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Really having issues with the controlling STBX
February 4, 2007
9:05 pm
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moving0n
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September 24, 2010
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I really need help in dealing with him. I get sucked in to his garbage way to easily.

Today I called to see when he'd be bringing the kids home. He began insisting that we "sit down and talk". I told him that wouldn't happen unless there was a really good reason for it. I just try to avoid him as best I can.

Turns out he hacked into my old computer that he has been preventing me from getting from the house. In doing so he found some "objectionable emails". He also told me that he "knows' that I've been playing an online video game that he claims I'm addicted to and as such he is assured that I am neglecting the kids.

Sadly, I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I explained the emails, defended myself and my parenting (again) and got drawn into an hour long "conversation" about why we couldn't "work it out". I'm going about this all wrong.

I can't believe that we've been living apart for 2 months, been separated physically and emotionally for over a year, and he's still working so hard to control me. And I fall for it.

February 5, 2007
8:25 pm
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moving0n
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Maybe it's odd to respond to my own post. It runs the risk of turning into a blog (j/k).

But I have been revisitng the scene from yesterday in my mind and I realized what an adrenaline rush it was for me to get into the debate with the STBX. Another fight, another chance to show him how wrong he is etc etc. I know I speak about being dragged into it etc, but in retrospect I jumped into the ring willingly. He baited me and I took it willingly. So it's breaking that pattern that I need to focus on. I try to limit contact as much as possible with the shared parenting situation, but he is always casting a line.

I guess today i see that he is way out of line in hacking into my computer no matter what his rationale was. I also realize that all this time that he was refusing me access to the marital home to get my things I was wondering how long it would take for him to hack into my computer, so in a way i guess I enabled it. I don't know how or where I will learn new skills for coping with this sort of thing, but I sure hope that I do.

February 5, 2007
9:05 pm
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mj
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Hi Moving on! I know its nice to have support. Sometimes I talk to myself too 😉 I find for myself that I am a reactor. Not an actor. I get sucked in so easily with my sensitivity to my husbands remarks. My brother says I just need to grow a thicker skin. Right.

How can he refuse you access to your personal property? An atty. might be able to help you there. Its a little late for him invading your privacy but at least you could get your personal property which is yours. My step-daughter got permission to remove all her property from her home and then waited a year and a half for her divorce. I sympathize with your frustration. Why did you state you felt like you enabled him to hack into your computer?

February 5, 2007
9:55 pm
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moving0n
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Well, my lawyer suggested that even though it is within my rights to go get my things from the house I should not do so. The reasoning is that we are supposedly working on a collaborative law process and it's a sign of good faith that I comply with his wishes and not enter the house.

I guess I feel like not pushing harder to get my things and knowing full well that there was potential for him to do something whacko like hack into my old computer I did sort of enable him. My thinking can be pretty skewed, so maybe this is out in left field but... if you have a pretty good idea that someone will do something objectionable and you don't take stronger measures to prevent it from happening, that is enabling in a sense.

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