Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Reading into everything...
August 21, 2006
7:01 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

I went on a camping trip with my family last week, it was a blast, I was able to brain dump everything, when I got back there was a message on my machine from my xb, all he said was Hi guys, how is it going, Elle, please call me when you have a chance.
I called the other day, after talking for a while he told me he missed us, and when he heard the answering machine his heart sunk, I brushed it off and said, Yea, we all miss you guys too, maybe we should take the kids to the park so they can see each other, he said that sounded like a lot of fun we talked for a while and I told him how my kids were telling my family about some of the things we all did when we were together, he laughed and said, I bet your family wishes you would start dating someone else so they stop talking about me, I laughed and didn’t say anything, first of all, how does he know I am not seeing anyone? OK, I am not but how does he know? Or was he fishing for information?
See, there I go reading into everything…
Does he really miss us? If so what does he mean by it?
K, I am going to stop now,
I got it out of my head and on to the computer so I can go home and relax, well sort of, I can go home and unpack from the move,,,,
I hate moving…..

August 22, 2006
6:18 am
Avatar
alycia
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You read into things too much, i do also, i also stress a little too much about things that are gonna take place in 6 months from now, i need to learn to relax which is hard to do but i need to do it...

He was assuming, thats how i see it as well as fishing for info cause he cant come right out and ask he had to word it like that so it seems like he doesnt care when infact he does.

I dont doubt for a second he misses you but i dont know what happened and i know a trip to the park is a nice idea and we all do these things to make the kids happy... Just hope its something you can do that when the end of the day comes u can go away happy instead of sad if that makes sense.....

August 22, 2006
8:21 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

elle -

I don't know the specifics behind your initial break-up with your ex/BF. Can you share why/how you separated in the first place? Was he toxic for you? Was it a destructive relationship in any way? Did he abandon you? Have no idea whether getting back with him would be good or bad, unless you can share a bit of background information.

Thanks.

- Strong

August 22, 2006
11:15 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

He was the only person I dated that treated me with respect, he was 2 months out of a divorce so dating was a bit too soon for him, we met and talked everyday for months, sometimes 4 times a day, many times when we talked it would be for hours at a time, one day he told me he wanted to slow down because he was afraid of his feelings for me, so I slowed down but he kept calling me then one day he told me he cant see me in his future right now so maybe we should break up, this devastated me because when we started dating I told him my concerns about his new divorce and me not wanting to be his rebound girl, a week or so before we broke up my life fell apart, I was blacking out and collapsing so I needed an MRI, (ended up being stress) I found out I am getting laid off because my company is moving out of state, my landlord is selling the house, I cant buy it because I need to find another job so I moved in with my parents, my XH is not paying child support and is in between jobs so the ORS cant get anything from him anyway, he isn’t a very good father so that puts stress on the kids, my oldest son was in the hospital for suicide watch last year and is finally doing better but I still worry about him, my daughter is starting to get pretty down because she hasn’t seen her dad in about a month she starts therapy next week, he called and left a message while we were on vacation and told us he moved so he cant take them this weekend, their little hearts are breaking all the time and I don’t know how to fix it.
My XH is the toxic one, I am finally to the point I admit I have a problem, I am a codependent person, I couldn’t say that a year ago, I always blamed him for everything but I now know that I allowed it to happen, the mean words, the hitting, the raping, I could have gotten out sooner and not allowed that to happen for so many years, my xb was so much different, maybe that is why I fell for him so easily, he was kind, so hearing he missed me felt so good because I miss him like crazy, I think about him all the time, and I wish I didn’t because it wouldn’t hurt so bad that he is gone.

August 22, 2006
11:34 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow, Elle...

You've been through ALOT! No wonder you are hoping the exBF might return to your life. Maybe he will. Sounds like it might be a very good thing for you, if he does. There is a long road we have to walk ALONE, following a break-up or a divorce. And you were right - that's just not the best time to hook up with someone new. "Rebound" is not a good situation. But perhaps enough time has passed to change the dynamics. Maybe it WOULD work out now. Please keep us posted. You certainly deserve some peace and happiness in your life. I will pray for your children. They are going thru hell, also. It is bad enough when we, grownups, suffer, but much harder to see it hit your children.

= Strong

August 22, 2006
11:44 am
Avatar
sleepless in uk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Elle I agree with Strong..you have been through so much i hope you getsome peaceandhappiness and if he is what it takes then I hope it works out.

He clearly misses you or why would he call?

can I ask how old your children are?If you dont mind telling me. Its just my current situation is a lot like your former situation ie before you and your husband seperated and I am struggling with the whole codep concept too. I now can admit my inaction has had it's effects on my children and i was curious to know how you managed to break freeandhow old your kids are

very best wishes

August 22, 2006
11:53 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Thank you both for your kind words, I think I will go to the park with him and his kids one of these days and take my kids, at lease I still have a good friend in him right.

My youngest son got mad at me the other day because he said I didnt let him go see his dad, I hate seeing them go through this, I would drive them to their dads house if I knew whare he lived, I am not the kind of person that will keep them from him because I am mad at him, the kids need their father even if he isnt a very good one, they need to feel loved and missed and right now they dont, they feel abandoned, my heart breaks for my kids everyday. I wish I could hit him over the head with a bat and make him realize what he is missing, he has 3 awesome kids who love him, why cant he return that love? I guess that is one of the reasons I divorced him.

