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Question on controlling husband.. please help
February 2, 2005
9:16 am
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mrslewis
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Phalic -
I have a question for you, or anyone else...
I'm going to tell you about the situation that my husband is currently mad about. I want to know honestly if I was out of line.
I worked at a company for 18 months. There were about 18 people in my general area so naturally over time we all got to know each other pretty well. Mostly women, except for 2 men. One of the guys, we'll call him Steve, was a nice guy but he was very quiet. He mostly focused on his work and didn't talk a whole lot to anyone. Every once in a while I'd have a conversation with him but since he is so quiet we didn't talk all of the time. Well, I got fired from there and several people emailed me after I was gone to see what was going on. Steve contacted me, too, and like all of the other friends I communicated with, I corresponded several times by email back and forth with him. It was just friendly, casual conversation. At the end of my first email response to him, I said something like it was nice talking to you, take care. Call or email me anytime. To me, this was just showing him that I considered him a friend and I like talking to him. I have no bad intentions and am not attracted to this guy. My husband was snooping (as usual) and found our emails. He is outraged and says that there is no way I should be asking a man to call or email me. And, the way I was talking to him sounded like I was hitting on him. It was things about work, etc. He says I never told him I was friends with Steve before, so why all of a sudden do I have an interest in him. But, I've known the guy for 18 months and the only reason I didn't talk to him at work as much as some of the others is because he's just a quiet person. I'm not sneaking around and like I said, i have no bad intentions or want to hide anything, or certainly don't want to cheat! Was it wrong of me to try to continue a casual friendship with an innocent male, just the same as I was doing with the female co-workers? Please be honest with me.

February 2, 2005
9:16 am
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mrslewis
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Phalic -
I have a question for you, or anyone else...
I'm going to tell you about the situation that my husband is currently mad about. I want to know honestly if I was out of line.
I worked at a company for 18 months. There were about 18 people in my general area so naturally over time we all got to know each other pretty well. Mostly women, except for 2 men. One of the guys, we'll call him Steve, was a nice guy but he was very quiet. He mostly focused on his work and didn't talk a whole lot to anyone. Every once in a while I'd have a conversation with him but since he is so quiet we didn't talk all of the time. Well, I got fired from there and several people emailed me after I was gone to see what was going on. Steve contacted me, too, and like all of the other friends I communicated with, I corresponded several times by email back and forth with him. It was just friendly, casual conversation. At the end of my first email response to him, I said something like it was nice talking to you, take care. Call or email me anytime. To me, this was just showing him that I considered him a friend and I like talking to him. I have no bad intentions and am not attracted to this guy. My husband was snooping (as usual) and found our emails. He is outraged and says that there is no way I should be asking a man to call or email me. And, the way I was talking to him sounded like I was hitting on him. It was things about work, etc. He says I never told him I was friends with Steve before, so why all of a sudden do I have an interest in him. But, I've known the guy for 18 months and the only reason I didn't talk to him at work as much as some of the others is because he's just a quiet person. I'm not sneaking around and like I said, i have no bad intentions or want to hide anything, or certainly don't want to cheat! Was it wrong of me to try to continue a casual friendship with an innocent male, just the same as I was doing with the female co-workers? Please be honest with me.

February 2, 2005
9:22 am
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readyforachange
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I honestly think your husband is paranoid and controlling, and that you were not at all wrong in having a friendly correspondence with a co-worker. Do not allow him to make you feel that you did something wrong when you know in your heart it wasn't wrong. That is part of the game, part of the control, part of the manipulation. Don't allow yourself to be sucked into it.

My husband never trusted me, and that issue alone was the death of our marriage. He questioned every phone call I received, every conversation I had with another man, every letter I got, even went through my notebooks from college and accused me of cheating on him with classmates I was assigned to do homework projects with. Unbelievable. You cannot rebuild trust with this kind of person...just know in your heart that you are not doing anything wrong.

If you value your relationship, please get help and counseling now. This issue will continue to tear you apart...be strong, and be well. Good luck.

