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Question on controlling husband.. please help
February 1, 2005
4:37 pm
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captkirk
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I want to get close to her but then I am afraid to get my heart ripped out again. Our marriage right now is better than it probably ever has been but I hope she isnt cheating because I can't forgive her again. If anything, I am more of the problem now with my paranoia but shouldn't she realize what I have been put thru? She says cheat on me so she can then understand but I dont think that is a solution and she can just use it against me at a later time.

February 1, 2005
4:41 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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I have met too many battered women in my life. I also just got out of a business partnership with an NPD and living with him, until two months ago, I got to see what he did to his wife.

I'm not giving this advice lightly or from an uninformed point of view. I am telling you some of the things some of the women I know told me they had wish they heard and some of the things they heard and wished they'd listenned to.

Call a battered women's shelter. At least Google one.

I got lucky to get away from my Narcissist. I lost everything but if he asked me today if I wanted it back, even tenfold, I would assertively decline to never have to go through what I went through with him again.

February 1, 2005
4:52 pm
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brownie
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Hello mrslewis.

I can relate to you all the way.I have been married to my husband for 15 years and now i am in the process of getting a divorce.He has always been controlling,manipulative and verbally abusive since he got off of drugs.I don't know if your husband ever used but when i first met my husband,he did not appear to be like that.So it seems like once they used drugs,the real them comes out.

It is control that hes doing.Right now i am in a situation where as we stay at his dads house,me and my 3 kids and he would say that the house is his,when in reality,its not.He have put us out in the past and we had to go to shelters.And i had stayed with my mother which is just as bad,because they both act so much alike.She put us out and now we are back here.I had to play it off when we got back here.My kids did not want to go to a shelter again and i can't blame them.Its the same thing now,i have to put up with his controlling until we can get our place.I'm in the process of getting one.Then once we get our place,i will rob him and his pockets,meaning i will take him to court to get a divorce and to get child support.I am a god-fearing person so i don't believe in revenge.Vengeance is gods.He will handle it.So thats what it is,i am eating crow until i get my independence.

Is there some way he would go for therapy?to work out the marriage.We used to go but then he stopped going.I hope he will consider.Maybe you may have to put your foot down and let him know that if he don't go then your need time to be separated for awhile until hopefully he change his mind about therapy.

Keep posting and let us know.Good Luck.

February 1, 2005
4:58 pm
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mrslewis
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Ok, are there any men here who can understand why I am so upset. My husband is always telling me that the information I find on emotional abuse/controlling behavior,etc.. is only because that's what I'm looking to find - someone or something that agrees with how I feel about the issues. I printed numerous pages I have collected on the topic but he won't read them because of that. There is absolutely no reasoning with this man. He says that he doesn't want his wife communicating with other men in no way. He says that leads to bad things. I tell him bad things will happen only if I want them to happen, and I don't. I just want to hear from some "normal" men to make sure what my husband thinks and says is crazy. I guess I know it is but would like to hear it from a guy.

February 1, 2005
4:59 pm
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captkirk
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capt kirk would like some advice from anybody, particularly females!

February 1, 2005
5:00 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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I am a guy and your husband is abnormal.

February 1, 2005
5:03 pm
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captkirk
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mrslewis, if you have never cheated on him and he has no reason to not trust you (unlike my situation) I think he needs assistance. would he do counseling? i would in ia heartbeat if she would, but she doesn't want to hear that she is wrong. does he go thru your purse and finances and things like that? how controlling is he? i actually was writing my wifes mileage on her car down for a few weeks and checking times on shopping receipts but i am glad i m over that hump because it was killing me mentally. I hope i can help u...

February 1, 2005
5:08 pm
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mrslewis
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He just thinks up these things on his own - I've never given him a reason to treat me this way. He sees and hears about husbands and wives cheating and all the other bullshit that goes on and thinks that I am going to be the same way. I don't know if you read my first post? He goes through everything and is constantly accusing me of things I don't even think of! I just really want to move on and get out of this because he's ruining me. I just need to get a plan and some courage. Then I'm out of here. I've been through so many tough times in my life and I seem to live through them. This will be one more situation to get through, I guess.

