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Ran by an old friend today
September 14, 2002
6:13 pm
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silence
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truthfully, she is expecting an email. Again, I don't know when she's going to get it though. We have to have a record of our "group meetings" by email, so I did send something school related this afternoon. It had to be CC'd to my other partner and the teacher so I wasn't about to put anything personal in it.

I'd rather talk to her in person about the other girl though. I'm terrible on the phone, and I easily get writer's block when I'm nervous like this. In person I just bite the bullet and talk without thinking. Only way I ever get it done. Sure, it comes out wrong most of the time, but at least it comes out.

Let her know I'm attracted to her... You think I should start to blatantly look down her shirt? I always thought that was kind of rude... And I doubt that anybody in this world thinks that I'm a "playa." Most "playa's" don't look as dorky as I do.

September 14, 2002
10:49 pm
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mossrose
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nix the looking down the shirt and hopefully when u talk to her in person you dont say something like "I want to have sex with a young school boy" (dumb and dumber ) then you should b fine. Be assertive if the other girl interrupts you with your editing girl. Say "excuse me, please wait till im finished..or something to that effect. It will make your friend feel you respect and like her.

September 18, 2002
5:28 pm
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silence
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Sorry kids. But your favorite Soap has been cancelled.

During the break between classes we got to sit together and talk on a couch in the hallway. halfway through the break she suddenly said the "B" word. Apparently they've been together for the past five years. Who knew?

In the words of Forest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."

September 18, 2002
7:17 pm
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gingerleigh
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Nuts. Ah well. Hey, keep the network with her, maybe she has some cute friends...

September 18, 2002
9:33 pm
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silence
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I don't know. I've just lost the will to do a lot of things right now. I fell asleep for three hours, but I feel like I just slept the whole night. I was going to start writing my script now and nothing is coming to me. How can I write a romanitc comedy now? I feel so deflated.

September 18, 2002
11:33 pm
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mossrose
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write about you and editing girl, great romantic comedy!
have the romance in your mind from here on in and write about it..your obssessions, stalking etc

September 19, 2002
1:04 am
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silence
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I never stalked the editing girl. And I don't plan to. You're thinking of my movie theater girl. And that's the script I'm working on. I already wrote a treatment for it, but I wanted to start on the script while I was inspired. Well, it seems that Elvis has left the building, because all I want to do right now is play games on my computer all night.

September 19, 2002
1:31 pm
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silence
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I feel better today. I fell asleep again at 5 AM and had to wake up at 7:30 to go to school today. I instantly felt normal as soon as I stepped into my shower this morning.

I guess I'm getting better at falling on my ass now. Doesn't take me quite so long to stand up again.

September 19, 2002
3:46 pm
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mossrose
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Good for you, your getting stronger emotionally. You WILL meet someone special, i can FEEL it.
In the mean time get as creative as possible and write, write, write.
Nothing more attractive than a man with purpose and creativity.:)

September 19, 2002
10:01 pm
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silence
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Wish I had that feeling. I'm still not motivated right now though. I do plan on having something started before class next Tuesday, so I guess I'll just use the old standby motivation of finishing at the last minute. It got me through most of high school and college so it's not that bad a way of doing things.

September 25, 2002
5:24 pm
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silence
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Why can't I get away from this girl? I know we are no obligated to do a project together, but most of that can be accomplished through emails.

I will admit that I'm being a dick about this now. Last Friday and today I took a walk around campus instead of hanging around with her during the break. On friday I waited until she left before I did. But today she followed me out and walked with me to the parking areas.

I don't mind talking to her. She is an interesting person. But this would be much easier for me if I just plain didn't hang around her anymore. I know myself well enough to know that if I keep hanging around with her I'm going to become obsessed with her. I don't need another theater girl situation. True, I now have a great idea for a script because of it, but I don't want to go through this whole process again.

How come I can't meet a single girl that is interested in me?