February 2, 2005
2:19 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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No. It is not wrong to have a casual friendship with a man at work. I've had casual friendships with married women and even gone out to lunch with them.

The trick question is, given the most normal of circumstances, would you have felt the need to "hide" this friendship?

Most people who are going to cheat on their husband or wife are a bit more circumspect than to leave an e-mail arranging for a rendezvous or communique out in the open.

My suggestion is that you not try and acquire evidence to overturn your husband's decision making. Most husbands aren't going to feel the need to snoop around their wife's e-mail account.

February 2, 2005
3:15 pm
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MRSGOC
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MRSLEWIS.

I READ YOUR CONCERNS, AND WE ARE FRIENDS! I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR 8 YEARS!
YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A STRONG WOMAN WITH A GOOD HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDERS...
SO WHY WOULD YOU LET A MAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE LESS THAN WHAT YOU TRUELY ARE? LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS,
GOD GAVE THEM TO YOU FOR A REASON!
LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE, THEY ARE SPEAKING FROM EXPERIANCE!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE....SOME OF US KNOW YOUR SITUATION AND THATS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS TRAVELED THIS TURBULANT ROAD....WE HAVE ALL TRAVELED A SIMILAR PATH IN OUR LIVES AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER.
THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
NOTHING WILL CHANGE UNTIL YOUR HUSBANDS CAN SEE HIS ABUSE, AND DECIDES TO CHANGE ON HIS OWN!
WE CANNOT FORCE CHANGE, IT MUST BE DONE FREELY !

February 3, 2005
11:23 am
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mrslewis
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My husband and I went to our first counseling session last night. It was a lot of arguing back and forth. A lot of issues came out and I was defending myself as I always do. Don't know if he's thinking about it today or not. Nothing was said about it once we got home. I'm really not sure if he's even able to change - he seems pretty stuck in his way of thinking. Should I continue to go to counseling with him and see what happens or should I just leave? I don't know what to do at this point. Part of me says just leave and get it over with, but the other part of me says that i should give this a chance, because if I leave now, i will always wonder if it could have worked out.

February 4, 2005
11:05 pm
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MRSGOC
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MRSLEWIS,
COUNSELING CAN ONLY BE AS REWARDING AS THE PARTICAPATES ALLOW IT TO BE!
IF YOUR HUSBAND DOESNT SEEM TO BE INTERESTED IN ACKNOWLEDGING THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM, AND ISNT WILLING TO ACCEPT HIS PART IN THE RELATIONSHIP REPAIR, THEN WHAT MORE CAN YOU DO?
IF ALL HE CAN DO IS POINT FINGARS , THEN SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TELL HIM TO LOOK AT HIS HAND, BECAUSE I GUARENTEE THAT HE HAS A FEW FINGARS POINTING RIGHT BACK AT HIM!
IF YOUR HUSBAND IS REBELLING AGAINST MARITAL HELP , THEN THE MARRIAGE IS
SURELY DOOMED TO FAIL....BUT IF IT DOES FAIL, PLEASE DONT THINK OF IT AS YOUR FAILURE...YOU HAVE TRIED AND
SOMETIMES A PERSONS EFFORT SEEM FRUITLESS, BUT REMEMBER IT TAKES TWO TO HAVE A MARRIAGE AND IT TAKES TWO TO HAVE A DIVORCE.....IT ONLY TAKES ONE TO BE BRAVE AND STRONG!
MY ADVISE: FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOURS AND YOUR DAUGHTERS HAPPINESS AND WELL BEING!
LIKE THE OLD SAYING GOES....YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CANT MAKE IT DRINK....I HOPE THE COUNSELING PROVES TO BE MORE HELPFUL,
WHEATHER IT SAVES OR ENDS THE MARRIAGE. JUST TRY TO BE HONEST WITH YOUR SELF ON HOW YOU FEEL, AND THEN YOU WILL KNOW WHICH DIRECTION YOU NEED TO MOVE....MOVE ON TOGETHER, OR MOVE ON IN SEPERATE LIVES!

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