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Realized I am Codependent when I tried to Let GO and Let God
July 20, 2004
3:58 pm
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ladygoodheart
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After a 2 yr relationship that started as just needing a room to rent, I left a alcohol and drug dependant man (Mr. Joe) after meeting and loving a secure and 'normal' man(Mr. Tim) who had offering me his help and eventually his love. Problem was that after many months of saying I can't leave what will Mr. Joe do, how will he take care of himself, I did get the courage to leave... but Mr. Joe came oof the drugs and begged me to come back. For the past 4 wks, with Mr. Tim's knowledge, I have spent some time Mr.Joe as he was getting off drugs. He vows he woke up and wants to marry me. Wants to build alife with him. I have wavered moved back and left again. Help! I feel crazy and am making everyone involved crazy. Am I alone in this type of thing. I cna't seem to get away and I know it won't work to stay with Mr. Joe.

July 20, 2004
4:08 pm
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Melody
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Hi Ladygoodheart. Sounds like it might be a good time not to make any decisions. This is what I learned through years of glumping through relationships with guys. In the beginning, I'm so dang worried they're going to leave, they won't come back, oh how can I get them, pull them in. Truth is, very few of them ever go away. And the sicker they are, the longer they stay -- or at least circle the block. You don't have to make any choice now, and frankly the most attractive thing in the world is being at least slightly unavailable. Good luck and remember -- not making a decision can be a very positive choice.

July 20, 2004
4:36 pm
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fairy99
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Tell him if he loves you he will show you not tell you. Good Luck sweetie.

July 20, 2004
9:54 pm
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CAMER
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if you KNOW it won't work with Mr Joe, then I would just leave him. Its not fair to either you or him to stay in a relationship that is not "there"....Maybe you were afraid of Mr Tim, for loving you and treating you good.

As fairy99 says, hopefully your Joe will "show" you he is off drugs, actions do speak lounder than words.

Best of luck!

July 21, 2004
5:59 am
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ladygoodheart
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Thanks for your comments, I need to tell more- I have really train wrecked this situation. check this out.. I really am having trouble letting go I what I believe Joe could be. He needs help changing his thinking and I thought I could do that. But I saw a life with Tim who does not need changing and is going on with his life and I could really have fun growing and working and building a future with Tim and maybe have mututal wonderful relationship and love. I am over 50, not time to waste in fixing someone. I had been out of the house for about 30 days, but still talking and seeing Joe during this time(isn't that part of codependent not letting go), and could not tell Joe I was not coming back. Mr. Tim finally said look I don't want the stress in my life, so you will have to finish whatever is going on with Joe. I moved back with Joe and I would give Joe his 30 days requested. I stayed 2 days and made a plan with Joe this time telling him what I need too. But he went back to the bars both days, did work, then said ok to an old girlfriend to come visit and then afterwards asked me if ok. I said wait - I can't do this, packed up to leave, Tim said I could move back - however the relationship with Tim would not be the same. Mr. Joe went crazy, said I did not give him enough time, totally crazy physically and verbally violent(never happened before) telling me he would burn this bridge and I got out glad to be alive. The verbal abuses via phone and messages went on thru next morning till I broke down and told him I could not go on living- that stopped the abuse and he said "just come back I love you and want you." Is this the way a dependent relationship goes? To let go and get out, isn't it a matter of changing your thinking? I have declared a truce with all parties for one week. No contact with Joe for one week, Tim will just allow me to live in his house but I have injured that relationship. How do I let go of my desire to help Joe? Do you have any suggestions? Wow, never in my life have I never had such turmoil, the only thing is, in the past I have never left.

July 21, 2004
7:05 am
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CAMER
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you have made a good step...no contact with Joe for one week! i hope you stick with that. You even mentioned Joe was physically and verbally violent....you do not deserve to be treated that way. One thing to remember is you cannot change Joe, he is what he is. Maybe some praying, and reading and focusing more on you in the coming weeks will keep you away from going back & forth to Joe. I wish you luck!

July 22, 2004
1:05 pm
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ladygoodheart
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Ok please help. Joe called last night says he realizes that I will probably stay with Tim and work out something so he has got to try to move on, so since I am his really good friend would I help him find a web site to find someone to date. Then he calls back and ask me how respond to questions about himself on the web site. Now this is weird and good becuase it means he is finally looking at himself, right?

And by the way Tim has realized that my relationship with him has been really hurt and he is claiming partial responsiblity for the physical confrontation with Joe and he say we all 3 have behaved badly, so he wants to back off, too. And he says I can just stay with him and pay rent and save some money and we will see where it goes. His loving me was just too soon on top of allowing me to leave Joe.

Now Joe calls me this morning wants me to go as a friend to a concert to see our favorite intertainer who will be performing in a bar and Joe knows he will drink and does not want to drive, but really wants to see the old band reunion and is looking for someon to drive. Now what people? Tim says is ok with it, but somehow I am thinking I might be better not doing this and you know since Joe is working hard at changing his life, am I crazy thinking that Joe and I have a future? Kinda goes with the question can you change a codependent relationship and be 2 healty people. Can it be worked out? And am I crazy to be doing any of this? I feel odd being 53 and having 2 men love me. I am not an unhealthy needy person, I want a strong good relationship and am beginning to believe that either one of these men could give that to me. With Joe it would be a little more difficult but he wants to change no matter wht. And there is no doubt in my mind that TIm and I could work out the issues(and he has given me the best kind of love, caring, sensitive and I have never felt so loved when we where making love...

Comments please, someone not involved look at this and give me an opinion. I am not feeling emotions. But I have to give an answer to Joe by tomorrow and I had promised myself that I would take a breather for a week and not make decisions. This will not wait, unfortunately.

July 22, 2004
4:07 pm
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kathygy
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I would stay away from Joe like the plague. He has addiction problems and has reacted violently towards you. I strongly suggest that you walk away from him. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Joe has not changed and you can't change him. He sounds like big time trouble.

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