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question? am I trying to control a younger man?
May 2, 2005
10:02 pm
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balancesekr
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so I've been treating the new guy poorly, we have been bickering about how I communicate with him lately.

I have been very cranky lately, I am completing my degree, looking for a job, still getting over a broken engagement, recovering from codep, my parents are toxic, and that will do for now.

I have been thinking about ending seeing the new guy who is 9 years younger. I can't shake my ex, I am getting over it more and more and I know I need some time alone. The new guy is aware of my confusion as we have switched from just friends to not a couple of times since October.

I don't know if things will work out with him, I don't know if I have the strength! As nice as he is, as compatible in interests we are and activities, the fact of him being younger, not started a career yet... has me on hold. And the BIGGER fact, not over my last relationship still.

I have been giving him attitude lately a bit according to him. The other night, I asked if I could show him a video, he responded as if he really didn't want to see it, almost making fun of it. I responded by saying f**k you in a childlike, sticking out my bottom lip way. He took offense BIG TIME and is still upset.

He also was upset because a few days back we were going to spend the day together. I wanted to go to a museum, he wanted to go to the movies. He wanted to save money. So I gave in, I thought, let's do what he wants, we do what I want a lot...but I was still cranky because I had on my mind ending the romantic relationship and being friends. So he gets upset because I asked him if he had a lot of bills or something lately. I referenced a trip he just took with his friends and how that must have cost him money. He didn't like me referencing that either.

He feels if he feels a certain way and doesn't want to do something that I shouldn't question it. He doesn't like the way I am responding to him. I guess I don't have it in me to look for solutions to this with him, I get angry and resentful, not sure why?

I am so not ready for relationship stuff. I am probably in the wrong here, whereas I don't even think it will work with us, therefore why am I leading him on? I guess I have been giving it a try.

Is he being immature or am I trying to control a younger man?
thanks, balance
P.S. to give an idea of where I am at lately, today I thought, gee, what the hell is worth living for!

May 2, 2005
10:04 pm
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balancesekr
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also, I get really upset with what he is saying to me, because he keeps telling me how when I have a problem he is there for me, listens and looks to solve the problem, whereas I get defensive.

Then I think, I just have problems, what can I tell you guy!

May 2, 2005
10:15 pm
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Desert Moon
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balance,

It seems you are in a rebound state from your other relationship? If so you aren't being fair to this guy, it seems you are using him as a sounding board for your mixed emotions.

Maybe you should just back off and be friends, which will take the pressure off you to be emotionally involved. Of course if he wants more than that he will have to decide what he wants to do, but you have no control over that. But you sound like you are in no shape to be involved with anybody until you tie up your emotional loose ends. If the guy you are with now feels you are worth waiting for then he will be around, and both of you will be healthier for it, because you can focus just on him. If not, then you will know it wouldn't have lasted anyway.

May 2, 2005
10:34 pm
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Balanceseker-

You know, hindsight is 20/20. It may seem easy to look back and say you should or shouldn't have done something. But the truth is that you were in a vulnerable state after you broke up with your ex. Who knows what you saw in this new guy or what your motivations were, but please don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that you are questioning all this and concerned about it all is more than a lot of people would do.

It is noble to care about your friend's feelings, however you are not doing him any favors if you do not want to be in the relationship and you stay. Take it slow, you don't have to figure this out in a day.

-ella

May 3, 2005
2:08 pm
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balancesekr
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yeah, desertmoon, I am rebounding. How long does a rebound last? Sometimes I feel I have made some progress and other days I don't.

Ella, thanks for the uupport. I tell myself each day that I am not going to figure everything out today. I just need to face my feelings.

I just have this really negative tape in my head about relationships. I seem to reinforce my perceived inability to stay in a relationship and be happy by finding men who I am interested in, they get interested in me, I have certain doubts about them and push away.

I just want to know how to fix this. Self-talk? Start thinking marriage is a beautiful union of two people who love each other and want to grow together and it is possible, rather than thinking, gee I am so messed up, I always start off strong, then I want to run.

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