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Ramblings of a newcomer
August 10, 2008
5:12 pm
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butterfly_wisdom
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First time here. First time ever posting on anything like this. Life has been a hell roller-coaster for too long. I'm obviously in a co-dependent relationship and then some. LOTS and LOTS of bad things have been said and done from both of us. I used to think I was in this "prefect" happy relationship until I realized it was only so if I always pretended to be "perfect" and happy. Once I "broke" and needed his support he could not handel it. I could not handel that he was (and I realized always has been) emotionally unavailable, so I went elsewhere when at my lowest low. I know, bad decision. So, of course, it's gone from bad to worse, yet I can't seem to let go. I keep hanging on to the happier times that were almost too long ago to remember. He's ready to get out one minute but emotionally, and increasingly physically, abusive most of the time. I figured if I "took my punishment" long enough he would come around. But he gets more and more distant, resentfull, angry, everything bad. In turn I am more a wreck than ever and cling to everything non-productive to try to win him back. DUH! When am I going to start thinking what's good for me and 2 beutiful children stuck in this toxic environment. Why were we so great when we were young and free but as soon as kids came along it all went downhill...I'll answer that. Because he wanted to stay the kid and resented me for the added responsibility. I feel guilty for everything. Our life was a sham so I "destroyed" it, but really it was self-destructing from the start. In my mind I know this, but in my heart I feel lost, alone, desperate, angry, unworthy, unlovable, everything bad. I want to feel like myself again and be happy. Who am I? I am a horrible person that should have just kept smiling through it all!

August 10, 2008
5:19 pm
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suzieQ_85
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no no no. you should DEFINITELY NOT have been smiling through it all.
abuse is never never something you deserve!!!!!! it is dangerous, emotional abuse as well as physical abuse(the latter even life threatening)
you say you have kids. i know it's not easy but you MUST get out.

you made a mistake, but you DO NOT need to be punished like this.

i would recommend you to keep talking and reading on this board and get some help in the mean time. protect yourself and your children.

rememeber: you do not deserve to be abused!!!!!

good luck. we are here for you1

August 10, 2008
5:21 pm
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Giggles_29
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((((butterfly wisdom)))) WOW I read your thread and see so much of myself in it. I have recently broke up with my bf of 13yrs, we too have 1 child together. I too had gone looking for attention elsewhere when I was at my lowest low. YES dumb decision, and NO the grass wasn't greener on the other side, but hey the past is the past and I cannot change it, just as you cannot change your past.

I am sooooo sorry you are hurting right now, but you are not alone. I hope that you know you ARE worthy, you ARE loveable, you ARE a good mother. You deserve to be happy, and so do your children. They deserve a happy, healthy mother. May I ask how old your children are? Does he get abusive with you in front of them? Im sorry but if he's physically abusing you, you need to leave. What's to say he won't start doing the same with your children?

You need to not worry about him and worry about YOU and your children. Please keep reading and posting, it really does help. There are so many wonderful people here, and this site is just amazing !!! The support and concern is genuine.

August 10, 2008
6:26 pm
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PreciousG
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Butterfly,

Please please do not beat yourself up this way. This is just continuing the self destructive behavior. So you went to look for attention somewhere else big deal. At least you realize you want attentinon and need attention and deserve attention or you wouldn't have gone looking in the first place.

I am just horrified at your statement figured if I "took my punishment" long enough he would come around. That is so scary to me and so very sad. NO BODY DESERVES TO BE HIT!!!!! I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU DID!!!! You need to run as fast as you can away from this KID!!!

The most important thing for you to docus on now is getting out the house with the children. You can worry abput the rest later. JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE. Or, call the cops next time and have him arrested. Calll a hot line number for abusive women they will know exactly what you should do.

Please keep posting. This is truly a great site. It has helped me tremendopusly.

((((Butterfly)))

August 10, 2008
6:44 pm
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butterfly_wisdom
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I justify everything. He and others have said, if he really wanted to hurt me he would. That's true. He's a big guy that could knock me out with one punch. So then I think I'm overreacting and causing all the drama myself. G*d knows I'm not perfect. He's told me and reminded me how lucky I am to have him because most would not put up with my bull.

The other side of me reminds me that things have been escalating and I know that's a dangerous place to be. I realize the emotional abuse has always been there at some level. He never wanted to do anything I wanted to, never approved of my friends, and hates my family. I've isolated myself based on his opinions, then he tells me that was my fault and I never had to do that. He's brutally honest about what I wear, say, where I go, etc., all in the name of "constructive" criticism. IT'S NOT CONSTRUCTIVE WHEN IT'S CONSTANT!

I used to be stong, "independent", intelligent, motivated, witty... now I'm a shell of my former self and have to find the strength to raise a 4 and 2 year old alone. Well, not entirely alone. He'll still be a part of their lives with his huge codependently-supportive family. They will all spoil the kids rotten and let them do anything, while I'll have to be the bad mommy that sets rules and plans everything and makes sure their needs are being met. I hate that! He gets off the hook to still do all the fun stuff, as usual.

Ahhh... I'm angry and ready to move on today, but tomorrow I'll be weaping and wondering why he didn't love me enough. Why did everything else come first and our little family became an afterthought? Why am I no good to him unless I'm being usefull?

August 10, 2008
6:54 pm
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PreciousG
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Hold on to that anger and let it motivate you to take the fisr step. GET OUT!!! He is hurting you emotionally. At least for now you have the warewithall to know that you need to do something. I would be scared too. I was scared. Do I still have days that I am scared? Yes I do.

His abuse is going to continue nad the longer you put this off the more difficult it will be to leave and eventually you wont be able to because you will be so worn down or worse you could be dead. Then where will your children be?

You must think of the children. Forget about him loving you or why he didn't love you that is for another day. Just get you and your kids out of there and stop justifying everything. There is no justification for keeping children in an abusive situation like the one you are in.

I wish you all the best. Keep posting.

August 10, 2008
8:39 pm
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katiescarlet
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Butterfly,

I was in a similar relationship for 18 years, married for 13 of them. I would say my husband was never physically abusive but he would break things in front of me and abuse our dog. He did once shake our then 3 year old so agressively I had to pull him off. I finally asked him to leave the house when he threatened to hit me in front of our children. That was an eye-opener for me. I realized then that he was the one with the problem and nothing I could do would ever be good enough to make the emotional and verbal abuse stop.

I would advise you to search deep within yourself for the part of you that knows you deserve better. It is a long tough road to recovery but I promise you that there is a better way to live.

One year and much therapy, tears and self-hatred later, I have peace and happiness. And my children are more peaceful and content. It was and still is a rough road but one that I am glad I took. I found myself and you will too.

Good luck to you.

August 15, 2008
2:24 pm
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Longshot
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I'd like to offer the words of a book I'm reading titled "Toxic Relationships" by Kimberly Brasher. "No matter how much is given up to please a toxic personality, it will never be enough. They do not want peace, they want control." and "There is not, nor ever will be a time when physical violence against a spouse is an acceptable means to solve a problem." My heart hurts for you. I watched my mom live through exactly what you describe for 40+ years until my dad died. At my 40+ years I encourage you to get out, get out now and give not only you but your children a chance at a good life. As an adult now I say it's an incredible emotional trauma that your children have gone through and will continue going through whether they show any signs or not. I say that because I was a model student...no one knew what I dealt with at home. For you and for them, get out, seek help and get on with your life, your way. You deserve every good thing life has to offer. Believe in you again, you're still there:)

((butterfly wisdom))

August 15, 2008
2:38 pm
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Longshot
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Ok, here's the quote I couldn't find earlier-same book "Toxic Relationships" by Kimberly Brasher. "Toxic Relationships that involve physical violence are NOT worth staying in. You must leave and you must take your children with you to a place of safety." (Chapter 3). I hope for the best for you and your children:)

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