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really confused
October 18, 2005
9:33 am
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tornheart
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my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years, I moved across the country for him. He now travels more and more each year, I have no one here except my daughter, my problem is I have been married twice and I can no trust if my life depended on it, My anxiety is out of control, its threatening my life with the way I feel. I can't even work and when I leave the house I just break out in a very sick feeling. Someone told me I am co-dependant on my boyfriend...how do I get control of the way I am feeling? help

October 18, 2005
9:49 am
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LovingTooMuch
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Moving across country will help... Not talking to him will help. I know the feeling only I can't leave and he everywhere. I feel alone and sad most of the time. But, I got a job at a restarant that playing lots of music and its very busy so I don't even think about him until bed time. He has been my world for 10 years and has decided he needed more. I spent the first 4 months just simply crying all the time then I just had to stop to it and put me first. Because he doesn't care or love me like he used too.... All I had is him. I have no family to speak of. My I swear the job helps...

October 18, 2005
10:00 am
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tornheart
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I don't know where to go now, my daughter is an adult now and has started her own life here. I have a allergy that is causing me grief in life as well, METAL allergy. I work for a agency, they are having a hard time placing me. My boyfriend has supported us for at least 3 years now. I am scared to death right now of how I am feeling, lonelyness, worthlessness, and hate for myself because I use to not be so terrified of life.Thanks for your words tornheart, just knowing theres someone who feels like me is helpful.Just wish I new what avenue to take, I really love this guy but I am scared to just get a move on in my own life. I can't believe I still have tears after all this time. He drinks when he comes home, until he goes to bed ...Beer... nothing wrong with that I suppose, I just feel it consumes him. Hes always meeting other women when hes out of town, he talks endlessly of his adventures, but in 8 years, since I moved I have no real friends here,working for a agency doesn't give you that opportunity. am I just stupid??

October 18, 2005
10:11 am
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mrdibbs
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Hello tornheart.
Im so sorry you are feeling such anguish.You do not say how long you have lived in your area.Is your daughter at school or play group yet?If so perhaps you could ask some of the other Mums to your home for coffee mornings,its a good way to make new friends then you wont feel so isolated.

Regarding the situation with your partner,have you explained to him how you feel? I think you need to speak to him and maybe he can give you some reassurance.In the meantime stay with this site as there are some lovely,warm and loving people to listen and give you their advice.

We all have our insecurities one way or another you are not alone.Keep talking.

October 18, 2005
10:22 am
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Anonymous
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tornheart.

I relate to what you said - that you moved for the wrong reasons.

I am in the same boat.

so I have a semi-long term goal (I say semi long term because short term in my language is under a month - anything over a month is long term - I'm working on changing, but for now, that's how I operate)

Anyway - my long term goal is to find a job someplace else - and it will require a long commute - and then save up enough to move to an area closer to that job - but to research that area and make sure it meets all my needs.

the short term goal is to ENJOY where I am now - which means making my home someplace I enjoy. I have been living out of boxes and not putting curtains and such up cuz I knew I wasn't staying long. Instead, I want my time there to be enjoyable. I am also looking around me and seeing what I can participate in that will make me enjoy my community as much as I can.

so - my answer to you would be - see if you can make the most out of where you are at - meet people - get out of the house - find things to occupy you - take the focus off of him and his life and direct it back to you - take the energy you focus on him and focus it on you.

and work on putting some money away until you can move back home if that's what you wish...work of figuring out what you want and how to get it. But don't make the plan about what you want from him - cuz most likely you won't get it - make it about you now.

it is hard - I know how frustrated you are - but there is a way out - you just have to want to succeed and be willing to try.

go to http://www.coda.org to find a codependent anonymous group in your area - it's free and the support and recovery there is INvaluable. I don't know what I would do without it. And I travel 75 mins each way to get to mine - had an accident on the way there a week ago and STILL go - nothing is stopping me.

October 18, 2005
10:30 am
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mrdibbs
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tornheart.

Sorry,my message crossed with your last one.So your Daughter is grown up,that out rules the Mums at school then.Or does it?Maybe the local schools need helpers some do from time to time.I really feel you have to take charge of your own life,Your daughter has,so this is your time now.Try to join in as many groups as you can ie,Cake decorating,Painting,Dancing etc,Have you considered going back to college,night school to study,Creative writing course.Anything to get you out so you can meet people again ,believe me it will do wonders for your self esteem.

