys right now.

I did the same kind of thing; left the abuse, dated around, and every time I got burned I went back to the abuse. Even after he killed himself, I stayed hanging around losers because my self-esteem was bad too.

But in time, it gets stronger. It's not 100% yet for me even now, but it is getting there. And it took time, but you are doing the right stuff.

Have crushes, have friends, enjoy YOURSELF! You are not unlovable. A lot of the guys I "failed" with prior to meeting my current SO seemed like Mr. Perfect, but that's only because I was looking too hard and trying too hard. Later on, when I met my current SO, I was so happy it never worked out with those other guys.

Love ya Suzie! Hang in there!

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