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really need some encouragement....curious64
October 13, 2011
6:32 pm
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haythere
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Hi curious

(((((hugs)))))

Thank you for sharing what you are going thru currently.  I know it must be difficult to go thru this kind of change.  But, on the other hand, it sounds like maybe it is time for you and your son to separate your lives some.  I was talking to a friend of mine, who was lamenting how much she depends on her youngest daughter for companionship. She knows she needs to find a way to change that, free her daughter and find herself some new hobby or outlet.  But its hard to do, hard to change these kind of relationships.  

Your son will have to figure out the train wreck part on his own.  At some point he will come to you and ask for advice, until then, grit your teeth and let it go.  This is his problem, or maybe he doesn't see it as a problem.  I know I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, I'm really good at offering up advice, only to have it turn into this ugly drama that I have spoken when no one asked for my opinion.  I'm learning to keep my mouth shut, learning to be more patient and finding that my kids are figuring stuff out without my interference.  Then I get to gloat (to myself) about how right I was 🙂

As far as being lonely.  I can understand that.  Working full-time, raising kids, taking care of a home.  Who has time left for friends?  I have a couple of long time friends that I lunch or dine with once or twice a year.  But I would never call them in a crisis....not that close to them.  I have a facebook account now and have reconnected with a few people who I haven't talked to in years. For the most part, its been a positive experience.  I did feel kind of pathetic at first when my son asked a bunch of his friends to send me friend requests because I had so few friends.....sort of mortifying.  I still have a fairly limited friend list, but at least I know who they are.  One of my daughter's friends has over 2000 people on her friend list....really?  unless your in politics, who knows that many people?  Join a book club, join a walking group, church?, woman's league, I don't know what kind of groups you have in your area.  Volunteer work?  Sometimes we have to step out of comfort zone to grow.

Whichever path you choose, do it for you.  You are worth it.  You are an amazing woman!!!!

Your friend,

(((((haythere)))))

October 14, 2011
11:02 am
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Well said Haythere!!! Hope you are doing okay (((Hugs)))

Curious - Haythere is absolutely right about finding something to do. When I was in depression last year I lost all interest and stopped doing everything I loved. People could suggest it - but as you know - with depression comes low energy and all I wanted to do was lay in bed. I HAD to work so I did but struggled all day long. then would get home and go to bed only to do the same thing day after day. No one could convince me that joining my music groups would help - i simply didnt want to and i wasnt going and that was that! When I was ready, i went back to clarinet and realized how right everyone had been. getting more involved with life was part of my overcoming that depression. I only wished I had listened to my family and done it sooner. It got me out of bed and out of the house. gave me a bit of social interaction. and when i practiced it distracted my negative thoughts.

I see you heading to a place I was in last year and I would HATE to see this get any worse and have you go through that. so i'm saying this because I care. All of a sudden this morning I had some insight. That is - as much as I want my father to accept me for who I am, I have to accept him for who he is. I suddenly realized I have to accept the situation. my dad is 76 years old - he is who he is. when he says something hurtful - i just have to brush it off and NOT let it affect me.

I think this is one of those situations that seems inevitible. I know you have been trying really hard to adjust to the changes - but until you accept it - you wont stop being affected by it. does that make sense?

(((BIG HUGS)))) love, troubledNM

October 16, 2011
6:03 pm
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haythere
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Hey, TNM ((((((hugs))))), you speak from a place I have never been.  You are way more empathetic than I am.  Life experiences are different for each of us.  I have lived a very sheltered life in many ways.  But my son has challenged me in ways that I would not wish for anyone.  But we are all survivors.  One step at a time, one day at a time. 

Curious, just want to let you know I'm on your team ((((((haythere)))))), however you decide to proceed, I'm here for you.  

October 16, 2011
6:30 pm
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Haythere and TNM - sorry I have not been very responsive.   I am struggling just to get through the day right now and sometimes responding seems to require more energey than I have.  I went to bed on Friday at 6 pm and slept till 10 pm, got up for 1 hour and went back to bed at 11 pm and slept until 10 am.  Just really having a tough time.  Things are so bad with my daughter and I right now, I don't even know where we go from here.   We used to be so close and now I am finding the more I recover and stop being a push over, the less she seems to like me.  We fight constantly.  