February 1, 2005
5:10 pm
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captkirk
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phalic_liberator started a thread just for me if you want to reply to me

How do I cope with fear of abandonment after cheating?

February 1, 2005
5:10 pm
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mrslewis
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He has mentioned once or twice that he doesn't like feeling those things or not trusting me and that he should get help. But most of the time he says the opposite. He says that he is right and I am wrong. I haven't done anything wrong or immoral. I truely am a good person and want a happy marriage.

February 1, 2005
5:25 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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There might be hope for him but you can't rely on that to save your marraige or him. I'm sorry you're in such a mess and I know you're a good person. Your husband may want to be a good person too. He just doesn't know how.

Having said that, the behavior your husband is displaying, that you are telling us about here has been nothing short of a series of red flags that occur prior to the first push into a bookcase.

Does he ever get physical with you in a fight? (ie. pushing, grabbing, shoving, preventing you from leaving being even physically menacing while arguing with you)

Does he ever threaten you that you are going to "make" him do something he doesn't want to?

He already is abusing you psychologically. If it gets physical that has its own psychological consequences.

February 1, 2005
5:29 pm
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mrslewis
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One of the biggest reasons I'm having a hard time figuring out how or when to end this is my daughter. Her biological father is no good and really isn't in her life. When he is, he's a terrible influence and puts her in bad situations. (She's 5 1/2 years old) My husband is the only dad she's had that will support her and take care of her. I'm worried about her if I leave him. I don't want her to be sad and confused as to why her dad isn't around anymore. How can I make this easier on her?

February 1, 2005
5:31 pm
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mrslewis
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Phalic -
No, he's never harmed me physically or threatened to. I guess that doesn't mean he never will.

February 1, 2005
5:37 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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That's a good question. It may mean that she needs counseling. It would be something that you two could do together and individually.

Remember that regardless of the impact of leaving now there are harder prices to pay for the both of you in staying.

In the interum you can tell her that you are having to do something that you thought you weren't going to have to do and that you are doing what you are doing because you love her and don't want anything bad to happen to either of you.

I hate advising someone to keep secrets but you shouldn't tell a 5 and a half year old about your immediate considerations. She might tell the husband. Remember. Call a battered women's shelter. They have a ton of resources and can guide you in the right direction.

February 1, 2005
5:41 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Just because he hasn't yet doesn't mean he won't. The bottom line is that he has you in a position, now, that if he does take it to that level you don't have very many resources.

This is common in physical abuse but regardless of that happening or not what has occurred already is intollerable and inexcusable. You are being abused.

February 1, 2005
5:50 pm
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icky
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mrslewis,
How likely will you find another job, that is good enough to support you and your daughter? You have to figure out a way to be financially independent first. Otherwise, you will end up feeling more and more hopeless emotionally and physically. The thing is that if you have been unhappy,your daughter has somehow sensed it. How do you know that your husband won't be controlling over her life when she gets older? Would you want that to happen to her? You need to set an example for her; to "show" her what it means to stand up for yourself and not let anyone controlling your life.

Don't give up...for your daughter's sake.

February 1, 2005
5:54 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Icky,

What is your experience in finding a job and then leaving an abusive relationship..

PL

February 1, 2005
5:59 pm
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icky
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PL,
why? did I say something wrong? just a suggestion...

February 1, 2005
6:02 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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You didn't say anything wrong, per se. It's just that I don't think being unemployed should prevent someone from leaving an abusive relationship. You seemed to be suggesting that one should have a job before leaving a relationship and while I agree that would be ideal I do not think someone should stay in a dangerous situation that might actually be preventing them from getting a job.

February 1, 2005
6:04 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Icky,

Again, I am reitterating. You didn't say anything wrong.

