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really feeling blue tonight, could use some encouragement
September 13, 2005
12:00 am
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exoticflower
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Hi. This post may seem a bit jumbled, I'm having some problems defining exactly what the deal is, I just have this very sad feeling inside, like a pang of depression, maybe. I had a good day in therapy, as ever doing well with no needless contact, and even realizing how very much contact is needless. I think it's just the reality of everything sinking in..that there is no really good guy that i fell in love with under this layer of abuse, that he is an abuser and there is no gonig back, that there will never be a surprise ending where he gets help and we can share our family as I always wanted. And where even if there was we could ever be happy after what has happened. Iam realizing just how much hard work is ahead of me, and I am really letting go. And sometimes that feels really good, but tonight it just makes me so sad. He abused me terribly, and there is noting I can do to make that go away. He did the damage, he betrayed me, I was unhealthy and lended to it with my own dysfunction, it was all a lie and a dysfunctional rollercoaster, and that is that. Sometimes when the truth seems so final like this it just leaves me feeling really glum, even though I want what is best and all told I really do feel healthier, and really am growing. I guess I am just feelinga sort of childish longing for my dreams to replace my reality and at the same time a healthy adult desire to never look back...and even along with that a really responsible acceptance of what the reality is and how great it is. Does that make sense?

September 13, 2005
12:01 am
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exoticflower
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I should note that I was feeling pretty chipper earlier, this just sort of sunk in and is sitting uncomfortably right in the middle of my chest.

September 13, 2005
12:07 am
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depressionsucks78
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ef~

i'm sorry that i can't stick around to chat more, i have to go to work, but i hope that you feel better, and good for you for realizing that you are depressed. that is a good thing, and a step in the right direction. even if it is a small step.

gotta go for now, hugs to you.

~ds78

September 13, 2005
12:23 am
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exoticflower
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I think I found my trigger here..posted on another thread about how refusing the abuse has really set me free, quoted an adrianne rich line-"you begin speaking out, and a great gust of freedom rushes in with your words"...but the line right after it really rings true now...at the time I just glanced over it, but in this instance I guess it jsut was the natural next progression in my own situation, and couldn't be more fitting-"yet still you speak in the shattered language of partial vision".

Maybe I should skip on poetry after 8:00?

September 13, 2005
4:06 am
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Exoticflower-

Last night when I was talking to my sister we were wondering "does anyone ever write poetry when they are feeling GOOD? (or not high or half crazed)" LOL. Those lines are good ones though, and your posts are definitely something I understand, even if our circumstances are factually different in ways.

Everything you said makes sense to me. That feeling of mourning. Mourning something that you wonder ever existed in the first place. It leaves you guessing and questioning yourself and all there is that you know to be true.

But though "feelings aren't facts" they are real. And they were strong once and there was hope once. When that hope dies it really really hurts like death.

I don't believe that you cannot love people who are incapable of loving you back. And I do believe it's nearly impossible to know exactly what is in another person's heart even though you must protect yourself from their actions. You are right in blaming him for his abuse and realize you are not the cause. It is good to hear that though you are taking care of yourself and are prepared for much work ahead, you are not blaming yourself for your suffering.

I don't believe that there is something inherently wrong with a person for not seeing what they are getting into until it's painful to get out of it. You may heal faster than you expect. There is no science to this.

In the meantime, love your daughter, love yourself. And do what you do here which is sharing your kindness and wisdom with others. Personally, for whatever my opinion as an anonymous stranger is worth- you sound like you are doing a lot, and that you are doing very well. You might FEEL lousy at times, but that is precisely why you should pat yourself on the back. Because despite that you are down- you sound like a hell of a mom, you love, protect and provide for your child, you sound creative in your pursuits and are always here with a kind words of wisdom or cheer for others.

I know what you mean about wanting your dreams to be reality, and it's not so childish. If adult didn't have that impulse they wouldn't care about anything, their pursuits would be limited and they would never evolve as individuals or we as a society. Dreams and reality have a relationship that is symbiotic if that makes sense. It would be childish if you couldn't differentiate between the two, but you are not childish for wanting your dreams to become reality. It's just hard to realize that some of them will only be that- just dreams.

