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Realizing CoDependency Feeling Lost
July 18, 2005
8:03 pm
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sunshine1959
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I've lived with my b/f for four years now, been married 3X, mainly to problem childs...
My boyfriend is an alcoholic, but did stop drinking and doing drugs 2 years ago. He wanted to leave this weekend due to my controlling behavior. I talked him in to staying as I stood by him through his problems and tried to help him. I advised that I'm not perfect neither, and that alot of what he did those first two years, probably did not help me much at all, and that his reactions to my controlling which is really fear in cognito, were not helping the situation. He said he loves me, and we will try, he will try not to put me down, and I will try to in his words "chill". We do come from different backgrounds. I was raised with 12 brothers and sisters in a Catholic environment where he was raised with 3 brothers and a sister who all drink still. His dad drank and his mom died from drinking and drug addiction. Anyway, I don't know if there is hope for this relationship, I'm scared to death. I don't know how to change. I'm 46 and continue doing the same things. I don't know why I can't love myself. Everyone else thinks I'm just an angel, and to me, I am evil !! Please help, I feel so very lost and alone.

July 18, 2005
11:30 pm
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22haha
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Sounds to me like your fear of things he has done in the past is controlling you. If you can't trust him or have issues with his drinking in the past then maybe you should let him go. Also, if he is putting you down and making you feel bad - he isn't worth it. Feeling the pain of the first two years, added to the negative behavior - it's no wonder your feeling unloved by him. Having been raised in such different enviornments can be difficult too. Sounds like you ahve a lot of things to overcome. Is he willing to work with you and are you willing to work with him? Do you REALLY think you can get over the past???

July 19, 2005
3:15 pm
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kathygy
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what are you scared of? You may not be able to feel love for yourself because you may be angry at yourself and judging yourself for being controlling. You may also find it hard to love yourself if you with a man that doesn't treat you with love and respect in a consistent manner. See if you can find the wounded child wihin you and feel compassion for all she has been through. I suspect your controlling behavior comes from childhood survival techniques. Forgive yourself for your controlling behavior. You can change and grow. Make life affirming choices and you will feel better about yourself. You may not feel good about having to talk your boyfriend into staying out of your fear. Learn to stand by yourself and you can build a loving relationship with you.

love,
kathy

July 19, 2005
7:18 pm
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SexySadie
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If you can afford to go to a Therapist, I would strongly suggest it. I was in your exact situation...5yrs though...I threw him out a couple of times for the drinking. As I learned from my Therapist it was fear being expressed as anger. I thought by controlling the situation I was saving him from disaster and saving myself from pain. I have only been a couple of times since this all happened. But already have learned so much about myself. I paid the ultimate price he moved in became involved with a complete stranger two days later. Now I feel betrayed and hurt.

July 19, 2005
8:42 pm
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sunshine1959
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Thank you so much for your replies, they help me at least know that someone understands me. I have been trying to fight this for a long long time. I believe my 2nd husband whom I married in 1980 had something to do with it. He was a drinker and was abusive, not at the beginning of course. I really had no idea. I caught him in bed with a 17 year old, in the act, and I truly believe my problems started with him. I have lived by myself as much as 3 years, well with 2 children. I've tried really hard to evaluate myself and my past. I seem so strong, but yet so very weak. I sometimes wonder if growing up with so many siblings and a loving family that I get way too lonely by myself. Then I think it was my father, who showed the greatest example of love to my mother it was unbelievable. My mom could complain a little to him, maybe something he didn't fix right. He would turn to us kids, and just smile behind her back. He just truly loved every part of her and her nagging. I don't think anyone exist out there like my dad, he's gone now, and I guess ....well never mind, I am really just scared and crying all the time. It's not like me, usually I am puttin on a show acting like I am okay.

July 19, 2005
9:10 pm
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starkist1956
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Wow your story sounds so much like mine ...down to being married 3x...I have only known how to live with someone who is an alocholic.... was raised in a very strict religion ,I am so caught up in trying to control every move controling every move to the point of I think I could make a great private invesagator....but I spend so much time and energy on him I have no time for anyone else family or friends ....I started with a therpy for codependants 2 weeks ago all I do is cry ....Iknow what I need to do is let go and what ever happens ,happens but I feel so toren apart ....I know that I cant waist my life on a man"13" years of trying to change him , who has no idea what a reltionship should be.I feel so alone,disrespcted ,and worthles because of all the times he never come home from the bar or dumped me for some bar fly....I am 49.....I have left him several times but get back doing the same thing feeling the same way ...we live in a small town everyone knows me and what happens when I walk in the bar to get him to come home ....I have gotton kicked out of the bars several times even when I am not drinking ....because I cause such a show.but I have come to know that I cant ever change him ...I can only change myself .....little by little .... when I hear my friends complaine about thier wife do this or that I tell the they should be thankful they arent married to me ....because I came hear a mouse pea on cotton.....

July 19, 2005
10:58 pm
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sunshine1959
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kathygy,
What am I scared of? I've been thinking alot about it. I have a hard time figuring myself out, and sometimes I think it's because I know all the answers, but I just don't know how to fix them. Does it make sense that I am more scared than I was with any other break-up, because he is the one that wants to leave? That he is maybe now okay, and I am not?
Am I scared of myself now, where as before I kind of denied (not totally) but denied the problem.
My problem is that I don't know how to have fun. Everything is so dang serious. I'm overweight so every show (which is all now) with half dressed women bother me. I'm out of control, He said it the other day, I used to be so positive when I was helping him, now I am so negative.
I did explain to him, that it was his lack of encouragement for me, the lack of helping me feel secure in the relationship due to his lack of understanding, that has made me change.
I though, have always always since childhood felt I was different. I know there was sexual molestation by my uncle but I block it out totally.
I don't know after all this time if it would help to visit that or not.
All my sisters say they know he molested me, but I can't remember.
I know, I am rambling, sorry

July 20, 2005
10:07 pm
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sunshine1959
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SexySady,
I was thinking about what you said today, and it is so funny in a way. I told my boyfriend during the discussion we had Sunday when he was going to leave, that I felt whether he loved me or not, that if he left, he would be with another woman within tops, two weeks. I didn't tell him why I thought so. It's because he was an abuser so long, that he truly would be looking for someone to take care of him. I think he knew I was right, and I believe that is why he stayed. I do believe whole heartedly that he uses people. I've even thought that myself. I just don't know what to think because he has changed for the better in so many ways. Taking yourself away from your family, becoming sober, and stopping drugs, from what I understand, is not an easy task. I can understand because if I had to stop smoking, and to stop this co-dependency is very very hard. Do I give him credit for the changes he's made? I feel after stopping all that, he is having to figure out who he truly is, because he's never known. Do I try my best to loosen the strings, and see what happens? I am so very confused. I just know truly, it is the first time a man admitted to me that he had done some things wrong as well, and that he would truly work on them. He didn't have any anger when he said that, it's like he said, yes, we should really try instead of throwing it all away. Can anyone shed some light on this to me? Thanks! I've just became a member on this a few days ago, and already feel like I have friends out there, real people, with real feelings, like mine. It has been a Godsend. Thanks Again to all!! Your sharing is such a gift.
God Bless

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