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question from Robbie2007
May 8, 2007
2:20 pm
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robbie2007
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ok, some mom comes by the shop to pickup a check. no one is around but me and i think, YES - i have a chance to talk to mom and i wanted to show her the reviews on the new clarinet.

i ask her if she has a few minutes and she sighs and says shes already running late - looks at her watch and says she 2 hours late (late for what - i dont know and I didnt ask)

so i ask if she has 10 minutes. again, she sighs and says ohhhh k.

thats what hurts - she cant even give me 10 minutes. she too busy for me. im not on her list of priorities.

May 8, 2007
2:27 pm
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robbie2007
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dear mom,

it hurts my feelings when you dont have time for me. I care about you a lot and want to spend time with you - even just a little with out it feeling like youre making some great effort. I want to feel like I matter to you and that you want to spend time with me too.

May 8, 2007
2:34 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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robbie...I understand...mom really didn't do anything to make you feel very good, did she?

Perhaps she WAS busy...and late.

Maybe next time you could say "Mom, I understand you are late and don't want to hold you up...will you be available later on, I'd like to show you the information on the clarinet.....".

and make a date to stop by and see her when it's better for her.

shame on mom for being 2 hours late to anything...I don't like people who are late.

sometimes we just ask for time at a "bad" time...and all we can do is try to get a better time out of them.

I'm sorry mom doesn't have any interest in your clarinet playing either...my daughter likes to play the flute...and I try to take as much interest as I can...but she doesn't like me making a fuss....so I have learned to give her space and let her do her own thing without bothering her.

I wish I could play an instrument...my brother got those talents...oh how I would love to learn to play the piano.

May 8, 2007
2:38 pm
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robbie2007
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thats the thing rising - shes ALWAYS too busy. shes ALWAYS running late. its like i have to sneak time in with her. i mean, i used to go with her every other weekend to see my grandmother - not so much to see my grandmother, but so that i could spend the 15 minutes up and back in the car with mom. it was like the only time i could grab.

May 8, 2007
2:43 pm
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robbie2007
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i guess it makes me angry - doesnt it?

May 8, 2007
2:54 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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it sounds like it makes you angry...and it is understandable.

what does mom do with all her time? what makes her a busy person?

I know that there are people in this world who are constantl on the go...I don't envy these people or their families that grow up with them.

for instance...I used to work with a couple who owned their own construction business.

they were very successful but very busy and always on the go.

their day would start at 5 a.m. and not end until late in the evening...they were rarely at home, enjoying all they had (beautiful home and pool and lakeside and boat, etc.).

The kids went to private school and lived at home and did sports...so between all the sports, the meetings, the work, the school...these kids didn't get to sit down for five minutes and always ate on the run. Their only quality time with their family was in the car on the way to all the activities...and even that was spent on the phone making plans for everything else.

It was rush rush rush with them.

And it wore me out just hearing all the stuff they did each day...while I struggle to put in my 8 hours and go home and do some simple chores around the house or pick up groceries or something.

But that's just the way some people are...and I know it's not a rare thing.

But I like my life a little slower pace...and feel I can give my daughter more quality time because of it.

Perhaps your mom has this kind of lifestyle? Which would make it very hard for you to find time with her.

I wonder...have you ever asked mom if you could have a "set" night each week to do something together?

My brother and his GF take her mom to the movies one night a week...it's always the same night, so nobody schedules anything else and it gives her mom something to look forward to. She is elderly and has a routine, so this fits into it nicely.

Perhaps you could tell mom that you would like to spend some time each week with her, and maybe see a movie, get a cup of coffee or something...and make it a regular part of the routine.

It won't hurt to ask. But I can understand if you hesitate to ask, because she may say no, and that would hurt.

You talk alot about wanting mom's time...how is your relationship with dad? Do you find the desire to spend more time with him as well?

Also, my ex used to have dinner at grandma's night...all the family would have dinner at grandma's...it was a part of the routine and no excuse to get out of it...everyone used that time to get to catch up on what the others were doing. Just another idea.

