Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
really need some encouragement....curious64
July 1, 2010
11:43 pm
Avatar
curious64
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So,brief recap, I ended the relationship with the man i loved for 24 years back in January, he moved out in March. He is severely handicapped from an overdose in 1998. Dependent on others for even the simplest things, but is also an alcoholic.I tried as hard as I could to be there for him, but it was breaking me down.

He moved into a rented room 4 blocks from me. I have had basically no contact. Had to tie up some lose ends, but for the most part he was doing his thing and I was doing mine. He fired his caregiver who is the sister of the family he rented the room from, so they asked him to move out.

So, now fast forward to this week. He called me at work to ask me about some of his things that were left in my yard barn. We had a nice talk and I was really proud of the fact I did not feel like I wanted to see him, or fix his problems. Sounds good right?

I have been working on me and making some real progress. Speaking up for myself more, setting boundaries with family members, achieving new things at work and feeling like I was really on my way. Today he called again while I was at work and I answered the phone not knowing it was him.

He wanted to tell me he was moving and that they were picking him in up in an hour. He asked if I would come by and tell him good-bye. He didn't want things to end badly with us and I told him if I had time I would swing by on the way home from work. I work 30 miles from the town we live in.

Strangely, after I got off of the phone I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I began to cry and I cried all the way home. Apparently, even though we were having no contact I had found some comfort in knowing he was only 4 blocks away and that if got into trouble he could call me. I also apparently liked knowing i might run into him from time to time. Now hearing that he was moving out of town I felt sad, lonely, confused...basically just a mess.

This really has taken me by surprise. I did not expect to feel this way. Really thought I had moved passed the heartbreak and was on my way to a new life. I guess I was just kidding myself. It is weird, I don't want to be back in a relationship with me, so why am I so upset by his leaving town? I just don't understand all of these feelings.

This evening I got another call from a number I did not recognize and it was him. He was crying and I could hardly even hear him. The people he moved in with had just left the house and he was alone in a strange house, in a new town and he was afraid. He is not even able to light a cigarette for himself, like I said he is severely disabled. He was calling from a cell phone he found on the table and he was in dispair. He doesn't usually complain much about being in the wheelchair, but he was crying and saying he was sick to his stomach from not being able to do anything and having to ask for help with everything. Before he could finish talking the phone went dead. Assuming the cell phone died.

I cannot seem to help but worry about him. I was his primary caregiver for 4 years. These people he is living with don't really know much about him as he is now . They were his friends before his overdose. I know he is in a bed of his own making, that his choices got him where he is, but I still can't stand to see him hurting like this. No matter how bad things got between us, I never wished anything bad to happen to him. He really needs to be back in a nursing home where he has the care he needs.

Once I began to cry again about his situation and my repressed heartbreak, I was flooded with other emotions about my life. Why am I 46 and never been married, never even engaged. What is it about me that is so damned unloveable? The loneliness is overwhelming me. I have been trying so hard to work on me, loving myself, growing up the little girl inside, but today I just want someone to hold me and tell me it is all going to be okay and there is nobody to do that.

I read on this site nearly everyday and I see a lot of hurting and lonely people and sometimes I just feel like I am going to be alone forever and I can't seem to find a way to be okay with that. I'm sick and tired of being by myself all of the time, I'm sick of pain, sorrow and fighting the good fight. I could really use some support and encouragement. Is there anybody out there?????

July 2, 2010
1:04 am
Avatar
falling feather
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello curious64,
I am so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain.
It is SO hard to end a relationship with someone we truly care about, especially if they hurt us and we know for sure that the only thing we can do is end it and focus on us.

You once told me this---
"There is a part of my heart that will always hold a special place for him, but I now see him for what he is and our relationship for what it was....."a fantasy of my own imagination". The reality is that it was a one-sided, abusive relationship and I don't want that back."

You feel lonely, broken, unlovable, and you hold many regrets. But remember that while there is pain and loneliness, there is also joy and knowledge.

