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Putting people on pedestals? How Do I get them down?
January 24, 2006
4:31 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi everyone,
This is a follow up to my thread to day called "just like his ex?!?!??!?".

Kathygy pointed something very interesting out to me. I put my boyfriend on a huge pedestal and it causes him to take advantage of me. To be honest I don't know how he got there! How do I get things back to normal?

Does anyone else have a tendency to do this?
How do I stop?

Hugs, Lost

January 24, 2006
4:57 pm
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mamabear
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Feelinglost,

I too put my husband on a pedastal. I didn't realize I was even doing it. Well, I think we mean the same thing. For me, it was actually that I put him before my own needs, and I realized that I had even put him higher than my HP. So, needless to say, I was left feeling empty inside.

I think realization is the first step... then the second step is recognizing your own needs and learning to take care of yourself.

Ever since I quit idolizing my husband, I have not felt so lonely when he chose to do something without me, I simply do something I enjoy and don't think about what we could be doing together. I realized it wasn't helpful to expect him to meet my needs, and I started tending to my spiritual health and emotional health.

For me, that meant carving out some "me time" where I focus on myself and my relationship with my HP and the world around me...kind of a quiet reflection where I actively used my five senses to place myself in the present.

I know my experience doesn't exactly mimic yours, but maybe it could be helpful to you anyhow.

Love and hugs,
mamabear

January 24, 2006
4:58 pm
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taj64
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I did. I put my ex on a pedestal. It was only when I was done with him and tryin to heal from the breakup that I realized that he didn't belong there. When you concentrate on yourself and give yourself the love you need, you also take responsibility for yourself in how things are wrong and you also see more clearly the wrongs that the partner has done to you. You have to be realistic and get out of denial. It takes accepting and doing a lot of work on the self. Have you read the book by Melody Beattie, Codependency No More? I think you should check out this book. It is really quite the eye opener and the most realistic book I have read. It helped me to open my eyes and see things for what they are.

January 24, 2006
5:03 pm
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Rasputin
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FL -

There are so many books that can help you to improve your relationship with your bf.

First off, I was wondering: Do you attend Coda meetings? You sound very codep and these meetings could help you to become more strong and independent and understand the phenomena of codep. Just Go to: http://www.coda.org to find out the closest meeting in your area.

In addition, I would recommend you to purchase the following books:

- Women who love too much, by Robin Norwood.

- Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie.

- Boundaries in Dating/Marriage, by Dr. Henry Cloud.

All these tools and books will enable you to take your mind off of your bf and stop putting him on a huge pedestal, and discover and love YOU and develop new hobbies and passions away from him.

All the best!~Ras~

January 25, 2006
2:25 pm
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Ras,
I am a poster child for codependency! I am afraid to go to the face to face meetings that's why I cam here. I started reading women who love too much, and co-dependent no more is next. I will have to check out the thrid book.

It really upsets me that I need some sort of approval from my BF. I feel crappy if he ignores me and then i am like a little puppy kissing his butt! Our realtionship never used to be like that. Its like the roles have reversed!

January 25, 2006
2:30 pm
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Mama,

Thanks I appreciated it. I guess sometimes I dont know how to act or feel with him. My old boyfriend was never around so I had too much me time. Then I started dating the current BF and he wanted to spend so much time together and I got used to it. Now I love spending time together and having a companion.

I work, I go to school, I have friends, but i feel like my world revolves around my boyfriend. He gets an attitude when I go out with my friends and then I dont even feel like going out bc I don't want to deal with it.

I know I am rambaling but it is so nice to have someone to talk too! Hugs, Lost

January 25, 2006
2:35 pm
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kathygy
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feeling,

it sounds like you are giving your power away to your bf.

to look at him more realistically make a list of everything you don't like about him and everyway he mistreats you and others.

I found it also helps to realize that he has childhood wounds too. If you can see how he was wounded and how he acts that out that helps take him off the pedestal.

Setting boundaries is a great way to build up your self-esteeem and start getting your power back from him.

January 25, 2006
2:44 pm
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kathygy
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Also, if you shift your thinking away from trying to meet his needs so he won't leave you to asking yourself is this relationship good for ME? Is this relationship meeting MY needs?

Make a list of your needs such as being treated with respect all of the time, being heard, and such vs. needing his approval which is really not a need but a false belief.

Make a list of your ideal relationship and see how HE matches up with YOUR needs and vision of a relationship. Not very well I imagine.

You will see he is not so great afterall.

January 25, 2006
4:22 pm
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hopeful for change
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until reading this post I never thought of what I did for my husband as "putting him on a pedestal" - I knew i took care of his every whim or need...just never thought of it this way. Food for thought

January 25, 2006
4:35 pm
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I am just feeling very frustrated. I know that it is all about HIM, if i make HIM happy, if HE thinks i'm pretty ect..... Grrrrrrrr

I guess i wouldn't leave me either if i was him........

January 25, 2006
5:05 pm
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taj64
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Instead of wondering how you can make him happy, every time you ask yourself or catch yourself, turn it around and ask yourself what you can do to make you happy at least for the moment. Pretty soon you will be much more in tune with pleasing yourself and you won't have to wonder if he thinks you are pretty as long as you feel pretty about yourself. Try to live on the selfish side for awhile.

January 25, 2006
6:52 pm
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Rasputin
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FL - I used to be like that - too sweet, scared and even emotional wreck with my 1st bf. I remember when we had our 1st serious fight; I became devastated.