May 8, 2007
3:04 pm
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robbie2007
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im going to answer your questions in pieces...so i can do a little work in between...

what makes mom so busy - im not really sure of everything

i do know she goes to see my grandmother at the nursing home every day.

i think she does banking every day.

i think she picks up my nephew from daycare every day.

i'm sure there are many many more things that i dont know about.

my father is usually at the shop. he is semi retired (as is my mom)...so when he gets home, they dont like interruptions. i cant call during dinner. they are huge movie buffs and have a home theatre and watch a movie every night. so i cant call during the movie. and unless its an emergency, i cant call after 9.

so its like shes busy all day and i work all day and i cant bother her at night.

May 8, 2007
3:07 pm
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robbie2007
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if i could spend 1 day a month with mom, that would make me VERY happy.

i think that is a reasonable request.

i'm going to ask her.

spending time with my father? things are a bit strained between us. he is moody. no, i dont desire time with him. besides - i see him every day. i do have time with him.

however, i am looking forward to going to some car races with him as he is sponsering a race car.

May 8, 2007
3:13 pm
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robbie2007
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rising - would you be able to tell me what you do for work? im just curious since you said you love it.

May 8, 2007
3:15 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I don't think one day a month is too much to ask of mom...it's very reasonable.

Perhaps you can volunteer to help around her house...gardening or fixing things up or something...if you like that sort of thing.

Can you join them during their movie or dinner? I know that wouldn't give you time to talk with her, but it would give you time spent with her...not sure which your goal really is.

What about early in the morning? Could you stop by for breakfast or coffee before either of you get going for the day?

You know...it does sound like she does alot for (and with) other people...like seeing grandma at the nursing home, picking up nephews, and such...I could see how you feel left out. Just wanted to let you know I understand.

Can't hurt to ask...if she does say no, at least you will know where you stand and work on learning to deal with it and finding something else to occupy your time.

Do your parents come to your concerts?

Another thought (and it may motivate you to get your house tidy too)...could you ask them to your house for dinner and a movie sometime? That would give you time to talk and time to just relax together.

May 8, 2007
3:19 pm
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robbie2007
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yes, my parents do come to my concerts. i can always count on them to be there.

i would love to invite my mom to my house. but not my dad. he just makes me nervous becuz he is a neat freak and finds fault with everything.

the kind of time i want to spend with my mom is different than the kind of time i want to spend with my dad.

spending anytime before work wouldnt work - i arrive to work at 7 and she gets up at 8.

youve really got me thinking tho...my wheels are rolling 🙂

May 8, 2007
3:20 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I am a kitchen designer.

Back in 1996 I started working in a lumber yard (hardware store kinda thing) as a book keeper. It was the only job I could find.

Then I needed more money and volunteered for overtime by working at the sales counter on weekends.

I loved sales so much I gradually found a position working with the salesmen directly. I loved it...I got to do sales, as well as working with customers planning their homes.

Then I worked for a construction company as a secretary and hated it...but kept busy by learning new things...I taught myself how to use computer programs to design kitchens when I was not busy.

When I was hired to work where I am at now, I was supposed to work in sales again...but the kitchen person quit and my boss asked me if I could do it...I wasn't sure, but figured I would try.

And I have loved it since day one. And I do pretty well at it too.

I never thought I would love the building industry...I just happened to fall into it by luck...and I never dreamed I would be a kitchen designer...back home, there are many many many designers...so the competition was stiff and I had no experience...so I could have never gotten this job back home.

But where I live now...there are very few designers...and most don't have any training or experience...I am one of the few good ones in the area.

I feel blessed that my higher power led me to this area and this job...originally I was promised another job in another company...and it didn't work out...I didn't stress over it...and kept looking and found this one and was hired immediately. I am glad the other one didn't work out because this job is perfect for me...and the other job would have been more difficult because the drive was horrible and the company isn't a good one after all.

May 8, 2007
3:24 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I'm glad you are thinking of ideas.

I am positive you will find a solution that works for all of you.

Sometimes it just helps to think outside the box...but until someone points out ideas, it's hard to see it.

If they come to your concerts, perhaps you can make it a ritual to go out for a nice dinner afterwards? or coffee and desert if it's late?

May 8, 2007
3:28 pm
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robbie2007
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you know rising ....there are many good ideas that just wouldnt work for them or work for. but there has to be atleast a couple that could work for both. just have to find it, right?

i'm going to home in about a half hour. going to the bookstore after i drop my dog off. 🙂

have a good one

May 8, 2007
3:39 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I don't know your situation completely, so it's hard to say what will work and what won't.

