Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Recovery and Relationships
June 9, 2006
3:56 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

a very interesting article.

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/5228/htm
Recovery and Relationships

Many relationships break up when one member of the couple goes into recovery. This happens for a number of reasons.

Problems which were basic to the relationship may have been previously medicated away through the use of chemicals, overwork, or food. Without this addictive medication problems can erupt. Since the couple has not had experienced handling problems before, these differences seem insurmountable, and perhaps they are.

Another reason why couples go into crisis during recovery is that, as long as there was an addiction, everyone knew their role. One person was the addicted, acting out, contrite, messedup one. The other person was the responsible, in control, judgmental, long suffering martyr.

When one person stops becoming the problem, the reason for everyone's unhappiness, then everyone has to adjust. Unfortunately, often what happens is that the responsible, non-addicted one begins to hope that finally she or he will get their needs met. They will finally get the reward they have waited for so long. Their expectations soar. The person newly in recovery can barely get dressed in the morning, let alone meet anyone else's needs. Long buried rage from the long suffering one, and confused rage from the recovering one flare into arguments, and often separation.

But there is hope. Here are ten rules for living together in recovery. They are not guarantees, but they can help both of you find out if you do have a viable relationship, and prevent you from killing each other during that discovery process.

RULE #1 You cannot change anyone else.

Give up thinking that, if only she or he stopped doing this or that, then you would be happy. It is not true. You can do nothing to control, manipulate or coerce another person to acting in a way you think should make you happy. Simply give it up. No blaming.

RULE #2 You can change your behavior.

Your emotions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, all are not really under your control. But your behavior is, and your behavior is all you are really responsible for. Change yourself.

RULE #3 -- Changing your behavior, over time, may lead to a change in attitude.

It is strange how that happens, but some things you thought you could never stand, seem to lose their importance if you stop feeding them by acting on them. Don't lose hope.

RULE #4 -- Both of you must go into recovery.

You are not responsible for anyone else's addiction, but if you want this relationship to have any chance you will have to get specific support. That may mean therapy (couples and individual) and/or support groups. The two of you are going to have to learn new ways to communicate, argue, and problem solve together, and that means you can't do it on your own. Get help.

RULE #5 -- Your childhood wasn't as rosy as you fool yourself into thinking it was.

Everyone learned some dysfunctional ways of relating from their parents. These old beliefs are entrenched, and very hard to change. That is why you need feedback from people other than your partner, or your family. Too often you are reacting just the way your mother or father taught you to react. Learn the truth.

RULE #6 -- You need to learn how to stand up for your truth in a way which will not degrade, humiliate, put down, or attack another person.

You do this by owning all your thoughts, feelings, and reactions as your own, not as something caused by someone else. Don't shame others.

RULE #7 -- Count to twenty before you explode.

Then, just before you let fire, ask yourself if you might not get further with this issue if you didn't first talk it out with a third party, before destroying the planet of your partner. Hold back

RULE #8 -- Try using the phrase "I interpret what you are doing as..." rather than the old stand by, "You make me feel. . . ".

So, "You made me so mad when you slammed the door!" becomes, " I got so mad when you slammed the door because I interpreted that to mean that you were pissed off at me!". Your partner can respond," Yes I was mad at you!", or can respond, " Hey, the wind blew the door closed!" Own your feelings.

RULE #9 -- You have very strong emotions in two circumstances. Either you are being truly, strongly abused by someone else, or you are painting the face of a previous abuser onto the face of the person you are with.

This is called projection and it is the primary cause of divorce. If you are in clear danger, either get away, or at the very least get some professional counseling. But if you are not in real danger, but keep getting furious at every little thing she or he does, entertain the possibility that you are projecting the face of a parent, or old partner onto your present companion. Just entertain the idea that it may not be all their fault. Talk about it with some uninvolved people. Check it out.

RULE #10 -- Take care of your body.

Eat healthy, exercise moderately, soak in a bath, get a massage, be gentle with yourself. This is a highly stressful time for both partners. So don't try to be perfect, just try to be a loving parent to yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

June 9, 2006
5:55 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Garfield,

Thank you once again for providing us with some insightful wisdom and some solid ideas on how to improve our own lives.

Love,
Lolli

June 9, 2006
7:32 pm
Avatar
chinita
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh my gosh that was cool. I needed to hear something like that. Me and my x had a case of a relationship and recovery.

I just couldn't do it anymore and went into treatment with my kids. Now he stayed out there running a muck. He finally found out where I was at and promised to try and seek help, well he checked himself in and only lasted 30 days. I was so dissappointed and hurt but I had to stay focus on my recovery. I did 11 months in treatment which was a big accomplishment in my life. To make the story short he's in prison now.

It sucks because I no he did what he did because of his addiction but I don't think I could ever trust him or forgive him for all the pain and heartache that was caused by all that.

