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Question on controlling husband.. please help
February 1, 2005
9:48 am
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mrslewis
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I've been married for a year to a man who is constantly looking for things to get mad at me about. I can't have friends, male or female. He says that it is very wrong for a married woman to talk to other men. No matter how much I try to convince him that I love him and am faithful to him, he doesn't care. He will over-analyze everything to try to make whatever I do wrong. He constantly throws things from my past in my face. He has lied and kept things from me, and I think that might be part of why he treats me the way he does. I don't even want to look at him anymore. Here's a small example from yesterday. I bought a bottle of wine because I was in the mood to drink it. I simply mentioned buying it and my husband suddenly accused me of making plans with another man. Am I crazy, or is this really abnormal?

February 1, 2005
10:17 am
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Refuse2GiveUp
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You are NOT crazy. My partner doesn't allow me to see any other male, either, and it is really putting stress on our relationship. Also, like you said, he brings up my past alot, about how much it bothers him that I have had other relationships before him. I try to get him to understand that I can't do anything about this, but he just continually brings it up becuase it bothers him so much.

I really don't have much advice to offer, because I am in a similar situation in a way. But at least I can tell you that you are not alone. When I posted about this issue (thread titled: "It's not jealousy") people mostly said he was being controlling, but I don't want to believe that is true.

How do you feel abotu your husband?

Refuse2GiveUp

p.s. I have never lied to him or cheated or anything so I hate that he treats me as if I am not able to be trusted, you konw?

February 1, 2005
12:33 pm
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jastypes
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I was married to a controlling man. Actually, I'm still married to him, but he's no longer controlling. Why? Because I learned to not let him have control over what I do. Simple to say, but it took years of work on my part -- counseling, praying, growing, learning, support groups. It was definitely worth it. I will never let a man determine what I can or cannot do again. I will never let my husband take anything away from my life ever again. Husbands can only get control if you let them. Once they know you mean business, they'll either leave (not likely, as the controlling is a symptom of their own insecurity) or learn to love you for who you are.

jill

February 1, 2005
12:40 pm
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whitelight
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yes, this is a control issue, but I think this man suffers from major insecurity, too.

February 1, 2005
12:53 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Mrs. Lewis,

Your husband is really, really, really abnormal. He's obviously paranoid. The fact that you are having to ask this question says that there is more going on there than meets the eye.

I'm sorry but your man is sick and if he won't get help or you find yourself afraid of him that is a sure sign you need to get out of there.

Good luck,

PL

February 1, 2005
12:53 pm
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addicts wife
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He definatly sounds insecure...
Throwing up the past in your face is a MAJOR sign of that insecurity... The past is in the past, let it stay there, there is nothing you can do about what has been done.. Was he a virgin when you married?? Most likely not, what makes his past ok??? have you asked him that???
If you want a glass of wine, by all means, go get a bottle of wine, Letting him speak to you and accuse you of ridiculous things is absurd.
stand your ground, and dontbe afraid t ospeak up!
you areworth it!!!!

February 1, 2005
2:01 pm
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mrslewis
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Wow, already so many responses! How glad I am to have stumbled across this website! I will also say that I haven't given him a reason not to trust me; no cheating, lying or anything like that. For a while I started to believe that I was the one with the problem. That's why I need to find the reassurance so many of you have already given me.
Refuse2GiveUp; you asked me how I feel about my husband. I'm really not sure right now. The main thing that keeps going through my head is how and when should I get out of this marriage. It's all very scary. The things he brings up about my past are usually things about when I was younger; stories I told him in confidence because I trusted him. So these things aren't even issues that pertain to our relationship. If I look at someone, talk to a man, don't tell him where I'm going or what I'm doing, he is mean to me and accuses me of doing things. He'll check my phone to see who I've been talking to, check the history on the internet to see which websites I've been to... the list goes on. The terrible thing is that when we talk or argue about it, he acts like I don't know what a respectful marriage is and that his opinions are correct and mine are wrong. I'm trying to figure out if he truely believes those things in his own mind, or if it's just part of a controlling act.???? I shouldn't have male friend, he finds something wrong with any friend I do have.... I just really can't live like this. I have a 5 year old daughter and that's what makes this whole situation even scarier. I had no idea I was putting myself in this situation by marrying him.

February 1, 2005
2:13 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Get outta there! This guy is dangerous. Every word that comes out of his mouth is said to manipulate you. Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!

February 1, 2005
2:22 pm
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jamaicanwife
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I agree with PL. Your husband is dangerous. What do you think he would do if you broke one of his rules? Right now you're toeing the line and he's making you miserable, but what happens when you step over the line he has drawn?

I think you need to get out of this relationship with your child as soon as you can.

February 1, 2005
2:22 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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mrs lewis,

Definitely get out! I totally agree with Phalic.

He sounds like he could very easily turn into a physically abusing man. He is NOT normal.

February 1, 2005
2:23 pm
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kathygy
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I would not allow any man to tell me what to do or who to be friends with. Your husband sounds very paranoid and thus is not available for a rational discussion. It would drive me crazy to have a man check on me like that. He definately does not sound like good husband material. Listen to your voice to get out.

February 1, 2005
2:33 pm
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mrslewis
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By what you all are saying, this could be even more serious than I had originally thought. He's never harmed me physically, and I never thought that he could actually become that way. If something makes him mad, he either taunts me and keeps going on and on about something to make me sad or mad, or acts like he doesn't care if I leave him, or tells me that HE can't take this anymore.
Having someone looking over my shoulder constantly IS driving me crazy. I feel depressed and hopeless.