So, as long as you don't mind me throwing out ideas, I don't mind you explaining why it will or won't work.

In the end, nothing works unless you try.

Also, I noticed you mentioned wanting to buy a journal.

I will tell you that the best "journals" are the type that you can open up and flip around, like a notebook.

I bought the pretty journal types, but found them hard to write in.

If you have a computer at home, you can write on your computer and buy some pretty paper to print it on and put it in a folder or binder.

I know this may sound anal, but I am the type that HATE HATE HATES my handwriting...and when I write in my journal, I get discouraged that it's all sloppy and such...and I type faster than I write...so this method worked best for me.

A good book I found was courage to trust...as well as "twenty five words" which was about how to make thee serenity prayer work in day to day life...as well as codependent no more and women who love too much.

if you go to coda meetings, the codependents guide to 12 steps (or something like it) by melody beattie was EXTREMELY helpful.

have fun at the bookstore.

May 9, 2007
8:31 am
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robbie2007
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rising - please check out my post on the other side 🙂

good morning.

May 9, 2007
9:41 am
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robbie2007
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im going to extend my feeling of being ignored (with my brother and sister)starting with my brother.......

i work for my brother. he has his own business thats really really taking off.

i asked him to hire me...

to be contin...(this will have to be done in pieces) Sorry 🙁

May 9, 2007
10:06 am
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robbie2007
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i was in a job that i liked pretty well, (at a call center)...i got along well with my co-workers and especially my supervisors. i was successful and made a lot of personal accomplishments there. i felt valued. i felt smart. i felt like i mattered.

what i hated ...
#1. is that the dog i got becuz i could bring him to work at my previous job (which i had for 15 yrs) could no longer come to work with me. he had to stay crated all day long.

#2. company policies regarding tardiness and absences. for example - if you called in sick you got an occurance becuz it wasnt a scheduled day off. well, who the heck knows to schedule when they are going to be sick? if you get 4 occurances you get written up. this includes tardiness - 3-5 minutes late will get you 1/4 of an occurance ...

#3. company policy regarding goals - you had certain goals to meet every day - like how many $ you entered, how many calls you took, quality of work, and call quality (in which you were taperecorded and monitored) the goal standards were set so high so that even at your best you could only meet and not ever exceed and therefore not qualifying for much of a raise. there is a whole lot more to this.

#4. the distance/gas/time - self explanatory.

#5. pay - on the low end. was making $3 less than my previous job and then after a year only got 1 34 cent raise.

i thought long and hard what it might be like working for my brother. i thought of the pros and cons of each job, and in the end - working for my brother seemed like the better option.

May 9, 2007
10:22 am
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robbie2007
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you see, i had helped my brother a bit while looking for a new job (before i landed a job at the call center)...

when he had asked for my help at that time, i really didnt want to. but agreed to do it temporarily. i had worked for my family business for 15 years and i was in a way glad to be laid off by the people who bought the business from us. i now could experience a brother/sister relationship. one i rarely had - it was always a business relationship. i vowed that would never happen again.

sooo - when there was a need for someone in my brothers business - that d

May 9, 2007
10:29 am
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iamtired
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I have a question:

Does your mother want a relationship with you?

Sometimes opening up lines of communication and coming to a common ground can at least give you the expectations.

Dwelling on what can't be will not help you and although it is difficult the sooner you deal with it the better off you will be.

May 9, 2007
10:35 am
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robbie2007
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of course she does - why wouldnt she?

May 9, 2007
10:39 am
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robbie2007
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i think she would have the same reaction.

we DO have a relationship. its just she doesnt have time for me. i think if her situation were different - she would better beable to spend more time with me.

May 9, 2007
10:58 am
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robbie2007
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ok so back to the job thing...

since they (my family) knew how i felt, they didnt think to ask me when my brothers business grew so much he needed someone. they did ask me if i knew anybody...

i thought about it....

May 9, 2007
10:59 am
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risingfromtheashes
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robbie...I work for my brother part time...and tho it has it's perks...in the end, it is not satisfying to me.

we both are doing eachother a favor...he pays me well, and I do the job on his terms.

but it is just not "enough" to satisfy me personally.

This job pays less, but it is personal gratification that is wonderful.

The call center doesn't sound like a good fit for you.

May 9, 2007
11:07 am
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robbie2007
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rising...i didnt understand your post. can you please post again? sorry.

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