June 10, 2006
12:22 am
Avatar
loveyoutomorrow
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Im really confused,as my ex just got outta jail today and has ben calling all day and i now been clean 355 days just short of a year.we tried doin this together we failed we tried again and again well finally i threw him out and suceeded.He was going to get better too and find me "so he said"well i do know that did not happen as i said he just left jail today.BUT I MUST STAY STRONG.and STAY AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYY.And i need to hear your imput.

June 10, 2006
2:58 am
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lollipop, Chinita & loveyoutomorrow

Thanks for the replies.

Chinita, sorry to hear about your disappointment with your husband.
I now know for a fact that you cannot change another person.

Expectations with a addict can cause major disappointment.

Looks like you are taking care of yourself and the kids. The way to go.

loveyoutomorrow

You are soooooooo right. Stay away from him. You have walked this road over and over with him. You know the outcome.

Garfield

June 10, 2006
6:47 am
Avatar
snowlover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Garfield,

Once again, wonderful reading. I miss you so much. I miss our talks, your words of wisdom , and the smiles you brought to my face.

How are you these days? Is everything going well for you?

Hugs...Snow

June 10, 2006
8:54 am
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks so much (((Garfield))) for the lovely and wise info you provide us with all along!!!

I tried to find that website on the browser but to no avail.

~Ras~

June 10, 2006
2:58 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

s

June 10, 2006
3:08 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

GOSH my whole post has just been deleted, Let me begin again.

Snow

I miss you soo much. I will NEVER forget the 22 Dec last year when you told us about your therapist telling you about Narcissism.

I thought you knew everything about N's and then posted Devalue and Disgard to you. You went in shock. I had ten heartattacks. I worried my ash of over you. This way I also learned, I will never forget it. I was overwelmed and relieved when you responded to the thread. I was sooo worried over you.

It was such a nice time to share all our knowledge about N's with each other. We learned and moved forward,

I hope all is well with you. I wish for you a happy life, Thanks for your reply.

Rasputin

Thanks for your reply. I have not have half the time I usually have on the net. I have been extremely busy. Me and my husband are thinking of emigrating in say 2 or 3 years time. HUGE desition. Or maybe buy a fruit farm in a saver area. Also a HUGE change.

Rasputin

Just google :understanding codependency and you will find the article immediately.

How is life treating you?

Love to all

Garfield

June 10, 2006
4:24 pm
Avatar
snowlover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Garfield,

I AM doing well. Im doing very well in fact. I learned sooooo much from you, Whidbey, Mamac, ladeskas posts, and so many others i cant list right now. Last winter was awful for me in so many ways, but nescessary.

Im away from HIM, I have a wonderful new place, Im happy, Im making new friends, Im enjoying MY time and MY life for maybe the first time.

I felt like a victim for so very long, like I had no choices. Now I know the choice was always mine, I was just afraid to change what had become comfy to me.

These days I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I try to give back all that I have been given, and I work to forgive those who have wronged me.

I couldnt have done any of this without this site, without all these people, and most definitely without YOU Garfield. You saved my life, and I hope so very much that you know that.

Much love and thanks.....Snow

June 11, 2006
7:58 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks (((Garfield))) for the info. I, finally, managed to find that article and it was really enriching and illuminating.

I am doing fine thanks. Had flue lately, but it is subsiding.

How is life treating you?

~Ras~

June 12, 2006
4:03 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Snow

This is the most positive response I have ever seen from you. I can honestly say if I read what you said I see a diiferent Snow.
Please to meet you. He heh

You have changed. Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!

It is the most wonderful feeling to see a change in somebody that you know. You have come a looooooooong way. I am proud of you.

All my love

Rasputin

Hope you are over your flue. The virus here is bad. My daughter has flu as we speak and I did not send her to school today,

I am busy trying to finish therapy. After 2 and a half years I thinks its time to break with my therapist. I cringe if I think about it but I cannot stay in therapy forever.

I will have soooo much more money to spend on myself.

I realised that I am responcible for myself and have to take care of myself. This is hard as I always though of myself as a independent person.

Well, i have learned so much and life has its ups and downs. I am not perfect and I except myself much more for what i am.

Thanks for the reply

All my love

Garfield

June 13, 2006
10:47 pm
Avatar
snowlover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Garfield,

I guess I have changed. Wow, maybe I didnt see it myself until I read your words. Funny how life works out. One day you think your world is ending, and the next day you realize that its YOUR world, and YOU decide who, and whats in it.

Im sure the Aretha Franklin I play almost non-stop hasnt hurt my new empowered attitude any either!!!

All my love,
Snow

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
59
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111006
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38568
Posts: 714295
Newest Members:
nickbor34, finistratbob, Knewhervel, waylanmarx, rydesk, Castano
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information