August 22, 2006
12:00 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Sleepless,
My kids are 15, 12, & 7 my daughter is in the middle, I have been divorced for 3 years and it was pretty hard on them but they are a lot stronger now than they were before the divorce, their self confidence was shot as was mine, they know now how to be happy, we have our set backs but we do laugh a lot more now that I am divorced than we did before,it did take time but it was worth it, My daughter will soon realize as my son did that she cant make her father call her or see her, hopefully she learns to live life for her like my son did for him.
We went to marrage counceling and after about a month my counceler told me that it was OK to leave him, he is abusive and it is bringing me and my kids down, it was hard but i prayed about it and got the strength to leave, it does take a lot of time and support from friends and family, like my counceler said, dont leave until you are ready to leave for good, abused people go back to their abusers an average of 7 times before they leave for good, be sure you are ready to leave for good before you leave. dont let him rope you into coming back.

August 22, 2006
2:14 pm
Avatar
sleepless in uk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you for that Elle

I think you are very brave and very strong and your kids are lucky to have a mother who did right by them

I have stayed far too long...my kids are 15 16 and 19...all girls.

thanks for sharing your story with me

good luck and thanks again

August 22, 2006
2:44 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

One thing that helped make the decision was my sister told me that if I stayedwith my XH my daughter would find someone like her father and let him treat her the same way her father treated me, I wanted to show my daughter there is a better life out there and she deserves to be treated with love and respect, not like a door mat.
I hope this helps.

August 22, 2006
3:20 pm
Avatar
sleepless in uk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It really does. Thank you

August 22, 2006
3:32 pm
Avatar
Notsure
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Elle,

Your sister was right...the probability that your daughter would end up with(and thus accept) an abuser would have been very high.

You did the right thing.

You may also notice some "attitude" being exhibited in your sons. Please be vigilant in this in acse that translates into their relationships when they start dating.

The boyfriend sounds like a good guy. I hope that it will work out for you.

While you perhaps read too much into it, he was also fishing. Had your response been "I met someone nice" it could have elicited a total different reaction.

My take is that if it was meant to be, then it will be. Perhaps a little distnce for him will help him realize how good a catch you were and also allows you to deal with your own issues.

Good luck.

Regards. Notsure

August 22, 2006
3:44 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"abused people go back to their abusers an average of 7 times before they leave for good..."

WOW! At first, I just couldn't believe this. Then, I made myself remember how many times I stepped back from my abusive ex, before finally initiating (and maintaining)No Contact. And I would bet it was close to 7 times, if not more.

Thanks for sharing this. What a wake-up call!

- Strong

August 22, 2006
3:48 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

7 times? I know for fact that I returned MANY more times than this....yikes....I'm just a statistic after all!

August 22, 2006
4:34 pm
Avatar
sleepless in uk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

well my friends if you are statistics I reckon I am a big doormat!!!!

August 22, 2006
4:39 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

I think that is why we are all here, I am a Huge Doormat, if it werent for my sister reminding me why i left my XH i would have gone back to him, i was so close to going back many, many times, she actually called my therapist one day because she was so nervous i would go back.

August 22, 2006
4:47 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Notsure,
yes, i do notice "attitude" from my oldest son, he is always trying to treat me and my other kids like his father treated us, it is sad to watch and it is a struggle to get him to stop. I hope i can find a way to turn him around before it is too late for him.

August 22, 2006
6:31 pm
Avatar
memory
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I was with my STBXH for 8 years I left him once a year. I kept thinking things would change, everytime I went back it got worse! We went to counseling every time I came back (a month or two) and then we'd quit going. He said it was to expensive. He just went to passify me. I became very parinoid of every move I made because I would over think what reaction I would get from him (he is a very explosive person)I left him 6 months ago and have had no contact. It is so liberating to feel calm,relaxed,safe. I am still trying to feel in control of my own life, but that will come in time.

August 22, 2006
7:34 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Memory -

Wow. Sounds like a nightmare. Did he have a personality disorder? The only other man I've known personally who did that on-again, off-again thing was borderline personality disorder. He would explode alot.

- Strong

August 22, 2006
8:36 pm
Avatar
memory
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I personally think he did and depression and major anger issues. I finally realized I could not FIX him and was not willing to give up the rest of MY life to make his better.

August 25, 2006
6:57 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

memory -

Yes. It sounds like your ex might have one of the personality disorders. Borderlines are famous for the on-again, off-again rage cycles where they push you away, then beg you to come back. They are very gloomy, depressed, "empty" souls who require constant attention and can never be pleased or relaxed. They live in a state of constant depression, mixed with tension build-ups and rage eruptions over "imagined" wrongdoing on our part. It's hell being around them. I am glad you are free. My ex/BPD fiance had been married for 13 years, before his divorce. I now wonder how that poor woman took it for so long.

- Strong

August 25, 2006
8:17 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

7 times? how does one leave when it is going to hurt innocent people?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111019
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38569
Posts: 714305
Newest Members:
bravelassie, Chloe12, future life, austinjacob, Hadity1, JasonMcGhee
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information