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Realizing how codependant I really am
June 9, 2006
4:20 pm
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desperate4love
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I got divorced from alcoholic 5 years ago. Since we divorced -- I have not dated ONE guy that did not have substance abuse problems. I feel like I've dated the same guy with a differant face. I end up giving them my whole life. My house, my car, my money, my body, my love. They take over my entire being. I will put up with yelling, hitting walls, breakign things, drug addiction, creepy people and places --- just to get that "feeling" of being needed. With all these guys to lay in their arms at night and have them hold me so tight -- that "need" they had for me -- nothing could replace it.

My good friend told me today that I COULD be physically attracted to someone who did not have a drug and/or alcohol problem. Someone who actually owned a car, had a valid driver's license, didn't live with his parents and had his own money.

What a concept.

I am terrified I will never feel that ultimate feeling of being someone's whole world though. And, maybe I won't. Maybe I will feel something better --- that someone wants to be MY whole world.

I am in the midst of breaking up with my latest drug addict. He has been on a week long binge and my ex has forbidden me to have him around our daughter when I have custody. I don't blame him. My soon-to-be-x is not taking it well and is crying to me. His parents are pushing for in patient rehab (he has had a drug problem for YEARS -- meth). He won't go. He is making excuses and talking about out patient.

I'm so tired.

Anyway, just wanted everyone out there to know -- there is yet another soul out in cyberspace hurting and wanting a better life. Hurting -- yet angry too. Missing him -- yet sick of him too. That is such a hard place to be in. I would rahter hate him - than still be attracted to him, still love him -- but be SO SICK of the chaos/drama.

June 9, 2006
7:54 pm
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readyforachange
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desperate...you are not their "whole world"; you are simply the person they suck the life out of. The person they depend on for food, transportation, sex, money, housing, and everything in between. If it were not you, it would be easy for them to find someone else. It doesn't matter who it is, because they cannot be emotionally attached to anyone - only their addiction. What is it that they do to make you feel you are their "whole world"...punch holes in the wall? Threaten you now and again? Accuse you of horrible things? Call you terrible names?

I know these people, because I was married to one of them. I allowed the threats, emotional abuse, accusations, physical violence...for 17 years. I am not a stupid woman...no one would have thought I would allow such things to go on in my marriage. But I did. Addicted people have no ability to love, feel, relate...it is impossible for them. I learned that the hard way.

You deserve so much better. Why do you think you keep falling for the same kind of guy? I've only been divorced for 15 months, and the concept of dating someone seriously scares me to death. I fear that I will not see the red flags (again), and will fall into the same type of relationship I was in for 17 years of marriage. It's scary.

I don't have any great wisdom for you...just know that you are not alone.

June 9, 2006
8:06 pm
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chinita
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Desperate4Love,

You sound like me!!! I've been in a cycle like yours and still going threw it right now.
Ok in the last 9 years I've been in 2 horrible relationships which 3 kids came out of. Well I had a problem also but I new I was smarter than that but I would just stick around because of the kids and sex and just to feel needed. I felt they were helpless without me that they needed me to take care of them. But now I've gotten out of those 2 unhealthy relationships (they were at seperate times)and I did seek help and cleaned myself up.I look back and think Damm how stupid could I be!!! I used to get hit, cars impounded,they would steal my money you name it, it happened to me. But I'm telling you as soon as you get enough time alone to realize what your doing and focus on your feelings and needs you'll be looking back saying what a fool you've been to have put up with all that.

I just left my boyfriend (now this is someone else)we were together for about 6 months but we've been friends for 10. Now he had been clean for about 4 months ok bare with me I'm on a roll. He started useing and I was devastated!!! Now I started seeing the same cycle coming around and I left straight packed my kids LEFT. It's been 2 weeks now and it hurts me to see him depressed and crying and all that good stuff but you no what nothing is worth going back to that kinda life style.
So you see your not alone!!! TRUST!!!

But maybe it's the type of people you hang out with??? Try and do different things to meet new people. Some advice I need to take!hahaha! Life is what you make it! (my sister always tells me that) So now it's up to you to want to make a change and live a better and happy life.You also need to find your self and read I can't tell you any books off hand because I haven't read them yet and they were recommended to me here on the thread. but if you want I'll send you the names and authors that were recommended to me. But I think it might help you. Only YOU can change that!!! Good Luck! Keep your head up!

June 9, 2006
8:25 pm
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chinita
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readyforachange,
I can relate to your story and I no how that feels and yes it's scarey but you'll no when the time is right. I still make mistakes but you what we all learn from our mistakes. Stay strong!

June 11, 2006
9:09 am
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Robert123
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September 24, 2010
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Being codependent is much more than just being in a relationship with an addicted person. Recovery shifts the focus from them to us. Its about begining ,maybe for the first time ,to take our selves into account. We begin to stop the insanity with appropriate boundaries. Enough is enough and doing the same thing...just gets us the same results. Recovery can be scary because it takes us out of our comfort zone. We cling to what is familiar. I think it takes a conscious effort to push thru the anxious moments in hopes of something better on the other side.

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