 

The truth is that right now I can't worry about either one of the kids.  I have to focus on myself before this depression completely consumes me.  I have be become my number one priority for a while.  I thing I just forgot to be kind to myself and to treatment myself well.  If my kids are home, I cook a meal, when I am home alone I eat peanut butter and jelly 5 days straight.   That isn't treating myself very well.  Just a silly example, but I think  you know what I mean.

 

Going to get off of here now.  I want to be in bed before she gets home.  Can't take another argument with her today.

I  thank both of you so much for supporting me and being my friends.  I might just make it through this with friends like you. 

((((((((HUGS)))))))Cry

October 17, 2011
6:49 pm
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haythere
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Aaawwww curious, you are so right that you need to take care of yourself right now.  You don't need to give us an explaination why you haven't posted.  I totally understand about not having the energy to post, been there myself.  Do what you need to, to take care of yourself.  And don't waste your valuable energy fighting with your daughter.

There was a time that I could not have a conversation with my son without it turning into a fight.  I finally put an end to that by walking away.  I simply would not engage with him if/when he got agressive or disrespectful  with me.  Very hard to do, I have an opinion about most everything and I thought he should hear it.  And he got tired of hearing me harp on the same subjects day after day, time after time.  Neither of us wanted to listen to the other.  And I got really tired of him being shitty to me.  But we worked our way thru that period.  I tried to find random things to talk to him about that didn't involve his (bad) friends or his addiction issues.  I asked about his favorite football team,  discussed random current events, tried to keep to neutral topics, ones that didn't trigger fights.  Not that I was begging him to speak to me, but I do believe that our kids learn from us and we need to try and set the example.  I'm a libra (my zodiac sign) and am about harmony and balance.  It kills me to have things out of whack. We were able to find some common ground, and like me, he was able to make some progress without someone telling him how to do it.  

I'm not sure what the reason is that you fight with your daughter, it may have nothing to do with the above.  But my son was used to me being a doormat and when I got tired of being walked over and when I started to going at him is when we had our (arguing) problems.  As I said, I just don't engage in a conversation where I'm being disrespected, I walk away.  More important to me, to have some peace.  And curious, that is what I wish for you, is to find some peace.  ((((((((hugs))))))))

October 18, 2011
5:17 pm
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 Haythere - what is going on with my daughter is kind of the same thing.   I have allowed her to treat me live a door mat for so long and when I try to speak up for myself and not let her walk on me she just gets over the top angry. 

It would be so wonderful if one person in my life here at home could understand what this depressive disorder is like.  I can't just snap out of it, I can't just wish it away.  Sometimes like now, it feels like I am completely losing myself.   My heart pounds, I hyperventilate and the tears just won't stop falling.  It feels like I am absolutely going freaking insane.   What I would give for someone to put their arms around me and hold me close and tell me they will be there for however long it takes.  Shit, I would just settle for a quick hug and the comment it will be alright.   But the fact is that I don't have that.  I am totally and completely alone and that seems to be my fate.  What I have to decide now is if I can live with that.  And if not, what can I do about it??

I am just so tired of hurting and so tired of being alone.  So tired of it being so easy for people to just walk away from me and act like I never existed at all.  What is it about me that makes that happen over and over again in my life??  What have I done that is so bad that I deserve this??I just want the pain to stop.   I just want to find some peace.   The problem is that I just don't know how to do that. Confused

October 19, 2011
6:00 pm
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I am so freaking tired of having things that don't work and not having the money to fix them.   It is 56 in my house and the damn furnace is not working correctly.   It is only a year old!!!!!!  Going to have to run space heaters tonight to sleep.   The way things have been going for me the freaking house will probably burn down.  But what the hell, at least then my  misery would be f'n over.   I just can't seem to catch a break and if I don't get one very, very soon, I am going to break myself. 

