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Question for ZuZu - Need the benefit of your experience
April 14, 2004
2:06 pm
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petitefour
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I read that you were in a similar situation at home with your husband. How did yours come to the realization that he needed help with his drinking? What was the catalyst? Mine is a sorta social drinker, meaning he doesnt let it interfere with his job (in fact he is getting a significant raise/promotion this week), but it does with our home life. He has managed to keep this a "secret problem" so far. His own children look forward to his drinking binges. They describe him as "happy or playful" daddy when he is drunk! My children, on the other hand, don't feel this way, as they have only been around him for four years and they have seen/heard the pain that he puts them and me through when he is drunk. He will not admit he has a problem with his drinking OR with his anger. Many people have told me that it took a life altering event to cause their loved one to ask for help. I have been involved with ALNON but only when I can fit it in on my lunch hour, while at work. We live in a small town and I am afraid of what he will do if he finds out I am attending meetings locally...........he has a temper. But,through ALNON, I have stopped covering up for him, by driving his kids places (when he is too drunk), making excuses for his blackouts and buying his alcohol on my way home from work by request. Can you provide any valuable experience?

April 15, 2004
10:07 am
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petitefour
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Anyone out there? I noticed in another thread that ZuZU said her hubby was in recovery (AA), anyone else? HELP!

April 15, 2004
10:51 am
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zuzuspetals
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Petite Four-
Sorry for taking a while to get back. I just logged on.
The catalyst for my husband was getting a dwi with my son in the car. Not only was it a dwi but he was involved in an accident. I had to pick my son up from the police station. Lovely huh. He was supposed to pick him up from his parents house. He did that and then drove around while drinking. I was at a girl scout meeting with my daughter. He was told in January that he needed to quit drinking because his liver was hardening. So you would think that would stop him from drinking. Nope just propelled him on a downward spiral. I did not go to his rescue THIS time. He had prior dwis from 8 years ago. Until your husband wants help, he will not get help. You can either stay and detach from him and teach your kids the same thing. Or you can leave temporarily. I left my husband about 4 years ago and he sobered up for about 6 months. He started drinking again. I wasted so much of my energy dumping his liquor, screaming, crying, and threatening. I think back on my life before alanon and it was so chaotic. I have made some very clear boundaries to him of "I can not have the chaos that drinking weaves in my life and the kids life, I will not have any drinking in my house. If you choose to drink, then it will not be in front of me" Which is a non threatening way of me establishing to him and to myself that I am strong enough to either leave or to make him leave if he chooses to drink. I could go on and on about this. In my group family session at our recovery program the speaker talked about boundaries. It was great, to hear that we have these choices. I am not some helpless victim. I am a competent person, who chooses to not engage in chaos anymore. Feel free to get in touch with me anytime.

April 15, 2004
2:09 pm
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zuzuspetals
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Just keeping this thread afloat for you Petite. Hope all is well for you.

April 16, 2004
8:25 am
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petitefour
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ALL,
I used alot of suggestions that I got and wrote a synoposis of what I did last night on the thread CODA, ENABLER or JUST DEPRESSED thread, (as that is where most of the suggestions were written)....and I feel much better today than I have all week.

I am just scared that I will not have the strength to continue each and every time he drinks or gets excessively angry! Weekends are normally the worst with him for obvious reasons. If I need moral support, I may be on this weekend, as long as he is not around. He would hit the roof if he knew I was talking about him to ANYONE.

Sometimes, my sensitivity takes over. I am not a loud person by nature and am a very "petite" person by stature. He knows that he intimidates me...............he uses that to control me. Even my 12 year old son said to me last week, "You know Mom, I think he likes to make you cry and get you upset" "I don't really think he loves you, Mom".

Out of mouths of babes, huh????

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