February 1, 2005
2:40 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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You feeling this way is exactly what he is trying to achieve. By making you powerless in this situation he is achieving power over you. Don't beat yourself up. This man is a master manipulator.

You're not hopeless. Go find the phone number to a batterred woman's shelter and call them. They have numerous resources and lots of information to help you escape this situation. The bottom line is that you now know your reality and he's going to have much less of an affect on you.

Mobilise. Be an army of one. You may have to be stealthy and not tip your hand but you can and must get the hell out of there ASAP!!!

February 1, 2005
3:03 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSI.....neral.msnw

You might also try going here. I'm not diagnosing him with NPD but you describe a lot of abuse that is detailed in this site.

February 1, 2005
3:07 pm
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mrslewis
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Thank you - I will check out that website right now.

February 1, 2005
3:12 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Good for you. Stay strong.

February 1, 2005
3:26 pm
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mrslewis
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From the little that I have read on narcissistic personality disorder, I'm not sure if he really fits those specific traits. He doesn't really act arrogant, just very stubborn. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared to leave him for some reason, and the other part of me just doesn't want to have a failed marriage. Like I keep thinking he will change or get help or something. I am in my mid-twenties, fairly attractive and am not lacking intelligence. But for some reason I don't think I can make it without him; at least not for a while. I lost my job 3 weeks ago (that's another long story), my daughter has lots of problems and is out of control, I have no family support... it's all getting to be way too much to handle.

February 1, 2005
3:39 pm
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lostinthismess
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You are not crazy! I have to say if it's only been a year and you have no kids together get out well you can make a clean break. I am married to the same type of man and for 6 years i have let him run my life and walk all over me like i was nothing. Save yourself

February 1, 2005
3:40 pm
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addicts wife
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Being unemployed for 3 weeks myself, and not sure IF i could even go anywhere else right now, I fee lyour struggle, andbeing torn, but this stubborness, and insecurity of his throwing your past in your face, andfinding fault in all your frinds male or female is MANIPULATION, and mental /spiritual/ verbal abusive can be worse if not just as bad as physical abuse... Id seriously cosider LEAVING.... of course, I know It's easier said than done, but your prescious 5 year old will be moreout of control if she is subjected to any more of HIS manipulative,verbal abuse...

February 1, 2005
4:15 pm
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captkirk
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I did a yahoo search and found this thread which is perfect for me because I have been feeling this way lately with my wife. But the difference is I did catch her meeting another man to "talk" and then found out she had a 10 year relationship with someone else also. We have been married 18 yrs and I don't know what to think. She is being great the last 5 months and says she is committed but I am paranoid every time she goes out for awhile. HELP!!

February 1, 2005
4:17 pm
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captkirk
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Before this happened I had 100% trust for my wife, but now it is damaged and I don't know when I am going to get it back without her thinking I am controlling.

February 1, 2005
4:24 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Okay. Like I said I didn't want to diagnose him with NPD. The site also contains information on what to do if you're in an abusive relationship and, baby, you're in one. At least call a women's shelter.

Don't give up. It might take a while and you can't afford to tip your hand but you have got to get out of there. It isn't going to get better. It is only going to get worse if you stay.

You thinking that he is going to change is one of the many things that keeps women in these relationships. He's not going to change. You are. You have to.

He wants you to think you can't make it without him. He doesn't just want you to think it. He wants you TO KNOW IT. DO NOT GIVE HIM THIS! You staying in that relationship is only going to traumatize you and your daughter further.

Good Luck and God Bless.
He has you right where he wants you right now. You are unemployed, unprepared, and under duress. The confusion you're in is confounding but you can get through this.

We can only cheer you on and offer our encouragement. We can point you in the right direction but it is up to you to take action. Start doing something now. It might take a long time but everyday you get closer to your goal is going to make you feel better.

You've gotten a lot of good advice and there are people even praying for you. Move forward, unafraid. Please.

February 1, 2005
4:26 pm
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mrslewis
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Captkirk,
I can see why you would be paranoid. I would say that this woman is lucky to have a husband that would stick around and try to get this solved. I, on the other hand, have never done anything dishonest/unfaithful. I don't even go "meet" other men; even if my husband and I are out somewhere together and I see someone I know and say hi or have a brief conversation with them, he gets pissed off. Then the wheels start turning and he thinks up all kinds of crazy things that I'm doing or think about doing or whatever. I can't blame you for not trusting your wife 100% after what has happened. I don't know who could. But maybe you should seek therapy with her. I believe that people can change and people make mistakes. I think that if someone is truely sorry and remorseful for what they have done, they will not make the same mistake twice. If they do, I'm gone.
Good luck!

February 1, 2005
4:30 pm
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mrslewis
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Phalic -
Thank you for all of your advice.

Since I'm new here, could you tell me briefly what your situation is? Have you been through a similar situation?

I know I can't keep going on like this. Something must change before it totally ruins my life.

February 1, 2005
4:34 pm
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captkirk
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I told her this was last chance because I caught her once b4 with the guy she just maybe spent 10 years with. I want a soulmate, I am 40 have 2 teens and I still think she is great (except for this guy habit problem that surfaced) I want some female advice telling me that once a cheat always a cheat doesn't have to hold true. I am doing better than I was in October when all this surfaced, but I still have moments of very anxious and paranoid behavior.

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