Damn I miss the days when there was a lot of people on these boards and when you were feeling down chances are someone was on here to talk, support and encourage.   I am so lonely and so down and I have absolutely no place to turn.   I sure felt like I sewed some good seeds in my life, but can't seem to reap anything good as a result.   I'm just going to call it a night.  YellYell

October 20, 2011
8:52 am
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Dear Curious,

I, too, miss the days on these boards when we could post our troubles/heartaches and get genuinely supportive feedback from many kind posters without fear of "thread invasion" or predators.  However, I am more than willing to brave the negative opposition and post to you today.  I've known you for a long time.  You have walked a tough road and learned to live, independent of your former abuser.  That was a HUGE accomplishment.  Don't forget it. 

In my own life I have learned that Life seems empty and "flat" without a toxic partner at the center of it.  Might not make sense, but being involved in the highly emotional complexity of a relationship with a hurtful partner made me feel NEEDED, NOTICED and ALIVE.  Once the toxic partner was removed, I slowly fell to pieces (after the initial momentum of anger, etc. wore off) and slid into a zone of depression and flatness.  I hope this is making sense.  Perhaps this compares to your own, current state of mind & heart?

Your son, who has been such a rock to you, is moving into a relationship which shoves you somewhat to the side in his list of priorities.  This is normal, natural and VERY HARD for us "recovering codependent" moms to adapt to.  VERY HARD.  And yet, we must let our sons go, without feeling empty and abandoned. 

I am guessing that all your childhood rejection and abandonment "triggers" are firing off like crazy in recent months.  However, I hope you can look further back in time...back to when you were living with a man who tormented you night & day, drove you nearly crazy with his verbal and emotional and physical abuse...his total unpredictability.  You are FREE FROM THAT TORMENT.  Don't allow another type of torment to take its place: loneliness, rejection and a feeling of having been abandoned.  We can find full lives without a man at the center, even without our sons.  It takes growth and expansion into NEW types of relationships which our codependency caused us to overlook in the past. 

I am rooting for you and sending you a HUGE hug,

Ma Strong

October 20, 2011
12:17 pm
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curious64
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Ma - Thanks for taking the risk and posting to me here.   It means a lot to know that somewhere in this crazy world there is a person who cares. 

I don't think this was brought on just by my extracting myself from the past relationship that was so toxic.   It seems be a combination of things causing a sort of domino effect.   I started back into therapy when my son went on nights because I knew that when I have too much time alone I tend to spiral down.   Thought I was being proactive and stopping this before it got too bad.   After 6 free EAP visits, the depression actually began to get worse.   My therapist feels like my medication was working to keep the depression at bay, but not completely putting it to rest and that the events of the past several months have exacerbated the depression to the point that the medication is not keeping up.

All of my past emotional coping methods are gone.   I don't have the eratic life of my toxic ex to distract me, my relationship with my daughter has deteriorated to non-existant, my son has his own life and his night job, I don't drink anymore, smoke anymore, overeat anymore and I am just left with these raw emotions that I can't seem to numb.  I am honestly just getting through the work day and then after that I am just a puddle of tears and anxiety and I have never battle the anxiety like this before.  The problem is that I am in such a bad place that I can't seem to care enough to try to do the things I need to in order to get better.   I am supposed to be re-reading co-dependent no more, but can't bring myself to concentrate on a page long enough to read it.  Heck I can't even watch a 30 min tv show.  My therapist had me try to count backwards by 7's from 100 and I couldn't get past 86.  I felt so stupid, but she said it had nothing to do with intelligence, but with ability to concentrate. 

I also think for the first time in my life I am actually being diagnosed with an eating disorder.   I have not worked out once this week and have not care about what I have eaten.  Almost like a drug addict making a decision to pick back up the drug after a length of sobriety.  I'm scratching and clawing to get back on track, but it just seems impossible.  Can't even get my thoughts to flow together to finish writing this.

