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November 3, 2009
7:00 pm
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rubytuezday
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I did it. I relapsed on two things.

#1 my eating disorder
#2 contacting my ex

I need to recover.

Its so bizarre that when you can be with whoever u want and the only person u want to run into is your ex so he can see how lovely, cool, talented, and amazing u are- what am I some sort of adrenaline junky? I secretly hope to run into him when Im out so he can look at me with that sad nostalgic look. How sick.

Well I made the mistake of drinking too much last night when my best friend took me out and called him from her phone then hung up. Well of course he called and text till he got a response to why she called- and she said it was a mistake she thought she called someone else to cover for me. Well aparently hes got a new great job for an entertainment company and he told he I could give him my headshots and resume to try and get me a gig. So I emailed them him Now he's back in my life temporarily. I think we both know we are not good for eachother- but it still hurts. I'm too senstive for this- I need to learn how to protect myself. I hate it how impulsive I am. Is there a class I can take that will teach me not to be so impulsive?

SOMEONE DISAPLINE ME!!!!!!!!!!

The consequences to my action are heartbreaking. I guess I just wanted to see if he still cared or loved me- cuz I love him still despite all the huge issues.

No wonder I struggle with an eating disorder- I dont have an off switch-

Where it says enough is enough- I just keep taking punches.

I need some new tools again.

The man that I am supposed to be with just got a touring job- and I cant tell him Im still hurt about my ex, because it will just complicate us. The man Im supposed to be with loves me deeply and doesnt cross my boundaries, or yell at me for hours when I do something he doesnt like bcuz hes on a drug.

Bleh I wish I was more resistant to this stuff- its my struggle- its my diabetes- I neglected working at it for a bit at I started traveling down the wrong road again.

November 6, 2009
8:18 am
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atalose
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Ruby, ruby, ruby!!!!

Hi ya and welcome back!! Sorry I didn’t see this thread sooner.

Remember this, repeat it often, especially when that impulse to do something that is NOT part of recovery begins to hit. Pretend you are on fire….because when we find ourselves inviting trouble back into our lives we are.

STOP……….DROP………AND ROLL…….lol before making any decisions.

Ok, so just because he MAY be able to find you employment doesn’t mean that will happenit and certainly doesn't mean you own him anything. Keep it professional as if he’s just another employment agency. Don’t share any personal information with him, don’t have any personal email exchanges……you can be in control of this situation ONLY if you keep it very professional and keep all personal stuff out of it. Control your thoughts and remember YOU have changed, he has not!!!!

Your driving that bus today, dammit!!! not him…… so stay behind the wheel and get back on the right road……..

((ruby))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

November 6, 2009
1:43 pm
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StronginHim77
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Oh Ruby...I am so sorry. Now please quit beating yourself up. And next time you go drinking, leave your cell phone at home. Drunk dialing has gotten ALOT of us into fixes.

What is your eating disorder? I have a thread going about my own (bulimia). Care to share what you are battling?

- Ma Strong

November 7, 2009
12:10 am
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rubytuezday
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Atalose- he probably wont try and get me a job- who really knows. I felt like I needed to get something off my chest- and this is what I said to him- to me it was cathatric, gave boundaries, and was very scincere.

'By the way...

Callie said to me you mentioned something about hoping 'I don't hate you'... never in your mind think that I have ever hated you. There were moments when I was with you, that I wanted to put u in a human slingshot and shoot ur ass to the moon- but I never ever ever hated, nor hate you now.

With all the hardships we endured together on both ends- one thing will always remain very real to me- you were able to win a piece of the irreverant, impulsive, independent, yet very gaurded and selective heart of Candice. As I did a piece of yours- That is a beautiful and timeless thing. Fire and fire is a terribly bright thing, AND terribly dangerous- and we had to figure it out the hard way. BUT thats great because guess what? The easy way is for schlubs. The hard way is filled with lessons, and we are both great students of life for giving it, 'us' a shot. A shit ton of shots.

Lets consider eachother 'life associates.' Skip the bs- we dont need to be butt buddies, penpals, or that stupid fucking term 'ex turned friend' to have that silent and humble respect for eachother. You know that saying: "All is Fair in Love and War"- i believe that saying from the bottom of my soul!

For instance- in our case the way I see it is; we are two captains of two great empires who were once at odds-and both eventually found that each needs to rule their own empire separately, because there was no more room for 2 captains of similar temperment- AND since we are smart captains we have admiration and respect for eachothers space now. Stupid captains spend years hating eachother, and dropping bombs on eachother (like those dumb ex boyfriend/girlfriend couples that try hard to ruin eachother after its over by being mean or trying to make the other jealous, all at an attempt to burn the other)- its useless, when they could be smart and just let it go- rule their own territories.