Today I felt lonely. I felt broken. I felt useless. I felt horrible for leaving my abusive boyfriend in so much pain.
But then I reminded myself that I was alive. I was breathing. I had made it through another day without him. He was fine before me and he will be fine now.
I am not bad. I am not horrible. I am NOT stupid. I am broken but the beautiful thing about that is that I am healing. I am not useless. And neither are you. These are your ex's words floating back into your head.

I felt like I had no one to hold me and then I reminded myself that I have ME. And I will NEVER let myself down. I can hold myself and tell myself that it will all be ok. That I understand this pain is so hard and it seems so frightening and unfair, but it will not last forever.
I am NOT lonely.

As long as I have myself, and as long as I be my own best friend, I will never be lonely.
The rest will come in time.
šŸ™‚

Keep pushing through! I am so sorry that you have to deal with so many emotions, so much suppressed grief. I am here for you, and I understand.

I KNOW without a doubt in my mind that you will make it through this! And that you will find so much happiness in your life. You just have to make the choice to.

July 2, 2010
7:05 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Curious...you are 46 and you loved him for 24 years...that means you fell in love with him when you were 22? I don't know if you dated others during that time or if you were always with him. HE IS THE REASON YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED AND HAVE NEVER BEEN ENGAGED!!!! I know the party line around here that it isn't all THEIR fault and we have to acknowledge that we contributed blah, blah, blah...but you loved this man and everytime you had a chance at happiness, marriage, etc your love for him stood in the way. Sometimes it is their fault and the call to you was nothing but a sympathy play. Did you overdose him in 1998? For him never marrying you you sure have put up with a lot.

I am 42 and realize I am about to sound like a prude but I don't think in some areas women's lib and the sexual revolution has helped women out a whole lot. We try to be open minded and go with the flow, but men are the one's who are benefitting most. Why buy the cow when the milk is free? I learned in my relationship with R that after a certain period of time (and I am not sure what that would be) I should have taken a walk because he never was going to marry me.

I recommend for you a therapeutic reading of the Sweet Potato Queens books (any of them) and next time "be particular".

Been there, done that!

{{{curious}}}}}

Bitsy

July 2, 2010
8:57 am
Avatar
curious64
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

falling feather and bitsy, thank you both for taking the time to respond. You support and encouragement really mean a lot.

I have never been very good at choosing men because I was broken at a young age. I had 2 serious relationships before this man and they both ended badly with me feeling like I was not good enough. I took a year off and dated nobody, then I met my son's father. I was a 19-year-old virgin and planned to wait on marriage to become sexually intimate with a man. I fought with my parents about my son's father and ended up moving in with him and his mother. After a period of time I began to fear I would lose him if I did not have sex with him, so I did it and ended up pregnant and then he left me. He left before the baby was even born.

Then another 2 years just focusing on being a mom and not dating. In 1984 I was out with a couple of girlfriends and my ex walked in. It was like a scene from a movie. We had flirted in high school, but he was short and I had a thing about dating tall men. Now here we are at 22 years old and when he walked in it was like the whole place went dark except for the light from me to him. He was 6'2", rippled muscles, beautiful smile and he came straight over to me. We danced and talked and that was it for me. I fell madly, head-over-heels in love with him that very night.

I was so wounded emotionally that I was willing to accept scraps of love and affection. I found out pretty quickly that he was trouble, but I didn't care because I "loved" him. He never wined and dined me, but we had fun together and he stopped the loneliness that was filling my soul. In 1991 or 92 He returned from a stay in jail and I told him we couldn't be together anymore because of his drinking and that was the end of our relationship for 14 years.

In that entire 14 years I was never asked out on a date, never flirted with, never given a second look by a man. Because I ended our relationship due to not being able to deal with his drinking, I ended the relationship still loving him. I devoted myself to raising my kids and I replaced men, smoking and drinking with food. Over those years I gained nearly 100 lbs, pretty good man repellant.

The entire time we were apart I thought of him almost everyday and I prayed that he would get his life together. When I read in the paper about his overdose in 1998 it nearly killed me. I didn't go to the hospital because I felt like that was time his family, not some old girlfriend from the past. But I kept track of his progress and how things were going.