Just know that I am thankful for you and I will let you know how therapy goes.   Right now I just feel like a person who has lost their purpose, like a sailbot that is drifting anyway the wind blows in the middle of a vast, empty ocean.

October 20, 2011
3:55 pm
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Hi Ma, what you have said makes so much sense.  I have experienced depression but never to the depths that curious and you have experienced.

Curious, I want you to know that I have not abandoned you at all.  Sometimes I don't feel I have the right words for you, but I think of you everyday and hope and pray that you are hanging in there o.k.  (((((((hugs))))))

You have come so far and I know you have so many challenges in your life right now.  A few years ago I was being pounded by things I had absolutely no control over and they just kept coming.  I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and slowly, but surely one thing would improve, then another thing would resolve itself.  It took a year of craziness in my life for things to settle down.  I'm a very different person now, a better person in many ways (at least I think I am).  But the process was painful at times, I had to learn to let go of stuff I could not control.  And for me that was the hardest.  But I think the most important thing I learned was to take care of myself, be good to myself.  

Keep seeing that therapist, I think she has a good handle on what is happening with you, and if you give her a chance I think she should be able to help you help yourself.  The meds can make so much of a difference, the hard part is finding the right combination.  You are a survivor, you will find your way thru all this goop.  

your friend,

(((((((haythere)))))))

October 20, 2011
6:27 pm
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((((Haythere))))   Thank you for your kindness and your prayers.  Therapy was very hard tonight.   She was quite worried about this slippery slope(as she calls it) that I am on. She asked me again if I thought I needed to be in the hospital.  I am having panic attacks which is really new for me.  I have dealth with anxiety, but not this hyperventilating type of panic feeling. 

She wants me to see the psychiatrist as soon as he can get me in.  She spoke with my medical doctor and Dr. Meade doesn't want to attempt a medication adjustment with me in this much acute distress.  I guess that is good that she is humble enough to admit that she would rather not attempt this problem. 

My therapist is trying very hard to take it slow and be patient with me.  Looks like some stuff I thought I had "dealt" with I may actually have just chosen to ignore and events in my life now are triggering these problems.   The result of that is that my brain chemistry is really out of whack.

Tonight she pointed out that I feel like I need to "pull myself up by my boot straps" and get over this.   That I think I have to fix this, that it is something wrong that I can control.   It is really kind of interesting how she pulls things out of things that I am saying that I did not even think about.  Apparently my head knows a lot of things that my heart/emotions is having trouble catching up with.  I was trying to make a point with her about how my dad even now still trys to keep me in a box and how he always thinks he knows everything.  The example I gave was him commenting that my daughter and I were not sweating enough after working out.  I know that sweating was not necessarily indicitive of how long I worked in my target heart rate, but he did not believe that. 

My therapist said she could hear in that story that even now I still waste time trying to get my dad's approval.  She was right, I guess I was upset about that conversation because I felt like he didn't think I was working out hard enough and for some reason i needed him to be happy about how much and how hard I was working out.  I am almost 50 years old and i still striving for my dad's attention.  That is just sick and by saying it is sick I am again being too hard on myself and the viscious cycle continues in my brain.

I see my medical doctor tomorrow and I am nervous about it.  It is kind of embarrassing to have to see her when I am in this state of mind.  It has been a couple of years since she has seen me this deeply depressed and I feel like a failure.  How did I allow this to happen again? 

I am sorry to just ramble on so much.   I am so thankful for you and Ma for reaching out to me.   How are you and your son doing?  I hope his therapy i still going good.  Haythere - I always appreciate anything you have to say.   Please don't ever feel like you don't have the right words for me.   Just saying hello can be very helpful.

October 21, 2011
7:39 am
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StronginHim77
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Panic attacks stink.  Really and truly stink.  They are awful.  Make you feel as if you were dying.  I have battled them for years.  Would like to recommend an "easy read" book about them which really helped me.  In fact, I yank it out and read it out loud, every time I am smacked with one:  PANIC ATTACKS by Christine Ingham.  Another one (for indepth understanding and practical techniques for overcoming panic attacks):  THE ANXIETY AND PHOBIA WORKBOOK by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D.

