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question for guy foyle
February 25, 2005
2:49 pm
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ILSILS
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so i just read something you said on another post and i would like to get more indepth look at what you said,
you said that you are an alcoholic and that you learned to controll and mannilpulate,
so my question would be if you could maby help me by having the other point of view,
what can i do most effectivly to deal with my husbands forsure fall to rock bottom or death with meth?
do i stand by and tell him i love him and am here for him but i dont want that in my life or...?
do you get what im asking, its not comming out right

February 25, 2005
3:15 pm
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GullyFoyle
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The truth of the matter, and I would imagine that a lot of addicts will agree with me, is to leave him.

Alcoholics and addicts take everyone with them as they head towards the end. We don't just destroy ourselves, we destroy everything we hold dear. He will always consider his addiction before anything else, including himself.

Does that mean you no longer love him? Does it mean that you no longer feel pain and anguish at what he is doing to himself? Of course not! Watching someone you barely know kill themselves with drugs and alcohol is awful, but when it is a loved one, someone that you have history and intimate feelings about, it tears your soul apart.

It is really simple to say but probably the hardest thing to do, but I would suggest telling him you love him, that you will pray for him, then walk away. Because if you stay around, especially considering what has happened in the past few days, you and your child/children will get sucked down with him.

I hate to be so blunt and pessimistic, and I know, ILSILS, I KNOW what you are feeling, but to say otherwise would be a dis-service to you.

You have to give him to your Higher Power. If God wants it to be, then it will be. But you have no control over it. It is completely out of your hands.

Gully

PS: Okay, I will say it. There is hope. But it takes YEARS! I would suggest leaving him, going to AlAnon, you and you r child, and leaving it to God. You never listen to the words of an alcoholic or addict. It is their actions, their behaviours orver a period of months or years that we show if there has been a change. My parents split because of his alcoholism. The divorce lasted for 4 years. They got back together. I don't know why. I don't ask. But my Dad, a hardcore functioning alcholic, started AA, got sober, and is recently getting religion. It can happen. But I just don't want to give you false hope. If I remember correctly, you got a taste of that just recently.

Gully

February 25, 2005
3:19 pm
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GullyFoyle
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I am so sorry to be so blunt. I know you are in pain. I know this is a terrible thing. I am so sorry. I wish I could make it better.

I am here for you. We all are.

Gully

February 25, 2005
4:51 pm
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ILSILS
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thank you, you know i know this to be true, and everytime i get the nerve to do it its like he sences it comming and finds a way to suck me back in. im moving this weekend (thank god) im getting a place with A freind, so atleast for six months he wont be as integrated in my life as once before. so how do i do it, just say i love you goodbye, oh and by the way ill see you on friday when you want to see your daughter???? i never experienced divorce or seperation with my parents, how is it done? how do you stop contact when it is still nececary to communicate. grrr? please help

February 25, 2005
5:51 pm
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ILSILS
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still so lost

February 25, 2005
5:57 pm
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GullyFoyle
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I wish I had answers for that. I don't. Going through a divorce and stuff myself, but it is relatively friendly. Just time for us to go our separate ways. Oh yeah, we both have issues and problems. My passive/aggressiveness, alcoholism, codep, you name it, and well, she has her own issues. I don't deal with hers, only my own.

But in your situation, I would suggest an attorney. You have to look out for yourself and your daughter. I would suggest no visitation until some kind of safety net for your daughter is in place, especially if he is pulling stunts like this recent one. The attorney should help. I would also start using the resources in your area, woman's shelter, county offices, stuff like that.

There will be others here whose situation is a lot closer to yours than mine is. Use them. Ask for advice and suggestions. Maybe your prosecutors office has a woman's advocate. But I don't know how you would feel about that one. You still have to make the decisions. You have to protect yourself and your daughter.

Always stay safe. Don't be alone with him and don't let him sucker you into anything. That comment you made is very insightful. Cause he does kinda sense it.

I am glad to hear that you are moving out and into a place with someone. It is gong to be really tough. But you can handle it.

I hope I helped.

Gully

February 25, 2005
6:41 pm
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on my way
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Hi Gully, a head's up...never alone is asking for you in their thread from last night, "never alone wants help"

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