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red flags????
June 10, 2004
10:26 pm
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CAMER
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Ok, just started dating a man who is legally separated and has been for almost 2 years, anyways, my 2 good gal friends hooked me up with this guy, their hubbys are friends with this man, all 6 of us went out to dinner on a date, and this man they fixed me up with told me soooo much, I came to find out he has been doing cocaine in the past year (10x in one year) I guess due to "dealing" with his wife who cheated on him, and he goes to the racetrack 3x per week just for "entertainment", not to win money....And I told him I don't do drugs and don't like them, he told me he cannot promise me he would never do drugs again. I know these are red flags, what I am afraid of is hurting my 2 best friends who hooked me up with this addictive man, they think he is the best guy in the world, they had no idea that he did coke that much and gambled that much, worst part is the man they fixed me up with admitted that my
gal friends hubby even does coke and gambling "alot" too...and she has no idea of this!!!!! I know I am going to end this relationship, but how do I tell my friends the reason why I can't go out with him, when they think he is the "king" and a great guy....they have no idea of what he told me about the drugs, and gambling, and
the hubbys doing drugs also??? pls help!!!
I am getting stronger and getting out of this situation, I just feel like I am stuck cuz my 2 friends think this guy is the greatest!!!

June 10, 2004
10:33 pm
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Zinnie
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It's easy... say it with me - I have had TONS of well meaning friends that set me up with "Dates from Hell" all with men that they liked!

O.K., breathe, say it - "I really appreciate you setting me up with ______. I really liked him, but I don't believe I would be interested in dating him. But, thanks for thinking of me, and I wish him the best."

Smile...

And go.

Z.

June 10, 2004
10:35 pm
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CAMER
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thanks Zinnie!!!! i will do that, and I know they are going to bombard me with questions as to "why" things did not work out.....they just don't know what I know, and I don't want to persue the relationship any further. Thanks hon, for your input!!!!

June 10, 2004
10:39 pm
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gingerleigh
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You don't have to give details if you don't want to, even if they ask. The one that stops 'em cold is "the chemistry just wasn't really there..." And who can argue with chemistry? *grin*

June 10, 2004
10:39 pm
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Anonymous
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Camer there is nothing wrong with honesty I know you don't want to hurt them.. At the same time you are not the one doing drugs and gambling so you aren't doing anything wrong.. And I would guess even if you were honest with them about him you wouldn't have to reveal about thier hubbys unless you felt the need for them to know..
But you aren't doing anything wrong here and niether of are your friends so you should not have to keep secrets. I don't konw if that helps..

June 10, 2004
10:41 pm
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Zinnie
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I answered exactly as Ginger said "he was a nice enough guy, just didn't "click" - that way I did not have to tell them all the WONDERFUL things that their great friend divulged.

Or did... if you really want a laugh - all these years later, I will be glad to tell you of some of my "WONDER DATES" - but I never did tell my friends!

Z.

June 10, 2004
10:45 pm
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Anonymous
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Sorry I am not trying to give out bad advice and didn't have friends hook me up much so I guess I am not the best person to be giving advice out.. šŸ˜‰

June 10, 2004
11:15 pm
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CAMER
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*smiles* Zinnie and gingerleigh....hugs to you all!!! see that is part of my codependency, not wanting to hurt my friends, cuz I know they "think" this man is wonderful, but I know a lil too much about him and don't want to continue.
And yes, "we just did not have the
chemistry to further persue the relationship"...that's all I need to say, and these friends have been life long friends (and unfort. did not know this "man" as well as they thought they did)....oh well, better to end it now, than months down the road, yes, I will be strong and be honest with myself to please me and
not do otherwise to please others!!! thanks gals!!!

June 10, 2004
11:20 pm
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Anonymous
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I do think it is a blessing that you have learned this much about him early on.. People with these kinds of problems tend to be very good at hiding and you could have gotten in so much deeper before you even knew what was going on. Take your friends for example they are married and don't know. I am so glad you know now and can see it and be able to guard yourself against future heartache with this guy.
Camer I have read a lot of what you write and I really like the type of person you are. Keep up the great work you are an inspiration.. šŸ˜‰

June 10, 2004
11:39 pm
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CAMER
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*smiles* thank you so much!!! for all your help and kind words.....and you too are an inspiration to me for pretty much telling me what I kinda already knew but its nice to hear it from others.....I guess with my codependency I sometimes go into a lil' denial and I do need help from
others. Thanks again *smiles* šŸ™‚

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