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Rebel without a clue.
October 31, 2001
12:56 pm
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artist
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September 29, 2010
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Reflecting is what I’ve been doing since I started sharing in the discussions on this site. I must say that what brought me to search for answers in the discussions are not the issues that make me unhappy—they are the effects on my home life that my unhappiness has caused. That unhappiness has resulted in the situation that brought me here—my partner becoming so frustrated an angry at me that he is becoming violent towards me for being so frustrated and angry—all the time--from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I scream at my poor critters. I scream at drivers on the freeway. I get upset at my significant other and I don’t often speak to him with love and affection. I believe that I am being constantly criticized so if I am not being rude to him, I am being sullen—my realization—not his. We argue a lot and the arguments are chipping away at our love for each other. We are very different people—we share some things but we always realized that we were different but it seems now that those differences are irritating and a source of discontent and most recently violence. He has his issues and he knows it. It seems that both of our issues play off each others and we go around and round until… I’ll stop there for a moment so that I can go back to the beginning—to the place that this all started –I think.
Ladeska commented in my first thread that I might be in this relationship to “fix” something broken in a past relationship—like with a parent. Well, Ladeska, you hit it on the head. My man has some of the traits of my mother who I NEVER got along with from the moment I could say “no”. I have been fighting that “parent” in my man. I am that resentful, sullen child with him just like I was when I was living at home. I won’t listen because I feel that I am being dictated to. I feel like I am not listened to and my opinions about my own life are never heard and I say and do accordingly—it ain’t pretty.
OK, I said a lot about my parents(actually maybe not a lot—just more than I’m comfortable with )in that last thread.
The bottom line is I am beginning to believe that though he has some traits that drive me over the edge—I mean into “reacting” instead of “acting”—I am able, just recently, to realize when a situation arises between us –before I become that rebellious kid—that he isn’t my mother—and I ask him if he meant to put me down, etc. and—miracle of miracles—we are able to talk about it, calmly—no anger.

It is so hard to do this for me—to take control. I hope that I can keep it up. I want to try. And what about him you might ask. Well, it’s hard for him, too. He had been out of work for a long time and has a lot of pressures in his new job and a lot of old issues to deal with and my anger to deal with for 4 years. Does he want to try? Well, he said he did but not much has changed between us except we are both in control since the incident. When we can keep our egos out of it, we do talk quite a bit. It seems that the recent pressures of my craft show and his job are what is percolating this whole thing into a rolling boil. Like I said earlier, our arguments are chipping a way at the relationship. I don’t know if it’s too late or not. I don’t know if it’s worth it or not.
It’s definitely worth it to me to “fix” what’s broken in me—relationship or not—and though I’m scared silly—I’m going to see a counselor—my newly acquired health insurance will pay for most of it.
In one of our discussions, last week my significant other and I were talking and I realized that my teenage rebellion was not a rebellion in the positive sense(moving toward something desired)—it was a reaction to being told what to do and doing the opposite because I was afraid that I would fail at what was expected . I didn’t always do something I really wanted to do when I rebelled—but I sure did make life difficult at home and that was just as good.
I am truly tired of being angry. Well, that’s all I’ve got in me at the moment. Food for thought for ya’ll.
Artist

October 31, 2001
1:19 pm
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Ladeska
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WOW.....what a revelation.... Do you realize that most people and do mean "most" go through their whole entire lives not getting this one principle as to why they do what they do? It's a huge KEY and when people really have the courage and truly want to be accountable to themselves for their own wellbeing - when they do this - things start turning around.

It's not easy and it is scarey, but isn't living life in that other crippled state just as horrible if not more so? I think more so because it steals life and liveliness from you and the other path, even though it's painful - will at some point - give you life. The nore you commit to that life - the bigger your garden grows.

Your mother started something in you and you've been continuing it. It's just recently that you've realized that. Time to put down the ballbat and stop sabotaging yourself....eh?

This relationship may work and it may not, but that is not the point here. The point is that - you threw a rod into the gears and stopped things from rolling - long enough to inspect the process.... Now - you take that little peephole of light and you follow it....

You're angry because your real true self knows....this is all b.s. - this thing you keep trying to do and fix. And these surges of anger are out of that place that says - HELLO!!! Knock, knock - this is all lies and tastes like poop in here, so here it comes up - right back at cha! SPLAT!

Our inner self - tries very desperately "to be heard". We just ignore all the signals. We don't Listen, because we never learned how. Well, it's time - you learned how...

I commend you, HUG you and ask that you - stay committed - to this path.

October 31, 2001
1:52 pm
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Thanks , Ladeska. I did have help coming to these conclusions. I've had all of you--big help--my significant other--in our communicative moments--he kept repeating some of those ideas until the light finally dawned and it made sense and then I'd run with it and more ideas would dawn--yoga for stress release--big help with fits of anger. Anyway, I guess that you praised me so highly, I felt guilty accepting it without saying "I didn't do it alone." Also, I pray that I won't have to do it alone in the future, I am scared--determined but scared. Don't worry, I will stay committed to this path. I'm kind of like a pitbull with a bone--once I get it in my jaws--I don't let go. I guess that's one of the good things I got from my Mom. Later.
Artist

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