Before I fell in love with him we were friends. There have been many good times and I have some great memories from times we spent together. Just as I have hurts from my childhood that brought me to where I am, he did as well. He never knew his father, and his mother won't tell him anything about him, actually told him that he died when my ex was a baby. he has heard rumors since he was very, very young about this man and that man being his father, one of those men being his step-grandfather.

I know I am never going to view him as some sort of sick monster, because I don't believe that to be true. He is an alcoholic and I believe that if he ever set his mind to it he could get help and have a more productive life. I can't believe that any person is beyond the point of restoration. If I believe that I can grow and change, I have to believe others can as well.

He and I have shared so much that I think maybe that is where my sadness is coming from. I just know that it doesn't matter who I meet from this day forward, nobody is every going to know me as well as he did.

I know I can love myself and give myself a hug, but nothing can replace that feeling of another human being wrapping their arms tightly around you and telling you it is all going to be okay.

I'm sorry this is rambling on so long. I guess I just had a lot to get out of my system. I have been doing really well with eating healthy and getting more exercise. I have discovered that I am kind of a carbo addict. Since I have cut my carbs way down, I'm not having the cravings I was having before. I am hoping that with each lb I lose my knee will feel better and better. I know the cartilage is gone and it will eventually need replaced, but for now I am just enduring it.

thanks again to both of you for coming to my aid. I really needed to hear what you had to say. Thanks for reminding me of my own words. It is so easy to forget all that and get lost in the emotion of the situation. Wow, this really was too long, sorry for that. Hugs to you both and have a wonderful holiday weekend.

July 2, 2010
9:17 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

it sounds like, as long as he was "that" close, you kept the hope alive that something would change - and that being in remote contact would allow you to witness the change the minute it happened.

But it never did....but it never stopped you from hoping.

Funny thing about alcoholism...I have an ex - who was/is an alcoholic, tho now recovering - and I thought "if he just quit drinking, it would work for us"....well, he did quit...and many months later we reconnected....and things fell right into place and it was just like old times...like you said - nobody knows me like he does - and it went well for a while...JUST LIKE OLD TIMES....then it fell apart again...JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.

EVEN IF your ex stops drinking - he has been a drinker for so long that it's going to be a LONG LONG road of battling his "demons" and facing his issues, his past, the consequences of what he has done.

What ultimately tore my ex and I apart is that now that he is not drinking - when things came back to bite him in the butt (consequences of thing done in the past), he had no "outlet" for dealing with them and spiraled into pity and anger...with no way to cope. They need to "relearn" how to live without the drink, how to feel, how to deal with their emotions, and more.

Change is hard. Change is even HARDER when you are disabled and have to figure out who you can count on, how to live without your old support system, and what to do in situations where nobody is there.

He WILL adjust to the new situation, in time...and I think in order for YOU to truly, and finally, heal, you need to let him go and figure it out for himself.

You have been holding yourself back for so long....it's time for YOU to LIVE!! it isn't going to be easy, because you ALSO have to relearn everything new.

Have you considered counseling or coda or al-anon?

July 2, 2010
9:53 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ray Charles has a song called Here We Go Again....we all keep wishing and hoping and dreaming our lives away.

No. No one is ever going to know you like he did, but someone else has the ability to love you for who you are today.

Bitsy

July 2, 2010
11:08 am
Avatar
chinadoll
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 193
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

{{curious}}

It sounds like you had quite a setback, but don't lose focus on yourself.

You said that no one knows you better than he did...not true. You know yourself better than anyone.

Don't put a man, any man, above yourself. Having a man in your life does not complete you, you complete you.

If you tell yourself that you will be alone forever, then you will. You can change the things you don't like about your life.

Spend time doing things you enjoy. Join some groups or some type of activity mixed with men and women. Instead of focusing on having a man as a romantic partner, get to know them as friends. Talk to a lot of different men, if you can.

You said you were not ever able to pick good men, this can be your way to "practice". Be yourself. It does no matter your weight, your size, because all you are doing is getting to know other people. Be yourself.

