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Recovering Women: Please Don't Play Too Hard to Get!
December 24, 2005
6:40 pm
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Anonymous
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Seek,

5 & 6 are my favorites.

My, such evil geniuse you have.

It's my guess that you couldn't pull off the bad guy act for two months.

She'd probably see right through it, to the real you, and feel lucky to have such a nice guy.

Who told you women don't respond to nice, gentle dudes? I think they seriously misrepresented the facts.

December 24, 2005
7:09 pm
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kathygy,

"What's so awful about waiting two years to have another serious relationship."

This is what's so awful: My wife and I have been seperated by three states for going on two years now. I spent the first year and a half doing everything I could think of to try to get back together with her. We could make things better than they ever were if we just did certain things we know we should have been doing anyway, and we'd both be happier and better people for it.

But she doesn't want to do this. Practically from the get go, she has told me that she intends to divorce me when she can afford the time and money. Finally, I saw I couldn't make a marriage work by myself and just had to move on.

I've had almost two years already to mourn the loss of my marriage, to weather the repeated buffetings from her refusals to reconcile. In the meantime, I've learned a lot.

I don't have to be in a relationship; none of us have to, but I have a strong desire to start applying the lessons I've learned from my failed first marriage to a second, permanent one. I don't see any reason to wait much longer than after the divorce is final. I don't see what waiting an additional two years after the divorce is final would prove. I think it would just sour me further on women.

December 24, 2005
8:56 pm
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Oops! I just re-read my last post and I made a blunder. My last sentence is "I think it would just sour me further on women."

I didn't mean that. I'm not sour on women now. But if I felt I had to wait unnecessarily to date again, I might get sour on women and find it harder to relate to them when I did start to date again.

December 25, 2005
3:17 am
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hopeinhim
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seekerW,
I think a year would be fabulous - and then definately some pre-marital counseling being very open about what went wrong before.

Have you ever heard of the love languages? Let's see..........there is physcial affection, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and time together (not necessarily focused time - just mere presence). I think it would be great to know your mate's love language. And, even when it is not your own - if you can speak it to her it shows your love even more!

I think my love languages are time together and gifts. Physical affection is not so important - but I love regular sex! But, if somebody wasn't totally into PDA I would not wrinkle up and die!

I want to wait until I am married to have sex, and it is going to be really hard (no pun intended). It is refreshing to hear about a man who has the same goals. That way when one is weak the other can be strong. I did not know men still exsisted today who had this same value - well, I guess I did but it is not mainstream.

Merry Christmas.

Smiles,

Hope

December 25, 2005
3:52 pm
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kathygy
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I'm sorry, seek but nothing you said changes my mind. If I met a man like you and you may be a wonderful man, I would still feel like its soon. it sounds like you still have feelings that you need to work through to me.

I would not risk my heart on a man until it was clear to me that he has totally moved on from his marriage and has no feelings left to resolve.

December 25, 2005
4:30 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi kathygy,

Let me make sure I understand you correctly. You're saying that you'd insist that on waiting 2 years from the time my divorce is final until you would even consider dating me for the first time? Or would you be willing to date me in the interim, but not make any serious commitment to me until 2 years after my divorce?

December 25, 2005
5:13 pm
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hopeinhim,

We concur. Pre-marital counseling would be good -- I'd also insist on absolute honesty from both myself and her, if she had been previously married. Heck, maybe I'd even subpoena my stbxw and her ex so we'd be sure to have the full story! :o)

Yes, keeping sex within marriage isn't very mainstream, is it? I'm glad to hear you're of the same belief on this. I've been amazed to learn from this site how non-mainstream that idea is. I really had no idea before I got on this site.

My love language is time together and cuddling, not necessarily leading to sex. Sitting on the couch side by side, arm in arm, watching a good video together (and getting up every few minutes to check on the kids, of course!). Or her sitting on one chair, knitting, me sitting on another chair reading and rubbing her feet that are on my lap -- what could possibly beat this? It doesn't take much to make me happy.

By the way, what's PDA? I don't think I've even heard the term.

I have to run now to my ex-sister-in-law's house. I'll talk to you some more later on. Merry Christmas to you, too!

seekerw

December 25, 2005
11:22 pm
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hopeinhim,

One more thing I didn't have time for earlier. I like giving gifts, but don't need to get them in return. It's fun shopping for or making something I think she'd like. One thing I particularly like is setting up treasure hunts in the house, with various clues leading to the present at the end. It also gives me a chance to hone my poetry skills.

