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question, advice needed?
March 20, 2005
10:02 pm
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chickyfighter
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OK, HE called yesterday, You all know I was sure he would NOT call after the last time I told him no more sexual contact, right? so anyhow he caught me off guard. He was waking up from a nap and sounded so cute, hmm anyway, he just called to check on me...I asked him if he was still thinking of helping me look for my house and he said he did not know he said he would, (he never said he would, or not, it was just thatI assumed since I went w/him to look for his house which he ended up not getting at the end b/c he was moving that he'd want to be part of my search...)Anyhow, he said "we'll play it by ear" he is so big on if he says he will do something he will do it, no matter what, so he says that phrase when it is not something he wants to be bound to. I respect that about him. Especially since my ex Husband used to change his mind alot, lie, and was not a man of his word. Anyhow, I agreed b/c it is not his job to help me and I was being cordial to ask. I did not react, I was being a friend as much as I could and when we are healthy, we don't get mad at our friends when they cannot or won't do something, right? We just chatted and I kept in mind that I was not going to say anything to manipulate in any way. I never knew I, being the love addict in this case, would manipulate w/what I said or did for him until I read some books.
I did tell him that I wanted to share something w/him one day whenever, that it was not urgent (I wanted to sit w/him one day and tell him about what I am learning about me, but not sure if he is ready or if I even should yet, but I wanted to just put it out there to have an intimate talk w/him, "intimacy" being something both love addicts and avoidants cannot do well, if at all). He said that last time I had something to share w/him it ended up not being such a great thing (he was referring to when I told him I did not want to be w/him anymore). So, I said that it was a good thing b/c he learned about STDs and I am keeping myself healthy, so anyway he said that no matter how much I try to say it is a good thing, it is not, so we left it alone. we chatted some more, but...Hmm, this is getting long, the convo ended when I asked him in a playful way if I was going to see him again, and he said so cute, "I don't know, I am going back to sleep, leave me alone..." (he is so adorable) anyway, he did not obviously want to answer b/c I know it is hard to see each other & not go there. Plus that means to me that he is aware that I really don't want to go there again, and he is respecting my space, as I am his. Yet he is still making an effort to keep in touch... I said, "alright go back to bad, you are so cute!!" and we hung up. Does this sound childish, I think it's cute, but I am willing to hear it, lol.The question is: I wanted to call him and ask him if he missed me enough to just be w/me? or if he was to just be w/me what exactly he thinks I would keep him from? how would that make him unhappy? what were his expectations?" I just want to talk about this kind of stuff, am I wrong for wanting to talk about thi w/him? or should I just let him be to himself and just continue to grow in friendship as he calls allowing myself this time to work on me w/o him in any way being involved and disregard him completely from my life? I am unsure. I am glad he called. After reading the book "Facing love addiction" I understand him so much more, and I don't see him as a monster anymore, but I don't want to where we were before b/c although I am working on me, I doubt he is not sleeping w/anyone else. Then again he could be be? Am I wishfully thinking again? Please I want every coment possible, good bad, whatever, guys, ladies, please let me know what you think. I love him really do, I am not willing to regress for him though, NO WAY but I also know that he is good overall, and I know we have potential as a couple, only we were never a legitimate couple. I left it up to God, so am I wrong to intervene by calling him?

March 20, 2005
10:12 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Wow, lots of questions. My vote is that if you gave it to God, then you need to leave it w/ God. He'll let you know what to do when the time is right. In the meantime, be still and listen for his answer.

March 20, 2005
10:18 pm
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chickyfighter
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mamacinnamon, Yeah, I hear ya, the biggest problem I have always had as Christian is trying to help God a little, not realizing that God does not need our help, if we truly trust him ,he will do what is best for us, it is just that sometimes I have gotten confused w/the "leaving things to God " and "being proactive doing my part"...hmm so 1 vote for leave it alone. Thanks so much for answering.

March 21, 2005
8:01 am
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chickyfighter
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I called, we talked somwhat. I guess the result was he will NOT work on being a couple, so I have to stop, there is no hope. I feel like I am back on step one, although this time I was the one to say "I have to go" and hung up.

March 21, 2005
10:21 am
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Lacyone
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chickfighter

I am in the same dilemna as you. My ex called me last night. Talked about nothing and I had to go. I haven't spoken to him in 4 weeks. I also read Facing Love Addiction.

I really had the urge to call him back or e-mail him or something but I have been struggling these past weeks and didn't want to start over.

I know it is hard when you love someone and they don't love you back but you deserve more than that

Lacyone

March 21, 2005
10:30 am
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chickyfighter
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Lacyone, I wish I had just not called last night. I was feeling great about the fact that he had called the night b4 to just check on me and we actualy connected w/o the toxic talks, him avoiding and me wanting more. I just hate that after al the hard work of trying to overcome w/drawal I am back on step one. I wish I did not love him, but I do, I actually love him, my exhusband I was obssessed with and then I ended up hating him, but HIM I hate that I love him and he cannot. He wants me to be another one on his list...I read that book, and I am not done yet, I am on the 11th chapter. HAVE YOU STARTED DATING AGAIN?

March 21, 2005
10:50 am
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Lacyone
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No I haven't started dating again. I have made a pac with myself not to date for a year.

In all of my relationships, I give all of myself until I don't know who I am. I want to be loved so badly I would do this to myself.

By taking this year off, I want to know me. Find out who I am, what I like, and things I enjoy. I need to love myself then I think I will be able to love without losing myself in a relationship.

This last relationship I was so obsessed with him I could not be without him. When it ended it was like a withdrawal from a drug. I thought I was going to die.

So I am taking it day by day...

March 21, 2005
11:02 am
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chickyfighter
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Lacy all w/drawals for us are like a drug b/c they are our drug. I was doing so good. I hate it, I feel like an alcoholic who slipped. I did not go see him though, b/c I cannot handle being close to him and being firm and not betraying myself when he is in front of me. He had me wrapped around his little finger. I know I am getting better b/c I no longer get tongue tied when we talk, I am able to speak my mind. I am still barely starting my recovery phase, w/drawal is still somewhat present some days worse than others. I woke up sick to my stomach today, it is so sad how we can be addicted to a person, w/drawal symptoms are so physical not just pstychological. I feel so crappy.
I am happy for you, you sound so great, I also think I need to not date, but that book suggested you state slowly dating to practice your new skills, I am sure I won't like anyone I date right now, I miss HIM too much.

March 21, 2005
11:53 am
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Lacyone
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I think my recovery phase will be a long one. I keep reading and reading. I also got the book Letting Go. Igt is a 12-week personal action program to overcome a broken heart. This book has alot of good suggestions.

March 21, 2005
4:58 pm
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chickyfighter
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Thanks Lacy I need all the ehlp I can get. I did not realize how angry I have been lately, I messed last night by trying to talk w/him about us, there is no us...there never was, and there never will be....Once that sinks in and I can deal w/the feeling of that abandonment then I will be in a btter place, but when will that be if I keep feeling weak, and talk to him, or if he calls and I answer bu accicdent like I did Sat.

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