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realized i am codependent and don't know how to deal
September 27, 2009
7:59 am
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jim80
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I have looked into symptoms and i am definitely codependent. Now i don't know where to start to fix myself. I don't even know where to start. I was in a relationship for ten years and married for five of those. she was cheating on me and left me and even then i tried to make it work. Then i moved and within 3 months i was in another relationship. We got pregnant and then 2 months after the baby was born she left me, said i did nothing wrong but she had to leave. it's been two months now and i started to see someone else and was being really hesitant but found myself falling hard again. She now says she needs space so another one bites the dust. I have thoughts of worthlessness and not bieng able to be loved. I always overthink everything. But i also get in a very depressive state and don't know how to get by on my own. I don't enjoy beeing alone and i am just looking for suggestions on how to stop thinking about all of this and how to live my life and love myself first. I don't know what else to do. I hate all the thoughts in my head all the time and wish i could just be normal. Please Help!!!!

September 27, 2009
8:08 am
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Tiger Trainer
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You have already done the hardest part! There were two things that helped me. I stopped trying to control. I never realized how controling i was. I stepped back and allowed my husband to take the consequences for his behaviors. I didn't advise, I didn't cover for him.
Then I did a lot of thinking and found out what my real needs were and concentrated on taking care of those. ( I am still doing that) Sometimes I slip back into old behaviors.

keep on trying!

September 27, 2009
8:28 am
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jim80
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I don't know how to let go and just let things happen. I'm too impatient and too worried about the end result. I just feel like i am sinking lower and lower in life.

September 27, 2009
12:38 pm
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atalose
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Learning to fill that void with in ourselves is extremely important. Learning to re-program our thoughts and beliefs is how to begin that process.

If we operate on the belief that someone else is responsible for OUR happiness, peace of mind and self worth, we will always continue to jump into relationships seeking THEM to fill that void.

When we make other people our every thing we are asking for the impossible and the end results will always be the same. Us desperately grasping onto them as if they are our life saver and they pulling away so they won’t drown.

Working on building your own self esteem and self worth is a great beginning.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 27, 2009
7:50 pm
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ataloss is right. Don't forget you can't do it all at once. I have been doing this about 4 years now and I still find myself trying to 'fix' people.

September 27, 2009
7:50 pm
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ataloss is right. Don't forget you can't do it all at once. I have been doing this about 4 years now and I still find myself trying to 'fix' people.

September 29, 2009
6:32 pm
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dwarf chamaeleon
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I am codependent and I want to be different, could someone tell me how. My husband of 6 years has abuse drugs. our marriage is dysfunctional and he is unwilling to seek help. I am sceaming inside because I am so alone and his constant rejection. My children are all grown and could care less for me. i am feeling like some one who has awakened to a world that I don't fit, or no one wants me around anymore. I am 41 feeling like I have no more colors to change to so now what?

September 29, 2009
7:02 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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now you find out what you want. not what is right for your children or the husband. now you realize you can't control him. now you find out what your needs really are.

you will find a lot of support here.

September 30, 2009
7:14 pm
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unlucky13
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i trying to make it after a 12yr relationship have kids yet this is the hardest not to miss him he has bn the worst husband and i am reminding myself every second im trying to focus on things that will make me happy and my girls too its taking act of god not to go and beg for him to come back i feel as my chest is caving in i know im not the only one yet at times i feel really alone i need to read more books lol

September 30, 2009
9:05 pm
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dwarf chamaeleon
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I UNDERSTAND THAT I SHOULD FOCUS ON ME,BUT YOU SEE I HAVE FOCUSED ON EVERY ONE ELSE FOR AT LEAST YEARS, WHERE DO YOU BEGIN? I AM SO ANGRY BECAUSE BEFORE I MET HIM I HAD DREAMS/GOALS AND KNEW WHERE I WAS GOING, NOW I AM HERE LOST AND IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY IN WHICH I HAVE TO BRAIN WASH MY MIND TO ITS ORGINAL STATE., IS THIS A MUTUAL FEELING?

September 30, 2009
9:37 pm
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atalose
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unlucky……keep reminding yourself that reaching out to “the worst husband” is not the solution. It does get easier believe me it really does. It’s that pain we dread dealing with but it’s bearable pain and one we do get through if we allow ourselves that opportunity.
Make yourself a list of all the things “the worst husband did or said” keep it with you all the time and when you begin to get those feelings to reach out, read your list!!!!