Man, I'm getting melancholy just writing this. I've got to go do something else right now.

December 25, 2005
11:55 pm
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bonita1
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hi seeker!!

Merry Christmas! How are you? Did you survive the holidays ok??

PDA - I think that refers to Public Displays of Affection (i have seen the term on internet dating sites).

~~bonbon

December 26, 2005
1:45 am
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hopeinhim
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Yes bonitta - "Public Display of Affection" is the correct definition!

seekerW - I guess ultimately go with the grain of God's will instead of against it.

When I am in turmoil about a partner in my future I remember that he has plans to prosper me. I just have bucked in the past and gotten inpatient - and sinned quite frankly.

Well wishes this Christmas!

Smiles,

Hope

December 26, 2005
2:02 am
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Matteo
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hopeinhim,

Would you please explainthis to me: "Physical affection is not so important - but I love regular sex! "? So what is sex? Not physical affection??

seekerw,

Do you honestly believe in what you've written "Sitting on the couch side by side, arm in arm, watching a good video together (and getting up every few minutes to check on the kids, of course!). Or her sitting on one chair, knitting , me sitting on another chair reading and rubbing her feet that are on my lap -- what could possibly beat this?"

That scenario would be extremely frustrating to me...do you really think that nothing can beat knitting, feet rubbing and video watching...?

Well, different strokes for different folks, they say?

December 26, 2005
9:54 am
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matteo,

You wrote: {Do you honestly believe in what you've written ... what could possibly beat this?"}

There are a few more things I could add: walking arm-in-arm in the moonlight, picnicking beside a stream, talking with friends together, baking cookies with your children, etc.

Sure, these things might lead to sex; they might not. If so, I'd welcome it; if not, I'd still value the time we'd spent together. What are you driving at? Why would these be "extremely frustrating" to you? And why did you bold the word "knitting" -- does it seem sexist to you? I meant whatever she might choose to do while sitting in her chair.

I get the impression that I rub you the wrong way. I've seen posts you've made to others that strike me as kind and caring, but none of yours to me have been in this vein. Do you care to comment on this?

December 26, 2005
10:00 am
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hopeinhim,

Yes, I, too, do not always jump to do the Lord's will. I'm too much like Jonah, and sometimes run away before deciding to buckle down and do what I should.

Maybe we can help inspire each other.

December 26, 2005
11:18 am
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bonbon,

Hi. Good to hear from you. Yes, I survived the holiday; thank you for asking. I spoke with my son on the phone, and we had a great chat. They were just leaving the house when I called, so I didn't get to talk with my daughters. I'll call back later.

How was your Christmas? I hope you survived okay.

December 26, 2005
11:37 am
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Seeker..sorry I didnt respond to this thread earlier. I found your original post very amusing and even a little uplifting. I think we all need to stand back from time to time and see the humor in our situations.

My sense of humor is very similiar to yours, so it made me giggle out loud.

And as for the foot-rubbing, knitting, watching a video, it all sounded great to me. I might even try to teach you how to knit if youd let me. I think the point you were making was spending time together not doing anything nescesarrily special would be valued. I find that very attractive.

Snow

December 26, 2005
1:09 pm
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Snow,

It's good to hear from you. I'm glad my post brought you some laughter. That's one of my New Year's Resolutions -- to cause Snow (and everybody else!) to laugh more often.

Thank you for your comments. I'm a huge believer in spending time together, whether you're doing things together or your own things separately. I don't see any other way you can get to know somebody.

I'm reminded of a joke. A father asks his young daughter if she'd rather have quality time or quantity time with him. After explaining the difference between the two, she replies, "I want quality time ... and lots of it!"

I'd like to join your knitting class. I've already got "knit one, pearl two" memorized. What's next?

Take care.

December 26, 2005
1:32 pm
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kasie919
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Seeker:

Ive been reading thru your thread, and your responses and what other people have said...