As for your metal allergy i have the same.I break out in the most painful,itchy rash so i dont wear jewelry,unless its gold,HA.I have to cover buttons on jeans and clips on my bras.And you are definetly not stupid!!!!You just need to find a life of your own.(((((HUGS)))))

October 18, 2005
10:53 am
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tornheart
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Thank You all for responding, it truely helps me hearing from real people with real helpful solutions.

Have you ever just been so terrified to go out and try anything? or even just go outside your house? That is how I feel, My daughter is in college and is getting her life in order, and it kills me she is seeing me like this. I can't seem to get dressed anymore or even care, just the thought of going outside my home right now terrifies me. To be honest I had a job to go to this morning through the agency but I called it in, I was shaking so bad and scared, all I think about is "my boyfriend and what is going on in his business life" Once in a while I can travel with him but its not frequent, My real problem is I can't get a handle on his travel more than anything and its consumed my fears/emotions/life.
Sometimes he travels to places and he stays for 1-2 weeks. HE gets alot of down time, so he can see the sites and do whatever. That is the part I can not handle. I traveled 3000 miles away from everyone I knew for this man I only knew 8 months. I haven't found one thing easy since I moved to this place. I also left a daughter behind because she did not want to come with me, shes now a mother of two kids. I feel I failed her, more so myself, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about this, but then he turns the tables and makes it sound like I am blaming him.
He traveled before I moved here but only like 3 times a year, Last her he went 13 times for weeks at a time.
This has consumed me bad, the fears, I know have health issues and I am really afraid I am killing ME.
I have seeked help for this, but its months of a waiting list, and I have a long time to go before I get to the top.
I have been insecure my whole life.

What is wrong with me?

October 18, 2005
11:21 am
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mrdibbs
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tornHeart.

This man of yours seems very selfish to me and it is obviously tearing you apart.You maybe need to see your Doctor he can help you perhaps with the panic attacks you are obviously experiencing.Explain to your daughter that you would appreciate it if she could maybe go along with you if you feel you cant go alone.Ask your doctor if he/she can hurry the help you need along,sometimes you have to be forceful to get what you obviously need.

Are you still in touch with your other daughter?If not would or could you get in contact with her?I really think you need to build your life up again.Your H.has obviously got his life as has your Daughter.What about you?WHAT ABOUT YOU!!!

October 18, 2005
11:33 am
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tornheart
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mrdibbs- since I have lived where I am living keeping a family doctor seems to be impossible. I have gone from one to another to 7 since I have been here. Everytime I get one they end up leaving and moving out of family practice or just moving. I have done the doctor search, and I know this might sound bad, but if I can't pronounce their name, I do not go to them. I feel my boyfriend is extremely selfish but he tells me this is his job and its what keeps us going.I was an anxiety pills but when I went to get a refill, the doctor had once again been changed. This doctor told me it was in my head and I needed to grow up.
Yes I am still intouch with my daughter, we just live now in two different provinces.
Your right my boyfriend has gone on with his life, it just seems its without me more. He doesn't know how to differ between work and his personal relationship, it all comes back to money with him.

I don't know how to move on, how to get pasted this feeling of being scared and alone. Hes out of town now and its got me frecked out.
I have never thought of what I want, I have always had someone else to worry about.

I really have no idea what I want!!!!

October 18, 2005
11:56 am
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kathygy
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tornHeart,

I once had a period of time when I was terrified of going outside of the house. I think its called agraphobia. One day I had to re-new my driver's liscense which required me to go out of the house. I had to use the bus but I did it because of my desire for my drivers' liscense. I found out I survived and was O.K. So that seemed to break it for me. It built my confidence.

You said " He drinks when he comes home, until he goes to bed ...Beer... nothing wrong with that I suppose, I just feel it consumes him." If that consumes him it is a big problem! He doesn't have anything to give you. No wonder you are unhappy.

It sounds like you need to build up your confidence and self esteem. I think attending 12-step meetings could help you a lot with that and its free.

