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February 3, 2005
1:11 am
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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Curious about Phallic... you seem to be in active and healthy recovery...or at least use jargon very effectively.

I am recycling, and looking for a CoDa group in my area, but not coming up with one. (Rather out in the sticks...)

History is long and boring...same old stuff that has created all of us codependents, or variations therof... Sexual abuse by a friend of the family at six, father at seventeen, married an alcoholic, left him for a violently abusive perpetrator, fled for my life...yada,yada,yada.

I'm suddenly realizing that my story is much too long and complicated to tell, and most wouldn't believe it anyway. Suffice it to say, I am struggling mightily. I am married to the most wonderful man in the world, and my codependency has been completely and thoroughly re-activated by proximity to his parents. It took me a while to realize what was going on. His mother is religious to the point of being unhealthy about it, and his father is emotionally unavailable, as well as emotionally abusive toward my husband. To blame it all on them is unfair, as, of course, I had codependency to be recycled, but I am not handling it as well as I would have thought I could. I need to be around recovering codependents, but all I have come up with is non-recovering ones. Yikes.

Anyone out there actively working a 12 step CoDa program?

February 3, 2005
10:09 am
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
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hi and welcome...how about doing things for yourself this time and not worrying about the ones around you??? and setting up some boundaries, by doing things that you need and want to be done & not focusing on being coda with ((his parents??))....you can start by admitting to a higher power that you are helpless over the situation, and turning your world to God. You can practice doing things for yourself, and saying NO to please yourself and not YES to please others...you could read some good Coda books by Melody Beattie. I wish you luck with this, it takes time but every lil bit you give to yourself, the better and stronger you will feel.

February 3, 2005
11:00 am
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you, Camer. I just finished reading Codependent No More for the fourth or fifth time...it's been a while since I last read it. It is helping quite a bit.

I am having trouble with the first step, because I have drawn so far away from God. My reaction to my mother-in-law's religious fanatacism has been to "throw the baby out with the bathwater"...in other words, in order to detach from her craziness, I accidentally detached from everything that had to do with God. So...I'm trying to find my way back to a HEALTHY relationship with Him. The odd thing is...she's really not that pushy, but she is incredibly judgemental and controlling, things that I don't handle well at all. My pastor friend, David, has reassured me that non-fundamentalist Christianity is not based on judgement and fear, and that I might find more acceptance in a UCC church.

I was raised by parents who taught me that God is love, and I believe that to be true. However, my grandparents were Episcopalian, and told my sister and me that we were going to hell because we weren't baptised, and that our parents were bad parents. My sister had terrible nightmares because of this. My grandfather tried to have me exorcised (sp?) when I was ten, telling my parents in front of me that you could tell the devil was in me by my eyes. My original codependency, I'm sure, came from dealing with him, because he was incredibly emotionally abusive toward me, singling me out because I wouldn't be controlled. He was a lieutenant colonel in the army, and expects everyone to jump when he snaps his fingers. I won't, and never have, much to his fury.

Perhaps I am answering my own questions... It always helps me to be able to either talk or write, and I suppose it helps to think someone might be listening.

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