September 26, 2002
6:42 am
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wine
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Silence,

If you are looking you will never find a single girl that likes you and you connect with.

You need to be happy with your life and concentrate on your writing. Then when you are happily living life and doing the things you like the girls will seem to appear and find you.

I think its a confidence thing.
It took along time for me to find someone, but beleive me it's not the end of the world and even though I love this person if it wasn't to work out I would be glad of the time I've had with them and I'm not scared of being single again coz I know I'm happy just enjoying life, meeting new people and having fun.

Try and be glad for what you have and the great person you are. You have a good sense of hummour and obviously are very talented. Stop dwelling on what you don't have look at the good things you do have and people will see a great confident guy and more people will be attracted to you. Not just coz the way you look but for the personallity and confidence shinning through.

I know its harder said than done. So I'm thinking of you and fingers crossed it will all work out the way you want, best of luck.

Wine

September 26, 2002
10:46 am
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Cici
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Hey silence, wine is right.

When I met my husband part of what attracted me was that he seemed so self-confident. Later on I realized this was a front.

The fact that he and I both had low self-esteem, but his is REALLY low, has been one of the most difficult parts about our relationship.

I really truely wish that he could love himself as much as I love him. But now that we are in a relationship, his task is that much more difficult - and there is a huge risk of developing an over-dependency on someone because of course they make you feel better about yourself - and if you don't already have a core of self-confidence, then this can become addictive.

You're a great guy - very funny, smart, lots of potential, and sarcasitc in a hilarious way. I've seen you post more and more, and you seem to be getting happier about things though I may be wrong. Just keep going and stop looking all the time. 🙂

September 26, 2002
12:14 pm
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silence
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There is something to be said for masochism though. I take abuse very well and am able to shoot it right back out where it needs to be.

I had to read my whole treatment for my script in front of the class today. Long treatment, but the teacher liked the fact that it was well structured and detailed. An example for the rest of the class. After I read it, I got the general consensus that they liked it, but they dug in deep with their critiquing claws. I've had plenty of experience with this so I am good at taking criticism.

On the way home I went over the three plot holes I knew I had to fix and one plot hole I didn't know about until they pointed it out. Then suddenly I had an idea that brought it all together. The whole story works now because of one little change. My theater girl story is going to work now damnit.

best compliment I got though was from the "mainstream=crap" guy in my class who said that he'd never watch this movie because it had no subtext whatsoever. It will make millions of dollars but it isn't art. Well, shit. That's exactly what I'm trying to do. I picked a genre based movie to write, not some arty metaphoric movie that only 5 people are going to watch.

Unfortunately, it doesn't change the fact that I still want a girlfriend. Confidence has never been my strong point.

September 26, 2002
1:16 pm
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Cici
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So why do you want a girlfriend? For companionship, sex, confidence booster, all of the above?

I've found that when you find yourself liking the person rather than thinking that they are good relationship material, things usually work out better.

September 26, 2002
2:07 pm
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silence
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All of those things. A few things more. It's hard to convey this in here. A lot of people are having the oppostite problem. You've all been in long lasting or serious relationships and see that as codependancy and have issues arrising from that.

I haven't had a girlfriend in 8 1/2 years now. And back when I did have girlfriends my relationships were not that strong and they were fairly destructive. The lonliness is just becoming unbearable for me now. These days I sleep with a pillow tucked under my arm instead of under my head. There is this great big hole in my life and I want to fix it.

September 27, 2002
12:01 pm
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silence
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I think today is cold shoulder day. I gave it to the editing girl and I seemed to have gotten it from everybody else I tried to talk to today. Must be someting in the air. Or maybe my underwear has gone stale.

September 27, 2002
1:14 pm
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Cici
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what goes around comes around....

September 27, 2002
3:30 pm
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silence
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yep. I slept again this afternoon. I'm sleeping a lot lately. But I feel better now. I'm going out to see some old horror movies tonight. It gets me out of the house so I'm stoked.

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