You can start by turning around that negative self talk and stop putting yourself down and stop being angry at yourself. You are suffering and having a very hard time right now. That calls for love and tenderness for yourself. If you're feeling depressed its harder to feel good about yourself and feel hopeful.

Try being your own best friend. Take care of you and put the focus on you and off your boyfriend who is providing you with next to nothing emotionally.

You deserve a full relationship with a man that treats you with love and respect all of the time. Take a good hard look at this relationship. Are you getting ANY of your needs met?
You might want to consider leaving this relationship but meanwhile build yourself a support network by attending meetings. You can find contact names for meetings on the internet. It might help you to talk to the contact person to get support before you actually go to the meeting.

Keep writing here too.

love,
kathy

October 18, 2005
12:44 pm
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tornheart
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Kathy,

Thank you so much, I agree I need to get some self esteem and confidence, I haven't really ever had those.

People come over to our home and have no idea there is anything wrong with the way I feel, my house is spotless, and all seesm so well.I feel like I am living in a closet.

My boyfriend admits hes not sensitive at all, has no romantic bone in his body, and he thinks money is the root of happiness, and I feel its the root of evilness as he travels to make his money.

I know I have to get strong, and at parts of the day I feel really strong, and at other times of the day I feel really weak. But when it comes to going to a job, I panic, I feel sick, and I talk myself out of going. I go with my daughter out to the store and I am okay for the first maybe 10 minutes then I get this weak feeling along with sickness, everything around me becomes fuzzy, this even happens when I am at a job, I get panic attacks and I know it.

Your probably right about me not getting anything from him when he drinks. Can't talk to someone about whats bothering them when their drinking ...its never a good time.
He hates to talk about us or feelings. I guess I have just put all this on the back burner.

I really need to find a way to get a bit of a cold heart, I know that sounds bad.

Kathy your right about alot of what you say, I really need to take sometime and become my own friend, or at least like me.

In 8 years I thought we would of talked about our relationship, but nothing, this is a NEED that is never met.
I NEED to feel loved unconditional.
I NEED to feel like I am more important than his job, but he always says without his job there wouldn't be us. ( that hurts)
I guess I just feel I sacrificed alot for him, why can't he for me. This relationship is suppose to be two people...

He tells me he shows me how much he loves me by all the stuff hes put in this place, washer/dryer/dishwasher/ roof over head.

Maybe I am just incrediably insensitive

Thank you so much again

Hugs
Tornheart

October 18, 2005
1:26 pm
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Anonymous
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torn,

I have a story to tell you -

I met my BF online in march 2004. His profile listed him as living on hour from me - well, maybe as the crow flies, but not in real life - was more like two hours.

In any case, neither of us thought we wanted a relationship, so figured we would meet anyway, no harm, no foul, we could meet on occasion if we hit it off - for fun.

well, we hit it off - and before long, he was commuting two hours each way to see me on a regular basis.

I couldn't go to his home because his ex wife lived downstairs from him and the divorce wasn't in the works yet and he didn't want to jeopardize losing everything. Sounds fishy, but in the end, it was the truth.

so anyway.

two weeks into our relationship he asked me to marry him - down on one knee and everything - asked my best friend's permission - the works. No, not ring, no date - just asked. giddy with excitement, I said yes. after all, there was still a year before the divorce COULD be final, so I had time to back out if I didn't want to later on.

anyway - the commute got to be alot of stress - financially and physically. So we talked about getting a place to live. I told him I would give up EVERYTHING for him and move to his area - all he had to do was find us a suitable and affordable place to live. Well, that wasn't possible because of his finances. So, the only other option was him moving here. So, he agreed to it, but was not thrilled with it. I adapt to change easily, he does not.

It took many many many many months for this plan to go into effect - and every damn time we hit an obstacle, I would threaten to leave him if he didn't move NOW - I figured it was proof if he loved me or not. I saw his not moving as a rejection. I saw his not moving as a sign he didn't truly love me as much as I loved him. He said he wanted it, so why wasn't he making it happen???? The reality was, he didn't want to move - but yet he didn't want to lose me.

So, he finally moved.

But - he didn't give up his job and his career dreams that were back home in his home town. So every day he commutes two hours each way to his job. And he is trying to make it big in real estate there too.