There are alot of triggers for panic attacks.  In my own case, feeling abandoned, rejected or ALONE can initiate them.  Ditto feeling completely out of control of my circumstances.  Helpless.  WHAM.  The panic attack(s) hit.  Mine usually come when I am alone, resting, trying to sleep OR...when I am under bright fluorescent lights of any kind (try smack dab in the middle of a store, while shopping!).  Talk about bad timing???  They give me jacked up blood pressure (195/110), increased heart rate, pain in center of chest, numbness and tingling in extremities, dizziness, lightheadedness...ALL NASTY STUFF.  

If you are experiencing panic attacks, you need a multi-faceted approach to working with them.  First and foremost, remember that NO ONE EVER DIED FROM A PANIC ATTACK.  Secondly, having panic attacks DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE CRAZY.  It does mean, however, that you are overwhelmed emotionally.  Although we can plow ahead through our emotional pain (going to work, doing our laundry, performing our routine chores, etc.), the pain and stress continue to build until...WE HAVE A PANIC ATTACK.  My own usually come in a cycle.  I can go months without one...only to find myself slammed by a stream of them over a period of several days.  Sometimes, weeks.  Then, they ease up and Life seems normal, till the next time I am "triggers."

Very important to learn what our triggers are.  Mine are rejection, abandonment, loneliness, financial worry, STRESS.   I have a psychiatrist AND my GP working with me, as well as extensive therapy to address them.  Rather than go on a daily maintenance antidepressant, my own doctors have chosen to give me valium to take whenever I feel one coming on.  In my case, valium usually heads off the most uncomfortable symptoms and settles them down within 30 minutes.  Each person is different.  Your doctor(s) will determine what works best for you, usually through trial and error.  It is NOT an exact science.

They found that my depression and panic attacks were not caused by any brain chemistry imbalance, although my serotonin levels were probably not the greatest.  By changing my activities to serotonin-enhancing activities, I have acquired techniques that help me reduce -- and sometimes avoid -- the recurrence of my own panic attacks.  Physical activity seems to help me a great deal:  exercising, dancing, walking, doing yardwork, chores, etc.  Being physically busy helps me.  Each person is different, of course.  Sometimes, I google one of my favorite comedians on YouTube and watch a 10 minute clip to help me lighten up.  Laughter also increases our endorphin levels which helps elevate our general sense of well-being and peace.

I also spend time in "soaking" prayer.  This is when I go into a quiet room, put on some peaceful worship music and simply curl up in a blanket, talking with God.  Sometimes, I feel too worn down to even pray/talk with Him.  So I just curl up.  And He always comes and comforts me.  I rise up 1/2 hour or so later, feeling greatly strengthened and much more at peace.

One final thing I wanted to share with you...

When I began serious therapy to address my codependency issues, I got alot WORSE, before I got better.  I remember weeping, laying about like a depressed dish rag, crying, contemplating suicide...the works.  There were sessions when I was actually FURIOUS with my therapist for the pain I was experiencing, working through my emotional issues.  He taught me a great deal, but one thing stood out:  we have to allow ourselves to feel the pain, to re-experience the pain via therapy, before we can leave it behind and move forward into recovery.  So, we are going to feel WORSE, before we feel better. 

My own psychologist (who did my therapy) explained to me that I was feeling all that pain because the codependent distractions I had resorted to in my past (in order to AVOID the pain) were gone.  Those distractions had included toxic relationships, alcohol, tranquilizers, workaholism and obsessive-compulsive housecleaning.  Kid you not.  Once those distractions were removed, I had to face myself and begin feeling my feelings.  It was hell.  But I got through it and came out on the other side, happier and healthier with better coping skills.

I hope this helps.  You will have to find your own path.  And each of us has different medical/psychiatric needs.  Work with your doctors.  Above all, COMMUNICATE HONESTLY with them, everything you are feeling and experiencing, so that they can truly help you effectively.

Hugs,

Ma Strong

October 21, 2011
8:21 am
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haythere
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(((((hugs)))) to curious and ma.