Then you know that they accept you exactly as you are. That is the way it should be.

Gaining 100 lbs is not the reason for the "man repellent". My brother's wife was a "bigger" girl when they met and married, and she has gained even more weight in the past 7 years. He loves her for the person that she is. The "man repellent" is from your belief that you are not good enough. You are good enough. You have to believe that, so others can see it, too.

You deserve happiness and joy. Your life is what you make it. It sounds like you were doing really well with your progress. You just need to get over this speed bump. You are going to be all right.

July 2, 2010
12:03 pm
Avatar
curious64
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rising, Bitsy, China - Thanks to you all for your wisdom and kindness.

Rising - I think you are right that I had held this secret hope that I would see him change and there would one day be a chance for us again. Even though I knew the chances were slim that he would ever change. It is so heartbreaking to see the potential being wasted in a person you care about. Sober he is so caring, generous and fun, but with the alcohol it is Jekyl/Hyde. Thank you for sharing some of your experiences with me. It does help me to process this in a healthier way.

Bitsy - Thanks for the perspective that a new person would be getting to know the new me. That is a hopeful thought.

China - I did have quite a setback and it shocked me to my core. The truth is that he really does know me better than I know myself. He could see things in my that I was unwilling to see in myself. Sometimes we fought because he was trying to share that with me and I refused to listen, even though he was right about a lot of things. I am really just now trying to get to know myself for the first time and sometimes I feel like Sybil.

I really don't feel like I need a man to complete me, but I do desire to have a relationship one day. Kind of the same way I don't need a new car to complete me, but I would like to have one. It is just that I really have nobody. No friends to speak of, I honestly am the only single person in my family, everyone is either married or in a long-term relationship. they don't really have time for me. There are only so many hours I can spend with myself before I feel like I have a multiple personality disorder from talking to myself. I enjoy conversing with other adults and I miss that while spending so much time alone.

I really don't know where to go to meet people. Our area does not have much to offer. I have spent some time with my sister, her husband and friends, but again they are all married and I fee like a fifth wheel.

You are right about it being more than my weight that repelled men. The weight was just an easier excuse. However, men are visual and if you can't catch their eye it can be hard to get them to talk to you long enough to get to know you. I'm not obessed or anything about meeting a man, actually it doesn't even have to be a man. I just spend so much time alone and would like to have someone to hang out with now and then.

I do deserve love, but when I look back over my life I feel as if I have always been unloveable.

Think I may need to get my books back out and do some reading this weekend.

Thank you to all of you. You will never really know how much your support helps. Hope you are all doing well and have a wonderful weekend. ((((HUGS))))

July 2, 2010
12:19 pm
Avatar
haythere
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 108
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((curious64))))

Sorry to hear you're having a tough go of it the last couple of days. You are making a choice to improve yourself, improve your life.

Your ex got left behind because he wasn't worthy, wasn't willing to work on himself and be the person you think he could be. You won't be over him in 6 months, you may always have a spot in your heart for "what could have been".

Love yourself, continue to take care of yourself. We have to love ourselves first, only then can we find healthy relationships with others. Hang in there, it sounds like you really are doing a great job taking good care of yourself. Life is full of bumps, detours, straight aways and peaks, you just have to keep going.
((((hugs to you))))

July 2, 2010
12:46 pm
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Curious,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in pain.

Him calling you and crying - that made me sad/angry at the same time because of my own experiences. My toxic addiction would ignore me for months and then call because he needed someone - I acted like a mommy. Then I would get all worked up and the silence would begin. I created my own captivity.

As of July 1 - 6 months of no contact. I do think I have it all together and then something will happen and I'll have a crying session but in general, life is better. I'm having more contact with other people - more time because I'm not waiting for his calls.

I'm sharing this so you know you're not alone and that you can create a new life for yourself.

July 2, 2010
1:23 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Curious, over on the Lib side I started a thread called Hurt People Hurt People there are three posts I copied and pasted from articles that helped me. Read them. Please. They are in the first 5 or so posts.

I also had the most wonderful massage yesterday.