Some feelings don't go away. But they hurt you less. You will hurt a lot less someday. But as someone who seems like such a deeply sensitive person, you will look back on this time of your life and feel sadness. Right now you are fresh in the wake of it. You WILL get your bearings and move on.

I'm not telling you one thing you probably don't already know. It's late and I"m in droning mode. Sorry if I make no sense. just wanted to send my cares and hopes that you feel better.

It's not you. You're doing fine. You got hurt, you are injured and you are in pain. That's natural. We're here for you.

love and hugs,
ella

September 13, 2005
4:09 am
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Neshema
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so here you guys are. I was wondering why u abandoned me. 🙁

September 13, 2005
5:12 am
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revelation
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Hi All,

EF, so sorry your feeling down...you are an inspiration to me with what you have been through, I hope you are feeling better today.

Ella...wow...that last night just hit me

"It's not you. You're doing fine. You got hurt, you are injured and you are in pain. That's natural. We're here for you. "

Thanks....yeh, I'm feeling, I'm sad, I'm heartbroken....thats normal, thanks for pointing that out...I keep feeling like I'm the dysfunctional one!

September 13, 2005
11:12 am
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exoticflower
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I am, Rev, thank you. I think it just gets a little more intense when I am alone in the dark house really focusing on it--I expected a serene sort of calm to wash over me with acceptance, an etherial sense of peace and tranquility to glow from deep within me, people stopping on the streets and thinking "That woman is truly one with herself". Turns out it's more of a post how strange acceptance is, have a glass of old wine and go to sleep with your makeup on sort of experiance instead...I feel free, but now with this freedom I ma standing here saying "um, so...free, eh?" I just don't know what to do with myself, where to start dreaming now--like I've left the prison and now I have no plan, just to sit on the doorstoop and try to figure something out. I had no plan beyond acceptance, I guess.

(((ella))), thank you so much! It's nice to hear reasurance, and I think you are right that it isn't childish or childlike, rather, to want the dreams...I just have to choose my dremas carefully, something i think will happen naturally as I become more healthy. I suppose I will miss the passion and intensity though, or the Drama if I want to be honest with myself about what it is...that's one of the unhealthy parts that i know there isn't room for in my life anymore, but it was the thing he offered me until the line between passion, hysteria and nightmare progressively blurred into each other and got harder to tell apart. If that makes any sense, I think I'm still a little babbling myself, I know the thoughts but am having a difficult time finding language for them. I suppose acceptance is an abstract sensation?

Anyway, thanks you guys...I just sort of thought myself into a funk, feeling better today.

September 13, 2005
12:24 pm
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mj
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I do that at times too, thinking myself into a funk.

Glad that you are feeling better today.

September 14, 2005
11:20 am
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2bstrong
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Hi there exotic,

I wanted to respond to this the other day, but I have been busy, and somewhat out-of-sorts myself lately.

The one thought of encouragement that I have to offer is that this is all part of the healing and growing process. The highs and the LOWS, it's all part of the package. I feel that in my pain and sadness is when I get the most insight and clarity. I have been crying quite a bit lately. I have said it before--anger and sadness in my experience are "tail-chasers". If I get angry, then I know for a fact sadness will follow.

I remember kc saying that even after a year, she would still get angry and sad bursts. It is all a part of the grieving/mourning process. It doesn't matter that you are mourning something that some would say never existed. It was a hope and a dream for you, just as mine was. I so badly wanted ex to be the man for me. So yes, we grieve the loss of our hopes and dreams, often more deeply than physical loss.

I think you are doing better today, as I have read your posts. You are a wonderful person, exotic. You have a knack for putting into words the deepest feelings. That is a gift, and I thank you.

Love to you--2b

September 14, 2005
4:08 pm
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Exoticflower-

How are you feeling lately?

hugs,
ella

September 14, 2005
4:48 pm
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Rasputin
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((((Sweet Flower)))))

Honey, I will post a thread about Depression soon, just give me some time.

Remember as women we are prone to depression twice as much as men. I am too esp around my PMS. So, if you're PMS soon or due within 1 week, pessimism sets in and all the negative thinking and lies stick to your mind. Do not give them a chance.

