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prostitute-how would u feel?
November 16, 2005
10:00 pm
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me and my husband went to jamaica with my dad. he was supposed to be with his wife at the time but she left him the day before the trip and he came alone. we were there for seven days. on the third day, my dad, got the bartender to set him up with a prostitute for the rest of the week. when i found out i went ballistic. i am his daughter, for crying out loud. how could he not have any respect for me? he expected me to go to supper with this person and spend the rest of the week like we were there together. i want to know from other women how u would feel if your dad did this. i have been told i am a uptigh prude by some of my family. and the rest act like it isn't a big deal. i think it is a very big deal. comments please.......

November 16, 2005
10:06 pm
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I really don't have words, honey. I do think that dad's don't always live the best example to their daughters, and that gets the daughters in trouble with men down the road.

I am sorry. Sounds kinda cheesy to me, too. Especially right in your face like that.

I always assume people are at my same level of growth or higher, rarely lower. I don't know why I do that. Lots of times they are leagues behind. Just know this: I am sure your dad wasn't trying to purposefully hurt you. He wasn't likely thinking about anybody else.

LL

November 16, 2005
10:10 pm
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mamabear
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Don't worry what other people call you. You have convictions and morals, and if they don't so be it.

I honestly don't know how I would have reacted if my dad pulled a stunt like that.

If I didn't feel comfortable with the situation, I wouldn't have gone to supper with them and spent the rest of the week with them. You have a right to set your own boundaries.

What did your husband think, how did he respond. You never mentioned.
mamabear

November 16, 2005
10:14 pm
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YOur father was simply NOT being a good father to you at that time, no two ways about it. He was only meeting his own needs and grately disrespecting you and your rights to apropriacy. I think you can start dealing with it a little easier when you allow yourself to feel the completely apropriate hurt and disapointment, as well as anger, regarding this situation. Months later I still find myself validating my anger at my parents for times they really let me down and where bold facedly being BAD parents, and my therapist reminds me a lit that I don't have to do that, reason with myself, supress or explain the frustration. Parents screw up sometimes. They are bad parents sometimes, and it's ok to be completley upset about that. Maybe your other family members are just not in a place that they can allow themselves to really accept those feelings in themself and allow themselves to be angry without feeling ashamed ofit. There is a lot of pressure from society to honer our parents, I think, and not nearly enought to honer ourselves, the children, and our rights to own our feelings even when our parents can't own their behaviors. ((((lost)))), I'm sorry this happened, and I can completely see where you hurt and are angry. That anger is COMPLETELY valid and apropriate, I think.

November 16, 2005
10:15 pm
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ANd your family verbally abusing you by name calling and belittling you for your own feelings and morals is a real reflection not of you being defective, but them being in a really unhealthy place right now. Do not take it personally, it is their stuff, not yours.

November 16, 2005
10:19 pm
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mamabear, as soon as i found out i told my dad not to come near me the rest of the week. husband wisely stayed out of it. my dad thought about it and backed out. just the fact that he is so self centered blows my mind. i can tell that i lost all my boundries when i was a child living with him. he is very demanding.

lass- i usually assume the same thing about people around me. the fact that my father is so depraved sickens me. if i was so stupid to do something like that i sure wouldn; t let anybody know. i would be ashamed. it obviously didn't bother him. he never apologized for it either. i have been posting about the fact that he is three houses down from me and i have not seen him in over six weeks and i feel free from his crap , but sad. he's an alcoholic too. i don't drink. don't want to be around it. he told me one day i needed to loosen up and learn to have fun. i live one way and he lives another. we just don't mesh. i know u are suppose to respect your parents, but i have had enough of him.

November 16, 2005
10:27 pm
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Wow. I think I would have flipped. That seems like something he should have been a little more discreet about, ESPECIALLY since you are his daughter. Maybe dif if he was there with a bunch of his buddies(Not that I am saying I approve of getting a prostitute), but I don't think that is a good thing to do on a family vacation. How uncomfortable that must have been. So sorry. SD

November 16, 2005
10:31 pm
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i am the oldest of three. my dad has always put me in the spot of his mother figure. and my brother and sister follow me too. at first when i quit seeing my dad they were upset and tried to convince me to go down there(didn't work) in the last couple of weeks , both my brother and sister have come to visit me and we have had a good time and no mention of dad. i think they are watching me to see how this works.the more i think of the differnces me and my dad have the madder he makes me. like he asked me to go to a family dinner at a really nice restaraunt. when we got there, he had invited his neighbors, they were stinking drunk and telling xrated jokes in front of their 7year old daughter. my brother was so drunk his eyes were rolling around and my dad was buying free drinks around the table over and over. my husband looked at me and ordered tea. my kids sat there and looked disgusted. (my husband is an alcoholic and even he didn't want to cross me at that moment. he knew i was mad) somewhere along the line my dad inferred to me that i don't count, now i am trying to show myself that i do count. twelve of my neighbors got together and went to court to make another one get rid of 70 fighting chickens in their yard. my dad told his wife she couldn't go because there would probably be foul language there and he wanted to spare her and then turned right around a made sure i was gonna be there. some ways i think he is a dirt bag. everyday i go around saying to myself, i am a girl and i do count.....

November 16, 2005
10:32 pm
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mamabear
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Lost and found,
Good for you, you stick up for yourself!

You can be respectful toward him while not respecting his decisions or agreeing with him. That is how I try to by with my father. We don't mesh very well either, so I understand that. Just because he is your dad doesn't mean you have to spend a lot of time with him...I'm glad I'm two states away from my dad and only have to see him every once in a while 🙂

Mamabear

November 16, 2005
10:34 pm
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our responses crossed, my response was from your next to last post, not the last one I just read.

November 16, 2005
10:39 pm
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mamabear
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Yes, you do count, and you keep on telling yourself that. You are a lovely person, you have morals, and you do count, no matter how your dad made you feel growing up. You do not have to listen to anyone else tell you you are a prude, you need to loosen up,etc. Your opinion is the most important one. Chin up sweetie.
Mamabear

November 16, 2005
10:46 pm
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thank you so much mambear. i very babdly to hear that tonight. sometimes i forget why i don't go down there and i feel quilty about hurting him. BUT, enough is never enough for him. i can go visit one time and he starts planning all my time. i don't want to get drawn back in. doesn't the road run both ways. i haven't seen him make any effort to come visit me either. He is down there bawling and acting like a big victim , i'm sure.

November 16, 2005
10:49 pm
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I would think my dad is a "creep". And I would feel awful. Your morals obviously didn't come from daddy. Oh my God, your story blows me away. I think it blows me away because the men in my family were good and decent. My mother was the one who had secret affairs...and she never got busted. It makes me feel ill just thinking about it. Then she would be a bitch and fault find my dad. My dad never knew about her affairs. She, of course, found ways to cover her guilt. He never knew. They're divorced now. I wish I could tell my dad not to feel guilty, I wish I could tell him about the affairs. In fact, after hearing this, I think I will. Why does he have to suffer guilt? He was a pain ridden, guilt ridden person during those times. He was so sad. Now, he's remarried and happy. Maybe he did know.

As a daughter who knows about the other parent having affairs, I just don't have the answer. I do know that I hate my mother for being a "cheat" and then acting like, see your dad is a freak. Like there was to be no consequence for her actions. The minute he made a mistake, that was her cue. She was out of there.

Hey, I need some advice on this one too. I just don't know what to tell you. Other than it brought up some anger in me regarding my mother. I guess even our parents can do creepy things. I don't know what to tell you to do about it. I'm open to suggestions though.

November 16, 2005
10:52 pm
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mamabear
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Lol, does your dad do that too! Ha, to dads that treated us like crap and now want us to love them and be around all the time while they are still poisoning or trying to poison our self image.

You are right, the road runs both ways. If it is not in your best interest, then don't go down there whether he bawls or not! Let him cry for once, and take care of yourself how you need to be taken care of.

And you're welcome, anytime you need to hear that you are worthy, I'm sure there are plenty of people to tell you that on this site, if they can ever quit arguing long enough to support others that need it. I seem to miss all the arguments thank goodness.

Smiles,
Mamabear

November 16, 2005
10:56 pm
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mamabear
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Mimi,
Even though your dad is remarried and happy now, it would probably still hurt him to have you talk to him about the affairs whether or not he knows about them. It might make you feel temporarily better and revenge feels good at the time doesn't it? But later you might very well wish you hadn't brought it up.

Just my humble opinion that it is best to let sleeping dogs lie,
mamabear

November 16, 2005
10:57 pm
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i'm sorry i keep posting, i just need to get it out of my system. i got so tired of hearing him talk about how he couldn't sleep at night. about his well sending sand up in his water. he acted like his life was always in turmoil. basically it's called life. (i wanted to shout DEAL WITH IT!! U SMUCK) i would go vist every three days at least. he always spent the time complaining about my brother and sister not visiting as often. (got tired of that) he always had a glass of wine in his hand. (claimed it was for his cholesterol.) bullsh-t. i don't think the doc meant a gallon at a time. he acts like he enjoys my husband's company more than mine. husband is a alcoholic too. (this probably gets to me more than anything else he does) dad uses me for a mommy and then turns the charm on for my husband. this makes me resent them both somewhat. since i haven't been seeing my dad, the idiot husband of mine visits down there alot. i act like i don't care, but it bug the crap out of me. my husband says he feels sorry for my dad. what about me????!!!!!and then i think two drunks belong together and have at it.i have alot of mixed feelings but mainly i am hurt...

November 16, 2005
11:04 pm
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mimi-i know it had to be hard on you to watch your mother doing that. i used to go see my best friend and my dad would come walking out the bedroom with her mother. (when i was a kid). years later when my parents devorced i spilled my guts to my mom. she said she already suspected and was sorry i had to be in the middle.

mambear, be glad u missed the wars, it wasn't pretty. everybody was up in arms. made me want to drop my laptop and bust it a few times. i'm glad it has calmed down and everybody (almost ) has dealt with it.

November 16, 2005
11:04 pm
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Don't be sorry, you post away as much as you need to, this is your thread.

My doctor told me to drink red wine to bring my good cholesterol level up, a 4 to 6 oz glass per day is all that is required for the health benefits. That is all the alcohol that I drink, and some days I can't even bring myself to drink it even though I know I should.

Feel your feelings, they are yours to feel.

November 16, 2005
11:08 pm
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mama bear, even i drink a glass of wine once in a while. and i have been known to sling back shots of tequila. but it isn't the main goal of my life everyday. it doesn't control me. my dad is a fifty year drunk, trying to hide it nicely in a wine glass.

November 16, 2005
11:11 pm
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it's his attitude. about it always being about him, his lack of empathy for other people. lack of responsibility for the hurt he causes. he has never liked kids and he is rude to mine. that i will not tolerate. my kids say they are relieved to not be going down there anymore. they know how he is. they know they are welcome to though. i would not be mad at them. i know why he doesn't hav any use for the kids, cause they aren't drinking with him and it is always about him.

November 16, 2005
11:30 pm
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Mamabear,

I have let sleeping dogs lie. My dad is happy now. If he ever asked me---did your mother ever cheat on me, then I would tell him. He doesn't. I think he knows, I could see it in his desparate eyes back then. He never asked. He just moved on.

Its not about revenge. Its about this post. What to do when you know that a parent is "cheating" on another. I just remember my dad's eyes, and his bewilderment. I have since confronted my mother about this. She did admit it in a brief moment, only because she knew that I knew.

Cheating can just not be tolerated.

November 16, 2005
11:33 pm
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My dad is an alcoholic who quit drinking off and on, and then his doctor told him to drink red wine for health. I didn't even really believe him until my own doctor told me the same thing and I researched it.
My mom is an alcoholic, but she doesn't admit it. You can't make an alcoholic believe that they are one. And alcholism is a touchy disease. One that has a wide spectrum of "sickness."

You know if it is in the best interest of yourself and your kids to go or not to go. Don't keep worrying about your decision, it isn't set in stone. Someday you may want to change your mind if circumstances change, and if you don't want to change your mind down the road then you don't have to. You do what you have to in order to keep yourself and your kids happy and healthy.

You can only change yourself.

November 16, 2005
11:38 pm
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thanks, mama, that is what i am trying to do. have good boundries. it isn't all bad. i am wining over the loss of contact from him, but i am happy. i have put my xmas tree up and decorated the house. this weekend i am going to put up lights outside. i am having fun with my friends. i am going shopping all day with my favorite sister in law friday. since i have got boundries i noticed more good comes my way and less bad. because i won't tolerate it anymore. this just happens tobe the hardest boundry going up so far.

November 16, 2005
11:43 pm
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and i am over the moon with my contacts today. for twelve years now i have wore glasses because no contacts would work for me. today i put in a new pair that i just got and i could see so good yyyyeeeeaaaa. that is the best xmas gift i could ever get. i can't wait to put them back on tomorrow.

November 16, 2005
11:48 pm
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"I wish I could tell my dad not to feel guilty, I wish I could tell him about the affairs. In fact, after hearing this, I think I will. Why does he have to suffer guilt? He was a pain ridden, guilt ridden person during those times. He was so sad. Now, he's remarried and happy. Maybe he did know. ...
Hey, I need some advice on this one too. I just don't know what to tell you. Other than it brought up some anger in me regarding my mother. I guess even our parents can do creepy things. I don't know what to tell you to do about it. I'm open to suggestions though. "

Those are the words from your above post that I was responding to. Since you said that you had anger regarding your mother, I was just guessing that if you brought it up with your dad now, it would serve two purposes 1)a type of revenge on your mother and 2)an easing of guilt for your father, a way to let him know that the relationships failure was not his fault.

Since you have not told him and he is happy now, I was just simply offering my opinion that you should let sleeping dogs lie becuase you said you were open to suggestions, and I was just trying to avoid causing your dad any more pain. I was a person who was cheated on and did not know at the time, and then later a friend told me that he had been cheating on me anyhow. Even though I was married to someone else by then and happy, it still hurt me to find out about a past relationship, and the fact that I didn't even know that I was being cheated on. I was mad at my friend! She couldn't tell me at the time but later when I was happy she brought unhappiness to me. You said you thought you would tell him after reading this post, and I was simply giving you a suggestion since you were open to them. And you are right, cheating cannot be tolerated, I agree totally.

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