Bitsy

July 2, 2010
1:28 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Curious -

You have struggled greatly to achieve peace and move forward with your life, since extricating yourself from this man's deathgrip on your emotional well being.

Now, you are taking his calls and thereby opening up the flood gates to emotional pain, sorrow and regrets? WHOA.

He calls you because he is WORKING you. PLAYING you. It has gotten him what he wants from you for over two decades. WHY ARE YOU TAKING HIS CALLS? You need to decide: stay in contact with him (embracing all the misery and abuse which that entails), so that you can waste MORE years of your life chasing false hope that he will turn into Prince Charming.

Or you can initiate firm and total NO CONTACT with him. Ending the "dance." And allowing yourself to have a chance at REAL happiness, instead of false dreams.

Change your phone number. If you find yourself unwilling to do that, you have chosen to continue chasing the "dream." And that is a path of misery. You know it well. You have lived it for over 20 years.

- Ma Strong

July 2, 2010
1:56 pm
Avatar
curious64
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Heythere - Thank you for the reminder. I am working on me and he is not willing to. I told him last night he should meditate on the phrase, "if you want something different that you have ever gotten, then do something you have never done". He probably won't, but that phrase does help me a lot. Today I am finding some relief in the fact I won't have to worry about running into him while I am sad at the same time, weird huh?

Lanigirl - Sorry to cause you sadness or anger. But I do know what you are talking about. that is how my ex is. I won't hear from him for weeks and then he finds himself down, hurt, scared and he calls me. Thanks for sharing, it helps to know I am not alone. Also, helps to know it is normal to still have some sadness from time-to-time.

Bitsy - Thanks, I will check that out.

Ma - As hard as it is to hear I know you are right. I'm thinking that is why I am so sad about this. I think I realize this is the final step in my relationship with him and the true end has finally arrived. That pain is pretty hard to take even though I know it is for the best.

Thanks again to all of you. It is nice to have a place to come and vent these feelings. Much better than eating a whole bag of candy :0)

July 2, 2010
5:22 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Curious64,

It mad me sad that you think and feel you are unlovable. But I do understand that feelings, I used to feel that myself. And for as long as we believe that ā€“ we will feel that......and it's just not true.

We have managed to find and fall in love with men who are capable of true love and the true is we don't fully understand love ourselves. We often have that magical thinking going on when it comes to love, we tend to use words like, soul mate, we were meant to be together, we are destined to be together, etc. etc.

I agree with rising in that you held false hope that him living so close you would still some how be apart of his life, keeping tabs on him, watching for clues regarding his life. You seem to have known he fired his caregiver, were you in contact with this family that took him in? Sounds like you detached physically from him but not emotionally.

He's still holding you emotionally hostage to HIS needs, HIS wants, HIS complaints, HIS manipulations..................is this what you want?

I also find it amazing that he could pick up a cell phone dial your number but can't light himself a cigarette...........just don't sound right........does it?

He knows he can call you and you will respond. Do you want to take a few more laps in the pool of misery? You and only you can decide that.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 4, 2010
2:46 am
Avatar
curious64
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

atalose - we have friends in common and they informed me he fired his caregiver. Then when he called to tell me he was moving he filled me on the rest.

I realize now I did have some false hope and it was not something I was even aware I was feeling until now.

I hope the day comes where I am recovered enough to enter into a healthy relationship with a man and I know that he will never be that man. It is funny though, that I have this protective feeling about him that is more like a mother to a child than anything romantic. I guess that is because I provided so much physical care for him the last few years.

Due to his overdose his hands are contracted, can't straighten out his finger. He uses his knuckles to dial a cell phone and use a computer, but he does not have the dexterity to use a lighter. Really is sad the state he has gotten himself into. The coma and time spent on a feeding tube wasted his muscle away to nothing. He is just skin and bones really. Sorry, there I go rambling about him again. His situation is just sad even though I know he put himself there. I would not wish his condition on my worst enemy.

I am feeling much better today. Guess just a shock of hearing he was moving out of town hit me hard. Thanks so much to all of you for your support and advice. It really helps to hear things from objective observers.