Your mother regarded us as two hurricanes, the woman is right. Wildly incontainable, yet impactful. Lovers come and go, but only a few win pieces. And the very very very few people that I had once fallen for in my life so far are extraordinary people. Extraordinary, incredible, beautiful, lovely, ridiculous, insane, intelligent, irreverent people. And that is exactly what you are. I'm thrilled you are doing what you are meant to be doing. And I hope that its okay I wrote this to you. I just want you to know that I got your back, and I hope that now that all the dust has cleared u got my back too, and hope you dont 'hate' me either. Why would you- its me I shit cherries Im so adorable. jk I wrote you this letter because I know I didnt tell you what was on my mind as we took our final departure-, being that I am an expert 'flighter'- I just hit the ground running. I owe it to u and myself to chalk it up in writing as one of the greatest most memorable 'wars/lovestories' in my history. 😉 Spain and Germany DEFINES "all is fair in love and war!" 😉 Thank you for everything, I send you much love.

Scincerely,
Captain my name
Co Founder of Gay Bears in the Dirt Incorporated (its an inside joke)
a corporation dualy owned in two seperate but EQUAL empires ;)"

I realize now that I may not ever recieve the same level of scinerity back- but it was my final thoughts on the whole thing. Underneath the drugs, and immaturity is just another human being- and the best way I can move on is see him that way, forgive him, and move on- tell me what u think. He got it today and called me to say thanks. I didnt answer- So I text back with 'ur welcome, it felt like the right thing to do." And that is that. Its the ending of that chapter.

I chose to leave out the drugs, the control and immaturity issues- because its not my problem anymore- he'll figure it out someday.

I guess it was my way of confirming to the universe that I was lucky to at least at one point actually fall in love again- even though it was unlucky love. At least I experienced some good during the whole thing. It wasnt all horrible- a lot was- but I am lucky to have had the good times too. Now its in concrete that it is over- and I can now move on.

Stronginhim- yes its bulimia- 9 year battle- was clean for 2 years now its back and its time to kick its ass. It wont be difficult- its just time to focus.

November 7, 2009
12:20 am
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rubytuezday
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This is what my friend said when I let her read it-

"Brilliant! Just magnificent. It was the classy, upstanding thing to do. So creatively done too. Perhaps it was even a little more than he deserved, lol, but good work Candice. I think it was mutually cathartic. And if he's a big boy, he will feel the same.'

She knows the whole story- She was the first friend of mine to see past his charm, and wit noticing that it wasnt right for me.. there was something missing.

November 10, 2009
9:13 pm
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rubytuezday
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Remembering why it was wrong:
-dangerous highway incident- put my/our life in danger.
-got so hammered he embarrassed me in from of my friends
-him getting ridiculously drunk when we are in another country and I dont know the language
-held me captive when he wasnt okay with something
-got jealous, but when Id get jealous he'd get mad at me
-tried to get me jealous when we werent together anymore
-told me he was bi after i left
-Coked out a lot-
-lied to my face crying

okay good now im giving recognition to why it was completely not okay to be in that relationship. So regardless how much I fell for him, regardless if he is now dating one of my ex friends (duno if he is or isnt) regardless if i miss him terribly sometimes for the good times, I MADE A VERY WISE, HEALTHY, SELF RESPECTING DECISION.

Hopefully the brooding and turning it over and over in my head will little by little go away.

November 10, 2009
10:04 pm
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atalose
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((((((I MADE A VERY WISE, HEALTHY, SELF RESPECTING DECISION.)))))

That about says it all Rudy!!!!!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

November 11, 2009
3:55 pm
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rubytuezday
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Im totally in healing mode now- it took a while- I was masking it with going out, and drinking, and reconnecting with an ex from a long time ago.

Yesterday I went into basketcase mode and did something I NEVER do- I investigated- throw myspace and facebook to see if there was a way I could find out if my old friend and my recent ex are dating. I didnt get any real answers- but it made me feel so crazy. I tossed this around in my head far too many times for it to be normal- it has become my obsession. If it was any other stranger Id be okay with it- but its her and she is my old friend. SOmeone I had respect and admiration for- she was/is everything I am except she laughed at everything he said, and she's far more agreeable than I- like go with the flow. I get upset about it because I had every intention to make that relationship with my ex last- and of course because a class of personalities, amongst all the other issues- we wouldnt work. THey could though.

I think about this so much that even when Im trying to be spiritual and meditate- She pops in my head- becasue she is spiritual, and meditates- and she also practices Wiccan- which is witch stuff, and shes a feminist. Bottom line is I poured my heart out to her about the relationship- and now she is buddies with him-

I guess my fear is losing another ex lover to another ex friend.

I just wish I didnt let her get inside my head the way she did- Its obnoxious. And Im doing it to myself.

My mantra is forgive, let go, forgive, let go, forgive, let go-

But how do you forgive and let go of this when u thought u could trust her, when she has so much info about u and ur past relationship, and still displayed innapropiate behavior- like texting him 'hey baby' while we were still together, and going and having a drink with him after he and I got into a fight, and smoking weed with him when she said that its something that puts the two people in their own little bubble together, and when she wrote a poem about him and his friend?

This all makes me so angry. Shes not a friend anymore, but we were pretty close a while back.

I guess for me if they were to get together- it materializes for me as 'trust NO ONE.'

Even your feminist, spiritual, buddist/wiccan whatever type friends.

It leaves a rock in my stomach.

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