Ive got to say, Im not really thinking about other realtionships, yes im still married, but I would love to have that love of a life time.
I think if we married young and did not live a full life before marriage, we have kept a part of our life from being free.
What im trying to say, is i went from high school to marriage,it was horrible, i tried to do college, making a happy home, keeping my friends and keeping a man happy at home, all i really got was , saddness, anger, jelousy and resentment, and a very abusive marriage..
I have decided if i ever date again, it will be on my terms and not live in. Im never going to get married(oh yes ive heard the never say never) again. But i think at this point in my life with a 20 year old and a 4 year old, im done, no i dont harbor bitteness towards men but, i want a man of my own who can be honest, compassionate, devoted, god fearing and able to hold a conversation with me for more that 5 minutes and not talk about himself.

if what you have written is able to happen, you would find BARBIE, plastic and fake, now this is my own opinion, not all of us, AVERAGE girls are boring or unsatisfying to men,

If you find anyone out there that doesnt have any kind of issue, you had better marry her ASAP!!

While i got a good giggle out of this thread originally, now its given me time to look at what id look for in a man if i ever chose to date again..

Please dont get offensive and mad, im just stating my point of view.

December 26, 2005
1:51 pm
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snowlover
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Seeker....

Lol...memorizing it is the easy part. I like the enthusiasm though. Thank you for the smile.

I respect the way we can all come together here and express different views and opinions, and most of the time it stays very calm and adult. What a fine group of people at this site.

Snow

December 26, 2005
10:50 pm
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Kasie,

I was thinking of posting you. I'd written something to you on another thread but forgot what thread it was, and was wondering if you'd replied. And here you go posting me! Good.

I'm not mad or offended at all by what you said. I'm glad my post got you thinking. I'm glad you're willing to share your thoughts with me.

No wonder some people have advised me to take my time, not rush into another marriage. Because some marriages are not good and satisfying, as you attest to (and I'm sorry to hear that, by the way), and I might find myself rushing into another unsatisfying one.

I wonder if you had had a more satisfying marriage, if you would have regretted so much that you never took time for yourself before marriage. I'm just speculating, and you don't need to reply.

I'm finding that the number one need of women appears to be able to talk and be listened to. I'm a fairly good listener, so I'm blessed to be able to be of service.

Average girls are good -- I don't want a Barbie. (Funny, my stbxw has told me I'll end up marrying some Barbie, if I can find anybody at all who'll take me -- she used the exact same word that you did!) I'm just afraid an average girl won't want me, is all. I suppose I'll find out in time.

Well, take care, Kasie. Hope you had a great Christmas.

December 26, 2005
10:52 pm
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snowlover,

I can't wait till my first lesson! Is that where I learn how to hold the knitting needles?

Ditto your sentiments about this site. I've enjoyed the friendships I've made here in my short time here.

December 27, 2005
4:03 am
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Seeker,

There's a good book out called, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye."

I would recommend it for you.

Wink *

LL

December 27, 2005
5:29 am
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seeker,

My kids and I had a pretty good Christmas. Financially, I survived okay, although money was & has always been tight.

Some of my "Christmas pasts" have been pretty rough, and some have been downright awful, rotten Christmases. Thank goodness this Christmas was pretty good.

~~bonbon

December 27, 2005
11:12 am
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2alone
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Hi Seeker
I'm getting divorce - been separated a year and a half. I jumped right into dating because I had done the therapy and the changing long before I gave up my marriage. I'm lonely too some days and its hard to think that I may spend the rest of my life this way. Then I flip and think about the abuse I just left (H is a narcissist) and think - why would I want to chance that life again? I'm terrified of making a bad second choice. I hear what you're saying about wanting to find life long love right now - but unfortunately our time table isn't exactly God's timetable. I'm willing to just enjoy the experience of meeting new people and learning that I can be on my own and hopefully very soon I'll find the love of my life...but I won't die if it doesn't happen today.

Know that other people feel the same way as you. And its hard feeling this way. Just know that you are too special to settle .... so don't.
2 alone

December 27, 2005
11:19 am
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kathygy
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seek,

yes, for myself I am not interested in investing anything in a man that is newly divorceed. It depends on the man how long is long enough. But generally if a man still has energy on his ex wife I would consider him not ready for a relationship.

I feel more comfortable the longer the man has been divorceed.

I am not interested in casual dating. So, I am not interested in dating a newly divorceed man and I do consider two years to be fairly newly divorceed.

I'm not saying a relationship can never work out in the long run. It does happen but I am only seeking men who are fully available for a relationship NOW, not down the road.

I see a newly divorceed man as too vulnerable to trust.

December 27, 2005
2:41 pm
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Matteo
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seekerw,

Of course, I do care to comment on this! Would you please refresh my memory in regardss with the posts I responded to you?

The first part - I promise I will answer later on, when I will have more time.

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