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R Just called
July 21, 2007
4:29 am
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It is 3 am where I am and R just called. We talked for about 30 minutes in which he told me he loved me, but I needed to find a father for my daughter. I told him she has a terrific father, always has. I told him I had wanted him for me. He again brought up that I had taken advantage of him and that he was always expected to pay for everything. He forgets what I contributed. Anyway, I know we aren't supposed to have contact with them when we are trying to get over them, but to hear him on the other end of the phone saying these things again. I felt nothing. I knew that he was just ranting. I didn't take any of it personally. I could also tell that he had been drinking. He kept telling me all the ways I took advantage of him. He brought up my financial situation and told me he knew I was hurting financially right now and that he didn't feel sorry for me, he had told me what to do six months ago and I ignored him. I never admitted tonight to being one way or the other. I listened to him. He said I sent him a text message, but I went back in my sent messages and I haven't sent anyone that message. He is confused. I really feel somewhat better. Like I have crossed a bridge. He doesn't want me. Fine. At least now I feel some sort of closure which I didn't have before.

Bitsy

July 21, 2007
7:11 am
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sad sack
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Hi Bitsy,

I was confused. When I first started reading your thread, I thought that R. called to say he was remorseful and that he wanted to make amends.

However, then as I read on, it seemed as if he just wanted to rehash all of the problems of the relationship once again. How did you manage to NOT take any of what he said personally? He said some very harsh things.

What exactly was the purpose of the phone call? And was the fact that he was drinking have any impact on how you felt during and afterward?

You said you felt nothing and that you crossed an "emotional" bridge. And that the phone call helped provide closure for you.

Do you still feel that way? If so, I suppose the phone call was a good thing for you.

I hope you can move forward from this point. Put the relationship with R.(and his mother) behind you. Shift your focus away from him and the failed relationship and on to you and your bright future. You have your precious daughter to concentrate on as well.

It seems as if you have been through a lot in a short period of time, but that you came out with a newfound awareness and strength. Good for you.

I wish you the best Bitsy. I hope you will remain to be strong and go on with your life.

Have a good weekend.
Sad

July 21, 2007
10:09 am
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Yes, in the phone call he said that he wanted to get married again, that he was tired of being alone. Then he said it had been stressful to him for me to be next door. Ok if it is stressful to have the woman you are involved with next door where you aren't together all the time, how stressfull does he think it will be for him to actually share a house with someone he is involved with. He wants to be married to someone who doesn't have children and can focus totally on him. I don't know where he is going to find this woman. I don't think she exists. Women I know either have children, want children, or are lesbians and either want or don't want children. I felt sorry for him. In wanting the elusive dream woman he hurt and lost a woman who really wanted and loved him.
Somehow when he said he didn't want a woman with a child and did not want to be anyones father it was like pouring cold water on me. I firmly believe that every child should be wanted and loved. I have been emotional and crying over him the past few weeks, but I have had the best time with my daughter.
Yes, I wanted to hear him say he loved me and missed me etc, but it was empty last night. He said he had not called me because he knew he would get emotional and start crying. Well BF Deal! He knew when he and I first got involved that I had a child. I never misled him on that. Part of him not wanting children comes straight from his mother. In the past when he was relaxed and let his guard down he was wonderful with my daughter. They played XBox, we played board games, he bought various DVD's he thought she would enjoy. The "lore" is that his ex-wife was an alcoholic and his mother kept telling him not to let her get pregnant because the baby would be born deformed. His mother told me a while back that she had drilled it into his head and caused him not to want children of his own.
Anyway when you put him down on paper in black and white he just doesn't look as good as he once did.

Bitsy

July 21, 2007
10:32 am
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StronginHim77
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Bitsy -

He sure said some cruel things to you. Now, there should be no doubt in your mind or heart as to what he really is. Knowing what he is, I hope you will find the courage to change your phone number to a private, unlisted one and begin your recovery from this abusive, twisted, toxic man.

He is SO cruel. Put your daughter first in your life and keep her there. Never, ever expose yourself to a man with such sick attitudes about children.

