Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Realization!!!!!!Please give feedback...so I wont go crazy!
February 6, 2005
2:40 pm
Avatar
lovelyladyl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If anyone knows me then they know that I have a hard time letting go of the men in my life. I lost my father and brothers at a young age and my first love really left a dent on my heart. Last night as I was driving to my flings house I realized that the reason I have such a hard time letting go of relationships and clinging to guys who are emotionaly unavailable is because of my first love...So much happen in that relationship that it really shaped the way I deal with men...Anyway inside I feel like he was the one I was meant to be with in life. I left him because that is what my friends were telling me to do, he had a child and they saw him as unworthy. He told me he loved me and I ended it harshly, he had no idea why. I spoke to him several months after the breakup briefly and he told me that he was in counseling for stress and anger issues trying to figure things out. In my relationships now it is hard for me to walk away because I feel like I am making a mistake and don't wanna loose another good thing. I tend to date no good guys because I know inside that they are never going to commit to me and that doesn't scare me. I can't stand to hurt someone again. Can someone relate or help me to figure this out?

February 6, 2005
2:50 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

How do you feel about yourself without having a man by your side? Do you feel complete without one? SOmetimes it takes just getting to know yourself, taking care of yourself....and realizing that you are worthy without someone. This may take some time and some work on your part.

February 6, 2005
2:58 pm
Avatar
lovelyladyl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What is so weird is that I am fine by myself. I have never had a problem being by myself or being in my skin. I have a fear of being totally commited to someone. To my friends I am "picky" but I believe that it goes so much futher then that. I feel like maybe I am waiting for him to come back. I haven't had a boyfriend in 4 years. Since my first, I don't know what it is. I have flings because I always feel like i am waiting to find something better, but then I feel like maybe this is where I should be. I know that I sound confusing and I apologize.

February 6, 2005
3:30 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I know you are a female, but this sounds very similar to a gentleman I dated at one time.
There ahve been several threads on this website about fear of commitment. If you type in "commitment" in the word search on the list of theads it will bring it up and this may help you think through some issues tht you are facing.

Having never been in this siutation I cannot speak from experience, only maybe what I would do if I were in your situation.
Regarding your past relationship that left the dent in your heart. I too had one of those, but it taught me so much. SO use this relationship and the ones afterwards as a bridge relationship. Also when family and freinds are involved, it si very difficult to not ignore their opinions, but generally they have an objective opinion and can see things we cannot see.
It may be a good idea not to date anyone for a while to try to figure out what you want. AS long as you are living in the past, with someone who has probably moved on by now, is only cheating yourself.
If it did not work out, then it didn't and there is someone better for you. I wish I understood this concept, but having never been there I don't.

Oddly enough I dated a gentleman who seems to do the same as you do. I always said that he either does not know what he wants, has flings because he settles for less...for a reason...he does not want to commit because of a bad marriage, failed relationships, so he also chooses emotionally unavailalbe women. HE wants them to be independent, but then they end up sither using him, or being unavailable. He knows he needs a person he can trust and rely on, and even looks for that person, but he never finds her, or if he does, he runs because he cannot commit.

So it is a vicious circle until you step out of your box, let gofo the fear, and don't settle for anything less. KNOW what you want, and move forward I guess I would advise.
Hopefully you will get some feedback from others who have been where you are, and maybe some male opinions as well. Hope some of this helps a bit.

February 6, 2005
3:35 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

LL, this was in another thread today, so I copied it here so you could read it.

As they were riding, they passed a garden full of flowers.

Jim says "Do you see those flowers?"

"Yes," she says.

"Do you think that when someone steps on those flowers that they lie there and feel sorry for themselves?" Jim says.

"No."

"No, they immediately start to mend their wounds so they can heal, and grow strong and healthy!"

They ride a little further and Jim points up in a tree, "You see those squirrels up there?

Do you think that when people shoot at them they go hide forever?"

"No," she says.

About that time the ocean comes into sight.

Jim says "You see that ocean out there?

Do you think that when there's a hurricane out there that the ocean doesn't go back out because it's afraid to face the storm?"

"No," she says.

"Then, why have you stopped living because you have been hurt?"

That story really hit me like a ton of bricks! The worst part was the fact that Jim died a short time later. And that's when she realized how much precious time she wasted.

Why have you stopped living because you have been hurt?

February 6, 2005
6:18 pm
Avatar
GullyFoyle
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OMW,

That was beautiful. And True.

A truth I am coming to grips with is, Love thy neighbor as thyself." Until you learn to truly love yourself, for how you really are - warts and all - How can you love someone else? I have noticed that it seems that Christ never talked about the other guy, he talked about you. The plank in your eye, Love yourself, whoever is without sin... It always came down to you, not the other person.

God's love and forgiveness is boundless. Look at how many times he forgave Israel. it is most telling about when they ask Him about forgiving the church member - once, twice, seven. He doesn't say, Oh yeah, seven times is good enough. He says seventy times seven. He says always forgive.

But damn, it's hard. I just had a fight with my STBX, arguement, whatever. Damn, Damn Damn. I hate this shit.

Gully

February 6, 2005
9:43 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Forgiving is great, trusting is another issue. You can forgive someone for their actions, but trust has to be re-earned.

February 7, 2005
12:13 am
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

you know LL, reading back over your thread. ...and after the day I have had and what I have recently learned....

You can't always listen to family and friends when you really love someone. I should have listened to my family about my ex-husband, granted, but I do have my boys...and regarding the gentleman I dated...because I was hurt as a result of the relationship, my family took up for me, and he was the bad guy...but it takes 2. Do you see my point?

Why are you afraid to commit?

And if you have had the opportunity to stay in touch with this old love of yours...and he is still available...WHY WAIT? I don't understand some that mourn a relationship that may have a chance. Do you pray, then pray.

Sometimes it just takes knwoing what you want and going after it. Other times, if the person is really a jerk, then of course you don't.

February 7, 2005
8:08 am
Avatar
lovelyladyl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

After really thinking about a lot of things I realize that I am not okay being alone. I haven't truly been alone these 4 years obviously, I just haven't commited myself to anyone. Every guy had either been a long term "fling" or a short term one. I wanna tryand spend time alone until I am comfortable by myself then venture out (after some counseling of course). I don't know why I am scared to commit but I want to try.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
30
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111020
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38570
Posts: 714311
Newest Members:
cosmo789, bravelassie, Chloe12, future life, austinjacob, Hadity1
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information