Take good care of your health, Vitamin B complex is very good for stress. Eat healthy food, plenty of water, take brisk walk, read motivating spiritual books. I have a motivating spiritual book which I take with me everywhere I go. I take brisk walk almost every day, even if to grocery store. Watch funny movie, Whoopi Goldberg makes me laugh a lot. I know whenever I was depressed, I would pop in movie by her and all my depression would be gone.

I hope I was helpful to you sweetie!

BTW, my kitty gives me so much joy, yours should as well.

(((Hugs)))

September 15, 2005
9:04 pm
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Rasputin
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((((Sweet Flower))))

How you doing today? How is the blues tonight? I hope you're feeling better by now honey. With Jigs party and all of us being together (Just imagine), you'd probably feel better.

Please reassure me. I will watch this thread for sometime and then turn in and check in tomorrow.

((((Sweet Dreams))))

September 15, 2005
9:13 pm
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exoticflower
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((((thanks))))! I'm fine now, still sort of longing for him at times, but I really do feel like I am at a point of acceptance and honesty with myself about why I am so blue lately. And it's subsiding...Really feeling the love in these posts, btw, and it helps SO MUCH! Healing takes time, and my therapist described times like this as being like a phantom limb...when you lose a limb you will sometimes feel it there for a moment and then have some pangs of depression and mourning again even years after you have healted and are at peace or starting to get there...loss is loss, and you feel it stronger sometimes, end of story.

Actually, Ras, I just had my period, but I am extended nursing my daughter, and every time she weens a bit more off of it, my hormones do take a brief dip...plus, I have been thinking back to my severest point of postpartum depression (it got very bad for a bit there) and how his abuse contributed to it, I think that brings back a lot of longing for a different experiance than I got. But I love my daughter, my life without him, who I am finding in myself again...I'm ok, really. I guess that's part of it too...all I've been through, and WOW, I'm actually ok. SOrt of anticlimatic?!

September 15, 2005
9:14 pm
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exoticflower
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And sweet dreams to you too, Ras! I knew there would be some bluberry cake involved, and you sure didn't let me down!

September 15, 2005
10:13 pm
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Hey EF, sorry I haven't been around the last few days, I tell you this X of mine is going to drive me right up the wall or into a rubber room....
Now that I'm figuring out how he plays me, this thing is getting seriously comical(in a strange way.
I too have those "funk" moments, I call them my "blue period" and I allow myself to obsess, whine, moan, cry, just be sad, wear sad clothes, listen to sad music, etc...you get the idea. After a while of doing this, my inner self slaps me and as Cher put it~ "SNAP OUT OF IT"
I realize that enough is enough and I've greived,mourned and allowed myself this moment but the moment and he(the cause of all of this) need to both move on. My soon to be X emailed me the other day and I swear this is the truth-ASKED ME NOT TO DISCUSS THE DIVORCE WITH HIM BECAUSE IT MADE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE!!!! I about fell out of my chair when I read it. He leaves me for another woman,breaks MY heart, files for divorce and we can't talk about it??? What a crock! So now it's shhhh don't say the "D" word..LOL
I hope this sad but TRUE tale from my world cheers you up. (((EF)))
IC Gold

September 15, 2005
10:29 pm
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exoticflower
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((((IC)))), I hear you loud and clear, but I say SHOUT the D word loud and clear!

Sometimes it's more depressing seeing them for who they really are, seeing the games for the absurdity they are than it was when I first realized that he wasn't what I thought!

September 16, 2005
8:10 pm
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Gonna have the word DIVORCED inked to my head and cut my bangs so everyone can see it.

I know what you mean when you finally REALLY see them for what and who they are, you know my deal with "R" and how hard that was to realize!!

It makes me doubt myself somewhat to see him how he is now and wonder "did I do that to him? or was I blind to how he really was???" but then I just think of him leaving me for the other woman and pat myself on the back and tell me "I'm gonna be OK".

shhh, I suspect from the way he's acting that he's thinking that the grass and ass WASN"T better on the other side of the fence!! All I have to say is TOO DAMN BAD! He should have thought of that 8 months ago~before he broke my heart. but I'm thinking this may be the best thing thats ever happened to me~everyday I feel a bit stronger, the sads don't come as often or last as long, don't get me wrong, I still have them.

I start my 13 week divorce recovery workshop this Sunday-can't wait!

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