Now many years later, I have come to realize how unhealthy & codep I was then. Do you know why we do that? It is because of our childhood wounds, our unmet needs or abuse by either one or both parents.

You need to work on your own emotional healing b4 you embark on any serious friendship.

FL! Could you give me some background about your childhood, your parents, the way they treated you, how you view them, so that I can decide and perhaps suggest another book for you about emotional healing which I believe we all need it.

I hope to hear from you soon!(((Hugs)))

January 26, 2006
8:45 am
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hopeful for change
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Doesn't it always seem it's always about "them". For me its all about not "getting" someone taking. I believe he is very selfish.

My daughter's 13th birthday sunday, she chose to go to a salon with four of her friends and get prom hair do's, makeup nails etc. - This cost $40 per kid, so she had to make a decision if that was what she wanted as her present, because paying for this I wouldn't have money for additional presents.

When my husband was talking to her about it, He laughed and told her "you should have been selfish" and not paid for your friends so you could have had the money.

My daughter and I looked at each other with huge eyes!! I thought Yep that's him Mr. Selfish. I also thought yeah girl you do need to learn to be more selfish than me though.

Just an example of "it's all about them"

January 26, 2006
8:57 am
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Ras,

Thanks for you help I really do appreciate it. I was adopted by my grandparents. My bio Mom and Dad were about 16 and serious drug addicts. They made an attempt to take care of me until my aunt found them passed out and me playing with Heroin needles!

At that point my bio mothers (also adopted), mom took care of me. She was very sweet but she was elderly and started to have trouble taking care of me.

When I was about 6 my bio Dad's parents adopted me. I don't think my grandmother was ready to take care of another baby. she already raised 6 kids of her own! I always knew that my grandparents loved me but I felt like a burden.

My GF was very unemotional and my GM was an emotional wreck. My GM used to scream and yell about stupid things. I never knew what kind of mood she would be in. I walked around on egg shells.I remember she always said how lucky I was that she took me or no one would have wanted me. She fought with my dad a lot and called him & me horrible names. I think she was bi-polar.

I developed an Bulimia at age 12 and have struggled with it my whole life. I am 25. I got married at 18 to escape my house. I got divorced at 19 because my mother in law hate me so much. She said I was taking her son away from her. I think we would still be together if it wasn't for her.

I was 19 no job, no clue, but I was'nt afraid. I had never lived alone but I picked up my stuff and moved away. I was recruited by and investment adviser and I went for it. (by the way I hate math!)

I got a great job but of course I attracted a very charming handsome man. Turns out he was extremely co-dependent. He never showed me affection but I didn't want to leave.

So I knew I wanted out but I was afraid to be alone. I met this nice police officer and got the courage to break up with my BF. I honestly thought he (soon to be ex) could care less about me... But the first day I broke up with him he called me saying he was having a heart attack, he called my phone over a hundred of times, I was afraid to go home. Naturally I be came close with the police officer. The ex made my life hell. He broke into my apartment, he called my work, he called my home, he followed me everywhere, and it even got to the point where I had to have police escorts to leave work. My new cop boyfriend was scared to death for me to go back to my apartment so our relationship got pushed to the next level and I moved in. The ex made my life a living hell for about a year and half. It was absolutely horrible....

Should I continue?
Hugs, Lost

January 26, 2006
11:36 am
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Coastergirl501
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I put my ex on a high pedestal too. He is ten years older than me and for some stupid reason I made myself believe that I needed him. I have had the courage a few times to break up with him but I had the same problem as lost. Everytime I do he goes crazy, I was just talking to a guy and he found out where he worked and went up to his work to scare him off. I have started seeing a counselor to deal with my co-dependency. Right now we are split but I still give in to him once in a while. You are not alone!

January 26, 2006
12:16 pm
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Rasputin
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FL - Oh honey, your story touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I can't believe, FL, how many of us here lived thru the same atmosphere - Lack of love, tenderness, hugs, affirmations. No wonder we turn into dysfunctional emotionally-wrecked, copedenedent individuals.

Several years ago I went thru an emotional healing journey by using a book that helped heal and me and made me a healthier person and I would like to suggest it to you. The author is a woman who was raised by a mentally-ill mom who would lock her up in the staircase and send her to bed without dinner. I related to her since my mom is unaffectionate, cold, critical type. I hope you will feel the same connection with the author as well. The book is entitled "Finding peace for your heart" by Stormie Omartian. It is an excellent book about emotional healing that is practical and spiritual. I would also recommend you to attend coda meetings or any good support group in your area that promotes growth and self-improvement, such as AA or Al-Anon.

Keep coming to this site and posting questions and reply to others whenever you feel that you identify or can help others.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

(((Warm Hug)))

January 26, 2006
1:55 pm
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Ras,

The funny thing with my Mom is she is fine now that i am older. I have just tried to remember she had her own issues and people do change when they want too.

I have a good job, great friends, and a loving family. I still taking college courses for me and I just bought a house.

But.... I always feeling that something is missing im my relationships with men. It is the missing piece in my puzzle. I have always dated very cold & distant men constantly seeking approval from them. When I met my current boyfriend I didn't like him because he was too nice, too loving, and it just didn't feel right. Eventually we started dating and I had a really hard time opening up. Now I am much more open and I feel like some how I sabatoge my own relationship with him.

Hugs, Lost

January 28, 2006
11:35 am
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I did also put my ex on a pedistal, I also made a list of her bad and good quality, I don't know if it's really working.
She has a very strong caracter and she can be very loving but also very cruel.

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