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Questions about abuse
August 26, 2007
9:02 pm
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georgiamommy
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I think my son may have been sexually abused by my father. He's 5 yrs old.
I need advise if anyone can help.

I'm curious if anyone can share some signs of sexual abuse. He has no physical signs.

August 26, 2007
10:11 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Georgiamommy,

I am so sorry to hear that you and your son are facing this- but thank you for seeking help and beleiving your son.

Here are a few websites I found on google that might be helpful

http://www.stopitnow.com/comquest.html

http://www.menstuff.org/issues.....dboys.html

http://www.saviorshope.org/war.....gsigns.php

I would encourage you to call a rape hotline or other abuse center to see what resources are available in your area.

Sending warm thoughts and lots of strength and courage to you and your son,

Chelonia

August 27, 2007
12:06 am
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Raphael
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Dear Georgiamommy,

I am so sorry to hear your story. I was sexually abused from the time I was five until I was fiteen years old by a male peer.

There really aren't any physical signs, or mental ones either. My parents never knew for ten years. They even babysat the kid who abused me while it was going on in my own room. The only way to tell is is your son begins acting out sexually or expressing mature content in any way. He is far too young to have any carnal knowledge. If he does, it is very possible that somebody inflicted it upon him and he didn't just hear it on TV.

Ask him if he was touched or hurt by his grandpa. Be direct. Tell him he won't get in trouble and that you love him no matter what, but it's important that you know. Abused kids are often seduced into thinking they've done wrong and are convinced that they will be in trouble if they tell-either by a parent or their abuser. There's an perveted bond created for the victim by the abuser. Your son may be convinced that he needs this kind of relationship in order to be likeable. The longer it goes on, the more difficult it will be for him to betray that "bond", which would lead to feelings of failure or a great loss. He will believe this for a long time and it will be an issue in all relationships unless he gets help. Make him feel safe enough to confide in you and the healing process might begin.

Hope this helps. Best of luck to you!

~Raphael

August 27, 2007
11:32 am
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georgiamommy
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Thank you all so much for your response.
The problem I am having is that my son has been doing weird things latley, like trying to put his finger in his brothers bottom, and also he is having bowel movements in his pants. He has been potty trained for a few years now, so this is strange. He's only 5 yrs old, and everytime I ask him if anything has happened with his papa- he say's no.
I was abused by my father when I was young but was always made to think that it was because he was drinking all the time and now-20 yrs later he is "better". My son is around him once or twice a week and my dad is very much a part of his life. I don't want to think that there is something going on but things are starting to add up.
Any suggestions? I don't want to just start pointing fingers since my son says nothing has happened, on the other hand, if something has happened, I want to get help for my son.

August 27, 2007
12:43 pm
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Raphael
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Don't worry about being "the bad guy". If nobody's guilty, then you can apologize later. If nothing is done though, the damage is far worse. It may mean not being liked right away, but hopefully they will all apprecite your care and concern later on. You know what's best and your suspicions are completely justifiable, having been a victim yourself! Don't let it go or be afraid of rejection beacuse of it. That's just the abuse from your own childhood playing on your head again like a broken record. You have to address this issue for your own sanity as well. Confront it, if need be, in a group setting with a professional. Maybe you can trick them all into going with you for group therapy under the pretext that you need it for yourself. Then the issues involving them can be addressed by you withthe professional's help and support.

August 27, 2007
1:04 pm
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fantas
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"I was abused by my father when I was young but was always made to think that it was because he was drinking all the time and now-20 yrs later he is "better". My son is around him once or twice a week and my dad is very much a part of his life. I don't want to think that there is something going on but things are starting to add up"

Why have you trusted this man around your son if he abused you? You need to stop second guessing yourself, take your son to the Dr. and explain what has been going on.Let them decide whether or not he is being molested. If he is, you father needs to be prosecuted. In the mean time, you need to cease all contact with your father who is a known pedophile.

There is only one option here, ensure the safety of your son at all cost.

Keep us posted.

August 27, 2007
2:49 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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georgiamommy - I think it's a unsafe to think your father's molesting you was due to drinking - it may be - but why risk your own child with this man?

I am not here to judge you - I know it hurts to think it may have happened again. I used to babysit for a family - who's grandpa abused the granddaughter - only to find out later that he had once molested the little girl's mother, as well as many cousins.

As far as I am concerned - once a molester, always - I wouldn't risk finding out otherwise.

In any case, the damage may be done - if not - it may be a good wake up call.

Call children's services - they are TRAINED to interview your son and find out if he has been touched. Do NOT try to interview your son on your own - as you may "put" ideas into his head. If you later need to prosecute, you need to know that his testimony is sound - and the prosecutor needs to know he wasn't "taught" what to say.

So, get a pediatrician or child services involved - if it's nothing - then you can sleep easier at night. You may find out (like another poster here) that your son was involved in something else with another CHILD - and saw something he shouldn't have...or another child told him something. And it wasn't grandpa.

Either way, to ease your fears, get a trained professional to evaluate him.

August 27, 2007
8:58 pm
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fantas
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bumping this

August 28, 2007
3:03 pm
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Anonymous
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My signs were all over the place and interestingly enough, I never knew I was abused this happened to me till many decades later.

Some of my effects were...

Not fitting in anywhere and not feeling lovable.
Having one friend who used me.
Low Self esteem and drug and alcohol abuse which I got away from "somehow"
Feeling inferior to everyone else
Afraid to take control of my life, work and learn to drive and even set up my own checking account!
No friends..controlling mother and absent father.
Siblings who hurt me physically and verbally

Now...I had no idea and this is really just a short list of some of the many effects that abuse has ruined my life. I got help a bit too late but I got it and today I do enjoy a good life but I also suffer many physical effects from the lifetime of abuse, control and pain.

I thought my life was normal and this was how it was in life and that I was just not a good person who did not have things that others had, I had no job, no car, no friends, no money and no support, if not for my husband and life today, far far away from my abusive family, I would be dead or living in the street somewhere.

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