Just a couple of thoughts.  Having our hearts and our heads on the same page is a great place to be, everything is chugging along as it should be.  But, unfortunately, when they aren't everything else seems to get out of whack.  Allowing your doctors (GP, therapist, psychiatrist) to help guide you back to where you need to be is good, its o.k.   There is no reason to feel embarrassed, if you see the doc because your sick with the flu your not embarrassed, why should this be any different?  Getting to the bottom of all this "goop" and dealing with it, is the best way for long term well being.  Maybe it doesn't get fixed all at once, but piece by piece. 

For instance, all kids want their parents approval....BUT you are no longer a kid, you are an adult and you need to let it go when you don't get the answer or feedback you want from your dad.  He is how he is, he is not going to change, accept him for how he is.  You have no control over him, let it slide off your back.  The tricky part is how do you get to the point, that you can do that?  That is where your work is cut out for you, that is where the doctor's step in and help you find out how to get there.

The pain management program my son was in (he was discharged this week!) has a bio-feedback component.  It taught deep-breathing and relaxation techniques.  Very helpful for him in dealling with his anxiety as well as helping him to get to sleep at night.  My husband and I attended one session with him and I have used some of the techniques I picked up (during the one session) to help me go back to sleep at night when I wake up (usually takes 2-3 hours for me to go back to sleep).  I put him on a plane to visit his sister this week (4+ hours on a plane) and I noticed on the way to the airport he was doing the deep breathing, as he was anxious about being on the plane for so long.  He did o.k.  Anyway, maybe your therapist or the psychiatrist has some experience with biofeedback and could help you learn some relaxtion techniques to help deal with the panic attacks and anxiety.  Ma suggestions were very good as well.  Probably have to try a few different things to see what works best for you.

Hang in there, remember this is about you and your well being and you are soooooo worth it!

(((((haythere)))))

October 31, 2011
5:20 am
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Hello everyone - Just wanted to stop in for a moment and let you know I am doing some better.   The change in meds is helping.   I will write more later, but got to get to work right now.  

 

Hope everyone has a terrific Monday!

((((HUGS))))

November 5, 2011
7:05 pm
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So glad to hear you are doing better.  It must be incredible hard to hang in there while waiting to see if meds will work for you.  Hoping that other things are going better too.  (((((hugs)))))

November 5, 2011
7:23 pm
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Haythere - Thank you for stopping buy.  The meds seem to be working, but my insurance does not want to pay for it.  My doctor is trying to get it approved, so I am keeping my fingers cross.   Very scary to think they might keep me from being able to have something that is helping me to get well.  UGH!!

I am trying to just hang in there and be patient.   Trying to stay calm and worry free.   Lord knows that is hard for me.  

My daughter is going to look at apartments this week.   She found some near her school for next year that will hold one for her if she pays a deposit now.  It gives me some hope to know that she really will be getting a place of her own and I will again have some peace in my house.   Going to be pretty lonely, but I am already practicing doing things for myself and by myself.  I actually went to the movies tonight alone and had a good time. 

My son is hating his job so badly and he really, really wants to find something else.  I hope he can find something different because I hate seeing him so miserable.   He thought nights would be okay, but he can't get to sleep until 2 hours after he gets home and then by the time he sleeps, showers and eats it is just time to go back to work.  He feels like he has no life anymore.

 

Spent some times with my twin niece and nephew this week and they are so fun and it is hard to be depressed around them. 

Well, it is getting late here so I better get off of here and get some rest.  Hope you are having a relaxing weekend.   Catch me up on how things are going for your son and for you.  

 

((((HAYTHERE))))

November 6, 2011
9:04 am
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Good luck with the insurance coverage.  Doctors are pretty good about fighting for their patients.  And some of the pharmacutical companies will help if your insurance won't cover their particular product.  

