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May 22, 2000
12:28 pm
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male50
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I have a problem with jealousy. It is ruining my marriage and I have to do something about it.
A little background. I am a 50 year old man. I was widowed after 25 years of marriage and remarried a year ago.
My wife is approximately my age. She was single for several years prior to us getting married. She has a very outgoing personality and during the time she was single, dated frequently.
My problem is that I can't seem to get over the feelings of jealousy when we are talking and she mentions some of her trips with other men or some of the things she enjoyed doing while she was single. Things like going to a man's house to have her body "bronzed", parties where the games were of a sexual nature, etc..
When she tells these stories or they are the topic of discussion when we are with a group of her friends, I become very uncomfortable and just drop the conversation or excuse myself. She notices my discomfort and if we discuss it, she becomes annoyed with me and explains to me that my feelings are caused by my low self-esteem and that I should not be bothered by what she enjoyed doing prior to meeting me.

If anyone can give me suggestions as to how to overcome these feelings, or how I should react in these situations I would greatly appreciate it. I don't want my marriage to end.

Thank you in advance.

May 23, 2000
6:36 am
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janes
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Is she throwing these situations up in your face or simply sharing?

It could be your low self esteem or her need for more attention.

It's unrealistic to think that at 50 you can remarry to someone who has no other experiences. Each of us is a sum total of the experiences we have had.

Her annoyance with your discomfort is bothersome to me. Ask her why she gets annoyed when you are the one who is uncomfortable.

sounds like she may have some agendas she is not even aware of....

Soritng this out with an objective third party might be an option.

I see it as more than JUST your low self esteem. If she knows this bothers you why does she continue in your presence..? It may be the only way SHE feels validated.

May 23, 2000
11:05 am
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male50
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Thank you for responding. You have pointed out issues I hadn't thought about. It does sometimes feel like she is throwing her experiences in my face. My life doesn't lend itself to interesting stories as well as hers but I don't really think I need to share some of them.

I didn't expect to be marrying a nun and we agreed the past is the past. One of the questions that keeps coming up in my mind is if we keep discussing these things from the past are we leaving it behind us and since I don't feel particularly comfortable hearing about her in some of those situations would we be smarter to just leave it out of our conversation most of the time.

I don't understand much about low self esteem but is not wanting to discuss your wife's sexual experiences before you met an indication you have low self esteem?

Thanks again.

May 23, 2000
1:15 pm
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vositor
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I think she's deliberately baiting you. Sexual experiences before she met and married you aren't relevant to her current life and it's tasteless to say the least to discuss her memories in your presence.

I suggest she's the one with the self-esteem problem, feeling compelled to prove constantly how desirable and sexy she is. If she continues to make you feel that she doesn't think your love and admiration are enough for her, she's going to be the loser.

May 23, 2000
2:26 pm
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male50
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Thank you. Your comments and janes have helped me immensely. I have felt that the subjects she brings up are in bad taste more than something creul she was doing to make me uncomfortable. Seeing the words coming from someone else helps me. I was beginning to think my values and morals were completely out of touch with reality and that my self esteem must be the lowest of any man in history.
I do find her very desireable and never thought about her not seeing herself that way but maybe it does explain why she feels it necessary to tell me every time a man shows interest in her.
I do appreciate your response.

May 24, 2000
3:39 am
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vositor
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I'm glad it helped your perspective because jealousy is poison.

Women use it to keep men interested by keeping them off balance, a carry over from the days when we had no political or economic power.

May 24, 2000
6:58 am
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janes
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Good points vositor

Also...there is sexual addiction too.

(Isn't necessarily as naughy as it sounds)

But even if she did terribly naughty things before you were married...there are soulutions now too.

Why not do some experimenting with her..
Surprise her...be daring..Exciting sex within the confines of marriage is not taboo. I am almost your age and we are not old. Sex is still fun.

Give her some surprises...then you will have some stories too. (not really)

May 24, 2000
9:40 am
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male50
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Things make more sense after reading your comments. My wife does alot of male bashing and seems resentful about the way women have been treated.
Hell, this may be partially a gender thing. I'm paying for the sins of all males since the beginning of time.

I like the idea of making our own stories too. That's why this is so frustrating to me. We can't get on to the intimacy we could have together because we spend more time dealing with the memories this triggers for her than the situation at hand.

Thanks again. No better time than tonight to be daring....and naughty.

May 25, 2000
9:40 pm
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cholie_32246
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