Have some family drama going on with my sister. She is 4 years younger than me and emotionally is a really bad place. Created some drama for the Holiday, we are all just going ahead and doing our thing without her. I would love to get her to read some of my books, but she would just take it as an insult and feel attacked. Well, it is late so I better get to bed. Thanks again to everyone, you really did help me see things more clearly. ((((hugs)))

July 4, 2010
2:01 pm
Avatar
curious64
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Too all of my AAC friends, I wish each of you a happy and healthy 4th of July!!! (((((hugs))))

July 5, 2010
10:43 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So, how did you spend your Holiday?

- Ma

July 5, 2010
11:02 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Curious64,

Sorry about not knowing his handicap and the comment about the not lighting his own cigarette. I apologize and I should know better then to make a snap judgment like that.

Glad you are feeling better and sorry there was drama with your sister but you seem to have been able to work right through that and that's great.

I think many UN-recovered codies act like a mother figure in their relationships, often taking on all the responsibilities of a responsible adult while their partners act immature and irresponsible. After all someone has to pay the bills, buy the food, wash the clothes, clean the house, etc.

We often end up in relationships where our role becomes, mother, baby sitter, guardian, keeper ā€“ when we begin our stalking/un-trusting behaviors ā€“ pretty much everything BUT gf, wife, lover and equal partner.

We have bad pickers, our radars don't pick up those red flags. It's like the yellow light, instead of slowing down ā€“ we speed up to get through the intersection before it turns red. We do the same with relationships, when that yellow (caution) light flashes at us, we tend to want to speed things up, secure the relationship, grab, trap, snare them before someone else does.

We often welcome unemployed partners into our homes where we end up in the landlord role with an unruly non paying tenant. We often want their approval so much we take on the role of banker, emptying our our bank accounts while they drink/drug ā€“ get involved with other woman. We want our needs to be met so bad, we take on the role of physiologist to fix them, mend them, repair them. We take on the role of investigator, looking for clues to prove our instincts wrong.

We need to learn about ourselves first and for most, we need to understand why we tend to pick unavailable partners and what we can do so we don't repeat that process. We need to forgive ourselves for our poor choices and then learn from it and get on with our lovely lives!!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 5, 2010
3:40 pm
Avatar
hillbillygirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Curious64,

Sounds like your heart and your head are at odds with one another...that is always a difficult place to be-and dangerous. It's so easy to let our hearts lead us even when our head is telling us that we are on dangerous ground. We know what we are doing will lead us down the pathway to disaster and yet, we fail to head the warning signs.

It is so easy to go back the way you've come rather than blazing a new trail forward. It's familiar and we know all the curves, the hills, and the potholes...but if we only travel the path we know, we miss out on the discovery of new landscapes, new views, and new experiences. Every part of our journey is valuable and the people that were a part of it as well. Some people we pass along the way, others walk with us a while only to go their own way when we come to a fork in the road, and others-rare others, serve as our roadmaps and our guides as we go.

To think that you don't care about a person who has been in your life so long is unrealistic. It's ok to still care about him; however, if being in your life in any way inhibits your personal growth, doesn't give back to you in the way that you deserve, or causes you heartache instead of joy, then it's ok for him not to be a part of that life.

Also, pity or compassion for someone who played such a large role in your past journey can often be mistaken for love. Take some time and really digest what it is that you are truly feeling for him before you make any decisions about seeing him or even talking to him again.

You are not responsible for him and it sounds like he may not have exactly the life wants given his disability, but he's not living on the street either. He knows exactly how to work your emotions to get what he wants out of you. Just as I'm sure you know him equally as well. You may want to also examine the historic dynamic of your relationship before making your final decision about how YOU choose to proceed with this person. Just remember it's YOUR choice to make free from manipulation, free from guilt, free from pity, free from anyone's needs but your own.

We all deserve to be loved and it sounds like you are taking some very positive steps for yourself at this difficult time. Be strong in yourself and remember that it's ok to do what is best for you.