We are in de-clutter mode.  We've been in this house for a little over 4 years, the house before 25 years.  When we moved, we never did get around to weeding thru all the "stuff", then when we moved in here, we moved my mom in with us and alot of her stuff went into storage, along with some of our stuff.  Well we finally got around to emptying out the storage units (we had 2) and my husband is on a mission to go thru everything and get rid of the stuff we no longer want/need.  Had a garage sale a couple of week ends ago....got rid of a ton of stuff.  He has been hauling stuff to the goodwill.  

Cleaned out our closets last weekend.....I had soooooo much stuff in mine, it was ridiculous.  And it wasn't really even the clothes, boxes of stuff that had never been unpacked since we moved, boxes of cables for computers and tvs and components, 2 shelves of books, on and on.  Today is the home office for me, and what do I do, jump on the computer to avoid digging in 🙂  

Lots of stuff to go thru, hopefully throw away or box up.  I have one deep drawer full of gift bags, wrap and ribbon.  Ugghhhh, I don't even know where to start.  Maybe I'll go to Target and get a new belt for the vacuum cleaner and some office organization stuff......no, not a good idea, need to get with the program and dig in.  Heeeheeeheee, I know it will be sooooo much better when I'm done and it will look so much better.  O.K. I guess I need to go and get to work.  Have a great day and a great week!

((((curious))))

November 8, 2011
6:43 am
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curious64
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((((Haythere))))  So, how is the de-cluttering coming along?   I really need to do that in my yard barn and my bedroom.   If I do it I know I will feel better and more relaxed.   Just motivating myself to do it is hard.  Did you get the home office organized?   Once my daughter moves out I am going to have a home office.   Kind of excited about it.  I don't have much of a decorating eye, but hope I can come up with something inspiring, lol.

 

Haven't heard from my insurance company yet, but hopefully it will be good news.  This medication is working and the fog is finally lifting.   The Holidays are still a little tough for me, but I am going to do my best to get through it without a crash of my emotions.  Have you started your Christmas shopping yet?  I have purchased a couple of things, but still have the bulk to do. 

 

Need to get to work, but I wanted to just stop in and say hello and let you know how much your friendship means to me.   Thanks so much or continuing to support me.

 

Curious

November 8, 2011
10:09 am
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haythere
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Hi curious

So good to hear that you are feeling better!

Yes, I got most of the home office cleared out.  Still have a drawer full of receipts to tackle and filling to be done.....we have built in desk and drawers in the room my mom occupied, which will now hold our personal files.  But just walking into the office is like taking a breath of fresh air.  No more clutter, at least for now 😉

Just getting the job started is the hardest part, at least for me!  

Xmas shopping!!!  Yikes, not planning on having alot of presents this year.  My grand niece and nephews of course will get gifts.  But for my kids and husband we are thinking about going to Hawaii or Cabo.  My daughter will be home in december to february, then will be leaving for china.  She will be there for a year & a 1/2, with short trips to the U.S. for a couple of weddings she will be in.  So we thought a family vacation might be in order before she leaves.  We haven't had a proper vacation in over 4 years.  We'll go wherever I can find the best deal.  At least thats the plan now......

Take care of yourself my friend.

(((((curious)))))

December 22, 2011
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Haven't posted in a while.   Been fighting the depression, physical health issues and work craziness.   Having a stressful weak as my sister is causing us serious family drama.   She really needs counseling but I fear she will never get any because I suspect she suffers from some sort of personality disorder and thus is unable to ever see anything from anyone's point-of-view but her own.  We are all evil and she is "poor little..."  

 

Feeling pretty yucky today.  So sick of fighting the depression.  Have tried 4 or 5 different meds.  Current one makes me so tired I might as well be depressed, all want to do is sleep.  Haven't worn make up to work once this week, didn't even wash my hair this morning.   Just no energy to do anything.   Haven't finished my Christmas shopping and have no desire to do so.   Will I ever feel better??   I am thinking I may just have to except that this is how my life is going to be an accept it instead of trying to hard to fight it. 

 

Going to do my best to get through Christmas and then consider what my options are.  

 

Hope that everyone has a peaceful and blessed Christmas!!

 

((((HUGS)))

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