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Rebuilding my life
July 9, 2013
7:05 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Ocean Boi,

perhaps you are correct.  Any way you look at it, we cannot change what is happening.

 

One Day

July 9, 2013
10:20 am
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2013ways
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One Day,

No, we have to adjust to the change and work around it. 

 

Ocean Boi

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

July 9, 2013
1:08 pm
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Ocean,

I don't think I follow what you are trying to tell me.  I just wait for it to be dark, do all my chores during the day and try to sleep.  There is nothing to adjust.  Nothing here is ever going to change.  At least not in my lifetime.  Maybe in yours.

 

One Day

July 10, 2013
12:44 am
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2013ways
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One Day,

Nothing is every going to stay the same I guarantee you all things will change. 

Ocean

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

July 10, 2013
8:04 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Whatever you say.  I don't care anymore.

July 10, 2013
1:55 pm
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Are you depressed?

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July 11, 2013
6:28 am
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I heard a podcast yesterday with some new music.  One song said "if the pressure don't get you, drugs will", next it sang "if depression don't get you, drugs will.  I think that leaves out about 20% of the entire population of the world.

It's something more dangerous than just depression with me.  It's apathy mixed with disgust mixed with rancid loathing overall.

I hope this helps you to understand.

 

One Day

July 11, 2013
11:49 am
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One Day,

Dangerous that sounds serious, very serious. Yes I understand.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

July 11, 2013
3:11 pm
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Ocean Boi,

I am so upset that I ended up jogging on the treadmill for 75 minutes.  Nothing seems to help fill the void inside me.  I got the Benedryl like you said & thanks, it did work last night.  I think I just need some kind of real connection in my life.  I know that out of all the people I speak with, you are the one that is going to understand how I am feeling.  Still I can't fix you & you can't fix me. 

 

One day

July 11, 2013
5:45 pm
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One Day,

I am very impressed with the work out that you did on the treadmill. I can't argue the fact that the key to happiness  is having successful relationships. I am pleased that the benedryl has provided you with some relief so you can get your rest. The only person who can fix us is ourself. I do appreciate the support you have given me. I feel a great comfort in knowing that I can come here every day and be able to read what you have written. I do understand how you feel.

Ocean Boi

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

July 12, 2013
4:53 am
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Ocean Boi,

Thank you & hope you enjoy your day.

 

One Day

July 14, 2013
2:31 am
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One Day,

I hope I go swimming or jogging today. My new friend stop over last night for a little while. I blocked my ex from contacting me last night. 

Ocean Boi

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

July 14, 2013
5:37 am
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Ocean Boi,

that sounds like the right thing to do.  Maybe now you will get some peace & quiet.

 

One Day

July 14, 2013
7:47 am
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One Day,

I hope so.

 

Ocean Boi

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

July 15, 2013
5:52 am
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My ex husband came for about an hour yesterday.  He was in a hurry to get somewhere else & did not really make even eye contact with his children.  He told me how he hated me for being myself.  He was upset because I asked for some money to recover the costs of all the medicines for the skin infection.  He told me over & over again how we are never going to be friends & that he hated me.  He said he would get his own place & take the children.  You know what?  I just don't care anymore, anyways.  When he needed my support in the past, I tried to be there for him, but I guess that does not count.  When he disliked most of his family (extended) and refused to attend functions, I respected his decisions.  Now he intends on taking the children to a summer family get together that his own brother invited me to join in.  I will not go as my ex does not allow me to go.  When my extended family had get togethers, I invited him & he came along.  When his elder brother was sick in the hospital, I encouraged him to go & he insisted that he would only go if I also came, so I went.  I am tired, oh so tired of being used & controlled and laughed at and manipulated by people.  This is a man that I took off the streets when his addictions had taken his entire life.  I let him in, tried to help him find his way back into the world, fed him, gave him shelter.  I really pray that I am too sick to live much longer.  I just don't see the point of my life at all.

I hope you have a good day

 

One Day

July 15, 2013
6:41 am
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Good morning. Is there any court order for him to pay for half of the costs of the kids medical care? The focus should have been on the kids health issues not his feelings towards you. Who does your ex husband live with now? Do you believe he is responsible enough and cares enough to provide housing for the kids? Did he provide money to pay for the kids medicine?  Yes, he is trying to control you by telling you you can't go to the family get together but you have the choice to take away his power by making your own decision. I am off to the gym and will write more later when I get back. 

Worried about you.