July 5, 2010
11:51 pm
Avatar
curious64
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ma - Spent a nice weekend celebrating with my mom, dad, kids, brother and his family. Wish my sister could have come with her family, but it is what it is. Thanks for asking.

Atalose - no need to apologize, I was in no way offended by your comments. Your words about us codies was right on the money for me. Learning new behavior is not easy, but I am working on it moment by moment.

Hillbillygirl - Thanks for commenting. I appreciate the understanding you have for my situation. My head and heart have battled this issue for years and I think my head is finally winning.

Thanks to you all for helping me. I need all of the support I can get while traveling this recovery road. It is a new path and at times scary, but I'm trying to get the hang of it.

Work is coming early so I better catch some z's. ((((HUGS))))

July 6, 2010
7:14 pm
Avatar
curious64
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hope you are all doing well this fine Tuesday. Really hot where I am and it is making me cranky.

Overall, though I am doing better. Not feeling so sad and learning more everyday about how to live this new life I am creating.

Just wanted to take a moment to thank you all again and tell you how much I appreciate all of you.

Hope you have a wonderful rest of the week.

July 7, 2010
2:25 am
Avatar
chinadoll
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 193
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi curious,

I am glad to hear that you are doing better and that you had a good holiday, despite not having your sister to be a part of it.

I understand what you meant earlier when you talked about feeling like a fifth wheel. During the holiday, I got together at a pool party with my sister and her family and my brother and his family, along with some friends of my brother's and their families.

I don't have children of my own, and my boyfriend lives on the East Coast & I am currently living on the West Coast while I finish school. My boyfriend has a 13 yr old son, but I only see him when I go back east to visit with them.

So, everyone at this pool party--except for me-- was with their wife/husband and they all have children ranging from 16 yrs to 3 months. Talk about feeling out of place. I made the best of it, but I was pretty bored after a while. I did not know these other friends of my brother's. I talked with them some, but we did not have things in common to talk about. Everyone seemed to be talking about their kids and I felt left out.

It's too bad there aren't many places you can go to meet people. I actually like to spend time in the library, I love reading books. I have some friends that I visit with, but everyone is so busy.

And I do know what you mean about talking to yourself when you're alone in the house. I tell myself, at least I don't have someone to argue with me!! šŸ™‚

July 7, 2010
8:29 am
Avatar
curious64
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Chinadoll - thanks for taking a moment to comment. I can totally sympathize with the 5th wheel thing. Really can be a downer.

I was watching tv last evening and on the show Reba one of her kids was talking to her about getting back into the dating pool and then rephrased and said, "at you age mom, the pool is actually a puddle, you have a dating puddle". That is kind of what it feels like at 46 when I think about dating.

It is really remarkable that you are able maintain your long distance relationship. I'm sure you will be quite happy when you are finally able to be together.

Well, I am at work and better get back to it. have a wonderful day.

July 7, 2010
8:58 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Been there girls. Last night I almost got an eharmony account then back out. I was alone and lonely. It comes and goes like the eb and flow of the ocean.

Bitsy

July 7, 2010
9:12 am
Avatar
curious64
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy - Isn't it funny how that works. Some days you can be just going along great and then others, WHAM! right in the face the loneliness stares you down.

I have learned that some things really set off the loneliness, watching romantic movies (which I love), love songs on the radio, hanging out with happy couples. Those type of things just seem to magnify it for me. I turn the channel, change the staion and don't hang out much with happy couples so that I can try to limit the emotional downturn. I know I probably need to learn to start dealing with it rather than avoiding it, but for now that is what works for me.

I hear people on here say they are alone and happy with it, that they love themselves etc. I think I can be in love with myself and still get lonely from time-to-time. I work in an office and spend most of the work day alone, then when I come home again I am alone. Sometimes I just need some human interaction. Maybe in time I will find the loneliness happening less and less.

In the meantime ladies we can come here and share our feelings with others who understand and not feel so alone in this world. I am thankful for all of you.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
35
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110914
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38536
Posts: 714200
Newest Members:
Striker1s, marcusz, Keara, Venn, Jolebio, loni89
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer