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PTSD, ADHD, CO-DEPENDENCY->dealing w/o professional help
August 3, 2009
4:54 pm
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macbreezy
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So it's been two weeks ago today that I was sitting in the ER giving my statement to a police officer because I'd been slung around and thrown thru a wall (among other things) because I finally realized I had to get out of a very unhealthy emotionally and physically abusive co-dependent and enabling relationship. Yesterday while organizing my belongings and adjusting to transition of being back home with my family till I get it together, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Every man I have been with since I can remember has been abandoned by one parent or the other...my mother has never really been in the picture, she's been in and out but in reality she abandoned me at age 2. I was raised by my father, with the help of his parents...they've been happily married 51 years now but their relationship is all about my grandpa's interests, my granny has no idea who she really is. And while my father is a wonderful person - our personal relationship wasn't always the healthiest, we were very co-dependent on each other after he finally left my first stepmother once I told my bio-mom that my S-M had been physically/emotionally abusive for years and she took me to live with her for a year, only to abandon me at my granny's a week before eighth grade in a new city. Now that I actually know what CO-DEPENDENCY is I never had much of a chance to begin with!

Anyway I'm not trying to be long winded but I have so many deep rooted issues I just want to get them OUT of me! I always feel better after I verbalize things and I don't have many real friends because since I can remember I've let a man dominate my life's direction and I can't really afford counseling right now. I hope its enough that I recognize behavioral patterns and KNOW what my problems are and can change them, however I fear before I can heal - *without counseling I may end up in another familiar situation*, knowing it right off the bat and staying because I can't speak up for myself. I've already been spending far too much time with an ex of mine's best friend. It's making me feel sick because he's so much fun and isn't like every clingy person I involve myself with - but it still can't be healthy, especially so soon after this last guy??

I tried hanging out with a group of girls this weekend and it only reminded me why I cut out friendships and focused on being satisfied by myself or with a man who makes me his whole world. I try to hang out with people one on one but I always feel indifferent and feel like I have nothing interesting to say or offer *if I'm not taking care of someone* so it's easier to be reclusive, but that only breeds loneliness.

I'm a very attractive and intellegent 23 year old, I know I am so much more than what I settle with being. I just feel COMPLETELY INDIFFERENT ALL THE TIME.

August 3, 2009
5:33 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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keep posting

Bitsy

August 4, 2009
4:44 am
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road2recovery
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i know what you mean about feeling indifferent (i would like to learn more about the reason for this), and allowing men to dominate the direction of your life; and being afraid to fail and afraid to succeed, thus not reaching your full potential. i'm sorry you are struggling with this and hope you find answers and support here.

i found this site while in search of clarification on co-dependency and now realize i'm a poster child! it's amazing how much i can relate to those posting on this site. what you said describes so much of me and my life, i just had to write. it's becoming more and more evident the reasons for my behaviorial patterns, thought processes, emotions, etc. it's not normal to those who are healthy, but it's normal for many of us who experienced these same issues as children. it all makes sense now and feels good to know i'm not alone; and there is nothing permanently wrong with me. there's a logical reason for this and with further understanding and practice i truly believe i can recover from being a child of abuse, dysfunction, and an alcoholic parent.

it's almost like waking up from a bad dream relieved to know it was only a dream and i'm really okay. my old way of "coping" was the wrong way. there is a healthy way of "living" i never knew about, until now. i'm going to keep reading, learning, practicing, and posting. i'm so greatful for this site. thank you so much for posting.

August 5, 2009
3:53 pm
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macbreezy
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I just really didn't know where to begin, so bare with me. I have ADHD...which I won't treat cause it costs waaay too much monthly and my thoughts have tendency to run all over the place sometimes.lol

Basically growing up with my grandparents who were married at age 16 & 19 and are very much still in love I suppose gave me false ideals. All I've ever wanted is to be a wife and mother and be the thread that binds my family. I just always assumed by the time I was getting out of high school or w/in a year I'd be settling down. I remember back to when I was 14 and my boyfriend lived two counties over and it was just after 9/11, Bush had been elected and I was very much an all american republican girl back then and I went to my father...IN ALL SERIOUSNESS and asked could I marry this person if our country went to war ->MY MIND WAS STUCK IN OLDEN TIMES. I've since changed drastically on the polital front anyway I'm just sick of the shananigans, everything except for the fact that I just feel like I was born to be a WIFE. Now I'm starting to realize that maybe just maybe I'm suffering from this thing called "co-depency" because all my examples from since I can remember are all classic case co-dependents. I can't decide if thats a good thing or bad.

A little family history though...
My mom has been guy to guy ever since her sugardaddy died about 10 years ago. She's had 3 children and abandoned us all, none of us keep in touch either. It's just too painful and awkward. She still sends me updates via yahoo telling me how well she's doing and happy living on the beach playing music in local bars>>>> LIKE I CARE!?! Something I should probably add about my situation with my mother is that my younger brother, age nine now...was MY BABY, I did everything for him. He used to ask could he call ME mom. Last year I was preparing to adopt him, after months of getting him settled back here AND ME FOOTING THE ENTIRE BILL, without any notice at all she shipped him back to California to be with a man that isn't even his father, but is her ex husband. (the child came from an affair and his bio father came up missing around the time my mom reconsiled with the man he now calls dad) And my older sister is just like my mother, has a daughter and gave her over to her husband's mother and abandoned all of them to run around with married men in Miami and NYC....after I afforded her to move here and took care of her and my niece b/c my neice had speech problems and I live near the best children's hospital in the nation! She stole a bunch of my stuff and ran off leaving me a mess to clean up and an apartment I couldn't afford. Crazy, all of it. I know.

My dad always gets with domineering women. He's a sucker for the no-nonesense types I guess. Possibly that's where I picked up my submissive ways? And although he's remarried now and I love my new stepmom truly with all my heart, we had a few rough years battling it out. I refused to let them pay for college because I decided I wanted to EARN everything myself from there on out. So I moved to the city, did it on my own...with the exception of the fact that my b/f of the time moved in on top of me and never paid a single bill! After two years of that I gave him the altimatum to get a place and let me shack up on top of HIM or its over, he went back to his mama's to serve out a house arrest sentencing that came up around the same time. Now ironically I find myself living in my dad & stepmom's basement trying to put the peices back together again.

But most recently I was on the verge of purchasing a house and marrying someone I didn't even honestly know! That's the one I just got out of an abusive relationship with. I just knew w/in the first hour I met him that he was going to be the challenge of my lifetime and if we could stick it out it could be so rewarding. Funny how things worked out. Night fall is definatley challenging for me everyday now. I'm fine all day, keyword being fine, not great, not fabulous but a melancoly FINE. I exchange emails with old friends b/c I feel like I SHOULD, I run errands after work to waste the time, I do any chores I can but thats boring so I lay down to go to sleep tired as I may feel my mind starts racing, I feel sick and I'm about to cry. Then I remember how I felt walking into the ER, and the shame and guilt that I let it go that far makes me disgusted with myself. And then I feel nothing, not anger, sadness, remorse, pain, joy, confusion, NOTHING. I feel absolutely nothing. I drift off into a beautiful oblivion and wake up in a beautiful oblivion. Indiffent. I don't feel like I care anymore and I darn sure don't want to date anymore for as far as I can see in the future. I've given and given and GIVEN SOME MORE of myself to those I love and all I EVER get in return is manipulation.

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