- Ma Strong

July 21, 2007
10:54 am
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Thanks Ma Strong. Sometimes it just makes you wonder what happens in peoples lives to make them the way they are. He has two older brother who each have 3 children. The oldest one drove two hours every Friday night for however many years to make it to his son's football games. No matter where he was and how long it took to get there, by the time his son came off the football field his dad was waiting on him. He buys his wife a bouquet of fresh flowers every week, because he has to travel so much and wants her to know he appreciates all she does to hold the family together. His other brother is married to a woman who became addicted to crack and crystal meth. He left her and took the two children they had at the time. She became pregnant by another man had a baby and was involved in a very bad car accident. She is brain damaged, but he went back home with his two children to take care of their mother and 1/2 brother. The youngest child does not know that this man is not his father. That brother says this child is my childrens brother he deserves a home as well.
R is the youngest by 8 or so years. It would be interesting to know what shaped him and made him so different from his two brothers. I know his father was more absent during his childhood and died when R was 19. I have a feeling there are some unresolved issues there, but you know what they aren't my issues. I want to raise a strong happy daughter.
It is hard to turn off the feelings I once had for this man. I want a future eventually with someone and I want to build a life together, travel and plan for later in life. R is not that person. I really feel that the way he is now he will never be happy. I think he is going to be a lonely bitter old man and his mother will be partially to blame. He could probably benefit from some councelling as well, but he is of the personality that nothing is wrong with him it is the rest of the world that is crazy. Like I said earlier in the week the blinders are starting to fall off and I am seeing things more clearly.

Bitsy

July 21, 2007
3:56 pm
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I had to drive right by his house or at least the turnoff to get to the subdivision where I have to sit today. In the past I would have made some excuse and stopped by to see him and let him know I care. I purposely called a friend and stayed on the phone with her until I got to my office and ran out of time before I had to be here so that I could not go by. I admit there was a tiny part of me that wanted to go to him despite all the past ugliness, but there was a stronger part of me that resisted. I can't be the woman he thinks he wants. He will never find her. I have a friend who keeps telling me to do the next right things. She has been married to a man just like R and has the same kind of relationship with his mother that R does for 14 years. They have two children. Several years ago she went into a recovery program where she went two nights a week for 18 months. She has shared her insights with me. Last night she and her girls came and had dinner with my daughter and me. She has finally come to the decision to pursue a divorce. She says you just can't win in this situation. She is the one I stayed on the phone with today. Just keep doing the next right thing. From now on I will try not to let my bitterness towards him and his mother hamper my happiness. I will focus on myself, my daughter and my career and as someone else told me the best revenge is success. I am down right now, both emotionally and financially but I won't always be.

Bitsy

July 21, 2007
5:34 pm
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StronginHim77
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One of the serious "red flags" for a potentially abusive partner (abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal, etc.) is a person who dislikes (or cannot form a tender relationship with) children or pets. BEWARE OF SUCH A PERSON. This is a serious sign that he is incapable of healthy relationships with ANYONE.

I am glad you have found out and faced what he is now...before getting any closer or more deeply involved.

- Ma Strong

July 21, 2007
6:18 pm
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See, he really is screwed up. You should see how kind he is to his four cats. They live like kings and queens. They are his children. Although he hates dogs because one attacked one of his cats. Go figger!
I got a call today that he and C are at the beach today, hanging out, eating Po Boys. I almost got asked out tonight, but told him I would have to take a rain check, my daugher is leaving for camp tomorrow and I am staying home with her. He told me he would call next week and take me out while she is gone.
I have another guy friend who has held my hand through this ordeal. He called this afternoon to tell me that he got engaged this morning. I am really happy for him.

Bitsy

July 21, 2007
6:22 pm
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By the way, how dreadfully "convenient" of him to notice that you have a child and -- thus -- he cannot have a longterm, committed relationship with you AFTER he has had the fun of sexual intimacy with you. NICE TIMING. He sure is a USER.

July 21, 2007
7:01 pm
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Bitsy,

You did not need to listen to his rant. If he has told you he wants a woman with no children, that is not you and there is not hope for having a relationship with him. So, let it go.

Next time he calls you for any reason? Hang up the phone.

Concentrate on being a good parent to your daughter. When the time is right, the right man will come along.

Z.

July 21, 2007
7:27 pm
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I really would appreciate more comments and/or words of encouragement. I logically know all the things you are saying but it does help to "hear"/read it and get other peoples opinions.
I posted earlier about a guy friend who got engaged this morning. He has been quite honest in the past that he cheated on his wife and that is how his marriage ended. I met him through a Christian blog site where I had asked for prayers in the past. He emailed me and kind of became my phone pal. He gave me words of encouragement and even lightly flirted with me about coming out west to visit him. He has stated openly that he has remained celibate since his divorce and has re-dedicated his life to Christ. I did what I thought was best. I sent him an email entitled. Thanks, Congratulations, and Goodbye. I thanked him for showing me that perhaps another man could be interested in me and what I had to say and for lightly flirting with me. I contratulated him and told him I would be praying for him and that if I was doing the calculations right, perhaps one day he would get to celebrate a golden anniversary, and in conclusion I was telling him goodbye and to have a GOOD life.
I don't even know why I felt compelled to share my little side story of my cyber-cell-phone friend. He was nice and would pray with me over the phone.

Bitsy

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