PL

February 1, 2005
6:14 pm
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icky
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Ok! Agree with you! PL
Regardless when she finds another job,there is no doubt that mrslewis needs to get out of this marriage.
Being financially independent can empowering!

February 1, 2005
6:17 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Being financially independent can be empowering. I agree. I wish I were more financially independent too. God knows I would devote a lot of my resources to this issue, here if I were.

February 1, 2005
6:31 pm
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sewunique
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nrs.lewis,

You are only recently married, getting out of this relationship is eaier for you now, than to wait 17 yrs like myself.

Now that you found this site with this warm and friendly bunch of us, may I suggest that you continue to keep asking more questions and venting more about what is going on.

Why? You have described an abusive controlling spouse. Usually, this type of abuse talkes awhile to grow and escalate when many of the behaviors are subtle, like yours is now in only one year of marriage. .

The physical abuse can come later. Later, when you no longer question, is this normal of him? Later, when your self esteem is lower than yours is right now, so you will become embeshed into his person, seeing everything thru him and totally dependent upon him, obeying, never questioning while he takes on further control. Later, when you no longer have any friends or family available, shutting the window drapes, not answering the phone or doorbell; being removed from society. You become alone, isolated under his continued abuse and control to satisfy his anger.

Does this sound like it could happen to you? Think you could prevent it? Think again. Abuse is not self-limiting to the poor, uneducated lower socio-economic class of our society. It lurks in all forms of humans.

Continued abuse will suck the very life out of you, given the time. I know, I really felt had I not stayed any longer, I would not be here today. I could no longer work as a professional. My adult daughter was told her calling me on the phone; "just upsets your Mom every time you two talk and I will not allow it," so she no longer was available or realizing what was going on.

I thought I would die. And I ran, I left after having a hap-hazard escape plan. I did not leave too soon. His passive/agressive behavior turned aggressive and this pillar of the community, this professional man who so many adored, was a threat to me, that I suddenly found out how fast I could call 911 on my cell phone.

Keep talking here and gaining information. Get those phone numbers, have them and your cell phone on your person, at all times, and call the women's shelter now. Then you can make a decision.

But please for your sake, think fast and get a plan.

Sew

February 1, 2005
6:57 pm
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sewunique
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I'm just scrolling down now to read the rest of your thread, ms.L

Reading over your shoulder, he does this? Mine did, too. In private, I called him 'my parrot on my shoulder' cuz everything you say or do is scrutinized; he actually read my PC screen to read my letters I was e-mailing to friends while in the same room with him. He may say things like; I know better, you are crazy or stupid. You make no sense what you're saying.

Your freedom of living as a human being is being taken away. What PL said is true; that just you asking the question if you are crazy or not, is this normal for him to be this way? is a strong indicator that there is more than meets the eye.

I bet you keep talking, you will soon begin to realize and question if your situation is healthy or not, if your safey is in jeapordy. If you have any fears, and not know what it is from, or feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him; these are signs that something here is terribly wrong. You may not even be able to put your finger on what it is.

Getting information from these sites and the women's abuse center can quickly help to identify what is right or wrong about abuse or not. Your eyes will open wide when you begin to learn.

Then you have to make some quick decisions for you and your daughter. What you do, laeaving in abusive situation or leaving to take care of yourself and your daughter, she will learn from you. It may not e easy to leave, but she can learn positives from it and will adjust if you are there for her to love and nurture her.

You never mentioned any therapy or counseling? This is something to strongly consider. Even if you all go that route, this present home situation you are in, is very risky.

February 1, 2005
7:29 pm
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mrslewis
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To answer your questions concerning my employment, I am a licensed realtor, but there is no guaranteed income there. I don't think it will be too hard to find another job, but the question is, what will it pay? Before i met my husband, I worked 2 jobs, about 60 hours a week. I never saw my daughter and I was burned out. But, now that situation is starting to look good compared to the one I'm in. At least then I was free and not controlled by anyone!

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