Ocean Boi

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

July 15, 2013
8:53 am
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This fella has not paid child support for over 10 years.  Legal Aid is willing to help me take him to court if I agree to put a lien on my house which still has a hefty mortgage.  The medicine for the child that contracted the skin infection was all paid from my pocket and there was no prescription for it.  The disenfectants, time to clean bed mattresses, bed sheets, all linens, floors was all done by me & I am exhausted.  I don't want to go to his stupid family get together.  If the kids want to go, let them.

I just want to be alone, and be left alone by people like him.

 

One Day

July 15, 2013
8:55 am
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The guy who is the biological father of the children lives primarily in his truck & sometimes at his youngest brothers house.

July 15, 2013
11:34 am
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One Day,

There is no point in taking him to court if it will be at your expense and if he has no money to pay the child support with. Where I come from the District Attorneys Office handles and investages all child support claims for free. Unless the parent who owes child support has a job, money in the bank or assets there is little that can be done outside of a paper in court saying they owe it. 

Like you I am dealing with the consequences of the decisions I have made to allow dysfucntional people with addictions into my life. The ones that I have dealt with don't maintain their own residence, do odd jobs as opposed to punching a time clock, find people who are willing to take care of them, blame others for their failures, don't have an education beyond HS. I have given to them and recieved nothing but blame, insults and rage in return. It's hypocritical for a person who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, without a place of their own to live in etc. to judge another. It's down right illogical for anyone to allow a person like that to define them. And once again I have to deal with my own addictions to this crap and try to find out why I am so drawn to these toxic people. 

Healthy functioning people are attracted to me in my real life. Yet, on an emotional level I feel nothing towards them. I have no desire to be loved or cared for by them. I feel that if they do something for me then they will want a piece of me in return and then when they don't get it they will get angry. The truth is I can provide just fine for myself and I am not for want. 

This woman that I met is attracted to me calls and texts me all of the time and wants to be with me any time I will allow her to. But, in a romantic way I'm not feeling her. Last night I told her the truth and that is I'm a stone cold boi. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

July 15, 2013
2:10 pm
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Stone cold Boi,

I feel just like you.  Only difference is I won't even try to let those others in.  NO WAY.  Officially today I have severed ties with every person except my children & you.

My father told me off yesterday about wanting to borrow money from the bank to get my son the lessons he needs to get his drivers licence.  My Dad says I should not help the children in any way.  They are all I have.  This house belongs to them when I am gone.

 

It's hot outside, I got my internals biopsied(sP) & now I am totally stone cold one day.

July 15, 2013
2:12 pm
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P.S, You can go too, It won't bother me anymore.

July 15, 2013
4:25 pm
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One Day,

Yesterday a woman that I dated after high school like once called me and asked what I was doing and I said nothing and she asked if she could come over and I said yeah and she said she was here and I let her in. Without a hello, good bye ef you she asks me if she could borrow $20 and I said no that I don't carry money.  She has a history of alcohol abuse. 

Then... this morning I wake up to some off the wall pm on my FB that shows up on my phone from this woman telling me that she is sick of me not answering my phone when she calls or her texts when I have never rec'd any calls or texts from her. The only time she contacts me is to do a favor for her and any time she is around I have to run her around and spend money on her. I blocked her from my accounts and will find out how to do it on my phone as well. She has a history of drug abuse. 

The new one I met keeps texting and I just send short texts back. I'm sure she wants a quick involvement and I don't and right now her behavior is pushing me away. 

I have helped a lot of people out in huge ways who don't even want to lend an ear in return. Then the people who want to shower me with kindness and gifts make me feel like they want something in return so I decline besides I really don't need anything from anyone.

I prefer to spend my time alone in peace doing what I want to do and enjoy the company of very few. 

I feel numb when it comes to recieving and only feel good when giving. 

I enjoyed reading some things you wrote on other threads and will be reviewing them later tonight. Getting ready to see the ocean and swim in her warm body. 

Stone Cold Boi 

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

July 15, 2013
4:41 pm
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I wanna swim in the Ocean!  You change up with me for one week.  You can parent the three weirdos & I will slap those nasty assed girlfriends of yours and go to the Ocean everyday!

Stone COld one day

July 15, 2013
8:48 pm
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On Day,

Sure! Come on in the water is fine. If you were around I would invite you to a silly movie called Cloudy today Meatballs Tomorrow 2 so we could chill. 

I'm taking you up on your offer to slap one nasty assed effing bitch in particular. 

Stone Cold Boi

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

July 16, 2013
3:39 am
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Try Despicable Me 2.  It's the best!  Yes, I would give that bitch a thing to remember!

 

One Day!

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