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prostitute-how would u feel?
November 16, 2005
11:50 pm
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lost and found
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well, i am going to bed. thanks everybody for talking to me tonight. greatly appreciated. sweet dreams.
love, lost

November 16, 2005
11:52 pm
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mamabear
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I think I'll go to bed too, my eyes are blurring, and my words are not sounding exactly how I mean them to.

I second the sweet dreams notion

Love,
Mamabear

November 17, 2005
12:12 am
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Anonymous
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Woe Mamabear,

I get your point. Your opinion has been well taken. I don't want to hurt my dad. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm sorry that your friend told you that your ex was cheating. I would have taken a different stance. I would have wanted to know.

That's just me, I would want to know if someone was cheating on me, before, now or ever. It sounds like you didn't ever want to know. People are different. I think I would want to know even being happy in another relationship. That's just me.

November 17, 2005
12:29 am
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mamabear
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Mimi,
woe?
what does that mean?
Like full of woe? or like whoa, horse?

ugh, it is amazing to me that anyone would want to know about a past relationship and being cheated on. I didn't want to know, it only hurt me and served no good purpose. What good could come out of it? I couldn't have changed the fact that it happened, and there really was nothing I could do about it, so why would I want to know? I guess that's just me. Like you said, everyone's different.

I keep saying I'm going to bed, but I am trying to get some stupid bills straightened out before I do so.

Hope you didn't think I was trying to force my opinion on you, I was just trying to show you why I stated what I did, because from your response there was something I couldn't quite pick up on, like resentment or something.

Anyhow, I am really a kind and loving person who thinks that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I hate to see anyone get hurt.

Back to my bills...

November 17, 2005
12:57 am
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Anonymous
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Mamabear,

Woe, means back off/slow down. Don't judge me because I would want to know if someone has cheated on me. I would want to know. If you don't then you don't. So be it. Do you really think that you have any power over my opinions??? Pay your bills, you have power over that.

November 17, 2005
1:06 am
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mamabear
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You are getting defensive with me, and that is not helpful. I do not like the tone you are taking with me.

I was not judging you, I do not judge people, that is not my place.

Of course I do not think I have power over your opinions, like I said, everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

And yes, I said ugh, but I meant it as a general shock at the idea of anyone wanting to know something hurtful that had happened long after the fact, and not being able to do anything about it, not at you as a person or at your opinion.

I feel that you are being rude to me, and I don't want to act rudely in return to you.

I am sorry if I have pushed your buttons, I certainly have not meant to.

This is not my thread, and I have said what I needed to say to lost, and now I am going to bed, I do not want to turn her thread into something she did not intend it to be.

Peace,
Mamabear

November 17, 2005
1:31 am
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Anonymous
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Mamabear,

Thank God I have figured out abuse.

November 17, 2005
2:06 am
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Worried_Dad
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Well, there are couple three four issues here.

There is a feelings level and a morality and ethics level. Feelings are easy: You are allowed to have them.

Ethics wise, you are faced with what do you think and do about what seems to be gross infidelity---what is your responsibility to your mom or step mom. It is actually an not-infrequently asked question--Lots of times the answer given is "mind your own beezwax." aI guess it is really up to you to decide if you have a duty to reveal infidelity.

Another issue is your Dad's insensitivity to you, and his coarsness, even verbal abuse. We cant choose our parents. We can tell 'em we want them to be better behaved.

And you also have to deal with the fact that your Dad is the kind of man who does the things you have described.

There is also an issue of what seems like group-social-family abuse--you are being told you are overreacting, making a big deal out of nothing....there is no validation of your feelings being offered.

I think it is very easy to tell if you are being a prude and if your Dad's behavior really isn't a big deal. Just ask you Dad's wife.

If his wife says "Oh, silly girl. Of course I would want him to hire a prostitute while in Jamaica. I have so much wanted that for him and am so happy that he got to realize his dream of a Jamaican prostitute--his hapiness makes me happy...." and so forth, then you know that you are out of line. I have a funny feeling she will say something different though.

As to whether it is morally right to out your Dad, I dont know. I just dont know.