And every day he left, I felt abandoned and lost. I didn't trust him. I called him frequently. I begged him to give it all up and have a job here, close to home. I tried all kinds of negotiations. But he wouldn't give it up. His dreams would make us a nice living and he wanted to keep doing it - not give it up - not feel like he was failing it.

I felt so insecure about all of it. I felt jealous of his job and career and the time it took away from us. I resented it.

I felt if I was willing to give it all up, why shouldn't he??????

well, the reality is - NOBODY should ask ANYBODY to give up their career, their dreams, their way of life. If you choose this partner, you get the whole package - including his career, his dreams and his goals. As you grow together, some of those dreams and goals may change to fit the relationship. But in the end, it is selfish to ask someone to give up their career if it pays the bills and such.

NOW - what is not selfish is when you ask for you needs to be met when he IS home. That is balance.

He has this career when you met - you can't change that. You can tell him that his traveling leaves you alone too much - and you miss him - but if he isn't willing to change it - you can't push it.

I think that you are jealous of his job and insecure about being home alone. I also think he is not meeting your needs when he is home - if he is just coming home and drinking.

is the drinking a new thing? sometimes people drink to cover up the pain - do you know what his pain is?

my BF ended up cheating on me - I wish he would have picked up the bottle instead sometimes - but in the end, the affair was easier to put down than a bottle...so I guess I can be grteful. But I am not - he cheated. And the reason he cheated was he wasn't happy with our relationship and the stress level. He became friends with someone he already knew online and then it developed into something more. I found out because she contacted me asking if our relationship was over like he said it was (she had my address because he was fond of sending mass emails to all his friends and she figured out who I was).

Anyway - it was NO excuse for cheating. But since we know what drove him to it - my irrational behaviour and the stress I was putting on us, and our fighting - we are working on fixing it. My codependency was at the center of it all.

I am not saying he cheated cuz of me - but we fought cuz of my irrational demands. It takes two to fight - so we were both at fault. He could have and should have communicated better with me.

so we are working on changing that.

but it's his choice to work on it with me, because he wants to change.

but he isn't giving up his career or his job - and I am learning to accept it and not be so insecure - and not be so jealous - and lately I am doing okay - I don't freak when I don't hear from him all day and I don't play detective to find out what he is doing and where he is going and when he will be home. he has a job and when he gets home, he will be home. When he gets home, he is THERE, WITH me, in the moment, enjoying our family together - so I can't complain.

I think you might want to find a therapist who can address your panic/anxiety attacks. Then I think it might help to go to coda meetings. That is where I learned the art of letting go and stop obsessing. That is where I found support when I needed it most. I think that you may see your relationship get better if you find a "life" of your own and stop depending on him to be home and stop wanting him to quit his job. I would also suggest therapy for both of you - but if he won't go, you can't force him either.

You aren't insensitive - you are codependent.

go to the library and get codependent no more by melody beattie - that truly hit home for me....the language of letting go by the same author was great too....you can get them at amazon.com if you can't leave the house for now.

I think that you see his job as materialistic - and perhaps it is - but I think you resent it MORE because he is out of the house doing it - and not home with you...I know I used to think my BF was an alcoholic and that he worked too much and put too much focus on money. Once he was with me, he slowly evolved and realized it wasn't all about money...now he wants to have a good living, but wont' sacrifice family time to have it....he knows there is a balance needed....and once I realized I was jealous of his job - then I was able to open myself up to the idea that it would be good to have more money in the household and more financial security than what we have now.

it's all about balance...and right now, you are unbalanced - you moved out there for all the wrong reasons - and you are stuck - and don't know how to get out - the first step is recognizing the problem and admitting it - the next step is reaching out and finding the right kind of help.

I understand your point about finding a doctor you can pronounce - but - many doctors are american with a foreign family name - they speak english as well as you and I - and are equally as educated. I went to four doctors for my stomach issues - and the last one was a foreign doctor, and he spoke with a heavy middle eastern accent - was hard to understand - but he was GOOD - and had me healed in days. My ob/gyn is foreign too - and he is the best in town and people are crying over his upcoming retirement. Don't discount doctors because of their name. You never know what kind of help you might be missing out on.

sorry for rambling - just hoped my story could help you in some way.

October 18, 2005
2:22 pm
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tornheart
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Thanks alicat,

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