Dwarf……….about those dreams and goals, why not re-visit them? And yes putting ourselves high on our own priority list does take re-programming of our minds. Many of us have been exactly where you are finding yourself today.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 30, 2009
10:12 pm
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Kit09
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I have been divorce for 7 yrs., I am am coming out of a 4 yr. relationship. I need help to become health and not be codependent. My relationship was not a health one from the start, ( this past relationship) He was married and very unhappy I was divorced and looking for happiness. I thought that I could show him what happiness was and that he would get a divorce and we would be together. He has small kids and is 14 yrs younger than me. Well after 4 yrs and many ups and downs I finally had enough, and walked out of the relationship.. I feel lost and alone, I can't let him back in my life, although he has not tried to contact me at this time, like he has done in the past and wormed his way back in with all of the sweet talking. How do I become healthly again? Why am I attracted to these types of men? How do I spot them and run the other direction?

October 5, 2009
10:44 pm
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MYFRIEND
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I hear you...I hope there is someone out there that has gone through it and can share some good sense. I know to let my kids live their lives and they call me all the time but I am so lonely its unbearable. Doing things is no problem....enjoying what I do is the problem. I don't!! I need to be a part of the life that I have been and known all my life. Taking care of others. I feel so empty!

October 7, 2009
3:51 am
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3G
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There is a scream inside that I feel I need to let out……but I can’t!! I need help!!!! My dad is an alcholic and I have been lying to myself all this time, making me belive that I’ve been OK, that I’m Ok, when I am NOT! I felt I was reading a description of myself when I was reading the symptoms of a co-depended person. Suddenly, I somewhat understand my freaky nature and why I have not been able to let go of a very unhealthy relationship for the past eight years! I NEED CHANGE: I NEED HELP

October 7, 2009
9:34 am
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atalose
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Kit09……..Any relationship you have to keep secret you don’t belong in. Words are words and actions mean every thing. I think it’s great you walked out of the secret relationship and I hope you find the courage and strength to stay away. 4 years is a long time to wait on empty promises, keep reminding yourself that if his words were true he would have left his wife years ago. This guy had his cake and got to eat it too. Find it in yourself to realize that you are worth far more then being someone’s secret. You build self esteem and self respect by not going back and never settling for so little every again.

I’m going to tell you exactly what I told a friend of mine who got herself involved with a married man. Married men who find woman that will sleep with them knowing they are married, will never marry that woman, period. In all my years I know of 2 people who were married, got involved/ divorced their partners then married each other. Married men are not looking for the magical fantasy romance that most woman are seeking, they are looking for attention, excitement and sex with absolutely no plans to leave there wives or families.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 7, 2009
9:37 am
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atalose
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MYFRIEND,

What kind of things have you been doing that isn’t feeling enjoyable to you? What about care taking in the sense of volunteering at an animal shelter? Filling that void that comes when there is no one around to take care of can easily be filled by taking care of YOU!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 7, 2009
9:40 am
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atalose
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3G,

It’s painful when we finally come out of denial. Being co-dependent isn’t a death sentence and recovery is very possible if we are willing and more importantly want to make healthier choices beginning today.

Have you every given any thought to attending al-anon regarding your dads drinking?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 8, 2009
3:16 am
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3G
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atalose,

My dads has stopped drinking 2 years ago, after he found himself homeless! His drinking problem started when I was 13 years old and lasted for ten, years! I have forgiven him…My big problem, beside feeling responsible for my mom, brothers and sister whom probably need more help that I, is that when I was 17 I got involved with someone 17years older, “the love of my life” I call him. I have wondered many times if I am with him because I look for a father figure in him. I have been on my own since I was 16: I am very responsible: I have a good job: I don’t need anything from him and I don’t take anything from him. So, I don’t think I am. Could I? What I do know is that I am unable to let go of a person who brings me down and whose approval I seek constantly! He tells me that he loves me but I know it cant be. He constantly complains about my physical appearance, that I am not in shape. I can’t drink, get a tattoo, and say bad words. The worst part, he has told me that I would be not be a good mother for his children, that he would never married me and that we are never going to live together! We have sex like once every two months, if he is in the mood! I feel like such a looser for feeling the way I feel for him and being with him! I am a pretty gril and I know I don’t have a weight problem. I need a little exercise, big deal! I know I can be with almost anyone I want. I’ve tried talking to guys my own age, but that spiritual connection that I feel with him, it doesn’t even compare! I know there is something very wrong and that’s what got me into analyzing myself !

Today understanding where my problem originated gave me a sense of freedom! I just need to manage to keep my mind away form him!

October 8, 2009
9:34 am
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StronginHim77
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This does sound like a very unhealthy relationship. This man does not love you, criticizes you, controls you and has no intention of marrying you. DEAD END.

I strongly recommend that you get into therapy/counseling with a mental health professional to help you understand WHY you have become enmeshed and formed a "soul tie" with such a toxic man.

Also, check out ACOA books at your local bookstore. There really IS such a thing as ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) who face special problems in their dating/marital relationships. It's not your fault. But you DO need some understanding and some support, if you want to have happier, healthier relationships in the future.

My best to you,

Ma Strong

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