November 17, 2005
3:58 am
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Anonymous
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Dad was tacky tacky tacky and disrespectful to his daughter by involving her as he put it up into her face.

What I have learned in sticky situations like this is not to say anything unless you're asked and then answer with the truth...never lie for someone who deliberately involved you in a lie in the first place. Give them the same consideration they gave you...NONE!

November 17, 2005
8:44 am
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mamabear
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It was my understanding that the dad and the wife are no longer together, in the original post Lost said that "she left him the day before the trip and he came alone."

I guess I should have clarified that in the beginning.

Is it still cheating if she had left him the day before? My thoughts were that the relationship is over.

Clarification, Lost?

November 17, 2005
9:10 am
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Anonymous
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Lost,

you are in EXACTLY the same position I am.

My dad is an alcoholic, and if I date a guy who drinks, automatically, my dad will take him under his wing, feed him beer and think he is the bestest son in law in the whole wide world...and then my bf will think my dad is one cool dad.

And then the two of them will turn on me and tell me "relax, party pooper, chill, have a drink, it will make you feel better, you are too uptight, you don't know how to have fun"...and on and on and on.

I had one boyfriend that wanted me to start drinking, so I could understand how good it makes HIM feel. NOT, no thank you.

My dad lives right next door to me - in a duplex style apartment building.

And yet, I only see him for a few minutes per week and ONLY because I need to see my mom.

He had never set foot in my house since I moved in - yet, twice in one week, he came over - both times to badger my cousin who was staying with us, to get online and talk to her mom - because HE WANTED to buy her mom's house in Florida. And her mom didn't have a phone, so the only contact was with the computer. Well, I logged on, saw her mom online, but told my dad she wasn't...cuz otherwise, he would sit right there and badger this poor kid who was about to have a breakdown because he was being such a pain in the butt and so beligerant and so mean to her - because he WANTED his way and WANTED it RIGHT NOW.

so, he sat there, said he would wait until she logs on...at which time I noticed he had a beer in his hand...so I told him "dad, I love you and you are welcome in my home any time, however, house rules are no drinking in the house"...with that, he took his beer and left.

So an hour later, I had to see my mom for something, and I went over and walked in and his immediate words were "get out of my house, you are not welcome here".

I appealed to mom, since it was here house too, but she said that she wasn't getting involved.

I think explained that I NEVER told him he wasn't welcome...just not his beer. He was spitting and sputtering and I don't remember his words...

Then later mom tried telling him that when I said no smoking in my house, she didn't throw a tantrum, but smoked outside, so it's no different...he wouldn't accept that.

So, I wasn't welcome in his house cuz of my house rules. And so my daughter was not allowed over there because I didn't want her caught in the middle either...and he frequently talks badly about me and tries to make her think badly about me too....so I didn't want her in the middle of it.

It was ugly and painful.

But he is over it now....for now, until next time.

It's no fun - the best thing you can do is just keep your distance and protect yourself...cuz in the end, YOUR HAPPINESS is most important...and you can't change him...so no sense being miserable about it.

November 17, 2005
4:23 pm
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angel1
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you dad just wasn't things with his brain..and although he didn't consider your feelings..as he should have..maybe he felt he wanted to enjoy his vacation with someone too.
We don't always do things in the right manner..he should of asked how you would feel about his choice..since he did go on vacation with you..and he could of been more disceit with his choices..but it was his vacation too..and you didn't have to go along with it..you could of each gone your seperate ways till you got back on the plane..I always wonder why do we hurt the ones we love most...Angel1

November 17, 2005
4:43 pm
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Anonymous
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lost, I'll be reading this thread more carefully. Just telling you you arent alone. My grandaunt (93) is married to guy (38) and of course hes in it for the money and has a double life. I had to be with him on a visit to aunt and stop him from coming on to me. What about that?

November 17, 2005
4:47 pm
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Anonymous
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But my aunt has been so happy for 15 yrs or so with him I didnt tell her anything. She'd call me a liar...

November 17, 2005
5:29 pm
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Anonymous
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What I decided is I won't go visit my aunt, at least alone, unless Im prepared to confront them. My aunt has already called my (deceased) mother a liar so... she'd call me one too.

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